Husband lying about suboxone use
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Husband lying about suboxone use
My husband has been an addict for years (he hates that word) He jumps from one thing to the next and never sees an issue with it. Last year he detoxed from suboxone at home. I know it was hard on him but boy was it rough for me to watch and hear. I found a suboxone strip in his wallet a few months ago and he swore it was just a one time thing and it would never happen again. (Heard that a million times) I guess I am what's considered an enabler because I feel like I'm living in a revolving door of lies. I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth ever and I haven't for awhile. I have been trying to just not say anything about what I have found this time but it's really hard. I just don't want to be blamed for his use and I don't want to fight in from of my son. My life is very lonely. I have no friends anymore and I don't go anywhere because I feel like I have to watch my husband so closely because I can't trust him. I just want him to admit it to me. Isn't that easier? Will that ever happen? I know I should probably leave him it's just so hard because I love him and I know the kind of man he can be. He just chooses not to be that person anymore I guess. I don't know if he ever will be that person again or if he even wants to. Am I holding on to someone who doesn't care because that's what it feels like?
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Originally Posted by Ralphs1wifey 
I just want him to admit it to me. Isn't that easier? Will that ever happen?
Your husband will have to make a decision to live a sober life, if that's what he wants. I hope that you take care of yourself and focus on you. You might check out AlAnon in your city, as a support for you.
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It probably wouldn't make a difference I guess. I'm just an honest person and I always expect the same in return. Except with him. Everything he's said to me in the last 5 years of our 11 year marriage has been a lie. He always says he loves me "no matter what" I say the same but tell him that when I say "no matter what" it does not give him the right to do whatever he wants to hurt me and I'll still be here. But even after saying that I still am. I feel stuck
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I don't think he's gone forever. If he chooses sobriety, he can come back. He will probably never be exactly the same, because sobriety tends to encourage personal growth.
But until he makes the decision to get and stay sober, you are not obligated to stand by him while he continues to hurt you. Take care of yourself and your kids, first and foremost. I second the suggestion to try Al Anon meetings.
But until he makes the decision to get and stay sober, you are not obligated to stand by him while he continues to hurt you. Take care of yourself and your kids, first and foremost. I second the suggestion to try Al Anon meetings.
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I cannot even suggest sobriety to him because he thinks I think he IS sober. I'm not an idiot but for some reason he thinks I haven't been down this road with him before. I see it. I feel it. How do i approach letting him know I know? Or do I not do that at all and just be miserable and deal with it or leave?
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Do you think it would make a difference if you told him you know? I suspect that he knows you know. Addicts do whatever is necessary to keep the drug/alcohol coming.
I think you have the power to make a choice about what you want to do. If he doesn't admit he's an addict and seek help for himself, there is very little you can do other than take care of yourself. It's a difficult situation for you.
I think you have the power to make a choice about what you want to do. If he doesn't admit he's an addict and seek help for himself, there is very little you can do other than take care of yourself. It's a difficult situation for you.
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Coming from a former dunk husband that lost a family over the drinking.
Let him know in a non-confrontational way. He won't stop until he is ready if he is like me.
In my case, I was told many times about my drinking and offered soo much help if I wanted it but I didn't stop and lost the family. I put my wife at the time through hell for about 25 years.
Just a bit of my story and not encouraging you one or the other.
Good luck.
Let him know in a non-confrontational way. He won't stop until he is ready if he is like me.
In my case, I was told many times about my drinking and offered soo much help if I wanted it but I didn't stop and lost the family. I put my wife at the time through hell for about 25 years.
Just a bit of my story and not encouraging you one or the other.
Good luck.
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Welcome, Ralphs1wifey. I'm so sorry for what you're going through - I hope talking it over here will relieve some of the anxiety.
I went through the same thing with my husband many years ago - but he was a drinker. Alcohol over the years turned him into a completely different person. I felt so cheated - he had been wonderful & I loved him dearly. All my lecturing, crying, pleading did nothing to make him take a hard look at himself & his behavior. I would love to tell you he saw the light - but we did not end up together. That doesn't mean you can't have a happy ending. As the others have said, he needs to acknowledge what it's doing to him - to his marriage & his life.
I went through the same thing with my husband many years ago - but he was a drinker. Alcohol over the years turned him into a completely different person. I felt so cheated - he had been wonderful & I loved him dearly. All my lecturing, crying, pleading did nothing to make him take a hard look at himself & his behavior. I would love to tell you he saw the light - but we did not end up together. That doesn't mean you can't have a happy ending. As the others have said, he needs to acknowledge what it's doing to him - to his marriage & his life.
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Originally Posted by Ralphs1wifey
Do I just give up on the man I know he truly Is? I know this drug use has masked that man. Or is he gone forever?
Drugs change people. You are living his addiction on one side and he is living it on the other side. He is not the person he used to be because drugs change people. That doesn't mean he can't be a fine upstanding citizen and Husband again, but it's an unknown.
Tell him you know or don't - that's up to you. Regardless it probably won't change anything. Him getting sober does not rely on it, true?
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
You said everything he has said to you in the last 5 years is a lie.
Perhaps you might want to focus back on yourself. What do you want? I mean aside from him getting sober and being "normal". That you have no control over. What do you want for yourself?
You have isolated yourself, you are unhappy. Unfortunately drugs affect the entire family, not just the user. Drugs are his keeper and his taskmaster and by extension it is now your taskmaster too.
The only way out of this, guaranteed, is for you to detach from it. If that means leaving, then perhaps that is something for you to consider.
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Addiction is lying.
I am always blunt, so apologies in advance, but you hit the nail on the head. It appears you are in a badly codependent relationship. You’re obsessed with his behavior and it is having profound effects on you. Even your user name is Ralph’swifey. You are losing your own identity into this man’s addiction. I tell my story often, but here’s a short version.
A few great women have walked out of my door never to return because of my addiction. And I will always say that they were absolutely right to do so. I put my drinking first and they were not going to change that and until I decided that sobriety is what I wanted more than anything else I was going to keep on using, and I did. Those women were spared a lot of heartache because they left. The ones that stayed suffered.
I’m not saying you should leave him, but if you stay, and continue to enable him and look the other way, etc., be prepared for many more years of suffering. In your heart, don’t you suspect this to be the truth?
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but these topics are deadly serious and I choose to speak what I believe to be the truth. Today I am alone with no woman in my life, which is exactly how it should be. Sick attracts sick, healthy attracts healthy. When I’m well enough, I will try to have a relationship again. But right now, in early sobriety, I am still ruled by alcohol. I could easily find a woman to pass the time with. But I don’t want to hurt people anymore. Every time I would meet a nice girl my own friends would say, “don’t destroy her”. Pretty sad huh? But that’s what addicts do. Not because we are bad people. I say it is because we are possessed. And in a lot of ways we are.
Very best wishes she’s no matter what you decide going forward.
I am always blunt, so apologies in advance, but you hit the nail on the head. It appears you are in a badly codependent relationship. You’re obsessed with his behavior and it is having profound effects on you. Even your user name is Ralph’swifey. You are losing your own identity into this man’s addiction. I tell my story often, but here’s a short version.
A few great women have walked out of my door never to return because of my addiction. And I will always say that they were absolutely right to do so. I put my drinking first and they were not going to change that and until I decided that sobriety is what I wanted more than anything else I was going to keep on using, and I did. Those women were spared a lot of heartache because they left. The ones that stayed suffered.
I’m not saying you should leave him, but if you stay, and continue to enable him and look the other way, etc., be prepared for many more years of suffering. In your heart, don’t you suspect this to be the truth?
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but these topics are deadly serious and I choose to speak what I believe to be the truth. Today I am alone with no woman in my life, which is exactly how it should be. Sick attracts sick, healthy attracts healthy. When I’m well enough, I will try to have a relationship again. But right now, in early sobriety, I am still ruled by alcohol. I could easily find a woman to pass the time with. But I don’t want to hurt people anymore. Every time I would meet a nice girl my own friends would say, “don’t destroy her”. Pretty sad huh? But that’s what addicts do. Not because we are bad people. I say it is because we are possessed. And in a lot of ways we are.
Very best wishes she’s no matter what you decide going forward.
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Originally Posted by C0ntr0ls
Coming from a former dunk husband that lost a family over the drinking.
Let him know in a non-confrontational way. He won't stop until he is ready if he is like me.
In my case, I was told many times about my drinking and offered soo much help if I wanted it but I didn't stop and lost the family. I put my wife at the time through hell for about 25 years.
Just a bit of my story and not encouraging you one or the other.
Good luck.
Let him know in a non-confrontational way. He won't stop until he is ready if he is like me.
In my case, I was told many times about my drinking and offered soo much help if I wanted it but I didn't stop and lost the family. I put my wife at the time through hell for about 25 years.
Just a bit of my story and not encouraging you one or the other.
Good luck.
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Originally Posted by Ralphs1wifey
I feel like every time I mention anything he makes it confrontational so I'm not sure how to approach it at all. But me just keeping to myself and really not speaking much at all is not working for me either. I don't know what to do.
For me, doesn't matter how much I love someone. If my emotional needs are not being met and I can't talk openly and honestly with my partner I would rather be alone. It's not a relatinship if it's so one sided. Someone once said to be it's more lonely to be in a bad relationship than t be alone and that is so true.
Just reading your post as we posted at the same time. Children learn from what they see every day. your son is growing up to learn to treat women the way your husband treats you. You say you want to make everyone happy. you husband doesn't sound happy, your son is probably scared and feels the resentment and anger in the household and you're certainly not happy. You are not responsible for his happiness. Only yours and your son's welfare of course.
I hope you put yours and your son's needs above those of your husband.
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I am having some complications from a surgery today so I called my Dr. He advised me to go straight to the emergency room. I was so sick this morning I could not take my son to school. I called my husband to let him know what my Dr said and all I got was blame for my illness affecting my son's education. No sympathy and didn't even ask if I was ok. Just said he had to work to make money. Now I feel empty inside like he doesn't even care and it hurts so bad that I don't even want to go to the emergency room now. My health has been deteriorating over the last several years. I am not blaming him but my anxiety has shot thru the roof and I have lost so much weight from stress that I look very ill. But my illness is causing problems not his addiction. What a way to treat someone u say u love. I just got degraded the whole phonecall and I only called to let him know I was in bad shape and I was made to feel like now I'm a bad mom. This really sucks knowing that I love him more than he will ever love me and that is a fact and I know it. He's not the man I married by a long shot I just have spent 11 years with him. We adopted a child and that child deserves better. I think that's why I stay is for my son. But I do love my husband. I feel stuck. I want to make everyone else happy but by doing so I am miserable most of the time unless I play house like nothing is wrong. Lord help me!
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Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
being in a marriage where you are scared to speak, scared to talk, discuss and talk about issues is no life. I think you do know what to do but are scared/nervous (understandably) to do it.
For me, doesn't matter how much I love someone. If my emotional needs are not being met and I can't talk openly and honestly with my partner I would rather be alone. It's not a relatinship if it's so one sided. Someone once said to be it's more lonely to be in a bad relationship than t be alone and that is so true.
For me, doesn't matter how much I love someone. If my emotional needs are not being met and I can't talk openly and honestly with my partner I would rather be alone. It's not a relatinship if it's so one sided. Someone once said to be it's more lonely to be in a bad relationship than t be alone and that is so true.
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Are there womens refuges in your country. They are a great source of support for women in your situation and can give great financial, emotional and practical support as well as a place to live.
You may not think of yourself as a victim of domestic abuse if he doesn't hit you but abuse takes many forms.
You may not think of yourself as a victim of domestic abuse if he doesn't hit you but abuse takes many forms.
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Hi Ralphswife - welcome.
Its very lonely to be the spouse or loved one of an addict. When I was in active addiction (alcohol) I was in a three way relationship with my partner and my addiction. I made my partner feel like the other woman too many times to count.
I'm sorry you're in that situation but there is support here, and also in our Family and Friends forums too
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family
I think it's important to keep in mind what trailmix said:
we're here to listen
D
Its very lonely to be the spouse or loved one of an addict. When I was in active addiction (alcohol) I was in a three way relationship with my partner and my addiction. I made my partner feel like the other woman too many times to count.
I'm sorry you're in that situation but there is support here, and also in our Family and Friends forums too
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family
I think it's important to keep in mind what trailmix said:
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
You said everything he has said to you in the last 5 years is a lie.
Perhaps you might want to focus back on yourself. What do you want? I mean aside from him getting sober and being "normal". That you have no control over. What do you want for yourself?
You said everything he has said to you in the last 5 years is a lie.
Perhaps you might want to focus back on yourself. What do you want? I mean aside from him getting sober and being "normal". That you have no control over. What do you want for yourself?
D
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That's a good question. I have no idea what I want or who I really am anymore. I have lost myself. I have no self esteem anymore and no drive to do anything. It's like living in a nightmare and I can't wake up.
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Originally Posted by Ralphs1wifey
That's a good question. I have no idea what I want or who I really am anymore. I have lost myself. I have no self esteem anymore and no drive to do anything. It's like living in a nightmare and I can't wake up.
Take a deep breath. You are going to be fine.
There are a few things you can try. First of all, as Dee mentioned, the Friends and Family Forums are full of helpful threads which you will relate to, I promise. In particular the F&F of Alcoholics forum is quite active (addiction is addiction) and you might find even more support over there:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Secondly, have you been to any Al-Anon meetings or checked to see if they are held in your area? Al-Anon is a great support for friends and family of addicts. Not a group to cure the addict, a group to support those who are affected by an addict.
Baby steps, this has been going on for a long time and has worn you down (as it does, inevitably) but you are still fighting back and you are going to be ok.
The house isn't actually on fire, so maybe breaking down your plan in to smaller pieces would be really helpful.
First and foremost, perhaps a visit to a lawyer is in order. This will help put your mind at ease. Many lawyers even offer a free first time consultation. Then you will know what your legal rights are if you decide to separate.
Second, start making a small plan. If you decide to leave, where can you go. Do you have the financial means to do so. If not is there a friend or family member you might move in with and share costs? I know you are now isolated (this is very common in households where addiction is present), but friends and family members may rally around once you contact them again.
Just a couple of things to get you started. This will empower you, knowledge is power wifey. The more you detach, the more information you gather for yourself, the more the fog will lift.
Time and distance away from this will give you clarity, it's very, very difficult to see this when you are living right in it.
I hope you stick with us and keep posting.
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