Fearlessat50

I was the one with the drinking problem. I’d get wasted in front of our friends and create drama and embarrass myself and my husband. I drank alone at home until I’d blackout or pass out. My husband often picked up the slack.

I’ve always viewed him as a normie drinker. Tonight I’m not so sure about that. I noticed he seemed to be more preoccupied with how much wine was left in his glass and re-filling more quickly. My friend and I went outside to talk. Then my friends husband came out and asked if I would talk to my husband because he was being loud and obnoxious. These are very good friends. He did not say it in a mean way, but with concern. When I went to check on my husband, he was soooo drunk. Could barely stand up straight, slurring. I was so embarrassed. We stayed for a brief while longer. In my sober state, I knew nothing I said at that time would make any difference. My son said “I take it you’re driving, right mom? Since Dad’s been drinking again.”

It really bothers me that my son had to see this. His words made me realize that my husband seems to be getting himself into this state more often, and my son is noticing.

When I first got sober, I used to find others’ drinking, including my husband’s, funny and entertaining. Not anymore. It’s not a good look on anyone, even if they are a “happy” drunk. It’s sad to me that people feel they need alcohol to have a good time. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.

So now I feel that I have to confront him about this in the morning, which I will do in a gentle way. Hoping he’ll be open and not defensive. I know he respects me. I just hope he gets a handle on this.

Thanks for listening.

BeABetterMan

SoberRican

I will have you in my prayers. Keep coming back

Rose335

Fearless - that's a tough one and I don't have much useful advice to offer. Some things we know from our own drinking days. First, he may not take kindly to any advice (I didn't). Second, he may think you're exaggerating (I did). He may also say it's a one-off and it won't happen again. I think I'd emphasise your worries about the impact of his behaviour on his son since doubtless he loves him dearly and doesn't want to be anything other than the best role model. Plus you - and all of us - are in a position to say quite genuinely that we know what it's like to drink too much and what it leads to so all you want to do is help him to avoid that. Not easy. Hope you can bring your influence to bear. Much love.

DriGuy

That post was a very touching first post. It's so sad to watch that slide happen to others knowing how difficult it is for them to understand what they are doing, and knowing that nothing will change until they recognize the problem, and that even then, they may not get better. My thoughts will be with you.

dpac414

I also don't have any advice for you, but I'm lending my support.

As BetterMan said, please let us know how it goes. I'll be thinking of you.

Numblady

Good luck! I live with a problem drinker/alcoholic so I can relate, though In recent memory I can’t think of a time where a friend had to bring it to my attention. But I can definitely say I have a very negative association with the martini shaker and there is a lot of loud and obnoxious. I don’t know. I don’t really have great answers as mine has never been too responsive to ideas about how his drinking is not helpful. I will say for my own sanity I try primarily to focus on giving my kids an example of leading a productive adult life without “needing” the crutch of a stupid liquid. I’ll be thinking of you. Know it’s still early where you are.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Alcohol is a beast.

Fearlessat50

Thank you all! I did talk to him this morning after the dust settled. It took him by surprise since he remembers very little. Clearly, he blacked out. He was super apologetic, ashamed and not defensive at all, which is more than I can say about myself back when I had been the embarrassing drunken one and he was the one calling me out. To hear his best friend and especially his son comment on his behavior was upsetting to him. He said he is not going to do this ever again. So let’s hope he’s right.

I wonder if there is a specific tipping point when one becomes an alcoholic and can no longer go back to normie drinking. Probably for most of us here, we reached that pickled state too many times, and now we are permanently pickles. Just sat in the marinade too long and can’t ever go back to a cucumber. Not that I want to be a cucumber again. Pickles have more character and depth But, when I look around, I see the progression of alcohol abuse happening with some of my friends and acquaintances. It’s like what Beabetterman said. It is hard to watch, knowing that some get caught up in the cycle and can’t find their way out.

We are all so much better without any alcohol.

Hawkeye13

I personally do think there is a point of no return.

I've certainly crossed it. No matter how much I tried, consistent, predictable moderation has became impossible for me.

I am learning embrace my complex pickle-ness with humility and grace

Rose335

Fearless - that sounds like a good response from your husband and one that gives definite reason for optimism.

I echo what Hawkeye, BABM and TWTOM have said. It's a beast and once you're there, there is definitely no scope for moderation. I genuinely can't remember when my drinking tipped into alcoholism although it wasn't always the case and I've often tried to pinpoint the time. Sometime in the last 10 years? Before then? All I know is that it definitely happened. When friends say to me now 'I'm sure you don't really have a drink problem' I just say to them 'when was the last time you sat by yourself and drank a bottle of wine in one sitting fairly quickly'. The answer is usually never, of course, but quite a few have also said they don't ever miss a night without having a drink and that it's giving them cause for thought. Really hope they don't tip over.

ThatWasTheOldMe

My experience is that the effect of alcohol on the primate brain is such that it eventually steers everyone toward alcoholism. For people that have preexisting mental health conditions, anxiety issues, depression issues, PTSD, etc - it just rapidly gets more intense.

Normal drinkers have normal brain chemistry, but over time saturating the brain with calm-inducing neurotransmitters messes with it and they'll start drinking more to get the same effect.

DriGuy

I can't even make a guess where my tipping point was. I spent most of my life tipping, just continually tipping a little more each year. I have this feeling that even if I had quit 3 years into my drinking, I'd still be an alcoholic, meaning I would never be able to drink normally.

I remember very early on at 5 years into the sauce maybe, being reassured by a drinking buddy that I wasn't an alcoholic when I asked him what he thought about my drinking. You don't just ask that question without noticing a red flag, but it's all to easy to be convinced that everything is fine if you really want to drink all the time.

I dunno, maybe I crossed a line, but I think I was destined for the life I led. I think crossing the line for me was when I quit. It was January 3rd, and that's pin pointing a line pretty close. At any rate, I remember the day, and that I was watching a movie with friends that evening having what turned out to be my last drink.

Delilah1

I think back to my drinking and try to figure out where it really went off the rails. I started drinking in HS, I drank on the weekends and definitely too much, but it seemed like everyone else did as well. Then I went to college and drank way too much for basically four years. After graduation I had phases where I drank, and then some when I didn’t.

Then after having kids, I started to have a glass or two of wine at night. That grew to a bottle or two before I finally stopped. I can not pinpoint a moment, but as I reflect back on myself as a drinker I do not know that I was ever a “normie.”

I’m so glad that conversation with your husband went well.

Zevin

Delihah, you sound just like me. College drinking, then a glass of wine every now and then, and you look up....it's 25 years later and drinking 2 (at least) bottles every night.
Fearless, is your husband on any medication that could be causing this drastic change to sudden intoxication? Or has he slowly ramped up the level of his intake?

Mango212

Hi Fearless,

Al-Anon and Alateen have been helpful to many, myself and my youngest son included.

No difference if it's alcoholism or not, simply for folks who are affected by or having/had a problem with someone else's drinking.

For me it's raised "the bottom" to a much higher level, given me skills, tools and new perspectives.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Congratulations on your recovery..

Dee74

Hi Fearless
bit late to this but my dad is a totally normal drinker. Every so often tho he can drink too much, become obnoxious etc.

'Every so often' is like I can count those times on the fingers of one hand.

Sometimes even normies can take it too far. I hope this is what this is.

D