I didn't get the job
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
I didn't get the job
Currently I'm working with my wife operating a wine bar. It's been quite a struggle for me. We own the business with other family members.
It's been decided I can start looking for a job! Last time I interviewed was in 2007. Last week I made it in for a second interview that ended very positive. It really felt like they were giving me the job when I left and it was a super high note. I've been dreaming of getting out of the bar for the entity of the 2.5 years sober time that I have. It's just too much for me, it's like a cruel joke. The rejection letter ended up in my junk mail and I didn't get it until yesterday (just a day late) but I was crushed. I really felt like I could finally see my way out of the awful situation of going to a bar every day often being stuck there long after my work is done. My wife knows I'm upset and has given me more of a tough love approach like she always does instead of the tender hand I need.
Having to go to the bar, occasionally getting IPA showers, making martinis and otherwise dealing with guests is just too much for me. I try to keep my head down but it's tiring.
The fact I almost got a job is a positive but it's so hard for me to even look for one because I get tied up in work every day. I'm not allowed to leave the bar until I have employment and it's making it frustratingly hard to try. I'm devastated and the cold shoulder at home isn't helping. There's a weekend getaway to a family cabin this coming weekend and there's a couple more people there then I was originally made aware of and now I'm dreading that as well. I hate these things where there is a lot of alcohol being consumed and me forcing myself to escape just feels like rubbing my nose in the problem.
I hope I can find a job soon, job hunting in this day is so different.
It's been decided I can start looking for a job! Last time I interviewed was in 2007. Last week I made it in for a second interview that ended very positive. It really felt like they were giving me the job when I left and it was a super high note. I've been dreaming of getting out of the bar for the entity of the 2.5 years sober time that I have. It's just too much for me, it's like a cruel joke. The rejection letter ended up in my junk mail and I didn't get it until yesterday (just a day late) but I was crushed. I really felt like I could finally see my way out of the awful situation of going to a bar every day often being stuck there long after my work is done. My wife knows I'm upset and has given me more of a tough love approach like she always does instead of the tender hand I need.
Having to go to the bar, occasionally getting IPA showers, making martinis and otherwise dealing with guests is just too much for me. I try to keep my head down but it's tiring.
The fact I almost got a job is a positive but it's so hard for me to even look for one because I get tied up in work every day. I'm not allowed to leave the bar until I have employment and it's making it frustratingly hard to try. I'm devastated and the cold shoulder at home isn't helping. There's a weekend getaway to a family cabin this coming weekend and there's a couple more people there then I was originally made aware of and now I'm dreading that as well. I hate these things where there is a lot of alcohol being consumed and me forcing myself to escape just feels like rubbing my nose in the problem.
I hope I can find a job soon, job hunting in this day is so different.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
You didn't Cause this. You can't Cure this. You can't Control this. Three C's from Al-Anon.
The wine bar, controlling attitudes and drinking friends and family are things you can't control.
Taking good care of you, your recovery and going to Al-Anon meetings are within your control. Al-Anon can be very helpful if your life has been affected by someone else's drinking.
One day at a time. Life does get better as our recovery strengthens. I'm not alcoholic. I am in recovery in Al-Anon and other 12 step groups.
Since you are still open to some other job, trust much better things are ahead!!
The wine bar, controlling attitudes and drinking friends and family are things you can't control.
Taking good care of you, your recovery and going to Al-Anon meetings are within your control. Al-Anon can be very helpful if your life has been affected by someone else's drinking.
One day at a time. Life does get better as our recovery strengthens. I'm not alcoholic. I am in recovery in Al-Anon and other 12 step groups.
Since you are still open to some other job, trust much better things are ahead!!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
"My wife always makes me go to the family drinking things. I have no idea what to do to get out of these things. I can’t do it. I’m hiding in the corner feeling sorry for myself. She’ll hardly pay attention to me because it bugs her when I act miserable. It’s her sisters 50th there is booze everywhere."
From a previous thread.
This theme of your wife controlling where you work and where you go is not okay or healthy.
From a previous thread.
This theme of your wife controlling where you work and where you go is not okay or healthy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
It's not healthy and her making me feel bad because I became upset seems pretty telling also. I'm getting the silent treatment today. It's the first time I've faced some kind of rejection as a sober person and I needed some support yesterday more than anything. Instead I caused some kind of turmoil.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
First of all, congrats on two and a half years sober. That's an amazing accomplishment, especially for someone working in a bar.
Also, congrats on making the second round of interviews and for almost getting the job! I read that as you being an attractive candidate to employers, who is making a good impression. Keep applying elsewhere and I'm sure you'll get something soon.
If working at the bar is slowing your job search, maybe you should consider quitting and trust that by doing so you'll land something else more quickly? Isn't this possible? You say "you're not allowed to" but that is different than saying "I can't afford to." If Phoenix is like almost anywhere else in the U.S. right now, employers are begging for help. Maybe taking the leap of faith is a course worth considering?
Your wife making you feel bad is more than "pretty telling," to be honest. It seems that's just what she does? When you say "it has been decided" don't you mean your wife has decided?
Others don't have the power to tell you what you can and cannot do, unless you let them. You've already shown through your sobriety that you have the inner strength to do what is best for you, regardless of what others may think or say. Maybe apply that same inner strength to your employment situation? Your wife can be as unhappy as she wants to be, but she doesn't have the right to make you stay in an unhappy situation just to please her.
Also, congrats on making the second round of interviews and for almost getting the job! I read that as you being an attractive candidate to employers, who is making a good impression. Keep applying elsewhere and I'm sure you'll get something soon.
If working at the bar is slowing your job search, maybe you should consider quitting and trust that by doing so you'll land something else more quickly? Isn't this possible? You say "you're not allowed to" but that is different than saying "I can't afford to." If Phoenix is like almost anywhere else in the U.S. right now, employers are begging for help. Maybe taking the leap of faith is a course worth considering?
Your wife making you feel bad is more than "pretty telling," to be honest. It seems that's just what she does? When you say "it has been decided" don't you mean your wife has decided?
Others don't have the power to tell you what you can and cannot do, unless you let them. You've already shown through your sobriety that you have the inner strength to do what is best for you, regardless of what others may think or say. Maybe apply that same inner strength to your employment situation? Your wife can be as unhappy as she wants to be, but she doesn't have the right to make you stay in an unhappy situation just to please her.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Congratulations on your recovery! You're doing great.
For me, the cabin weekend would be something that I would say 'No, thanks' to. You could use it as an opportunity to work on your resume or do some more online job searching.
Learning to say 'No' was the single most important thing I learned in early recovery.
For me, the cabin weekend would be something that I would say 'No, thanks' to. You could use it as an opportunity to work on your resume or do some more online job searching.
Learning to say 'No' was the single most important thing I learned in early recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
Originally Posted by Deserto 
If working at the bar is slowing your job search, maybe you should consider quitting and trust that by doing so you'll land something else more quickly? Isn't this possible?
It's a good idea to use the job search to get out of the weekend. I was already using the potential job as a possible out. When the weekend was brought up it was just our goddaughter and her mom, but now another couple is coming along and it's turned more into a party.
Last november around thanksgiving we went out of state with a large group of family and my brother in law fell off the wagon after five years or so. He already has cirrhosis so this could turn fatal for him before too long. He's not looking good these days we can see his moderation isn't working out so well. It's a reminder to me that I don't need to be putting myself into places where I feel so weak.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
I've been asking to please be able to leave while I job hunt but I'm being told no.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
Well she's now saying she's canciling the weekend trip, not sure if this is some kind of threat to punish me or what. I don't understand how me needing a little sympathy for not getting a job has turned into a conflict. I do live in a world where I am afraid to rock the boat.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I'm sorry for your domestic situation Tekink but I hope things might improve when you get that job you're looking for - I agree that getting to second interview is a good sign.
Kudos on remaining sober through all of this
D
Kudos on remaining sober through all of this
D
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,199
tekink, let me start by offering my sincere congratulations on your 2 and a half years of sobriety while OPERATING A WINE BAR. That is an extraordinary achievement, one that I am sure would be beyond me.
It is impossible to give any detailed advice or opinions without knowing all the facts but on the face of it your domestic situation sounds very unpleasant and unconducive to recovery. Drinking around your brother-in-law when he aready has cirrhosis of the liver is heartless to say the least and inviting you to boozy events when you are on the wagon sounds quite hostile to me. It may be that you will need to assert yourself for everyone's sake not just your own. Of course that is much easier for me to say than it is to do.
I think you can take heart from your getting a second interview, I get the impression that all companies seem to think it is necessary to interview at least a dozen applicants for any vacancy. It's just the same here in London. Keep looking and applying even if you don't feel like it, it will be worth it in the long run.
Good luck tekink.
It is impossible to give any detailed advice or opinions without knowing all the facts but on the face of it your domestic situation sounds very unpleasant and unconducive to recovery. Drinking around your brother-in-law when he aready has cirrhosis of the liver is heartless to say the least and inviting you to boozy events when you are on the wagon sounds quite hostile to me. It may be that you will need to assert yourself for everyone's sake not just your own. Of course that is much easier for me to say than it is to do.
I think you can take heart from your getting a second interview, I get the impression that all companies seem to think it is necessary to interview at least a dozen applicants for any vacancy. It's just the same here in London. Keep looking and applying even if you don't feel like it, it will be worth it in the long run.
Good luck tekink.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
Originally Posted by saoutchik
Drinking around your brother-in-law when he aready has cirrhosis of the liver is heartless to say the least
My brother in law wants to be in those situations, no one ever forced him there. He very much always had FOMO but would act like it was no big deal not to drink. Eventually he caved.
Last edited by tekink; 08-25-2019 at 03:11 PM. Reason: bad quote
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
What is going to happen worst case if you stop working at the bar before you find another job? I would tell my "wife" too bad...my sobriety is at risk...and love and all I wouldn't risk that for anyone.....
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
The worst case would be extreme unpleasantness at home. She's already spent the entire day off in the bedroom drinking. I really needed some support yesterday and instead I feel like I've caused this and I don't know why. It starts leading to the feelings of really being tired of everyone around me drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi ,
First, congrats on 2.5 years sober, that’s fantastic. I’m sorry you didn’t get this position. Interviewing isn’t easy, especially if you haven’t done it for a while. Hey don’t you give the person who interviewed you s call, or send them an email asking for feedback. They may tell you something that would help you moving forward, or maybe you’ll find out there was another candidate who had more experience, but they would be interested in you for future positions.
I’m not sure what your financial situation is, but if you can afford not to work in the wine bar then you shouldn’t. Maybe you can take charge of the ordering or financials from home. You need to protect your sobriety, and your wife should respect your feelings. Al a non does sound like a good option.
Wishing you good luck with your job search.
First, congrats on 2.5 years sober, that’s fantastic. I’m sorry you didn’t get this position. Interviewing isn’t easy, especially if you haven’t done it for a while. Hey don’t you give the person who interviewed you s call, or send them an email asking for feedback. They may tell you something that would help you moving forward, or maybe you’ll find out there was another candidate who had more experience, but they would be interested in you for future positions.
I’m not sure what your financial situation is, but if you can afford not to work in the wine bar then you shouldn’t. Maybe you can take charge of the ordering or financials from home. You need to protect your sobriety, and your wife should respect your feelings. Al a non does sound like a good option.
Wishing you good luck with your job search.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
I go out all the time sometimes and I see some people drinking. Not everyone, not even most people.
Given the chance, I watch them and see them go from craving to drunk. If I watch closely I see them become possessed from the booze.
Nothing like domonic, just altered. I see a smile, but also a glazed, drugged look. I know at that point they should not be driving, should not be in charge of anything, will suffer from that drinking session very soon, and will crave more soon enough.
Basically, drinking is pretty gross when I think about it. It is an addiction.
If I needed a job, and working at a bar was my only hope, for now, to keep my addict wife happy, a bar it could be.
I let the actives drink their brains out. I hate the stuff and dont need booze to be happy any more.
When your wife wakes up from her drinking session she will be in a bad altered state. Sound like she is the boss and you get to deal with it if you want to stay with her.
I understand. Keep momma happy as long as she is not trying to pour booze down my throat, I understand love.
Studying drunks helps me stay clean. It is not a good look from any angle.
I work out a bit, it provides natural opiates that make me happy.
Do you have any fitness routines for building health and happiness?
Thanks.
Given the chance, I watch them and see them go from craving to drunk. If I watch closely I see them become possessed from the booze.
Nothing like domonic, just altered. I see a smile, but also a glazed, drugged look. I know at that point they should not be driving, should not be in charge of anything, will suffer from that drinking session very soon, and will crave more soon enough.
Basically, drinking is pretty gross when I think about it. It is an addiction.
If I needed a job, and working at a bar was my only hope, for now, to keep my addict wife happy, a bar it could be.
I let the actives drink their brains out. I hate the stuff and dont need booze to be happy any more.
When your wife wakes up from her drinking session she will be in a bad altered state. Sound like she is the boss and you get to deal with it if you want to stay with her.
I understand. Keep momma happy as long as she is not trying to pour booze down my throat, I understand love.
Studying drunks helps me stay clean. It is not a good look from any angle.
I work out a bit, it provides natural opiates that make me happy.
Do you have any fitness routines for building health and happiness?
Thanks.
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