Can’t drink, can’t not drink?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Can’t drink, can’t not drink?
Day 54 here and I’m feeling great!! Actually, I’m just feeling good. Ok those are lies, I feel like crap. I find myself asking, is this all there is?
Drinking is is not an option for me. Only party because I’ve decided I never want to go back to that life. But primarily because my physical response to alcohol near the end was so adverse that nevermind the anxiety and deep dark depression, my physical body was shutting down. My heart, my nervous system my liver and kidneys. It was bad. I’m literally terrified to drink. Which is a blessing.
So now here I am. Stark raving sober. Bored. Disinterested. Discontent (and all of the other “dis” words). As a result of my DUIs I have no driver’s license. Yet still I have to make it to work, to alcohol ordered classes, to my AA meetings. I live 25 miles out of town so ridesharing is a non option. So everyday I live with the stress of if I get picked up I’ll get my probation violated and I’ll be sent to jail for at least 90 days. I mean, I don’t think drinking will help but what I wouldn’t give to be able to check out for about a year until this (hopefully) all blows over. I keep getting reminded of that Huey Lewis song I Want a New Drug. I want alcohol without all of the crap that comes with it. But really I don’t want that. I don’t want to live my life in a daze.
In only 54 days my children have come returned to me emotionally, I’m doing infinitely better at my job (that I hate), I’m much healthier, my finances are better...so I’m grateful. But it’s no surprise I drank so much. I appear to be ill prepared for life on life’s terms.
I’ll make it through today, and I am determined to stay sober because every problem I’m complaining about is only made worse by adding booze, but I hope there is more than this...
I know part of it is loneliness. I live in a new city with no local friends, I’ve been not dating because dating has torpedoed my sobriety before. And even when I think of some activity I’d like to do (I do have some hobbies), I don’t do them because driving there is a risk.
I prayed this morning, first giving thanks, but also begging for some direction, solace, purpose and happiness. I hope God shows up, at least with what I need even if not with what I asked for.
Drinking is is not an option for me. Only party because I’ve decided I never want to go back to that life. But primarily because my physical response to alcohol near the end was so adverse that nevermind the anxiety and deep dark depression, my physical body was shutting down. My heart, my nervous system my liver and kidneys. It was bad. I’m literally terrified to drink. Which is a blessing.
So now here I am. Stark raving sober. Bored. Disinterested. Discontent (and all of the other “dis” words). As a result of my DUIs I have no driver’s license. Yet still I have to make it to work, to alcohol ordered classes, to my AA meetings. I live 25 miles out of town so ridesharing is a non option. So everyday I live with the stress of if I get picked up I’ll get my probation violated and I’ll be sent to jail for at least 90 days. I mean, I don’t think drinking will help but what I wouldn’t give to be able to check out for about a year until this (hopefully) all blows over. I keep getting reminded of that Huey Lewis song I Want a New Drug. I want alcohol without all of the crap that comes with it. But really I don’t want that. I don’t want to live my life in a daze.
In only 54 days my children have come returned to me emotionally, I’m doing infinitely better at my job (that I hate), I’m much healthier, my finances are better...so I’m grateful. But it’s no surprise I drank so much. I appear to be ill prepared for life on life’s terms.
I’ll make it through today, and I am determined to stay sober because every problem I’m complaining about is only made worse by adding booze, but I hope there is more than this...
I know part of it is loneliness. I live in a new city with no local friends, I’ve been not dating because dating has torpedoed my sobriety before. And even when I think of some activity I’d like to do (I do have some hobbies), I don’t do them because driving there is a risk.
I prayed this morning, first giving thanks, but also begging for some direction, solace, purpose and happiness. I hope God shows up, at least with what I need even if not with what I asked for.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Congrats on 54 days. That said, 54 days is very early in recovery and I'm not surprised you are still having low points in your sobriety.
This is where the hard work of recovery comes in, dealing with life on life's terms--w/o alcohol.
You mentioned AA meetings. Where are you in the steps?
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan 
...it’s no surprise I drank so much. I appear to be ill prepared for life on life’s terms..
You mentioned AA meetings. Where are you in the steps?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,409
Stay sober keep doing the work and things will improve. If it was easy there’d be no recovery groups around. Ultimately drinking got you into the mess you’re in so it won’t get you out but just get you even deeper. If you dig in and stay sober this will all make a great share and inspiration for others who are early in in years to come. It takes years to fully heal mentally and emotionally in sobriety in my experience; that’s what the steps in AA are partly for.
Alcohol is but a symptom of a failure to cope with life on life’s terms for an alcoholic in my experience. That’s what the steps are for; to live life on life’s terms sober and to lose the fear and difficulty of this. It’s a beautiful thing but it takes time and it takes action 🙏
Alcohol is but a symptom of a failure to cope with life on life’s terms for an alcoholic in my experience. That’s what the steps are for; to live life on life’s terms sober and to lose the fear and difficulty of this. It’s a beautiful thing but it takes time and it takes action 🙏
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Congrats on 54 days. That said, 54 days is very early in recovery and I'm not surprised you are still having low points in your sobriety.
This is where the hard work of recovery comes in, dealing with life on life's terms--w/o alcohol.
You mentioned AA meetings. Where are you in the steps?
This is where the hard work of recovery comes in, dealing with life on life's terms--w/o alcohol.
You mentioned AA meetings. Where are you in the steps?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
...
In only 54 days my children have come returned to me emotionally, I’m doing infinitely better at my job (that I hate), I’m much healthier, my finances are better...
In only 54 days my children have come returned to me emotionally, I’m doing infinitely better at my job (that I hate), I’m much healthier, my finances are better...
It will take you a lot longer than 54 days to get accustomed to having a decent life.
Even when life does get better, and there's no guarantee of that, that's only half the story. Coping with life getting better can be difficult. In fact, believe it or not, I've known guys who couldn't handle a decent life and used that as an excuse to start drinking again.
It's okay. Keep going.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Hello friend congrats on sober time. Hey I know all to well the DUI thing I am a multiple time loser. Fact is I am banned for life from driving. All due to my lovely friend booze. That being said I could have had the mentality of hey at least I dont have to worry about getting another DUI since I dont drive. Why not booze? Listen its not the end of the world. I just come to terms that I cant booze anymore. So now what? That my friend is something I am figuring out one day at a time. And I'm on day 135. And guess what what I might never figure it out. But at least I will remember it when I do. ✌
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
...I’ve been not dating because dating has torpedoed my sobriety before. ....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 598
Yes well I so agree with you. I am six months sober and generally the whole thing is a massive effort. I also needed to quit for my health and also withdrawal was just too horrible to live with. That said life is not great and I often long for the escape a few whiskeys will provide. I will not drink again and if this is life well then I suppose it is.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
I am sorry you are struggling Beabetterman.
I may be saying something stupid, but I have read many relapses here and many times they are preceded by a post like yours. Let's call it the boycott attitude. You have a great insight about what the problems are, but apparently you cannot do anything practical to resolve it without resorting to drinking. At some point you may give up and drink because, apparently, nothing else is possible.
I would focus on the problem. The driving license is a constant issue in your posts. There must be a way to live somewhere where you can either use a bike, or public transport to reach to all these places. I can imagine you have some kind of rental agreement and this can be expensive and burdensome.
However, you must work on this. It will give you purpose and it will remove a massive obstacle that you keep referring to. It is so easy for these obstacles to become excuses. Perhaps not today, not tomorrow, but at some point.
And admittedly there is a massive risk that you get caught. A consequence of your drinking is that you cannot drive. Sorry if I am harsh here. I don't give a **** about the legal side of it. If you don't drink, I have no problem whatsoever. But you are still behaving like someone who does not face his responsibility unless forced to do it. I might be wrong. It might be totally impossible for you to do anything else, but I wanted to put it out there.
And yes, life at times sucks and many of us seem pretty bad at usual life business. Perhaps we should work at becoming better at it. You have not drunk for 54 days. You are good at your job. It seems you are good as a father too when you don't drink. You can do great things. Perhaps you can do something else here too.
I may be saying something stupid, but I have read many relapses here and many times they are preceded by a post like yours. Let's call it the boycott attitude. You have a great insight about what the problems are, but apparently you cannot do anything practical to resolve it without resorting to drinking. At some point you may give up and drink because, apparently, nothing else is possible.
I would focus on the problem. The driving license is a constant issue in your posts. There must be a way to live somewhere where you can either use a bike, or public transport to reach to all these places. I can imagine you have some kind of rental agreement and this can be expensive and burdensome.
However, you must work on this. It will give you purpose and it will remove a massive obstacle that you keep referring to. It is so easy for these obstacles to become excuses. Perhaps not today, not tomorrow, but at some point.
And admittedly there is a massive risk that you get caught. A consequence of your drinking is that you cannot drive. Sorry if I am harsh here. I don't give a **** about the legal side of it. If you don't drink, I have no problem whatsoever. But you are still behaving like someone who does not face his responsibility unless forced to do it. I might be wrong. It might be totally impossible for you to do anything else, but I wanted to put it out there.
And yes, life at times sucks and many of us seem pretty bad at usual life business. Perhaps we should work at becoming better at it. You have not drunk for 54 days. You are good at your job. It seems you are good as a father too when you don't drink. You can do great things. Perhaps you can do something else here too.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
So now here I am. Stark raving sober. Bored. Disinterested. Discontent (and all of the other “dis” words).
But at times with less than a moderate wind blowing, I would look out at the never ending sea and ask, "Is this all there is?" No matter how good it gets, we sometimes seem to need more. For reasons I don't understand, most of that restlessness is gone now. I don't know where it went, but I'm happy with little things. I wouldn't call it personal growth. I certainly didn't consciously try to fix anything about it. Maybe it's age or sobriety, or just retirement. I don't know. Maybe it's one of those things that gets better as sobriety continues, and that makes sense to me, because after I got sober, I made unexpected progress in things I wasn't really looking at, just like with this one area.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
is there anything preventing you from moving closer to said New City?
if i read between the lines you ARE driving on a suspended license? i guess the inherent RISK in that goes without saying....and apologies if i got that part wrong.
as others have said, getting sober doesn't come with a personal herd of unicorns and glittery rainbows overhead every day. drinking OR NOT, life happens. we can choose to classify the stuff that happens any way we want - good, bad, awesome, terrible, amazing, heartbreaking. or we can even just take it all as it comes, not try to LABEL it as any one thing, just another day in paradise...........
i have a suspicion at my job that my boss for reasons i simply cannot fathom (and that is after a LOT of soul searching and talking to others close enough to have an opinion) has it out for me. i've worked with this group 22 years, with the institution 28, and i'm one turn of the calendar page away from 60.
i COULD panic about this. get all job scared, bow down, cow tow, grovel, whatever. OR i could see this as a possible nudge from the Universe - that maybe it is time i take a good hard look at my life and my job AS IT IS and reassess. maybe it's time to do something else? had this recent kerfuffle not happened i might still be resting on my laurels, thinking i got it made in the shade and feeling all secure. now it's kind of intriguing to explore what else IS out there. i too work 25 miles from home and if there is one thing i am SICK TO FREAKING DEATH of it's the commute. i'm wasting valuable hours of my life!!!
my point is - it really is all in how we view things.
remember you are just barely sober. not even two full months in yet. give time time. don't drink no matter what.
if i read between the lines you ARE driving on a suspended license? i guess the inherent RISK in that goes without saying....and apologies if i got that part wrong.
as others have said, getting sober doesn't come with a personal herd of unicorns and glittery rainbows overhead every day. drinking OR NOT, life happens. we can choose to classify the stuff that happens any way we want - good, bad, awesome, terrible, amazing, heartbreaking. or we can even just take it all as it comes, not try to LABEL it as any one thing, just another day in paradise...........
i have a suspicion at my job that my boss for reasons i simply cannot fathom (and that is after a LOT of soul searching and talking to others close enough to have an opinion) has it out for me. i've worked with this group 22 years, with the institution 28, and i'm one turn of the calendar page away from 60.
i COULD panic about this. get all job scared, bow down, cow tow, grovel, whatever. OR i could see this as a possible nudge from the Universe - that maybe it is time i take a good hard look at my life and my job AS IT IS and reassess. maybe it's time to do something else? had this recent kerfuffle not happened i might still be resting on my laurels, thinking i got it made in the shade and feeling all secure. now it's kind of intriguing to explore what else IS out there. i too work 25 miles from home and if there is one thing i am SICK TO FREAKING DEATH of it's the commute. i'm wasting valuable hours of my life!!!
my point is - it really is all in how we view things.
remember you are just barely sober. not even two full months in yet. give time time. don't drink no matter what.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
To answer some questions. I just purchased a home in 11/2018, moving wouldn’t be the best financial decision I’ve ever made. My license is suspended for about 10 months more and I think driving that way is just a reality that I will have to live with.
BackandScared; you’re right about being cognizant of relapsing. I’ve seen posts like this just prior to relapses and I’ve made statements like this just prior to relapse. It is a real concern. I think that’s what I posted it though, to get some of the thoughts out and look at them with the help of the group.
The thing about me not living up to responsibilities unless forced to was off target though. I’ve always been very responsible. Even when drunk I’ve always been an excellent provider and a high achiever. I love going to meetings and spending time with my children. The fact that I risk my freedom to go to work, to go to meetings, to spend time with my kids to full fulfill the requirements of the court should be evidence enough that I face my responsibilities at basically any cost, willingly.
BackandScared; you’re right about being cognizant of relapsing. I’ve seen posts like this just prior to relapses and I’ve made statements like this just prior to relapse. It is a real concern. I think that’s what I posted it though, to get some of the thoughts out and look at them with the help of the group.
The thing about me not living up to responsibilities unless forced to was off target though. I’ve always been very responsible. Even when drunk I’ve always been an excellent provider and a high achiever. I love going to meetings and spending time with my children. The fact that I risk my freedom to go to work, to go to meetings, to spend time with my kids to full fulfill the requirements of the court should be evidence enough that I face my responsibilities at basically any cost, willingly.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
I hope I did not cause offense BeABetterMan. As I said, it is clear from your messages that you are great at many things. Also articulated and fantastic at communicating.
You can still be a big achiever and not particularly good with the consequences of our drinking as getting a DUI would suggest and driving despite a suspension would suggest too. Please don't take this the wrong way. I am a woman who has been alone in charge of two small kids she adores and has still decided to drink until passing out. I am not judging you. How could I judge anybody?
I see how owning the house makes this much more complicated unless you could rent it to someone else for a while. I want you to be a big achiever in the non-drinking project and your message concerned me, so I felt compelled to answer. It really reads like someone about to boycott sobriety: the problem is loneliness. If you seek company, i.e. dating, you will drink. If you stick to current status you will not find a solution to loneliness, you may get prison. Both scenarios are incredibly plausible. Therefore, you are rationalising plausible failure and reasons to drink.
After all, you actually want to drink without the consequences. You say it yourself. It may not take that long before you want to drink despite the consequences.
I am spending the day here today, because I am having a pretty bad day myself. Reading all the messages and replying to yours in particular, is probably a way of dissuading myself from drinking rather than you.
I wish you luck and better days ahead.
You can still be a big achiever and not particularly good with the consequences of our drinking as getting a DUI would suggest and driving despite a suspension would suggest too. Please don't take this the wrong way. I am a woman who has been alone in charge of two small kids she adores and has still decided to drink until passing out. I am not judging you. How could I judge anybody?
I see how owning the house makes this much more complicated unless you could rent it to someone else for a while. I want you to be a big achiever in the non-drinking project and your message concerned me, so I felt compelled to answer. It really reads like someone about to boycott sobriety: the problem is loneliness. If you seek company, i.e. dating, you will drink. If you stick to current status you will not find a solution to loneliness, you may get prison. Both scenarios are incredibly plausible. Therefore, you are rationalising plausible failure and reasons to drink.
After all, you actually want to drink without the consequences. You say it yourself. It may not take that long before you want to drink despite the consequences.
I am spending the day here today, because I am having a pretty bad day myself. Reading all the messages and replying to yours in particular, is probably a way of dissuading myself from drinking rather than you.
I wish you luck and better days ahead.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 45
Hey BABM,
I'm sorry you are going through this spell...especially with being stranded 25 miles outside of town. That cannot be fun.
My experience so far has been that I have all this free time now that I used to spend numbing out after work with a bottle of wine. Now I have to fill that time with other things. And holy crap, there is a lot of time to fill.
It might take you a little while to figure out what lights you on fire and makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. I don't have the answer, but I kind of get where you're coming from.
I'm sorry you are going through this spell...especially with being stranded 25 miles outside of town. That cannot be fun.
My experience so far has been that I have all this free time now that I used to spend numbing out after work with a bottle of wine. Now I have to fill that time with other things. And holy crap, there is a lot of time to fill.
It might take you a little while to figure out what lights you on fire and makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. I don't have the answer, but I kind of get where you're coming from.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
I’m on Step 3. I’m going at the pace that is dictated by my sponsor.
3rd step:
made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
and continue with the rest of the steps.
heres something from the BB:
Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning,which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.
3rd step in plain english:
do i want to live or do i want to die?
if i want to die stop here.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
I hope God shows up, at least with what I need even if not with what I asked for.
I always say that the number one person that needs to listen to what I share...is me. Are you listening to yourself? This...
But really I don’t want that. I don’t want to live my life in a daze.
Sometimes the present may not be wonderful, but I have to get through the now to make it to the next. In my experience, the next has been exceeding my expectations most of the time, but even when it doesn't, it still beats my alcoholic past hands down.
Keep moving forward. Even baby steps add up if you take enough of them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. Posting on SR boards is always a mixed bag and the tone of the responses definitely depend on where the responder is in their sobriety. Some folks are just supportive. Some are suggestive. Some are even cryptic, but they’re all appreciated.
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