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I do not know where I fit in

Old 08-28-2019, 05:53 AM
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I do not know where I fit in

Im very confused after one week off klonopin and now just today alcohol free.

I know I should not drink, but I know if I had cash Id have that "just one"

It might just be the just one. Ir might not. I try to control.

I am just being honest.

I get paid in two days abd hopefully will not feel the need to purchase after court to "just relax"

I am not proud but I cannot argue with myself over and over.

My question is am I an alcoholic, an ACOA, a cidependendent...

Is it possible to be all three?

I know I have anxiety and panic and bad social phobias.

I belong to another forum where there are many others with my same condition or problems that know what its like at times and why we self medicate etc.

We do not want to be called stupid or lazy etc.

But as far as recovery groups go, I am confused because frankly I qualify for all thrče labels.
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Old 08-28-2019, 05:56 AM
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Lots of people qualify for all three.

Welcome to the world's largest club no one wants to join. You can recover.

SH, the only way to get better is sober. Truly and honestly, and a lot of us here have similar pasts and self medicated. It is only possible to sort it out sober.

There is plenty of help out there.
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:00 AM
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Thank you bimini.

I have tried to paste myself back together so many times.

Sometimes I succeed and think the nightmare is over.

I feel hopeless.

Ty
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:06 AM
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You're welcome, SH.

As far as the court date.

At some point I had to be D.O.N.E.

No matter what bad things happened, I didn't pick up a drink. No matter how happy and excited I was I didn't celebrate with a drink.

No matter what anyone said, no matter how they looked at me, no matter how frustrated or upset or bored or mad or excited or afraid or blahblahblah - drinking was off the table.

With some sober time I realized it had never been the solution, only The Problem.
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:11 AM
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I can over use anything

Vitamins, cbd oil, coffee....

I do not like this part of my personality, but its there.

I am still trying to grow into myself if you will.

All I know for sure is I have been dissociative since childhood

Thank you for letting me put this out there
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:15 AM
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I do believe if I had family and felt safe it would stop.

My other two sisters are normal

I guess I will stop trying to figure it out
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:15 AM
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Good morning I rest assure alot of your problems will fade away the more sober time you get. I mean yes things are going to come up. But your problem solving will be much better if you got a clear mind feel me. Be strong my friend you can do this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. ✌
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by ShiftHappens View Post
I do believe if I had family and felt safe it would stop.

My other two sisters are normal

I guess I will stop trying to figure it out

I don't think that would matter as long as you are drinking, SH.

I don't have any family and I got sober despite quite a few past diagnoses from psyche professionals. Honestly, I was born with the ability to heal myself, we all are. It can't be dependent on other people, they will always disappoint me in one way or another.

I am perfectly happy without a traditional family. They don't necessarily mean "happiness" - ya know? There's no way I could have created any kind of healthy family while I drank.

I have enough, I am enough.

There are plenty of places to meet people. What have you tried?
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:26 AM
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Right now I would like believe that the judge will reinstate my probabation.

if she arrests me I do not know what will happen to my dogs.

Will they let them die here? This is enough to make me want that "one"

I have to go.

I have called agencies and my local feed store hysterical sobbing.

No one has called back.

I remember mtysister saying no one was going to take me seriously if I kept panicing.

So I trried to drown it.
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:29 AM
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Many women drink to cope with the stress of having children. Others to cope with horrible jobs. Or serious illnesses. Or because alcohol is everywhere.

We all have many excuses to drink. I used it to sleep. I suffer from insomnia and anxiety. Always had and alcohol was very useful, of felt like it, for a long time.

Every single time you blame something you cannot control. You must decide whether you have control over your life or whether you are a lost case due to external circumstances. Then you can give up on yourself altogether (in which case, how does it matter what happens in Court or where you end up?) or do something beyond expecting some miracle to change the world out there.
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:30 AM
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I'm sorry SH, but I don't believe you.

There is help for you.

What did probation say?

Call the local animal shelter and Calmly ask questions. Call the Salvation Army.

You have to ask for help in a way that will get results. Crying hysterically is not the answer.
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:41 AM
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Probaton said to go to court and explain to the judge and hopfully she will reinstate me.

I know crying isnt the answer. Its embarassing.

I couldnt stop.

The animal control is not open for another three hours.

The salvation army flat out said they dont do that kind of thing and hung up.
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:48 AM
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You're not helpless. Ask a neighbor kid. Offer to pay him/her to watch the dogs. If you don't end up needing their help, pay them anyway...with the money you'll save by NOT drinking.
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:50 AM
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I qualify for AA, Al-anon, ACOA & OA. It is common to have many issues.
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:52 AM
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Thank you PW I did not know. Thats why I asked
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:56 AM
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Try to not focus on the labels, and just focus on staying sober and getting better.

I think you can keep calling, calmly and ask for help with your dogs. And, keep calling until you find somewhere that will help. Is there a dog rescue in your city? Google it, and if so, call them and ask about a foster home for a few days.

And, listen to your probation officer who is telling you what you need to do to take care of the legal problem. He knows what he is telling you.
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Old 08-28-2019, 07:39 AM
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I agree with Anna, labels aren’t really relevant. Am I an alcoholic, an alcohol abuser? Something else? The label doesn’t change my condition or what I need to do about it.

I too was panicking about my dog. Full work day followed by outpatient treatment meant Long days. I was going to painfully surrender my dog but instead reached out to neighbors and asked for help. I now have a team of 5 volunteers willing to come care for my dog while I’m gone. Incredible. Ask for help and you may be amazed at the kindness you find.

Have you tried meditation to quiet your mind? Lots of resources and apps for it. A 12 minute sitting in the morning sets my day off right. There are also anxiety meds that are effective if you can see a psychiatrist.

Above all, don’t drink. It never solved any problems or made any condition better. And it never Will.
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Old 08-28-2019, 07:41 AM
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In addition to animal control call your local SPCA and ask about fostering programs. You can also put an ad on craigslist or some other local forum asking for volunteers to keep your dogs should the need arise.

I strongly suggest getting on this today, like right now, instead of waiting until the last minute when it would be total chaos to find someone.

In order to "get on it" in a successful manner you need to stay sober.

You can do this. But you have to actually do it.
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Old 08-28-2019, 07:41 AM
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Thank you..
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Old 08-28-2019, 08:12 AM
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I have one more question and then Ill leave you guys alone

can you be addicted to people? Is that codependence?
As in my ex husband was my whole world. I felt safe, even though a part of me knew I was over dependent.

I never feel "whole" without a drink or another person now.
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