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Sick and Suffering

Old 08-27-2019, 06:48 PM
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Sick and Suffering

I was sick and suffered so long using alcohol....on and off....throughout my life...I had a long stretch of 8 years without it (from 41-49)...but all the rest of my adult life (I'm 55 now) I was drinking...and evertime I drank after the age of 40....I was "sick and suffering".

I could never stop...once I started...I could never stay stopped for very long if I did stop..I had to drink until I passed out...If I was still wide awake I would drive to the liquor store to get more because I wasn't ready to sleep yet.

I would go to the liquor store in all sorts of conditions...If I had a couple weeks off from drinking and decided to go to the stores....the first time back at the "stores"drinking I would be dressed to the nines, makeup, hair looking nice, decent clothes, real wallet...etc..after a week of drinking I didn't care...pajamas...no makeup..no shower...ALWAYS in the CYCLE of being SICK AND SUFFERING...

I realized today...I am sober....a little over 60 days...and I'm STILL SICK AND SUFFERING. Sometimes I think I suffer worse sober because I "feel" everything.....But I'm never "sick" suffering unless I have stressed myself out so much that I feel naseaous...but I have control now over when I get "stressed" better than I did when I was drinking.

However, there are many ways I suffer...my anxiety alone is enough....add my Fathers dementia and watching your Father die before your eyes...its almost been a year since my sister died 2 months before my sister died I was diagnosed with Frontal Temporal dementia.....its been 2.5 years since I ended a relationship...tons of losses....I am going to see a Grief Counselor next Friday....I don't know how to handle the losses....

So I just wanted to say..there is still suffering with sobriety...AA helps but there is not one thing out there that will fix all my suffering....I need a lot of help...and I know why I turned back to the alcohol so many times....because LIFE IS HARD.

But Life is Short for ME if I want to pick up another drink Ö.true story.
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Old 08-27-2019, 07:13 PM
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Missy, I really agree. I am just over a month sober and Iím still very depressed. I donít live as near to my kids as Iíd lie to, , I donít like my job, I am excruciatingly lonely all the time and I miss my ex so bad (even though I know she wasnít good for me). Not to mention I still have all kinds of trouble with the law. Yes Iím sober, and Iím grateful for that but my life is still a mess. I donít have a drivers license so so I stay isolated except when I drive to work and meeting
s and other essentials, but even then Iím breaking the law.

But we both know that adding alcohol to the mix will only make things worse. I know that all of my complaints can be healed with enough sobriety time. I always try to remember to look at the long picture. The number I keep using in my head is 3 months. I want to see some substantial improvements in 3 months.
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Old 08-27-2019, 07:23 PM
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Missy, you have been through so much! Sending you big hugs, prayers and support. I am glad you are seeing a grief counselor. Therapy was one of the things I did differently after my last relapse 2-1/2 years ago, and along with staying connected to SR, itís one of the things that has helped me stay sober. Yes, life is so hard whether drinking or not. Drinking makes any problem worse though. Being sober, we are more equipped to handle lifeís ups and downs no matter how difficult. Drinking just became a default way of coping, so new replacement coping skills need to be learned.

Stay strong. You can do this! We are here for you.
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Old 08-27-2019, 07:24 PM
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Originally Posted by BeABetterMan View Post
Missy, I really agree. I am just over a month sober and Iím still very depressed. I donít live as near to my kids as Iíd lie to, , I donít like my job, I am excruciatingly lonely all the time and I miss my ex so bad (even though I know she wasnít good for me). Not to mention I still have all kinds of trouble with the law. Yes Iím sober, and Iím grateful for that but my life is still a mess. I donít have a drivers license so so I stay isolated except when I drive to work and meeting
s and other essentials, but even then Iím breaking the law.

But we both know that adding alcohol to the mix will only make things worse. I know that all of my complaints can be healed with enough sobriety time. I always try to remember to look at the long picture. The number I keep using in my head is 3 months. I want to see some substantial improvements in 3 months.
Thanks for sharing this...and nope I don't think all our complaints can be fixed with just sobriety..some will never be fixed for me and I know the 8 years I had sober...the drama never ended...my son was dying from heroin...when I was sober...he went to jail...there were many car accidents and 2 serious ones from each of my boys.....it never stops..

But I will say I learned in that 8 years how to COPE better, how to remain calm when people needed me....I was proud of who I became I had integrity...so I keep holding out for those benefits...but not keeping my hopes up that life in general will be better...lol....I hope I am pleasantly surprised.
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Old 08-27-2019, 07:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Fearlessat50 View Post
Missy, you have been through so much! Sending you big hugs, prayers and support. I am glad you are seeing a grief counselor. Therapy was one of the things I did differently after my last relapse 2-1/2 years ago, and along with staying connected to SR, itís one of the things that has helped me stay sober. Yes, life is so hard whether drinking or not. Drinking makes any problem worse though. Being sober, we are more equipped to handle lifeís ups and downs no matter how difficult. Drinking just became a default way of coping, so new replacement coping skills need to be learned.

Stay strong. You can do this! We are here for you.

I agree that new coping skills DEFINETLY need to be learned...I have some...but eating is not a good one either....and I have adopted that ONE.

I don't thou (lol) agree fully in the statement "drinking makes everything worse"....

Drinking in the moment makes everything disappear..which it was such a good magic elixir for me.....

BUTI don't stop drinking when Im at the point where everything disappears I always continue.

"Continued drinking makes everything worse"....and since I am one of those that can't stop for DAYS once I start....than yes drinking will make it worse.
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Old 08-27-2019, 08:17 PM
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It sounds like a hard life Missy - but hard lives can be rewarding too. Hope you can work out some healthy positive ways to get a break or a bit of respite too, tho

D
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Old 08-27-2019, 08:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
It sounds like a hard life Missy - but hard lives can be rewarding too. Hope you can work out some healthy positive ways to get a break or a bit of respite too, tho

D
Its always been hard...drunk or sober Dee....I thought everyone had it hard like this...I was also in an abusive relationship for 22 years...raped 2x...one of my children is from one of those rapes...the son that had heroin problems...and who knows he could have got his addiction from me or whoever his father was.....But, everyone told me life would get easier if I stopped drinking.


The drama never EVER stopped because my youngest also had open heart surgery and so did my X husband..and my Grandmother at the same time....My Grandfather was beat up and died after being in a coma for 1 year....there are so many other difficult things...one after the other....not saying they are why I drank...I drank because I liked what alcohol did and because it is in my genes....


But drinking did erase many things for me for a very long time...so its life on lifes terms now...and I want others to know it is not always easy...but it is DOABLE.
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Old 08-27-2019, 08:29 PM
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I am so sorry you went through that with your son and the car accidents with both your boys. There is so much strength in you to get through all that sober.

And I agree about the drinking in the moment vs the continued drinking. Like you, I drank to deal with the pain and stress of the moment too - to escape from it all. It did help. Unfortunately, once the buzz wore off, it was back to reality, and that reality was a constant crazy hell for about 7 years dealing with special needs parenting. So every time the buzz wore off, Iíd drink again to get the buzz back, and eventually just drank myself into oblivion more and more. Thatís where the ďcontinued drinkingĒ started to make everything worse. Even if I could go back to just drinking in the moment and in moderation, I wouldnít want to. All that drink8ng deeply affected my spirituality and self esteem. I like myself and the way I handle problems much better now, even though sometimes I still donít have control over the problem. Thatís where the serenity prayer comes in for me.
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Old 08-27-2019, 08:33 PM
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But drinking did erase many things for me for a very long time...so its life on lifes terms now...and I want others to know it is not always easy...but it is DOABLE.

Exactly!
Also, itís not just doable. Itís a better way to live, even through lifeís struggles.
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Old 08-27-2019, 08:43 PM
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As the saying goes: "getting sober is the easy part, now comes life". I can resonate with that very well.

Thanks for sharing, Missy. Your strength is an inspiration.
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Old 08-27-2019, 08:52 PM
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I was/am the same way.

I totally resented having to "perfect" and unde4 sctutiny as a eoman, and one week in I stopped giving a sh*t what ANYONE thought, including my husband, who in my opinion got to be a drunken slob whenever he wanted while I was expected to be beautiful and perfect or feared being abandoned
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Old 08-28-2019, 01:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Fearlessat50 View Post

Also, it’s not just doable. It’s a better way to live, even through life’s struggles.
Exactly my point.
Thank you for articulating the final thought..the final thought is to NOT drink..no matter what.
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Old 08-28-2019, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Fearlessat50 View Post
I am so sorry you went through that with your son and the car accidents with both your boys. There is so much strength in you to get through all that sober.

And I agree about the drinking in the moment vs the continued drinking. Like you, I drank to deal with the pain and stress of the moment too - to escape from it all. It did help. Unfortunately, once the buzz wore off, it was back to reality, and that reality was a constant crazy hell for about 7 years dealing with special needs parenting. So every time the buzz wore off, Iíd drink again to get the buzz back, and eventually just drank myself into oblivion more and more. Thatís where the ďcontinued drinkingĒ started to make everything worse. Even if I could go back to just drinking in the moment and in moderation, I wouldnít want to. All that drink8ng deeply affected my spirituality and self esteem. I like myself and the way I handle problems much better now, even though sometimes I still donít have control over the problem. Thatís where the serenity prayer comes in for me.
thank you..and yes, once the buzz wears off it is back to reality but back to reality with the added drama of whatever I did or felt at the time I was drinking..back to the hangovers because I ALWAYS get a hangover...some people never do..but the hangovers are deterring me the most...


I'm also starting to LIKE myself...Problems I'm not handling well...I experience a lot of anger and rage...but I don't take it out on people (I try not to..I may be a little snappy)...but I know internalizing it is not helping.

I seek various forms of guidance from professionals...so I have an appt next Thursday....with a Grief Counselor (Work in Progress)..I should make that a t-shirt! hahaha
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Old 08-28-2019, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by ShiftHappens View Post
I was/am the same way.

I totally resented having to "perfect" and unde4 sctutiny as a eoman, and one week in I stopped giving a sh*t what ANYONE thought, including my husband, who in my opinion got to be a drunken slob whenever he wanted while I was expected to be beautiful and perfect or feared being abandoned
You can do it too "shift"...but it is not about strength...its actually about being broken and having no other way to go but UP.
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Old 08-28-2019, 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by WaterOx View Post
As the saying goes: "getting sober is the easy part, now comes life". I can resonate with that very well.

Thanks for sharing, Missy. Your strength is an inspiration.
Thanks Waterox...but as I just said to "Shift" it is not about being strong...it is about being so broken that you just want to get up...feel better...have a chance....

This time I want to know who "I am" without the booze...I don't know how I can present in any way to the world if I don't know who I am...still at 55....cause I'm not a "drunk" anymore.
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Old 08-28-2019, 01:46 PM
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I'm sorry you're having such a hard time! But you are an inspiration to me, staying sober through it all. Maybe my life won't get better, but I truly believe I will get better! Just like you are doing. Sending hugs to you!
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Old 08-28-2019, 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Sober369 View Post
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time! But you are an inspiration to me, staying sober through it all. Maybe my life won't get better, but I truly believe I will get better! Just like you are doing. Sending hugs to you!
I hope YOU and YOUR LIFE get better. I just remember hearing all the stories in AA of how everyones lifes got better...and most do.....mine just didn't seem too...but had I not stopped drinking....for 8 years...I truly believe I would not be alive today and just being alive is better than drinking my life away.
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