Regret & Remorse - Do they, will they ever go away? Weekenders 16 - 19 August 2019
Magsie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,644
Regret & Remorse - Do they, will they ever go away? Weekenders 16 - 19 August 2019
Welcome to the Weekenders
Regret & Remorse - Do they, will they ever go away?
I didn’t murder anyone or anything like that.
I didn’t do anything illegal, knowingly, though I’m ashamed to say I suspect I may have been over the limit some mornings, unbeknownst.
Will I ever stop feeling the guilt from when I drank?
Past memories pop up, out of the blue, and I’m saddened by how I behaved when drunk?
I can’t turn the clock back ever.
All I can do is endeavour to be sober and live a good life.
As I wandered around SR I came upon some precious words by weasel, an SR member. They are as follows:
"Forgive yourself."
If you allow yourself to feel guilty, you will reinforce the error rather than allow it to be undone. Move past it.
The people here have helped me realize that a softer touch is the best approach to moving past myself.
So how about our newest? or anyone really... Take this next 48 hours to do nothing but forgive yourself. If you are like me you will need to do it over and over and over as each new thought rears its ugly head.
Forgiving yourself takes practice. Real efforts. So focusing on that for a period can help train your sober mind!
I think we can be too hard on ourselves sometimes, I know I am and I’m going to practice to forgiving myself each day.
If this is your first weekend sober, or many, come join us for support and chat...as we know the weekends can be a struggle sometimes. (We’re here all week too!)
ours de petit cerveau
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,630
thanks Mags, I'm in.
could've/would've/should've - I've never had much luck changing the past. I can change the present & the future though.
Thursday already - I don't know where the week has gone.
could've/would've/should've - I've never had much luck changing the past. I can change the present & the future though.
Thursday already - I don't know where the week has gone.
Sick n tired
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
This is giving me huge turmoil at the moment. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for letting my loved ones down and causing damage. I find it difficult. Somethings cannot be unsaid or undone and I do need to feel that so that I never ever go bk. sorry to be nagative but really struggling with the above
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
I think I have forgiven myself for a lot of things but I do still hold onto a bit of shame. One thing that kept me drinking was because I couldn’t forgive myself and didn’t feel like I deserved forgiveness or happiness. I felt like I had to punish myself for everything I had done. Learning to let go of that, show myself kindness and compassion was very difficult but I have made great progress so far.
Like andy I accept that what is the most important moment in time, where I direct all of my energy into is the now, this very moment. No amount of thinking changes the past and too much thinking of the future robs me of the beauty of now.
I live by the mantra that today is the most important day of my life, each day I wake it is that day that I focus on. x
Like andy I accept that what is the most important moment in time, where I direct all of my energy into is the now, this very moment. No amount of thinking changes the past and too much thinking of the future robs me of the beauty of now.
I live by the mantra that today is the most important day of my life, each day I wake it is that day that I focus on. x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Thanks Mags
Hi Eve
I found it hard to forgive myself too - how could I do those things?
it was only later I realised that my self hatred and my lack of self worth were being fed by my inability to forgive myself and move on...and that inability to move on, or to really deal with those feelings of shame and self disgust led me back to drinking....cos I suck right? why should I just drink and destroy myself..?
The thing is I didn't suck. I was a good man grappling with a bad problem.
Forgive yourself the past and move on to a new and better chapter of your life eve
when those feelings of shame and self hatred come remind yourself that you're not that person anymore - you're sober, clean and getting whole again.
D
Hi Eve
I found it hard to forgive myself too - how could I do those things?
it was only later I realised that my self hatred and my lack of self worth were being fed by my inability to forgive myself and move on...and that inability to move on, or to really deal with those feelings of shame and self disgust led me back to drinking....cos I suck right? why should I just drink and destroy myself..?
The thing is I didn't suck. I was a good man grappling with a bad problem.
Forgive yourself the past and move on to a new and better chapter of your life eve
when those feelings of shame and self hatred come remind yourself that you're not that person anymore - you're sober, clean and getting whole again.
D
Magsie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,644
Eve, I think the best we can do is keep sober every day. 
I don’t see that look of ‘oh you’re drunk again’, in my husbands eye anymore and if I phone my friend it’s not as a drunken mess wanting right the world. Which is progress.
I don’t see that look of ‘oh you’re drunk again’, in my husbands eye anymore and if I phone my friend it’s not as a drunken mess wanting right the world. Which is progress.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
In.
No regrets. Just life. Sometimes I'm the windshield, sometimes I'm the bug.
Manta, in the UK can you pay for your own drugs if you want them? Like, not on the National Health? I mean, most drugs are covered by insurance here but the worst case scenario is we can always pay for our own prescriptions if they aren't on the insurance plan.
I quit smoking 25 years ago. Taper. I also tapered on alcohol. I'm a taperer.
Special toes, special nose
No regrets. Just life. Sometimes I'm the windshield, sometimes I'm the bug.
Manta, in the UK can you pay for your own drugs if you want them? Like, not on the National Health? I mean, most drugs are covered by insurance here but the worst case scenario is we can always pay for our own prescriptions if they aren't on the insurance plan.
I quit smoking 25 years ago. Taper. I also tapered on alcohol. I'm a taperer.
Special toes, special nose
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
I'm in.
Ahhh, forgiveness. That was by far the hardest part of sobriety for me. Forgiving myself, and yearning for others to forgive me. Early on, the shame and guilt was actually useful for me - I needed to feel really bad for a while - or there was a chance I'd just keep on going with the drinking. My conscience tended to conveniently check out when I drank, which of course, is part of the reason I drank - to forget for a while how bad I felt about myself and the mess I was making of my life. When I stopped, I had to suddenly start facing up to things - and it was pretty darn painful. I did what AA and treatment told me to do. I made my list of people I had hurt. I made amends when I could. I did the next right thing every day. I apologized promptly when I made a mistake and hurt someone. It took time. It took work. Slowly, people saw that all that bad stuff was truly in the past. Once others began to forgive me, I knew I had to start working on forgiving myself. This was much harder for me. I had to try to overcome a very long history of never feeling good enough, worthy, deserving. I'm still working on it. Thoughts still pop up - memories of things I did or said while drinking can still make me feel terrible. I figure that's ok. I feel the feeling, tell myself it's in the past and won't be repeated, make an amend to another person if necessary, and try to move on. I may never be done with that process. But hey - normies have to do all those things, too, all of their lives, unless they are perfect, which no one is, of course. Just part of life. The amount of guilt and shame I feel now is much less than in the early days, thank goodness. Time really does heal, and keeping your own side of the street clean eventually really pays off.
Ahhh, forgiveness. That was by far the hardest part of sobriety for me. Forgiving myself, and yearning for others to forgive me. Early on, the shame and guilt was actually useful for me - I needed to feel really bad for a while - or there was a chance I'd just keep on going with the drinking. My conscience tended to conveniently check out when I drank, which of course, is part of the reason I drank - to forget for a while how bad I felt about myself and the mess I was making of my life. When I stopped, I had to suddenly start facing up to things - and it was pretty darn painful. I did what AA and treatment told me to do. I made my list of people I had hurt. I made amends when I could. I did the next right thing every day. I apologized promptly when I made a mistake and hurt someone. It took time. It took work. Slowly, people saw that all that bad stuff was truly in the past. Once others began to forgive me, I knew I had to start working on forgiving myself. This was much harder for me. I had to try to overcome a very long history of never feeling good enough, worthy, deserving. I'm still working on it. Thoughts still pop up - memories of things I did or said while drinking can still make me feel terrible. I figure that's ok. I feel the feeling, tell myself it's in the past and won't be repeated, make an amend to another person if necessary, and try to move on. I may never be done with that process. But hey - normies have to do all those things, too, all of their lives, unless they are perfect, which no one is, of course. Just part of life. The amount of guilt and shame I feel now is much less than in the early days, thank goodness. Time really does heal, and keeping your own side of the street clean eventually really pays off.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 598
Good topic. I am not sure if this forgiveness is about the people we hurt or embarrassed or if it is the shame and disappointment we feel in ourselves. Our own self-esteem took a massive knock due to ridiculous and horrible drunk behaviour. I am not sure if it is forgiveness we seek or a way of getting rid of the shame. Regardless, I believe all I can do now is to be the best version of myself that I can be. There will always be shortcomings and mistakes but at least I will be fully aware of them. Mindfulness is my best effort.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Manta, in the UK can you pay for your own drugs if you want them? Like, not on the National Health?
I guess there is no magic pill as we all know lol. I just have to be willing to go through the uncomfortable stuff.
Ordered my new kitchen today, got to wait till mid October for it to be fitted though but super excited!!! x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Thank you, Mags, and all for the great posts.
I will forever regret all the precious moments and experiences wasted to alcohol.
Stress here is off the charts and my true, blue fallbacks (deep breathing, meditation, exercise and prayer) are not working well. No thoughts of drinking, though.
Onward, one day at a time.
Lots of love to all.
I will forever regret all the precious moments and experiences wasted to alcohol.
Stress here is off the charts and my true, blue fallbacks (deep breathing, meditation, exercise and prayer) are not working well. No thoughts of drinking, though.
Onward, one day at a time.
Lots of love to all.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,187
In!
Thanks Mags, interesting OP as ever.
I think we can forgive ourselves for doing or saying stupid or hurtful things whilst drinking without condoning or minimising whatever it was we did or said. It might sound pedantic but forgiving ourselves allows us to move on and attempt to be better people in respect of how we treat ourselves and others. It is not the same as pardoning or absolving ourselves of responsibilty for all the bad things we might have said or done.
I also think that our AV - addicts or alcoholic voice is sneaky in as much as it uses our guilt and self loathing as a crowbar to get us to drink again. Drink to remember, drink to forget but in fact it does neither.
I'm stuck at home recovering from a minor hernia operation this week and annoyingly it is my birthday (59 sheesh!) My outpatient discharge note gives repeated and dire warnings about drinking alcohol so that's one more reason I am grateful to have quit.
My forced immobility reminded me of this thirty five year old clip which is a bit like how I am feeling and which still made me laugh.
https://youtu.be/0VH-tJSpkjA
Thanks Mags, interesting OP as ever.
Originally Posted by eve123
This is giving me huge turmoil at the moment. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for letting my loved ones down and causing damage. I find it difficult. Somethings cannot be unsaid or undone and I do need to feel that so that I never ever go bk. sorry to be nagative but really struggling with the above
I also think that our AV - addicts or alcoholic voice is sneaky in as much as it uses our guilt and self loathing as a crowbar to get us to drink again. Drink to remember, drink to forget but in fact it does neither.
I'm stuck at home recovering from a minor hernia operation this week and annoyingly it is my birthday (59 sheesh!) My outpatient discharge note gives repeated and dire warnings about drinking alcohol so that's one more reason I am grateful to have quit.
My forced immobility reminded me of this thirty five year old clip which is a bit like how I am feeling and which still made me laugh.
https://youtu.be/0VH-tJSpkjA
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Happy Birthday Sao!! xx
I remember sitting in front of the TV taping on an old portable cassette recorder “The Good Life” episode of The Young Ones! I learned every single line and still to this day can recite the whole episode haha! 35 years...where did it go! x
I remember sitting in front of the TV taping on an old portable cassette recorder “The Good Life” episode of The Young Ones! I learned every single line and still to this day can recite the whole episode haha! 35 years...where did it go! x
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