Same drinking habits
 

When I was drinking I used to stay in my room ALOT...

I used to sneak in and out...using the door handle quietly...etc.

I used to get all my ice in my cooler in my room before my son got home from work....and then the rest of the night I didn't leave my room unless I had to use the bathroom from the alcohol.

I now have about 40 days sober...and I still feel "pinned" to my bed once I come in to retire for the night..

I still recognized sometimes I am sneaking my door open or feeling like I don't want to use the bathroom yet...cause I used to hold it as long as possible..so I didn't bump into my son while I was drunk.


I was just doing that..I've had to pee for about 40 minutes and I feel fearful to leave my room. I just realized..WHAT THE HECK...I have nothing to hide anymore...I'm not ashamed...I am not "sneaking" anything....JUST GET UP AND GO!

There have been other behaviors...like remaining quite when my son gets home from work cause as soon as I talk to people when I'm drinking they know I am drinking...

I noticed all this week when he came home I was still remaining quite and I still felt that "guilt and shame" from drinking I still felt...fearful to talk even thou I have no reason to be worried about this any longer.

And Friday night I talked to my son ALOT when he got home from work...it felt really FREEING...

And he said its so good to see you in a good mood you haven't talked to me this much in a long time...and again I realized my body and brain still have the same behaviors and actions sometimes AS IF I am drinking. Its an erie yucky feeling...

When these things are happening and then the realization hits me that I am not DRINKING ...its a great feeling.

I have nothing to hide (my looks, my condition)...nothing to be ashamed of....But sometimes all of that learned behavior is still there...Its weird.

This is an amazing post. So insiteful.

It took a while for me to feel comfortable breaking the old habits too.

I remember towards the end that I would be afraid to stand up or walk down the stairs after drinking. I knew my balance was getting very compromised. The brain damage was escalating.

Here I am after all this time clean and my balance is still improving. It is like getting gifts from God, when I am at an age when I am supposed to be having things taken away.

When I first quit, I couldn't drive on the freeway without tremendous anxiety. Heart racing palm sweating anxiety.

That lasted for a year or so. These days, I feel my anxiety is more normal. I am not sure what normal feels like, but i know i feel 100% better than 4 years ago.

Thanks.

Thank you :)….Its just really weird...there are more things that I do...I used to feel like I had to be home on the days I wasn't drinking to show my son that I wasn't drinking...I did that for the first 2 weeks of being sober....

Then I realized how ridiculous I was being leaving sober things I was enjoying just to prove I was not drinking anymore....So I stopped doing that and I stay out as long as I damn well please.

I always feel anxiety driving around because I used to always feel anxiety driving around because I had a beer or a nip of vodka or two or SIX in me and with me...and sometimes I still feel that anxiety when a cop gets behind me and i'm like WAIT....I'm fine....let him stop me! LOL

Big Congratulations ON 4 YEARS!

Funny You talkes about old habits or like wierd stuff that I did because of my addiction . like earlier today I was cleaning something or looking for something . well I didnt find what I was looking for. But what I did find was empty little shooter bottles I had hidden thru out the area. Pretty sad when you get to that point.its like your guilt or something so you stash it . which in reality you are not doing a good job cause they know I'm boozed up on something besides beer. Its like they know What kind of booze buzz I have. I dont hide them things anymore as far as talking about it. Cause talking about it could let someone know how coniving this disease is. And the stupid things it makes you do. I'm glad I have broken that cycle. And for you folks reading this cause maybe your on the fence about this(recovery) give this sobriety thing a try. And if you fail that's ok .....try again. You wont regret it. Keep coming back

Nice thread.
I have not drank for the past 4 weeks. Every one of the last 28 days I have followed the same 'ritual' waking up:
1. Open eyes slowly, moving even slower to one side of the bed before getting up assessing how bad the hangover is.
2. Realising I cannot possibly have a hangover. Massive relief.
3. Avoiding my reflection on the mirror while brushing my teeth. I don't want to see the puffy face, the swollen eyes, etc. I don't want to see me.
4. Forcing myself to have a good look. Saying to myself 'I love you'. Sounds ridiculous and I actually laugh most times but I have decided to fake it until I make it.

I know exactly what you mean Missy! It’s only really sinking in that I am sober 24/7 at 14 months. I never used to leave the house in the evenings, during the day If I was working from home or at all at the weekend as I would have had too much to drink to drive. For a very long time after getting sober I still would stay home and not go out and have to remind myself all the time it’s fine, I can drive anytime I want lol.

I did the same thing when I booked a few days away to celebrate 12 month sober without realising at first. I was fixated on having to find accommodation that was in walking distance from the beach (super expensive in the U.K.) It took me a while to realise that I would be sober and could stay a little further away as I would be able to drive down, it was mad to think that even after 12 months I still thought like an alcoholic trying to centre my life round the next drink...that I wouldn’t be having!

I guess it took more than a year to create these bad habits and behaviours in the first place so might take a bit longer to retrain the ole noggin to automatically think like a sober person. Glad I am getting to live that reality thought and congrats on 40 days xx

And I thought it might just be me. Lol
I love the fact that I can go and run errands ANY time of the day now with out the fear of drinking and driving.
I enjoy seeing how active “normal” people are and the part of the day that I haven't seen in a very long time because of my drinking.

You articulated the feelings exactly...and I do similar things..
"Massive relief" hit the nail on the head for me today.

I just woke up groggy for church...but then realized I'm just GROGGY..not hungover.

So cool...that you say that about driving...same here...I still think certain times I shouldn't be driving...LOL...WHY NOT.

I remember the other night driving to get some DONUTS....and feeling FREE and realizing I hadn't been out at night sober in a very long time...either.

And laughing all the way and praising the heavens that it was such a beautiful night, I was driving SOBER and getting chocolate covered donuts...Life is good sober.

I also have a ton of shooter bottles I find here and there and I feel so ashamed and angry when I find them that they are STILL popping up in my life.

Like Backandscared, I couldn’t look at my face in the mirror for the longest time. Alcohol had wrecked my skin. I had bad rosacea, bloodshot eyes and puffiness everywhere. I wore a lot of makeup to cover up. I don’t remember exactly when I stopped feeling this way, probably about a year and a half. I can look at myself again and don’t feel the need to wear much makeup. More than seeing my healthy skin, when I look at my face, I think about the changes I’ve made on the inside from quitting drinking, which glow on the outside. It gives me a proud feeling.

The other behavior that took a while to stop is rushing around. I always felt hurried when I was drinking. I was rushing to get my next drink. Even after I quit, I still had that feeling like I was always racing against the clock. I’m so much more relaxed now.

OMG..this is probably why I'm always rushing around also...your right..at least in my case..I used to try to get everything done so I could drink...that is how it started....

Then progressed to hurrying to sneak things in the house..fill the cooler...hurry to room to get the next drink while someone left the room....yes! ANXIETY....

So true.

Backandscared - I LOVE THAT!!! Will give the "I love you" thing a go tomorrow morning!

Fearless the rushing around... never thought of it as related to alcohol. I have always been 'agitated', but alcohol made it worse. The busy-ness that was not associated to any productivity. Running around before people came home or after waking up to check the cupboards, to make sure I did not leave any evidence of the crime. Such a horrible way to start, continue and finish your day. I hope I get calmer too. Nowhere there yet, although anxiety has gone to levels I could not even remember.

GrayJ Try it: after writing it here, I reread myself and felt tenderness towards myself. I pictured myself looking at the mirror, saying 'I love you' despite feeling utterly stupid and then laughing at myself. And a rush of warmth came and it was directed to me. To the scared person who is doing all this but has rediscovered the ability at laughing at herself too.

For the first time ever, I have had a clue about what 'being compassionate' to yourself means. I could not find real examples for me to implement. Well, this is my first.