Misc72

Hello my fellow SR's...

I've been on SR for six years. On again, off again with the drinking lifestyle. Currently OFF. I'd like to get this thread going as I am known for emotional drinking. When I came to SR my son was 12. He is now 18 and in 10 days he moves into his college dorm.

I'm just taking things one day at a time and dealing with my emotions as they come and go. Trying to figure out the new 'me'. And honestly when he was younger and sobriety never crossed my mind, I used to look forward to being free so I can party or live how I want carefree. I never thought it was an issue because I was never a daily drinker. I now know that doesn't matter, it's how I act when I do drink, and the not being able to be satisfied with a couple, seeking the euphoria that getting wasted provides is never a good idea, blackouts, falls, hangovers, etc... you know the routine. Now it is a scary thought that I do not have to answer to anyone any longer, I no longer have a child under my roof and I have a hard time thinking I can do this with him gone, especially because of the heavy burden in my heart that he is leaving home.

I'll take any advice and trust me, I take it very serious.

Dee74

I have no advice except to say I got sober in the same house I got drunk in.
Its all about mindset IMO - you can look at it as an opportunity to drink, or an opportunity for new challenges and goals

D

Misssy2

When I saw the title I thought (honesty...I have to keep it honest)….I thought..."someone is feeling they can not handle this life change without drinking".

Then I read the actual post and I am thinking...I wish she didn't feel a "heavy burden" on her heart.....She must still be in the midst of the alcohol brain "depression" we suffer from....because

I don't think you are seeing the JOY of your son is succeeding in life!

Regardless of all the years you drank he is succeeding...this is something to be happy for....I wish you could feel REALLY BLESSED instead of feeling down. But, again I think you are still feeling down from the alcohol...I know you said you are "off" but it takes a while being "off" before we start to think clearly and more positively.

It seems that the alcohol is still speaking to you...you don't have enough time away from it to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

When you feel better ...your interests become more and more in doing things that are beneficial to you and fun.

I wish you could look at this AS.... now is the time...go to the gym....meet new people..maybe even date (if your not married)….

I am curious if your son is worried that you will drink more when he leaves because I know my son worries Im going to drink all the time..I only have 41 days.....that is a burden for our sons to think about.

I hope that the alcohol becomes less of a focus for you before he leaves so that you can show him that you will be ok and that you are proud of him.

I would focus on different goals for my future...and remember the past is the past..you had fantasies of drinking probably when you became an "empty nester"...drinking in peace....bliss....

You know it is not bliss and if you drink just like if I drink...you will probably get worse...especially without your son there....for you to realize you really shouldn't drink....You could die while he is away and that would be terrible.

SoberRican

You. Say on and off again. Well let say we give the sober train another shot.

boreas

Joy,
What a timely thread as I’ve put loads of thought into this recently. DS starts his senior year of HS in a few days, and is likely off to the military when that is over. I've spent much time pondering this great break, as since my divorce my biggest identity has been “DS’s Mom”, (lately DS’s Sober Mom”. The writer Carla Emery said upon her (unwanted) divorce, “When someone asks for their freedom, they also give you yours”. Losing my purpose as mom will leave a giant hole in my life, but I am choosing to see it as an opportunity to reinvent myself and begin a new chapter.

I chose to keep my sobriety and my momness separate. I got sober by myself and for myself, which in turn made me a better mother. So it has worked out for the best, but for me it was important to base my sobriety on a foundation that was my own. A foundation that could not be taken away or lost, and was not the obligation of someone else. It will be difficult when all of the momming duties disappear, but it is my responsibility to fill that void with health and happiness.

Always remember...children continue to need you as they move into adulthood. Wise council and the ability to get in the car late at night and be there for a crisis are the priceless gifts we give our kids by our sober presence in their lives. And our healthy lives set an example and allow them to seek their independence without worry for what they leave behind.

I wish you the very best...
-bora

Misc72

Missy-thank you for your response. Yes I have trouble with letting go of the idea he is going to be gone. I am thrilled he is going to college and even close by. It could be so much worse. Thank you for the optimistic outlook. I have joined a gym and now need a routine to go. I am married and husband is not an active guy so it's on me to get motivated. I see all the other empty nester mom's having their get togethers to cry and "wine" to each other that their kids are leaving home. Not that they are doing anything wrong, but I generally like to drink to get wasted when I do drink. So those cozy settings never work out for me anyway. Day by day... Thank you again...

Misssy2

Sounds like you are on a GOOD track....so if you do all you said....than I believe that you WILL someday in the future be able to sit with the empty nesters...and eat some nachos and have some soda!

But right now you have to take care of yourself....Once you get to a certain point...you will be glad you made the choices you made....now.

I GET missing out on the chance to drink without worrying about the "son".

But...I've done that...and the drinking will just spiral...it won't be festive or relaxing like your "demon" wants you to think it will be.

Hugs.

kenton

Just a suggestion but have you ever considered reading 'The Power of Now' ? I only mention it because I'm currently reading it and your post made me think about the book. You talk about the past .... When your son was young and sobriety maybe wasn't a priority ..... And you talk about the future ..... When he's left home and you're worried about figuring out the new you..... This book may give you some insight into how to be in the present moment. I'm finding the book incredibly helpful .... It explains how we turn to alcohol, drugs etc to escape our fears about the future, yet if we focus more on the now - this moment, the only moment that really matters, we can learn to experience joy and happiness without yearning for the past or worrying about the future. Might be worth a read. Good luck xxxx

Callas

Well perhaps this is just the new start you need as well. It could work out for both of you.

Misc72

Kenton is that Eckart Tolle? I love him! Thank you

entropy1964

I am also an empty nester in a few short weeks. I totally relate to your post...about not knowing who I 'am' or what the future holds.

Originally my daughter was going to attend school in Cali and I would have moved to my folks house to care give for them. That would keep me somewhat close to her and give me insta purpose. But she decided to stay local and my parents are beyond my ability to care for them (would have been a horrid choice for me/my life) so I am staying home.

Like you my daughter is only 40 minutes away, so the break is more 'symbolic'. I mean, yes she's moving out, but I'm sure we'll see each other quite a bit. I both hope we do and hope we don't. I want her to thrive and staying tied to me won't help her do that. We shall see.

So now I have to do me. Yikes. I have to get a job. I'm terrified. I have to get a life...also terrifying. But ya know, it'll work out, just take one step at a time.

Drinking? What good will that do? Zippo. I don't 'get away' with my drinking....its a total mess. I simply can't. Won't. Gotta just face things. Not blow the whole deal out of proportion (my addiction loves when I do that). Make it a reason to drink, justify and rationalize. Nope. Not gonna do it.

My whole goal with the kiddo was to raise and independent adult....so it would be quite weird for me to act like a dependent child and drink. Ya know? We all have to be grown ups...challenging as that is at times

Misc72

Hoping this post bumps this thread up for more support. I've been thinking of my drinking (BC) Before Child, (DC) During Child and now I have never experienced drinking (AC) After Child leaves home which is this Friday. The cunning AV at work, saying that it could be different now. Also, saying how much fun it would be to celebrate that raising the kid is complete and now I'm free....

MLD51

I'll be empty nesting next fall. I'm already having some pretty strong emotions about it. I'm single, and I'll be on my own completely. My son is probably going to college not too far away geographically, but that is still being decided. I do have other family in the area (my daughter and granddaughter in the same town, my mom and her husband about 20 miles away) but the prospect of an empty house is a very different feeling for me. My daughter is 28, so when my son leaves for college I will have been "mom" for over 29 years.

I am SO very thankful I am sober, and have been for the past 4.5 or so years. I cannot IMAGINE what a complete and utter mess I would probably make of my life if there was no one home to take care of and I were still drinking. I cringe to even think of it. I mean, I managed to almost ruin my life and the lives of those around me when I DID have some accountability.

I am trying to wrap my head around what life is going to look like after he's gone. How different will it be? Will I be sad, or happy, a combination of both? I want to feel happy for him, and I do, but I'm also afraid.

I think I need to check out the book Kenton recommended, because I would like to not spend the next year worrying about this.

Misc72

That.... is a true statement! What makes me think I would be a more responsible drinker without the responsibility of being a mom. I think that I try to justify it because his childhood was so stressful dealing with dad/my ex.... bankruptcy, child custody battles, child support war, everything under the sun... when he would leave to dad's I would just party until he came home and then I would never drink with him around. Now it seems that all that stress is over and that's why my mind is playing tricks on me. No more communication or co-parenting with an *******... It's like I'm getting a fresh new start to re-invent myself and/or relationship with alcohol.... but I know better.

It has been happy/sad everything.... Now I'm just so happy for him because I see he is so happy to get his independence and freedom too. And he is getting the college experience. I never had that.

entropy1964

So first of all you aren't done raising your kid. He's 18. And the first 6 months of college can be rough. I remember getting really sick, mono of all things. So sick I couldn't eat anything. My parents were dysfunction junction....I had to get a ride home over Thanksgiving. When I got home my dad was passed out on the couch. Mom was working. No one there to say 'Honey we missed you'. Nada. My mom did take me to the hospital that night....spent one night there getting hydrated. Cortisone shot for all the swelling in my throat. I don't know why I'm telling this sob story. My mom did nurse me back to health over the next few days. I guess I'm just saying you aren't done.

But is that even the point? If you are an alcoholic then drinking will bring you and your son misery. If you aren't an alcoholic, then knock yourself out. Maybe that's the question you need to ask yourself. And if you are an alcoholic, why would you be able to drink and have it be all sunshine and rainbows, when millions of others can't?

Sorry this post is sounding very edgy. Maybe because my kiddo moves out in 9 days also. And I'm nervous about it. But 'this' is what parenting is. These are the defining moments. If drinking has defined everything in your life...BC, DC....what even is that? Do you want it to define AC as well....even though you aren't even near being AC? There is no before, during or after. There is only now.

Are you going to continue to let alcohol define the timeline of your life?

Misc72

Entropy-how aweful... I'm sorry even though it was likely a long time ago. I've had mono and it is misery. It's only since 2013 that I decided I'm a problem drinker. I've been in and out of denial since then. Before then, I was just content with who I was drinking and all... Now I see it differently. Thank you for taking the time to respond. xoxox

entropy1964

Well that sounds like the million dollar question? Good ole step one from AA. I don't think there can be any contentment until one faces the truth, whatever that may be.

As long as you are on the fence, and still able to romanticize alcohol, it will be an ever present obsession.

MLD51

Entropy is right - parenting isn't over. I know for a fact my kids both still need me even when they are grown and gone. Maybe they don't need daily meals, rides, help with school stuff, etc, but they need to know I'm there, and OK. And that if the stuff hits the fan, they can count on me. That right there will be enough responsibility, and will help keep me on the right track. I went though a bunch of stuff with my daughter over the past few years, as she extricated herself from a horrible marriage and found her feet again, among other things. I was sober for all of it, and so grateful for that, as I'm sure she was, also.

I also have enough self-respect at this point in my life that I won't let myself get back to where I was at the end of my drinking days, even if no one is there to see it but me.

entropy1964

I actually posted in another thread about this.

Believe me, I want the parenting part of my job to end. But the family part will never end....being there for her.

But 18? Yeah. Way not done. I am hopeful tho that by 25 she will be quite independent.

That last bit that MLD said, about self respect. THAT is what it is about. Me? Drunk? There is nothing messier. Everything that I hope to be is shot in that moment. And for what?

Misc72

Emotional time for me as my only son heads off to college Friday. I'm feeling vulnerable and extremely delicate with my emotions. Could easily numb myself with alcohol. I don't and I won't. My question is, I have very very good friends who son is also moving off, and they want to hang out on Saturday. They always respect when we do not drink, however it doesn't stop them, and so I'm not really interested in watching them pound whiskey chain smoke and get loud. Ugh... I don't know how to get out of this.