JScatt

Hey Shift, I don't think LS or anyone else was bullying . You've started lots of threads begging for help and tons and tons of excellent advice has been given. Have you acted on any of it? Besides giving advice there is not much more people on a internet forum can do for you, its not like we are down the street and can hop on over to your place to comfort you.
Sounds like you have some serious issues that need tending to by medical professionals and not strangers on the net. People on here went out of their way to provide you with resources in your area to help. Have you called any of them? Are YOU doing anything to help yourself?

ShiftHappens

In two days I have go before a judge who depending on her mood could arrest me on the spot and throw me in jail.

I am detoxing and trying to make that appointment.

if I go to jail I will lose my dogs, everything

I thought thats what these forums were for = talking things through etc. and perhaps gaining a new perspective.

I am not here to get a gold star from anyone or do your bidding.

Missy you are correct. This has spiraled on me since the arrest on May 5th.

Before that I had 9 months but only if I was on the Klonopin.

I still only went out to get groceries and kept to myself But Id walk past the beer and wine in the supermarket like I had never had a drink in my life.

I was actually quite disgusted when I saw people buying alcohol.

I will not be starting another thread

Dee74

Hi Shift

I know you're not a fan of the ignore function so I won't suggest that, but I hope this won't be your last thread.

I am sure that a lot of people here are hoping, with me, that you won't face jail time Shift.

I haven't been around much the past couple of days so I don't know how you've gone with ringing the probation office and things like that but I hope that Friday will go ok for you and you can start to put this part of your life behind you.

ShiftHappens

My only hope is that the judge is in a good mood and the system is too overloaded to deal with a petit theft and she gives me another chance at probation.

If she is going to arrest me and throw me in jail she may as well have me shot If i live through it I will have nothing to live for.

.Everything started going wrong when I felt better and tried to taper down the benzos and be free.

I couldnt stop the spiral. I was crying in parking lots IF I even left my own property.

I was getting confused and hence the Toilet paper thing

My friend who was nice enough to bail me out is now blocked on my phone.

He too yelled at me for "not taking suggestions", buying CBD oil I cannot afford and going out and getting a job.

The only suggestions I can take at the moment are the ones that I find manageable for me and I get from my doctor.

I do read a great deal, and appreciate different outlooks and suggestions, though in the end I must choose which I can manage personally.

Thank you D

I wish I was more level like you

Tolkny

Gosh - I am not sure I have a sense of the whole thread - but I know - I need to tell my story and not have other folk who do not know me tell me I am doing it wrong.

Yesterday - I am in a different time zone to some of you (British Summer Time - which is an hour ahead of GMT - Greenwich Mean Time) now 06.19am Wednesday 28th August 2019. - (I am a slow typist)

To begin again...

Yesterday... I knew I have to start behaving differently - if I am not to end up with earlier death and a horrible muddle for my family to sort out - than I would choose.

I looked at what was in my In Box and saw an email from Sober Recovery - found these forums again - posted a couple of times in an old thread I started years ago and then in a new thread - I was daft enough to call "Test Post"

I had some responses & began to feel a bit connected with others who experience addiction and know something about recovery - presumably the Twelve Step Way - that is by experience - beginning with the experience of the recoveries of others and matching my experience of living against theirs -

There will be similarities and differences - but that is what happened back in 1930.... whatever it was when Bill W pitched up at Dr Bob's door - they shared with each other and then realised they had to share with yet more people - when there were quite a number of them and they were no longer killing themselves daily with alcohol they realised they were on to something and so the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous was written - after a lot of struggles and yet more folk received a message of hope that can turn to recovery.

Back to my yesterday - I realised I had to do more than just write "Test Posts" and - found my way at this thread as I began --- (I cannot scroll back and find it now) something like - I am just going to pitch in .. and I had a little exchange with "ShiftHappens" and eventually went to bed.

On waking I felt a bit more positive than yesterday - and did some stuff before looking at my emails - one of which was a link back here.

One of those things I did was to send an SMS - to someone I supported when he started a new Overeaters Anonymous Meeting - I think in 2016 - but we drifted apart & both stopped going to that Meeting for our different reasons.

So - my point is by sharing here - I am beginning to move on a little - I hope you can too - I realise I need a daily Routine again - that begins with the discoveries of those folk back in the late 1930s in New York and Akron and then worldwide - I thank them and you for reading this.

Andrew from Essex England - with especial thanks to "Shift Happens" for starting this thread.

Tolkny

Thanks for sharing "Fresh Start" - I hope things are progressing well for you.

ShiftHappens

Andrew, thank you

Melissa from Florida, USA
(Come on vacation, leave on probation)

Tolkny

Gosh - I cannot figure that out - "come on vacation" - from where?

"leave on probation" - back in England (where I was a probation officer from 1975 to 2003 - when I retired early [another story]) probation orders tied supervisees to a home address unless they got permission from the probation officer - on behalf of the court - to move elsewhere - so I am wondering how that worked out - it is none of my business - do not feel I need an explanation - but am just posting with what came to mind - edited a bit!

Best wishes Melissa - I hope you have got a secure place to stay now.

Andrew from Essex, England, UK 07.03am Wednesday 28th August 2019 (I need to stop replying now and get away from my computer - or I will very soon)

ShiftHappens

Its a joke here in the US because Florida is a big vacation spot here. I believe alot of people from England as well.

Many retired folks, vacationing kids and partiers.

They arrest abyone for anything if the state is low on funds.

Have a great day Andrew

ShiftHappens

It depends on the offense here I believe or what state you're in.

I did not have a drug related offense so no drug testing, nor was it a violent crime. I was not ordered not to leave the state, but must show up at probstion office once a month for 12 months and pay fees.

Tolkny

So, then it is about keeping track of you rather than helping you to make the best of things -


I am afraid that in England

(We have different jurisdictions in Scotland, Northern Ireland - to that in England & Wales[and folk often just say England - when actually they are referring to how the criminal law it is in England AND Wales)


Now things have changed a lot for Probation since when I started training as a social worker in 1973 (probation actually started out in Boston Massachusets with a cobbler)

In England we are (sadly) moving towards the system in some staes in the USA (some old folk are resisting)

I guess it at least gives routine - it is grim if it takes a lot of your income - but in my experience we can only buck the law by using the law - (getting a court to change things) or things get worse - so I hope you manage in some legal way and keep your liberty -

Your contributions here Melissa (have I got that right - why "Shift Happens"? - so does good stuff - like my grandson) have gotten me to begin to rewrite a Daily Routine - which I have just began doing - but need to leave now - really to get on with practical stuff - I really mean to have a shave - it will be the first time in weeks - but that is how low I got - where personal care almost stopped.

Yes I know about folk holidaying in Florida - I have been overseas a few times - but only as far as France and once to Ireland - I am now of the belief that for my grandchild's sake - I need to travel as little as possible and do not think I would fly again unless there was no other way of doing something very important - but that is just me.

Now this really is the last for a few hours at least.

Andrew from Essex, UK, 07.46am Wednesday 28th August 2019

entropy1964

I hope things go well for you on Friday with your parole officer.

I believe you said you won't do AA. And I respect that, if that is your choice. But I'm pretty sure the legal system looks highly on people trying to help themselves so if you think that making some meetings, bringing a homemade sign in sheet that demonstrates you are trying to change, might help you maybe consider it? I mean, worst case, it gets you out, you can listen to others that have suffered just like you, and you won't be alone. I don't work the program, but I find the support and the message of those in AA very encouraging.

When you are able have you considered some volunteer work? Just something to get you out of your head a bit. Sitting alone, anxious and stressing about things that are long in the past, or things that you can't control, will make anyone crazy.

I know I can't think my way into right action. I have to act my way into right thinking. Stewing never got me anywhere but drunk. I know you were traumatized and it might surprise you to find out that many, many addicts are also trauma victims. And as much as it sucks, we must find ways of coping. I also know many trauma victims that aren't addicts...so clearly there is a way to cope that doesn't involve booze. I know its hard, but emotional maturity is incredibly important if I'm going to survive. Learning to react appropriately to my feelings, as opposed to over reacting and drinking at or over things.

BeABetterMan

BeABetterMan

ShiftHappens

I wish you hadnt resurrectrd posts thst clearly upset me last night but i cant control that.

I dont know if what im experiencing is detox,withdrawal.or a hangover.

I am just trying to make it through Friday

My mom used to throw me out of the house whrn little. I dont understand things at times. I suspected autism.

I have worked and I keep going in circles. I finally went for meds to break the cycle.

I believe as Andrew said I was just trying to speak my truth, tell my story.

And be accepted for being honest at least.

I just panic when I feel ganged up on.

2muchpain

I think playing the victim eventually becomes a lifestyle. It becomes a mindset. I think you really believe stuff happens to you through no fault of your own, whether its health problems, emotional problems or legal problems. I can see that, after a while, it just becomes easy to believe that life just isn't fair, and there's nothing you can do about it. I've been there, so I know what I'm talking
about. It takes time and a lot of hard work to get out of this cycle, but trust me it's worth it. Life will always throw stuff at you. It's what you do with it that makes the difference. If your ok with letting life control you, that's your decision. Your problems have nothing to do with the problems you are dealing with. There are always excuses to stay stuck. I hope some day you will see that you are making your life miserable with this kind of thinking. You can change it anytime you want. John

Tolkny

Oh dear - I used to be paid to work with people who were in trouble with the law.

If ever I felt something I was saying might sound like advice - I had somehow programmed myself (I did the job for 30 years) to hear a warning - where I would interupt what I had been saying and say something like of course - I am not YOU so I cannot know what is best for you -

I saw my function as to help a client explore possibilities and then to be an encourager and maybe an enabler for helping them follow through what seemed like positive options - but (obviously) I made mistakes.

My job also involved being answerable to the courts whether clients had kept to court orders - very often with things they had agreed to do in court - I needed to be straightforward abour that - saying if clients thought I was unreasonable - they could speak to a boss probation officer or explain their situation to the court, with a lawyer if they were able to get a lawyer.

Lastly I had a definite public protection role - some of my clients had done very harmful things to others and if I thought they were vulnerable to hurting other people again - part of my job was to report that to those who would make a decison that the client be arrested - I would not announce that in advance - but would follow up with them afterwards if they would see me - though in all honesty with the way probation was organised in England from the 1970s (it is different now) there were very few times I actually needed to report people.

I am not sure any of this is relevant.

I read in my "Overeaters Anonymous" - "For Today" book 29th August, earlier (also online) something about how telling our stories and hearing those of others is vital to our recoveries - so I shall use that as my justification if this (as I am sure it does) "sounds" preachy - especially in view of what I wrote about advice giving earlier.

I made it 24 hours - second day - three meals - nothing in between.

I think posting here has helped me. Best wishes to all readers especially ShiftHappens

Andrew from Essex, England, UK, 10.23am 29th August 2019

Dee74

I hope things are even just a little better for you today Shift.

D

ColoradoRocky

Not that anyone does or should care about what I think, but this is exactly my bottom line impression of all this. (That, and there seem to be some critical mental health issues going on.)

Advising help doesn't mean help can be forced on anyone.

ShiftHappens

Yes I am not well.

I MUST be in court tomorrow or I would be in the er right now. If Im still feeling like following court Ill go the er.

I cant even think about jail.

Im just going to go assuming the judge will not be too hard on me considering the "offense"

I am really not feeling ok. Too much stress and craziness.

Thank you