biminiblue

Aww, Houstin, I get that way sometimes too.

I just have to push through it and believe it will pass like it always has. It's just that whole Human Experience making itself felt.

Please don't pick up a drink, it won't solve this.

How about a volunteer position somewhere where your compassionate nature will be appreciated?

Thing about emotions and negative thoughts, they will pass if I make an effort to turn toward gratitude.

Grouphug from all of us We care about you and we need you on our Team!

fini

you are unlikely to "happen to start drinking shortly" when you are putting it into those terms already. it makes it much more likely that you will decide to drink, if you haven't already.
i'm sorry to read something has changed, and yeah, your whole "voice" in this post is different. it would be tough to know if this is a temporary sense of being, or a more "underlying state" coming up...seems like speaking with a health care person would be a good idea.
what do you think?
congratulations on five weeks, Houstin, and good you recognize the change and are speaking about it here.

biminiblue

I would add that pain pills are a really Really bad idea for trying to escape.

I would be very careful with any OTC or prescription drug that alters how I feel or that can become another addiction.

It will lead to more negative feelings and depression.

Also, I am very careful about who I let into my life. People who are emotional or financial vampires,



If you are serious about wanting to black out and not wake up, here is the link from Newcomers suggesting people to whom you can talk:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html

BackandScared

You are much more fun when you are not thinking about drinking... but I guess you would not be here otherwise and I would have missed all your jokes and the incredible journey I check everyday in case there are updates.

It is rubbish at times. Not because you are drinking or you are not drinking. It is just like that. It is also inside you. You cannot blame alcohol of all your flaws. When sober, I remain the same distracted person, procrastinating, struggling with deadlines and panicking for things I could have easily controlled with a bit of planing. The same way, you cannot find happiness out there. You will become a better person doing the best yo can for others. But this must be something you appreciate yourself about yourself.

Happiness and unhappiness are mostly in our brains. It is OK to feel it. You own them. Of course there are many things that can happen and make us sad, which is good. They mean something to us. You cannot be sad if nothing means anything. What is taking you down? What is making you 'feel'? Whatever it is, it means something to you and therefore it must be some kind of reason to live, if you can find the right angle to approach it.

Big, massive hug

BeABetterMan

Kaily

Houston sorry your mood has taken such a dip, given the chance it will pass. Really it does.

I understand that overwhelming desire. Wanting to make the world disappear for a day. Thing is it won't be a day, never is.

You are doing so well, don't throw it away for a feeling.

Look forward to a more positive update from you very soon.

And of course, Sober is the new black.

Houstin

Thankyou everyone, I had a lay down for an hour an kind of feel like this at the moment.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better (((Hugs)))

yinzer

I hope tomorrow is better! We are all here to help you through.

Houstin

Dee74

Houstin
you meantion this is not a new feeling so I'm just wondering if you've seen anyone about depression.

That kind of 'looking for something to live for' reminds me a lot of my depression, especially before I got it treated.

I hope you feel better tomorrow in any case

D

Obladi

Hey Houstin, I'm at just over 5 weeks too, and I think I get what you're saying. My instinct is to say to you "Don't look for a reason to live, look for meaning in living," except for that I've absolutely no idea what I mean by that. Maybe sometimes we don't have any particular idea what we're all about and that's ok. I dunno.

Someone recently remarked to me that if you give your all to others without receiving in return, you'll eventually have nothing left to give. Seeing a therapist isn't a bad idea - lots of us do or have done that. What's up with meetings? You haven't posted about any lately. And to belatedly respond to something you wrote a couple of weeks ago about censoring yourself from saying what you're thinking/feeling in a meeting - don't. There is no need for you to take responsibility for potentially "triggering" someone else with what you say - AA is all about saving yourself right now. There will be time enough for looking out for others when you've gained your own solid ground.

One other thing - while you do have a sense of humor and that's a mighty fine trait, it's much more important to your own healing to be honest here than to be entertaining.

Hang in there and keep talking.

xo
O

August252015

Checking in with you Houstin - just wanted to say that you are doing GREAT with the weeks adding up and "stuff" (ie feelings, mainly!) is just starting to come to the surface for you. I was all over the place at the start - it was really around 100 days that I recall a shift forward in many areas- and it just keeps taking time to figure things out.

Here's a link I like to share- it really resonated with me when I first saw it from Dee - PAWS is something that many of us do experience, and whatever an individual's experience, I think there is info that everyone can relate to or learn something from about what happens to us when we quit drinking. I'dd also suggest you get the book Living Sober (it's an AA approved publication so you can get at some meetings and I believe on Amazon)- a good and easy read about the first year of sobriety.

https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/

Keep going. Remember- get thru today and you have a new day - it is amazing to me (still) at how things flow and change and sometimes a nap or going to bed for the night shifts us back to a better place.

BackandScared

Forgot to say... reread your first post. You know, when you thought that the solution to your problem to your drink and type was to get rid of your computer becoming totally isolated. Now you are thinking of getting rid of the car.

I must tell you this: you are not too good at prevention. The problem was the drink before and remains the drink. You don't find reasons to live for and isolating yourself will not only leave the cause intact, it will make the other problem worse.

There is a difference between post 1 and today. 5 weeks ago, you had to make the massive decision of quitting the drink. You had to go through day zero, and day 1. Today, there is nothing to be cone. Keep floating in the galaxy for a little while. Don't lose contact with the ship though or it will end badly.

I have read in several places that it is normal for PAWs to hit around day 40+. I have also read that day 100 is a total turn. Not sure if it is true (day 65 here) but I am really curious.

Stay strong.

Houstin

Hello Sir,

I sat and traced the problem back to 3 years old, I never spoke out yet about the 3 years before that!
Not many people in real life know me, I keep very very distanced from everyone, though I speak and am not rude or odd. I have seen mental health people since I was 18. I saw them up until I was 40.

The very very few people that do know me say I'm autistic, I don't know what autism is but the little research I have done is they have fantastic memories but lack in conversational skills, they can memorise numbers and create things that baffle a lot of people that do not have autism. I worked for a few years for a famous actor, his son was autistic and it was his father who first noticed I carried the traits as I could understand his son completely where nobody else could, he could not speak at all, but he spoke in actions by mimicking the trees or wind, it's a language I can not sum up in English I'm afraid.


I do carry a lot of the traits with the likes of gifts, humour is one of them I guess but it is not something that comes naturally to me. It just flows like everything else I do in my life, like building for example. I build houses on my own and do all of the trades, I have a saying 'the difficult I will do immediately, the impossible will take me a little longer'


In everybody's life there is a first time of opening the eyes. That is the earliest I can get back to. If you are unsure when this is Google will tell you.


I remember my first words 'buddy gooda' and I remember my first steps. I remember everything and so that must be autism I guess.

The years before 3 years old was good, and they was good because I could not speak, I could not question anything, When my father started telling me about God I started asking questions, the same questions I asked about Santa Clause and the tooth fairy, (parents teaching kids to sell bodyparts for money right) He did not like questions and the violence started as I spoke about earlier in this thread.


I don't feel depressed, I don't feel sad, worn out or low. I just feel like I don't want to be around anymore, I guess that sounds depressing in itself but the only time I feel totally comfortable is when I am out amongst nature and nobody else around but animals, plants and the weather. That all makes perfect sense to me but living in that environment is illegal in the Uk. Mad old world isn't it!

Dee74

I used to think depression was just feeling sad too but I've learned it can be a lot more than that, That feeling of joylessness, of feeling apart from everything and everyone, that feeling of not exactly suicidal but not caring if I lived or died - that, for me, was depression.

I had it a long time too - from a child perhaps, certainly from my teens. (for the record my first word was apparently more..ironic or what? )

For many years I thought everyone thought that way, then I thought maybe everyone with my problems or my intelligence or my sensitivity felt that way.

Turns out. if we choose, there are things we can do about it

Still hoping you feel better tomorrow - early recovery is quite the emotional roller coaster.

D

BackandScared

So perhaps you are not depressed. Perhaps you are having a bad day. Or perhaps you are in the spectrum of autism. And perhaps you can reach out to someone to help you find out. I would start with the GP... see how it goes. It may not go well. When you don't fit in the box is not that always straight forward to find someone who gets it (or who gets it in the 10 minutes available with a GP).

Perhaps opening up with the first person will be the first step for others. It may make it easier. You seem very able to test other possibilities. This thread demonstrates it.

Houstin

Again thankyou for all the replies. I sit and read them then play them over and over again sometimes. There is an amazing support system in place here and many incredible people with so much understanding that I honestly feel quite humbled!

Today is a better day, it's not exactly easy speaking out about all of these things but in a funny sort of way it is helping, kind of figure out it's the reason today is better.

abgator

I felt this way, particularly in regards to my drinking, the last few years. When a Dr. asked me if I was suicidal, the answer was always no. No, I don't WANT to die. But if I happened to, I didn't really care. I had no feelings on it one way or the other. It absolutely is a form of depression, for which there are many, obviously.

Just like with many non-alcoholics, those who've never experienced depression often don't understand. That only makes it more difficult to handle when a friend or family member says, "then just stop" or "you're just sad." It's a frustrating thing.

August252015

It took me awhile and a really good psych to assess that my main mental health issue in sobriety is anxiety. I take meds for it (a benzo, as needed and well supervised) as well as "maintenance" meds for bi polar, which seemed to be a primary diagnosis on and off since my 20s (I'm 43). I had to get and stay sober to unravel all this.

Glad you feel better today.

abgator

I thought anxiety was my primary reason for drinking, though I had many excuses such as physical pain from a car accident. Then I finally discovered the first time I got sober that my almost all of my anxiety went away after 3 or 4 weeks. My cause was my effect, my effect was my cause. Oh the irony.