To stay or leave
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 1
To stay or leave
my husband is a very proud alcoholic who is also a gambling addict. I want to leave him but I still love him. He shows glimpses of sobriety and is kind, then there are weeks like this week. Binge drinking, driving drunk, abusive, and laughs at me when I question him. I know the logical answer is to leave him but I love him, I know that sounds ridiculous. It’s a very difficult position, especially right at this moment, while he sits there totally drunk and happy, while I’m in the other room sad and angry.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
I’ve had several women leave me. And they made the right decision. I always promised I’d quit drinking, and I meant it. But I couldn’t. If the women in my life would have stuck around they would have been put through hell. Some did stick around, and they suffered.
I have no idea if your husband wants to quit or if he can and I don’t know how happy your marriage is otherwise so I can’t advise you either way, just sharing my experience.
I am now finally trying to get sober for good. I don’t date because it jeopardizes my sobriety and I would cause great harm to a woman with my alcoholic and codependent tendencies. But you can imagine what those qualities did to my relationships while I was in active addiction.
One more thing. If he’s abusive, binging, driving drunk and sitting in the other room drunk, he’s probably not very happy.
I have no idea if your husband wants to quit or if he can and I don’t know how happy your marriage is otherwise so I can’t advise you either way, just sharing my experience.
I am now finally trying to get sober for good. I don’t date because it jeopardizes my sobriety and I would cause great harm to a woman with my alcoholic and codependent tendencies. But you can imagine what those qualities did to my relationships while I was in active addiction.
One more thing. If he’s abusive, binging, driving drunk and sitting in the other room drunk, he’s probably not very happy.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,761
Whether you stay or leave depends on what you will tolerate from him. The driving drunk would scare me. 
And there is no excuse for abuse of any kind, drinking or not.
I hope you can come to a resolution that brings you some peace of mind.
And there is no excuse for abuse of any kind, drinking or not. I hope you can come to a resolution that brings you some peace of mind.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Wow yeah sounds like you in a pickle. I mean the man is sick and is in denial is my view. And when he full blown in booze mode . sounds toxic . do you have a plan? Like where to go . can you take care of yourself. Is there kids involved etc. I'm not one to tell you what to do. But odds are listen to your gut. And take care of you. Shoot with love lile that who needs enemies. Keep coming back
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi jennmms and welcome.
You might find the Friends and Family forum here at SR really helpful. Many threads about what you are discussing here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You might find the Friends and Family forum here at SR really helpful. Many threads about what you are discussing here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 622
My wife left me in part because of the excessive drinking. She tried to help me any way she could but I was to stupid and didn't want to quit at the time even though I thought a lot about it.
Fast forward a number of years and I've realized this is my biggest failure in my life. Drinking destroyed my marriage and family life. I'm very lucky that we now get alone very well and she is more informed of my quit then my lady friend only because she has known me for 25 plus years and lived through HELL if I'm going to be honest.
I don't blame her one bit and believe she did the right thing.
I wasn't going to change until I wanted to and it is a daily battle/thing to stay sober but sober is soooooooooooooo much better then the life of drinking.
Good luck in choice and do what best for you.
Edit...I'm not trying to encourage you one way or the other, just sharing my story.
Fast forward a number of years and I've realized this is my biggest failure in my life. Drinking destroyed my marriage and family life. I'm very lucky that we now get alone very well and she is more informed of my quit then my lady friend only because she has known me for 25 plus years and lived through HELL if I'm going to be honest.
I don't blame her one bit and believe she did the right thing.
I wasn't going to change until I wanted to and it is a daily battle/thing to stay sober but sober is soooooooooooooo much better then the life of drinking.
Good luck in choice and do what best for you.
Edit...I'm not trying to encourage you one way or the other, just sharing my story.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sad and angry is no way to go through a relationship.
I understand that you love him, but you should understand that love is not enough to make a marriage work.
There is nothing you can do to change him, but there is a lot you can do to help yourself. If you are not ready to leave, you can at least detach from him when he is behaving badly (and make no mistake: drunk driving and being abusive and dismissive of you is VERY bad behavior). He has the right to drink but you have the right to leave a situation where you are being treated with disrespect. Don't wait for him to change to make you more comfortable.
I understand that you love him, but you should understand that love is not enough to make a marriage work.
There is nothing you can do to change him, but there is a lot you can do to help yourself. If you are not ready to leave, you can at least detach from him when he is behaving badly (and make no mistake: drunk driving and being abusive and dismissive of you is VERY bad behavior). He has the right to drink but you have the right to leave a situation where you are being treated with disrespect. Don't wait for him to change to make you more comfortable.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
If I loved someone and they were not physically hurting me I couldn't leave.
The mental abuse is something one has to decide about.
Some folks can take more than others.
Some folks in the military have seen countless lives snuffed out and are still able to cuddle puppies and little babies with genuine heart felt loving emotion.
Others are damaged for life after seeing or being involved in just one incident.
I am speaking from an ex drunk aspect. I have never been to al anon, but I've been hanging around SR for a long time and am not afraid to try and help.
Sincerely.
Thanks.
The mental abuse is something one has to decide about.
Some folks can take more than others.
Some folks in the military have seen countless lives snuffed out and are still able to cuddle puppies and little babies with genuine heart felt loving emotion.
Others are damaged for life after seeing or being involved in just one incident.
I am speaking from an ex drunk aspect. I have never been to al anon, but I've been hanging around SR for a long time and am not afraid to try and help.
Sincerely.
Thanks.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Walking away is a huge step. Statistically, men are more likely to leave alcoholic wives than the other way around. Maybe there are a few things things you can try first.
There is the friends and family forum here.
There are the Alanon family groups who have vast experience with this very problem.
Then there is a part of Alcoholics Anonymous, not so well know these days, where you can set in place a plan for the day your husband realizes he needs help and is open to getting it. This involves having a couple of contacts, recovered alcoholics from AA, who will be available to talk to your husband when he is ready.
To make such contacts you would have to find AA members who know the program well, probably popping along to a Big Book Study or Primary Purpose Group, the latter are usually open to non alcoholics and talk to some of the members there. Don't be fobbed off with comments like "you cant do anything blah blah" Explain that the Big Book has some very good suggestions on how you can work with a recovered AA member and lay the groundwork for the day your husband wants help, and you would like some one to work with you on that.
It is not a guaranteed thing, nothing is where alcoholism is concerned, but like everything else the best chance of success comes through preparation.
One reason it is wise to be prepared is that those moments that the alcoholic can see his problem and desires to do something about it can be fleeting, sometimes just a matter of hours, before the ego rebuilds and the obsession comes back and the opportunity is gone. So be prepared to strike while the iron is hot.
There is the friends and family forum here.
There are the Alanon family groups who have vast experience with this very problem.
Then there is a part of Alcoholics Anonymous, not so well know these days, where you can set in place a plan for the day your husband realizes he needs help and is open to getting it. This involves having a couple of contacts, recovered alcoholics from AA, who will be available to talk to your husband when he is ready.
To make such contacts you would have to find AA members who know the program well, probably popping along to a Big Book Study or Primary Purpose Group, the latter are usually open to non alcoholics and talk to some of the members there. Don't be fobbed off with comments like "you cant do anything blah blah" Explain that the Big Book has some very good suggestions on how you can work with a recovered AA member and lay the groundwork for the day your husband wants help, and you would like some one to work with you on that.
It is not a guaranteed thing, nothing is where alcoholism is concerned, but like everything else the best chance of success comes through preparation.
One reason it is wise to be prepared is that those moments that the alcoholic can see his problem and desires to do something about it can be fleeting, sometimes just a matter of hours, before the ego rebuilds and the obsession comes back and the opportunity is gone. So be prepared to strike while the iron is hot.
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