Day 15 - Introducing myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
Day 15 - Introducing myself
Usual story. Abusing alcohol and hiding it. Contrary to other usual stories, when I finally 'confessed' to my husband 2 weeks ago, he had no idea. Despite my hidden 1 bottle + of wine a night. Despite all the pretending to remember nights/movies/conversations I totally forgot about.
Never missed a day of work, never done anything drunk to be publicly ashamed of. I am a mellow drunk (I am a very 'agitated' person otherwise). I fall asleep/pass out. I don't say or do stupid things.
About 20 years of abusing alcohol, or shall I say, abusing myself with alcohol. Stopped a few days several times (not that many, except for 2 pregnancies and breastfeeding). The fact that I could stop for longer than a year on those occasions well over a decade ago, has kept me going in the belief I could do it easily.
But slowly I have become physically dependent on alcohol. The temptation to drink in the morning to alleviate the anxiety, the spike of high blood pressure, etc. have been there for months.
I had a high blood pressure of 160/100 and a heart beat of over 100 on days 1 to 3. Went to my GP who was really not very nice. She limited herself to ask me why would I do this and referred me to a Council service for alcohol. Never assessed my intake or check if I was a risk to myself or my children. I think she was disgusted. Refused to even record my BP or anything else because it is 'normal' for alcoholics.
Went to that service the day after expecting some help with the withdrawal symptoms because I was properly scared. It was a support group with no medical staff. A full hour of 'assessment', i.e., filling a form giving all my details. When I expressed my fears they just clarified it was not a medical service and needed to go to my GP. Have not heard since. I have a job, a house and a family. No criminal record, etc. I guess they need to use limited resources elsewhere.
Somehow I survived the first 3 days and started feeling better on the 4th. I feel much better now. I am really relieved I told my husband and the secret is out. But also feeling very lonely so decided to post here.
Thanks for reading.
Never missed a day of work, never done anything drunk to be publicly ashamed of. I am a mellow drunk (I am a very 'agitated' person otherwise). I fall asleep/pass out. I don't say or do stupid things.
About 20 years of abusing alcohol, or shall I say, abusing myself with alcohol. Stopped a few days several times (not that many, except for 2 pregnancies and breastfeeding). The fact that I could stop for longer than a year on those occasions well over a decade ago, has kept me going in the belief I could do it easily.
But slowly I have become physically dependent on alcohol. The temptation to drink in the morning to alleviate the anxiety, the spike of high blood pressure, etc. have been there for months.
I had a high blood pressure of 160/100 and a heart beat of over 100 on days 1 to 3. Went to my GP who was really not very nice. She limited herself to ask me why would I do this and referred me to a Council service for alcohol. Never assessed my intake or check if I was a risk to myself or my children. I think she was disgusted. Refused to even record my BP or anything else because it is 'normal' for alcoholics.
Went to that service the day after expecting some help with the withdrawal symptoms because I was properly scared. It was a support group with no medical staff. A full hour of 'assessment', i.e., filling a form giving all my details. When I expressed my fears they just clarified it was not a medical service and needed to go to my GP. Have not heard since. I have a job, a house and a family. No criminal record, etc. I guess they need to use limited resources elsewhere.
Somehow I survived the first 3 days and started feeling better on the 4th. I feel much better now. I am really relieved I told my husband and the secret is out. But also feeling very lonely so decided to post here.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Well, that's a great start you've made having to do it all by yourself. You should be proud. And congratulations on fifteen days that is also awesome.
You've found a group of people here who understand. I certainly do.
I was drunk for thirty years. Never got arrested. Never lost a job, in fact found a trade I excelled in. I was too drunk to ever get married, though. Had plenty of girlfriends who loved to drink as much as me, though.
There is no stereotypical drunk, I guess. Except when I hear our stories, then the similarities emerge. The abuse of alcohol is so predictable. I've learned this.
Anyway, I ramble.
Welcome to the site and stick around. We need you.
You've found a group of people here who understand. I certainly do.
I was drunk for thirty years. Never got arrested. Never lost a job, in fact found a trade I excelled in. I was too drunk to ever get married, though. Had plenty of girlfriends who loved to drink as much as me, though.
There is no stereotypical drunk, I guess. Except when I hear our stories, then the similarities emerge. The abuse of alcohol is so predictable. I've learned this.
Anyway, I ramble.
Welcome to the site and stick around. We need you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
Hey B and S
Welcome. I was the same as you. I always managed to do what was expected of me but I was in deep when it came to my drinking. The problem is alcohol changes your normal so that when you stop that becomes foreign and very uncomfortable. It takes serious commitment to stop completely and time for your brain to heal.
My GP was also a real jerk. Very cold and inpatient like your doctor, acted like I was wasting his time. For that reason I avoided help from professionals during my attempts to get sober because I felt bad enough about my behavior and didn't need someone making it worse.
It really is possible to be completely sober and happy. Stay close to the site and post often. You can do it!
Welcome. I was the same as you. I always managed to do what was expected of me but I was in deep when it came to my drinking. The problem is alcohol changes your normal so that when you stop that becomes foreign and very uncomfortable. It takes serious commitment to stop completely and time for your brain to heal.
My GP was also a real jerk. Very cold and inpatient like your doctor, acted like I was wasting his time. For that reason I avoided help from professionals during my attempts to get sober because I felt bad enough about my behavior and didn't need someone making it worse.
It really is possible to be completely sober and happy. Stay close to the site and post often. You can do it!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family! 
Congrats on 15 days sober! 
I'm sorry your doctor was so unhelpful. 
But you've gotten thru the hard part, the physical withdrawal, and it should start getting better now.
I got sober almost 10 yrs ago and never once have I woken up and wished I had drank the night before.
Congrats on 15 days sober! I'm sorry your doctor was so unhelpful. 
But you've gotten thru the hard part, the physical withdrawal, and it should start getting better now.I got sober almost 10 yrs ago and never once have I woken up and wished I had drank the night before.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
Thanks for the warm welcome. I do feel much better and so far I have no real cravings in the sense of knowing I can't go back to the horrible experience of the first few days. I hope I never forget it because it is clearly keeping me on track.
I also know that no matter how much I have written down how I felt (mainly after day 3; typing itself was difficult) the memory will fade away. Since I have not found support when reaching out, I must reach out elsewhere to find many other good reasons to keep up the hangover free mornings and start enjoying an alcohol free life. Really happy to have this place to read and write.
I also know that no matter how much I have written down how I felt (mainly after day 3; typing itself was difficult) the memory will fade away. Since I have not found support when reaching out, I must reach out elsewhere to find many other good reasons to keep up the hangover free mornings and start enjoying an alcohol free life. Really happy to have this place to read and write.
SR really is a great place for support and ideas. Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Welcome!
It's sad that doctors often fail us and are uneducated in addiction. I'm glad you got through it and that you're feeling better. I think it's normal to feel lonely in the early days, I know I did. This is a great community and you will find lots of support.
It's sad that doctors often fail us and are uneducated in addiction. I'm glad you got through it and that you're feeling better. I think it's normal to feel lonely in the early days, I know I did. This is a great community and you will find lots of support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Someone on this site said something like "I might have another bender in me, but I know I don't have another recovery in me". A couple bouts with withdrawals can provide a good deterrent. Welcome to SR and congrats on your 15 days.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,914
Glad you are here and will definitely find support from people who understand. I like you was drinking easily a bottle a night (probably closer to 1.5-2...I was always very careful to drink from a combination of boxed wine and bottles so I never really knew). I never missed a day of work, no one who lives with me or hung out with me or knew me well thought I needed to stop — and I drank out in the open. But just because I was holding it together (when I think of this I imagine one of those cartoon scenes where something keeps springing a leak and you tape one place and then another pops up and meanwhile the whole thing is getting more and more unstable) didn’t mean I didn’t really need a change. Sounds like you are in the same place — and very wise to write down how you feel about where you are now and to join the July class. Have to echo Anna and others that I’m so sorry the medical community let you down. But very glad you kept going.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
Thank you Numblady. The cartoon simile is very good.
The fact I still have a family, a job and a roof over my head, made me particularly angry with the luck of support. I have some network, a lot of luck and a husband who was surprised, hurt by the deception but supportive. I cannot even imagine how it would have gone if I didn't have all this. Deciding to quit, going through the shame of telling everything: first to a nurse, then to the doctor, then to some kind of social worker... for nothing. I was feeling really bad with crazy high blood pressure and heart beat out of control. The first instinct was to go back to the bottle. The only reason I didn't was my total readiness to die rather than touching alcohol, once I had told my husband. It is very sad this can happen to persons who are in a very dark place, reaching out.
Your lies to yourself (combining bottles from different places so you don't know how much you are drinking) also resonates with me. I have always recycled my bottles of wine at full speed. When I went over my usual intake I would mix all kind of bottles and alcohol to make sure I had no clue
Once I am better I might make a formal complaint in case it helps others. I need all my energy to stay sober now.
The fact I still have a family, a job and a roof over my head, made me particularly angry with the luck of support. I have some network, a lot of luck and a husband who was surprised, hurt by the deception but supportive. I cannot even imagine how it would have gone if I didn't have all this. Deciding to quit, going through the shame of telling everything: first to a nurse, then to the doctor, then to some kind of social worker... for nothing. I was feeling really bad with crazy high blood pressure and heart beat out of control. The first instinct was to go back to the bottle. The only reason I didn't was my total readiness to die rather than touching alcohol, once I had told my husband. It is very sad this can happen to persons who are in a very dark place, reaching out.
Your lies to yourself (combining bottles from different places so you don't know how much you are drinking) also resonates with me. I have always recycled my bottles of wine at full speed. When I went over my usual intake I would mix all kind of bottles and alcohol to make sure I had no clue
Once I am better I might make a formal complaint in case it helps others. I need all my energy to stay sober now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 598
In fairness to the much maligned medical profession I want to share my experience. My GP was extremely understanding, completely un-judgemental and gave me a months prescription for some drugs to assist with the withdrawal. That saved me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
I know most doctors are wonderful and focus on your health, not their conscience. I was unlucky but also very lucky since I went through the first days and I am extremely happy to be in this new sobriety place.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 652
Wow, BackandScared - that is amazing that you are here and posting sober despite the poor response you got when you reached out for help. Sounds to me like your username could be BackandKickingTheArseOuttaThis.
Great to have you on board and thanks for being my inspiration today.
Great to have you on board and thanks for being my inspiration today.
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