Hope1989

Hello everyone.

Without further due, I drank again. I would not call this a relapse because I have never been truly sober for more than a month or two, and/or work any program whatsoever.

I will not bore you guys with the same rhetoric I always do, as most of you are probably familiar with the anxiety, depression, and self loath which I currently am.

Yesterday, while I was lying in my bed after a terrible binge in Friday (same old consequences as always), I started to reflect in how I always tell people that I know that I am an alcoholic, and have known since I was very young. This is true. I admit it.

However, I also start thinking that I was dead wrong in something: I have not accepted it. If I had accepted it, I would have stuck into a program, get into therapy and all the other tools I could have at my disposal.

The real question is how do I get to accept it myself? I mean, I know I have it but I need inside me to understand and accept that I have a problem.

I am running of patience, strength and quite frankly people. I think even people in AA or even here do not believe in me anymore. It is quite heartbreaking, to be honest. I am so lucky my family is behind me, they will support me until death, but this is clearly not the idea.

Today, I wanted to go to an AA meeting, which God knows I need it, and they scheduled a work meeting a 19:00. And I can't really say no, because my job is one of the few things that I got left.

Anyway, I was sort of scared of posting (As going to work and AA), because I know that I will be judged. And I understand, is not people being bad, is just the nature of us human beings,

I wish you all a wonderful Tuesday,

Hope

C0ntr0ls

The real question is how do I get to accept it myself?

I think it comes to when you're just flat out sick and tired of being sick and tired and you want to not drink more then you want to.

Good luck and one day at a time.

doggonecarl

It is fine if you can admit if you are an alcoholic. And accepting you are an alcoholic is fine too. What is crucial to sobriety is accepting that you can NEVER DRINK AGAIN.

SoberRican

I call it surrender. You know your sick. And no doctor can fix you. You have to fix you. They just monitor you. Give you suggestions . but its you that has to pull the trigger and dive into it . pray about it. He wont let you down. He saved me and I am now 80 days. In . and it was a power greater than me that saved me. Keep coming back

entropy1964

I used to ponder these concepts a lot. I mean, a lot. Because I was looking for some method, some pill, some 'thing' to make me feel a certain way. To make me able to not pick up a drink.

While concepts are interesting. And acceptance is important. Not drinking, no matter what, and not changing my mind is actually a concept and an action in one.

No matter what is happening, no matter what you are feeling, booze isn't an option. Period. Do that enough and acceptance will come. Some have ahah moments, most don't. Your absolute do or die bottom line is not drinking. Doesn't matter if you are completely miserable. You can be completely miserable and not drink. Seriously. Ponder that.

Not drinking is the start. All the concepts make sense over time. And you'll realize that a lot of the intellectualizing just kept you tethered to your addiction.

brighterday1234

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Hope, glad you decided to post. I am also of the mindset that the term you use really doesn't matter. I played the semantics shell game for a long time trying to figure it all out, but in the end it was purely a choice. I had to choose being sober as my #1 priority over everything else in my life. And once I did that I had to do the hard work, every single day, of making sure that I followed through on that. It was not easy and it took a long time, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that it was worth it.

kk1k5x

For me, the difference seemed to come from starting to look for ways Not to pick up a drink rather than trying to stay away from it long enough to 'be able to again, just one'. That thinking just had to go, because as long as it was still there, from my experience, there's very little hope of sustaining any endeavour.

But others have already echoed this. Thinking is only part of it all and it's probably not even the biggest part. That's reserved for action. It's similar to how you can trick your brain into 'thinking' that you're happy if you stand in front of a mirror and smile (even though you've had the worst day at work etc). That smiling part is the key, it's action. I've never become happy from having a really deep internal discussion about the meaning of 'happy', its difference from contentment etc. That's kind of like that accepting and admitting part, because any admitting or acceptance only has relevance if the next thing is 'so what can I do about this?'.
Everything needs to be backed up by action. Since I'm only 2+ months sober, I'm not going to pretend I have a lot of answers, but so far, action has worked, thinking has had minimal real effect (except for using mental tools to stay away from booze, but even that requires the actual 'staying away' part, rather than what I think or don't think about how great a beer would be etc.)

I hope I made some sense I wish you strength!

doggonecarl

You made a lot of sense!

Callas

In my opinion you have to accept a lot more than just being an alcoholic. For me the most important thing was accepting how difficult it is going to be. It is difficult. I am now in month 5 and it is still difficult. I accept it will always be like that. No matter how hard, it is better than withdrawal, guilt, shame and waste.

August252015

To me, the short difference is that admitting is something I say and accepting is something I act on.

tealily

Hi Hope,

I haven't been around in a while, but your post resonated with me.
I completely understand where you are. I was there too.
You have had some excellent replies already. This community gets it.

I tried all that "talking" to myself. Vowing. Making lists. Promising myself. You can "admit" and "accept" and "vow" and "promise" all you want. But the ONLY thing that works is just -- "just" is a big word, but simple at the same time -- just DO NOT pick up and put anything to your mouth. Do not allow alcohol in your mouth.
Repeat, Repeat. Repeat.
You don't need to do or believe anything else.
The more times you do it, it builds. You get stronger and it DOES get easier.
You -- and I -- could talk to ourselves till we are blue in the face, but JUST do not pour that liquid down your throat.
You will miss it, crave it, feel sorry for yourself, find excuses, say you need it for anxiety ... but just keep keeping on NOT DRINKING.

You CAN get to the other side. It IS in your power. And then you realize you had that power all along.

I'm two plus years alcohol free now. My anxiety and depression has eased tremendously. Looking back, I was medicating myself with alcohol (to disastrous results). Drinking makes anxiety worse, not better.

Hang in there.

We are here for you!

SoberCAH

For me, I accepted my alcoholism when I finally admitted to myself that the jig was up.

I was done.

I was vanquished and left for dead.

All I could do was to pray for help and reach out for it.

I took it and have done what they told me to do for a pretty good while, now.

My life has improved dramatically in all aspects.

All of which is rather ironic, because I had admitted that I was an alcoholic for quite a few years.

I thought, if I'm not an alcoholic, I'd hate to see what you have to do to be one.

But I was in denial about the consequences of my chronic alcoholism.

Only when I accepted the fact that my continued drinking was going to cost me all I had left (my career) did i ask God for help and reach out and take it.

MindfulMan

I'm more of the AVRT model than the 12 Step model. Waking up in inpatient rehab made it crystal clear to me that there were extreme negative consequences to my sedative hypnotic addiction (including alcohol).

I accepted that. I couldn't do the whole accepting and giving myself to the higher power thing. Just not in my nature.

I DO have power over alcohol in one specific way. I can say no to any alcohol (or benzo) consumption for the rest of my life. I don't want to end up back in rehab, and that's the only way to avoid it. My track record over my life is pretty poor when it comes to "normal" or "controlled" drinking. So I've accepted that I'm probably a hopeless sedative/hypnotic alcoholic and I can never have any of those substances again. Ever. Under any circumstances. I've done a lot of psychotherapy to manage anxiety instead of medication, which is part of my journey. I say "probably" because nothing is 100%, and maybe I COULD drink again "normally." But I have no desire to do so even if I could. It's simply not worth the risk for a SLIGHT chance that I could have a glass of champagne occasionally. Drinking ain't all that.

I think I've replaced my addiction to alcohol and sedatives with an addiction to clear-headedness and being present at every moment in my life. I have no desire to have that silly fuzzy dizzy feeling ever again.

Surrender takes many forms.

tomsteve

i admitted and accepted i was an alcoholic many years before i stopped drinking.
one of the great things about the 1st step of AA is that it isnt about admitting i was an alcoholic. just admitting i was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanagable.
for me to get that step, i had to fully surrender- i admitted and accepted alcohol kicked my ass. then wanted(not needed) to do something about it- i wanted help and was willing to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.
then i was able to work the steps.

why do you have to accept youre an alcoholic, Hope?

MLD51

I admitted to MYSELF that I was an alcoholic a long time before I ever said the words out loud. It was when there was more than enough evidence that was clear to the rest of the world that I had a serious problem, and when life had become very nearly unbearable, that I was willing to say out loud that I am an alcoholic, and that I needed help. I think for me, the acceptance part came when I asked for help and actually started taking action. Up until then, I could admit it, but not fully accept that I'd never be able to drink again if I wanted to reclaim my life. There was always a little voice in the back of my mind telling me I could somehow get it under control. I had to accept that my life was truly unmanageable with alcohol in it, and accept that the only way to fix it was to quit, once and for all.

August252015

Here is an illustration that hit home with me recently:

My husband and I have started going to FA (Families Anon) because of my step son. Who is 21 in a few weeks. He's "declined" to deal with major depression for the past yr, after a suicide attempt, his parents (and basically temporary psych) and I supported him in an IOP (Mom wouldn't accept mental illness is real and such even tho she is in recovery) that he played at...subsequently blew off a psych and didn't take the meds his mom filled every month...

Then added pot and pills to the mix. And lost yet another job, which was actually a good one.

Fast forward from June 30, when we learned of that trifecta and his mom and dad agreed he had 30 days to move out of her house (where he's lived for 2.5 yrs since his first time play acting at college) to two days ago. He's now in a living/treatment/young adult program...and my bet is he's still playing at his one chance to get well (paid for by us, thru his college plan and taking the tax hit, at least).

Here's why:

Accept
Comply
Surrender

The FA leader put this on the chalkboard. It really struck me as the perfect way to describe our "thoughts" and "considerations" and so on about what we are, and need to do....

You can say you accept [alcoholism] to anyone and it means nothing - just a word- until you act.
You can comply [ with others, to go to a program, etc] but only you know where you are on that acceptance part - and your willingness to act.

You surrender when you admit and own that you can't [quit, do it on your own, deny, run away from, etc] and you find a way to [get sober, treat your mental illness, etc]. And you need to keep "surrendering" as you act upon acceptance and don't skirt back to compliance.

I'm distancing myself from my step son right now, because I need support - and I can't do this for him but COULD make myself nuttier than I already am if I get (more) enmeshed in the disaster that is his life right now. Or in fear or ...

Now I'm drifting back into AlAnon and FA territory tho ...

WeThinkNot

I knew I was an alcoholic when I first started my daily drinking. There was absolutely no illusion in my mind as to what my situation was.

I didn't "accept" that I was an alcoholic because it didn't bother me back then. Back then I could still enjoy a buzz. I was still young enough that I could bounce back from hangovers. I still received a pass from society because twentysomethings are still sowing their wild oats before they settle down. It was still fun for me.

Then the years go by and little by little it's not as glamorous as it used to be. Friends are moving on with their lives and I'm still spinning my wheels. Now instead of being young and carefree people mutter under their breaths, "I think he might have a problem." My body's threshold for abuse was decreasing while my tolerance was increasing.

Fast forward a bit more and now there is a failed marriage, career stagnation, massive debt, and overall hopelessness. I'm getting older and finally coming to grips with the fact that life is fleeting and I've been flushing my life down the toilet for years. The liquor that was supposed to make all these bad thoughts and feelings go away...it doesn't even give me a buzz anymore but it sure delays those withdrawals.

"Accepting" alcoholism in my opinion is just a way of saying that you want to be sober more than you want to drink and you will do whatever it takes to get there. I finally took action myself when my life got bad enough that sobriety was the more attractive option.

DriGuy

First of all, the difference between accepting and admitting is an interesting problem, but I think I understand that what you are saying is that you have never fully accepted (or admitted) to your alcoholism. The difference is one of those situations where you know something, and then one day, you have a insight or moment of clarity where you really know it. I've had many of these, and they can sometimes be profound. From what you describe, I'm guessing you are having one of those insights right now.

What you are saying is that you never really quit, as in "quit for good." It's like the difference between admitting and accepting. You haven't quit yet, so of course you aren't getting better.

Not accepting their alcoholism is every alcoholic's dream before finally getting around to fixing the problem. The desire to not be an alcoholic is so strong that the wavering alcoholic wants to think he can stop being an alcoholic. This defies all the accumulated wisdom we have about alcoholism, because not being an alcoholic any longer is not possible. The best we can hope for is to quit drinking. The first step in recovery (in or out of AA) is accepting/admitting that we suffer from an incurable dysfunction, and we will never be destined to drink our way to normalcy.

We would like to think there is a better way than quitting, but there is not. There is, however, a silver lining here. A life without alcohol can be filled with more happiness than you can imagine at this point.

boreas

Hope,
I continued to drink for years while I pondered the reasons to quit, the definition of alcoholism, and the horror stories of others. I came to realize I did not need to solve any of these mysteries in order to stop. I was miserable, and it was a gift to realize that all I needed to do was not drink and I could start to heal.

For me, that very simple commitment, don’t drink, is all it took in the beginning. The rest followed in time, and sobriety has its own momentum and rewards.

Best wishes,
-bora