I'm finding it hard. My husband says he wants to stop drinking most mornings but just
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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I'm finding it hard. My husband says he wants to stop drinking most mornings but just
My husband is 64 and drinking for 23 years. More of a binge drinker but in the last three years I'd almost constantly drinking. Somehow abused in his late teens have come out more he is angry, got into trouble with the law for which he is on probation. I try to detach with love. I draw boundaries with money where possible though he gets credit from the horrible cost cutters nearby who served him even if he's very drunk. I find myself cooking s meal for him and he's do grateful as it kills the compulsion for a drink I love him very much but hate what he'd doing to us all. Our adult children live at home as they can't afford a deposit or rent. There are 7 adults in our house and considering the stress they do very well One son is a recovering addict and he is still affected by his dad's drinking and how I am. Is it possible to detach with love from a struggling addict. I feel for anyone addict or related to an addict it is tough
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi hopefullness55 and welcome.
You might want to visit the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum, lots of posts there that would probably be of interest to you:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
It is absolutely possible to detach and when you read many of the stories of friends and family you will see how they have accomplished this or are on their way to.
Hope you will post over there as well!
There is also the stickies section at the top of that forum that has a wealth of information (found at the top of the forum). You might find this helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rty-lines.html (Detachment - Property Lines)
A book that is often recommended here is Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, which you might find helpful as well.
You might want to visit the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum, lots of posts there that would probably be of interest to you:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
It is absolutely possible to detach and when you read many of the stories of friends and family you will see how they have accomplished this or are on their way to.
Hope you will post over there as well!
There is also the stickies section at the top of that forum that has a wealth of information (found at the top of the forum). You might find this helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rty-lines.html (Detachment - Property Lines)
A book that is often recommended here is Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, which you might find helpful as well.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
I can't tell from reading your post if your husband wants to stop drinking or not?
I know you and the family want him to...but if he doesn't want to....he probably won't.
But you did say he is grateful for the good meals you cook...but you shouldn't have to feel like if you don't cook he is going to drink....
That's a lot of people and a lot of stress in the house..I'm sorry you are going thru this....I wish he would stop so he could help you out more.
I know you and the family want him to...but if he doesn't want to....he probably won't.
But you did say he is grateful for the good meals you cook...but you shouldn't have to feel like if you don't cook he is going to drink....
That's a lot of people and a lot of stress in the house..I'm sorry you are going thru this....I wish he would stop so he could help you out more.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
We have LOST THE POWER OF CHOICE.
This is not an obscure rhetorical statement. For those affected as myself, it is a statement of absolute STONE-COLD REALITY. I drank & drugged for 40 years. I got sober at age 60. 'I' did NOT get myself sober. It was only thru the desperation of conflicts and consequences (set in motion by my wife, THANK GOD) that I ended up with no choice but to WORK THE PROGRAM of AA. I struggled for a long time, face-in-the-pavement-struggling, trying to play the B/S game of 'just don't drink and go to meetings'. It was only when absolute desperation brought me to the point of complete surrender, that I actually WORKED THE 12 STEPS. I did this at the point of absolute desperation, because I SAW OTHERS IN THE PROGRAM WHOSE LIVES HAD BEEN TRANSFORMED, by actually WORKING THE STEPS.
Quote from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous:
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
I suggest you read the book. More than once. BELIEVE WHAT IT SAYS.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW Anyone Can B 2.
This is not an obscure rhetorical statement. For those affected as myself, it is a statement of absolute STONE-COLD REALITY. I drank & drugged for 40 years. I got sober at age 60. 'I' did NOT get myself sober. It was only thru the desperation of conflicts and consequences (set in motion by my wife, THANK GOD) that I ended up with no choice but to WORK THE PROGRAM of AA. I struggled for a long time, face-in-the-pavement-struggling, trying to play the B/S game of 'just don't drink and go to meetings'. It was only when absolute desperation brought me to the point of complete surrender, that I actually WORKED THE 12 STEPS. I did this at the point of absolute desperation, because I SAW OTHERS IN THE PROGRAM WHOSE LIVES HAD BEEN TRANSFORMED, by actually WORKING THE STEPS.
Quote from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous:
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
I suggest you read the book. More than once. BELIEVE WHAT IT SAYS.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW Anyone Can B 2.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by RDBplus3 
We have LOST THE POWER OF CHOICE.
This is not an obscure rhetorical statement. For those affected as myself, it is a statement of absolute STONE-COLD REALITY. I drank & drugged for 40 years. I got sober at age 60. 'I' did NOT get myself sober. It was only thru the desperation of conflicts and consequences (set in motion by my wife, THANK GOD) that I ended up with no choice but to WORK THE PROGRAM of AA. I struggled for a long time, face-in-the-pavement-struggling, trying to play the B/S game of 'just don't drink and go to meetings'. It was only when absolute desperation brought me to the point of complete surrender, that I actually WORKED THE 12 STEPS. I did this at the point of absolute desperation, because I SAW OTHERS IN THE PROGRAM WHOSE LIVES HAD BEEN TRANSFORMED, by actually WORKING THE STEPS.
Quote from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous:
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
I suggest you read the book. More than once. BELIEVE WHAT IT SAYS.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW Anyone Can B 2.
This is not an obscure rhetorical statement. For those affected as myself, it is a statement of absolute STONE-COLD REALITY. I drank & drugged for 40 years. I got sober at age 60. 'I' did NOT get myself sober. It was only thru the desperation of conflicts and consequences (set in motion by my wife, THANK GOD) that I ended up with no choice but to WORK THE PROGRAM of AA. I struggled for a long time, face-in-the-pavement-struggling, trying to play the B/S game of 'just don't drink and go to meetings'. It was only when absolute desperation brought me to the point of complete surrender, that I actually WORKED THE 12 STEPS. I did this at the point of absolute desperation, because I SAW OTHERS IN THE PROGRAM WHOSE LIVES HAD BEEN TRANSFORMED, by actually WORKING THE STEPS.
Quote from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous:
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
I suggest you read the book. More than once. BELIEVE WHAT IT SAYS.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW Anyone Can B 2.
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