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Why can't I just follow the rules?

Old 08-27-2019, 09:45 PM
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Why can't I just follow the rules?

Other people do it. I get side tracked. Resentful. Hopeless. I just give up. I'll ask again, God, help me.
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Old 08-27-2019, 09:58 PM
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what rules do you mean Press?

D
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:19 AM
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I have observed over the years that addicts, including myself, do tend to rebel. I don't know why that is, its just one of the personality characteristics that addicts often share. And I've also observed that they also tend to judge others that do the same....kind weird. Pot meet kettle. So while they lie, manipulate, bend rules, go around rules....they are trying to make sure everyone is playing by those same rules. This is just something I've seen in rehab.

For me, I think its this 'I'm special and the rules don't apply to me' concept. That uniqueness. That 'no one understands me' thing. That I don't fit in thing. When in reality we are no different than most of the population...or at least they don't see it that way, we do.

And interestingly I've spent so much time trying to prove to someone, not sure who, that I'm somehow different (and therefore entitled to drink and feel sorry for myself) that I actually make my life so much harder for myself.

My ability to break rules and get away with it is actually part of a more effective side of my personality. The side that can finesse and make things happen. But if my motive is to isolate myself and prove how unique I am, how no one understands me, just so I can drink, well that would be bad. But if my motive is honest and I use my abilities to make stuff happen, to make change in my life, it is a super power.

Its all about honesty, motive and intent. And sometimes just following the darn rules is so so so much easier. But then I'd have nothing to drink over huh?
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt View Post
Other people do it. I get side tracked. Resentful. Hopeless. I just give up. I'll ask again, God, help me.
I think with me it was because I was so immature as well as having an entitled attitude. I expected everyone to be exactly as suited me whereas I was allowed to do what I wanted. Whilst thinking I was special and clever.
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:55 AM
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I do think it's something embedded with addiction. My husband jokingly refers to himself as "Slipping Jimmy", a reference to a TV show called "Better Call Saul". The main character, Jimmy, lives his entire life dancing in the grey area and bending/breaking rules. Similarly, my husband lives by a mantra of "it's not what you deserve, it's what you negotiate" and a "the rules don't apply to me" mentality. (Self admittedly - I'm not bashing him)
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt View Post
Other people do it. I get side tracked. Resentful. Hopeless. I just give up. I'll ask again, God, help me.
This is what I go through press. Over and over
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:57 AM
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What rules are you trying to follow Press?
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Old 08-28-2019, 07:10 AM
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If you’re an alcoholic that wants to quit the only rule is don’t drink. Simple but not always easy.
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Old 08-28-2019, 07:52 AM
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Terminal Uniqueness
When Feelings of Uniqueness are Dangerous

Each individual is unique in many ways but sometimes this feeling of specialness can get in the way. It can prevent people from seeing the reality of their situation and can be used as a form of denial. A good example of this is the cigarette smoker who is able to continue their habit even though they hear about so many people dying of lung cancer. They console themselves with the idea, it will never happen to me – I’m different. This is a dangerous way to think but unfortunately it is all too common. This type of mentality can be particularly strong for people involved in addictive behaviors. It not only keeps them trapped in the substance abuse, but it can also derail any attempt they make at recovery.

Terminal Uniqueness Defined

Terminal uniqueness is the belief that the situation the individual is facing is unlike anything faced by other people. It is called terminal uniqueness because thinking this way of thinking can get people killed. This can happen if ill people are unwilling to make the best use of the available treatments or cures because they are convinced that they are a special case. Suffering from terminal uniqueness puts the individual in conflict with other people a lot of the time.

Terminal uniqueness is sometimes referred to as personal exceptionalism. This is how the alcoholic is able to keep on their self-destructive path. They may have no problem accepting that excessive use of alcohol will destroy the lives of other people, yet they somehow feel exempt from this – they are the exception to the rule. They may die as a result of their addiction while still being under the spell of personal exceptionalism.

The Dangers of Terminal Uniqueness

This way of thinking can be dangerous in a number of ways including:

* It allows people to ignore the likely consequences of their actions
* It provides a false sense of security
* It divides the world into me and them
* It means that the individual will be unwilling to believe that treatments that help other people can help them
* It leads to the individual thinking that they are either worse than everyone else or that they are better than everyone else
* It prevents them from seeking help for their problems
* It can be a barrier to communication
* It leads to feelings of loneliness and desperation

Terminal Uniqueness and Denial

Terminal uniqueness is a form of denial. It allows the individual to hide from the consequences of their actions, and it prevents them from seeking help. So long as they view themselves as a special case they will not be able to see the truth of their predicament. This is how the substance abuser can continue using alcohol or drugs despite the evidence of where such a path always leads. Escaping addiction means getting beyond this type of ignorance.

Benefiting from Shared Similarities

While people are unique they also have a lot in common. Their similarities are what bring people together, and it also allows them to benefit from each other’s experience. It means that the individual does not need to find everything out for themselves. It also means that they do not have to make every mistake personally in order to learn from them. It allows the individual to see that if a path didn’t work for another person in a similar position then it probably will not work for them either. Accepting such similarities does not mean that people have to give up their sense of individuality. It just means accepting that humans are closely connected.

Terminal Uniqueness in Addiction Recovery

Terminal uniqueness is dangerous for people who are trying to escape an addiction. It can be used as an excuse to ignore good advice and may eventually lead to relapse. There are many potential pitfalls on the road to recovery, and it is vital that people learn from those who have taken this route before. It is only because people in recovery do share so many similarities that it has been possible to develop successful treatments and aftercare programs. In groups like AA they advise that people, listen to the similarities and not the differences – this can be a good antidote to terminal uniqueness.

from alcoholrehab.com
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Old 08-28-2019, 07:58 AM
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Yup. Unique. Special.
How did I get this way?

​​​​
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Old 08-28-2019, 08:06 AM
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Entropy very well said!
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Old 08-28-2019, 08:55 AM
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We used to call it the Unique Rabbit syndrome. Don't know if that's still around?

If you're saying what I think you're saying, I always noticed the people trying to quit drinking who didn't do what they were told (follow the rules) were actually still wanting to drink.

Think of it this way: "The rules work and these people know how to stay away from a drink. If I follow the rules and do what I'm told, I won't have to drink anymore. Uh, oh, I better not follow the rules, not just yet anyway."

I know a little about this. I wasted the first 35 years of my life being an oppositional defiant Unique Rabbit.
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Old 08-28-2019, 09:00 AM
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I think this describes it well:

"One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that at least in his own mind- happen to apply to his particular case.

The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:

Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;

My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;

Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases.

Armed with this powerful tool of personal exceptionalism that is a virtual "Open Sesame" for every difficult ethical conundrum he is apt to face, the addict is free to take whatever measures are required for the preservation and progress of his addiction, while simultaneously maintaining his allegiance to the principles that would certainly apply if only his case were not a special one".

Addiction, Lies and Relationships
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Old 08-28-2019, 09:55 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I think this describes it well:

...

The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:

Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;

My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;

Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases.

....

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Oh, yeah. Exactly. Thank you for that description.

And when you combine this with a life-and-death need to control (I've never met an alcoholic who isn't more or less openly or secretly a control freak, including me!) it all makes quitting drinking extremely difficult.

Unfortunately, rather than give up control, sometimes death is the only end to the drinking.
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Old 08-28-2019, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt View Post
Yup. Unique. Special.
How did I get this way?

​​​​
You got this way as your way of surviving early on; there's no shame in it; it was a good thing; you survived.

The problem is that now that survival skill could kill you. Literally.
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Old 08-28-2019, 11:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt View Post
Other people do it. I get side tracked. Resentful. Hopeless. I just give up. I'll ask again, God, help me.
press, if you want what them other people have, do what they did to get and stay sober.
why cant you follow the rules.....hmmmmm.... lack of humility maybe?
humility is teachability.\have you 100% surrendered-admitted alcohol has kiked yer ass?
have you asked His protection with complete abandon?
do you understand what complete abandon means?
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Old 08-28-2019, 02:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt View Post
Yup. Unique. Special.
How did I get this way?

​​​​
Because how else can one effectively rationalize, justify and deny behavior that is so destructive to self and to others....and do it over and over and over?

When I admit that I am no different than like 80% of humanity, that I am no more or less special, that my problems/sufferings are about the same as most of the population, I take away my rationale to keep engaging in the same chemically reinforced stupidity.

I drink because I'm an addict. I can't cope because I've never learned and practiced new ways of doing things.

There is NOTHING that has happened to me or that I have done or that someone else has done that gives me 'permission' to drink. Nothing. Face that, completely, and maybe change can begin.

And it begins with complete honesty, to self and to others. Complete.
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Old 08-28-2019, 03:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt View Post
Yup. Unique. Special.
How did I get this way?
​​​​
For me, I didn't want to quit drinking. I wanted to learn the secret to controlling it. I convinced myself I needed to drink to live my life.

I thought I was smart enough and resourceful enough and strong willed enough to find a way to drink as much as I liked and not suffer any negative consequences.

I was smart and resourceful and determined - but I using those powers against myself in a doomed attempt to keep alcohol in my life.

I wanted my fundamentally toxic relationship with alcohol to somehow become non toxic.

It took me 20 years to realise/accept that was never going to happen.

I'd never controlled my drinking....and my only viable choice of action was to stop drinking and stay stopped.

Be smarter than me.
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