New city, new job, new sobriety. I’ve chased off all of my friends and all of my women. It’s me and the dogs and a lot of loneliness. I’m sticking to faith that something will change if I stay sober but this is in no way easy and is not paying the dividends I’d hoped it would. It’s still early but I can still declare that this sucks. God please gift me some miracles.

Day 30 something.

Hey controls, where does it say I’m in AZ? Or are You a psychic? Lol and lately it’s been a wet heat here!

I volunteer about 10 hours per week and I really like it. I love interacting with people. I’m a people person.

And I am working on myself, but I was reading a book the other day and it mentioned that most humans would rather die than live a life of solitude. I know I’m not 100% isolated, but it feels damn near it. I’m coming out of a co-dependent relationship with an extremely toxic person which doesn’t help. So constant, full (albeit unhealthy) engagement and interaction to basically no interaction. It’s a stark contrast and it is taking some getting used to.

The other thing, since I’m complaining lol, is that my job is sooo boring lately. We’re low on work and the days drag on letting my mind wander into uncomfortable areas. I love the money the career provides but I haven’t been happy in this field for many years now. When my sobriety is solidified I might need to reconsider what I do for a living. I have 20 years left in the work force and I might decide to choose happiness over wealth....hmm

I’m actually in the Tucson area, which is part of the problem. I have a really good support system in Phoenix, which is where I’d like to end up. That’s also where my kids live who I LOVE spending time with. But it’s hard to walk away from a very handsome paycheck. I suspect I’d take a 30% pay cut if I left. So for now I’m stuck in Tucson.

I also don’t drive much because my license is suspended (DUIs). So I only go to work and treatment and meetings. Sometimes I sneak up to see my kids but other than that, I’m home-bound.

AA meetings are great to get you out and mixing. Can really help with isolation and everybody is likeminded in that they’re obviously all alkies.

I can’t even get a restricted license and I live almost 25 miles out of town. So all of the court ordered stuff is at my own risk, my work is at my risk, my meetings are at my risk. When I see my kids it’s at my own risk. It is so stressful.

I keep insurance, I have an ignition interlock, I have an SR22. I do everything I can to show good intent. I never drive to go on dates or go do hobbies, just the essentials. And if I get caught I will get a bunch more jail time for violating probation. What a pickle I’m in.

They joys of alcoholism. At least I’m sober today so that’s a good thing.

Thanks for listening ya’ll.