Struggling
 

Hi,
I'm on day 11 and yesterday was really tough. My Nan is dying and we were told now was our chance to say our goodbyes. I spent the day with her yesterday and my family. Last night I dreamt about drinking all night. I woke up today and all I can think about is drinking. I want to drive to the beach and just drink on my own. I've told a couple of people who know I struggle with the drink and they've been supportive. I would say my mind was made up at least 90% at one point this morning but right now I'm feeling like maybe I can work through it. I know all the reasons I shouldn't drink I honestly do. I'd say right now I'm at about 50/50 on whether I'm going to drink today. I have 2 funerals in the next month and both are going to be horrible. I still haven't got myself a new job. I feel alone. Alcohol will make it all worse I know but I know it will give me temporary relief from all this stress and pain. Obviously that won't help long term. I guess I just need to get through today if I can and hope tomorrow brings me some more strength.

I had to realize that my addiction will use anything, even another persons suffering, as a reason to drink. I mean, really break that down. That is totally insane. And totally selfish. Why should someone else's pain, death, sickness or loss be a reason for me to be completely childish? I had to face that this was a ME issue. And I was using their problems as a reason to be irresponsible.

I very much empathize with how you are feeling. I'm here with my 84 and 88 year old parents. Both with severe dementia. It is heart breaking. I feel so powerless, because I am. I won't/can't even begin to describe what's going on here.

Old people die. Its really hard. Hell young people die. I lost my husband when he was 58...and yeah I drank over it. What an idiot I am. No it didn't help. And yes it was incredibly selfish.

Find new coping mechanisms. Learn that you can sit with bad feelings. They are feelings, not charging elephants. Although they can feel that way at times. You can get through this if you choose to.

Sorry for what you arw going thru. Has to suck. Makes You think why did I decide to stop drinking now. But You know everything happens for a reason. Think about it you think ypur loved ones would want you to be sick. Feel me . be the strong one you can do this. Promise You .you would be proud of yourself as well as the fam. Unfortunately we alcys dont have a stop button feel me least I don't. Just play the tape.

You've done 11days why throw all your hard work away now, if you drink it will only bring misery, you'll wake with a hangover, feeling anxious,you'll beat yourself up. Is it really worth it ? push through today, that's all you have to do my friend. Take a day at a time, keep posting,we are all in the same boat or once were. Dig deep an find your fire to beat it today. Keep going , much love Doris x

Thanks everyone. I'm fighting through it. I've got through the morning which was the hardest part. I'm not going to drink because I will feel pathetic if I do and that isn't going to help my overall situation.

Hang on to your quit. i relate to what you are going thru. I am on Day 1 after throwing away 26 days.

I think we need to find new coping mechanisms other than drinking and other than "running away" from uncomfortable confrontations.

Continuous clean time is certainly important but I found for myself that if I do not develop more mature and effective coping skills that I will end up crawling back to the bottle.

The good news is that there are alot of books written on this topic and there are effective solutions in CBT and in psychological therapy.

Heyyyy how you doing bodhi 😊 hope your ok x

Thank you. I'm in bed at 9pm playing guitar. I'm thinking about everyone's solid advice and trying to work out how I can make this work for life. I know I just have to focus on one day at a time and that's really the only way I got through today. Maybe tomorrow will be easier. I hope everyone is having a good Saturday night.

Bodhi, that IS the way to do it, one day at a time. This is a tough day, but you have gotten through it. Tomorrow will be easier.

BODHI! I am so....so....impressed by you....posting when you were struggling..I really didn't think you were going to make it thru...you did it and I am amazed...I was never strong enough to fight those cravings and always, always regretted it when I drank.

Honestly, that first few drinks DOES help us numb...but that lasts for about an hour and then there is a WHOLE BUNCH OF UGLY CRAP THAT FOLLOWS....

Like...needing more, not sleeping well, or passing out in my clothes, waking up in the middle of the night feeling like a failure and more alone than ever, then waking up in the morning when the sun is out...seeing all the beer cans or vodka bottles shimmering in my room reminding me of what a "drunk" I am....not being able to go get the clothes for that funeral....looking in the mirror and realizing I look like crap....and more stuff...all of THAT for a very short relief from the world.

Its much more fullfilling to get thru times like you are going thru...being strong...being there to help others (really being there)....dressing up and showing up....being fresh and clean....respecting yourself and your body....

You are going to wake up feeling good and proud and strong....you will I assure you...and its a much better feeling than you would have had if you DRANK.

God bless. Im so sorry about your Nan...

Bodhi, I sorry to learn about your Nan. You have a lot of hard stuff to contend with there. My mother died when I was in active addiction and it is one of the deepest regrets/biggest sadness of my life that I wasn't sober for this. If I could turn back the clock and do it sober I absolutely would. Staying sober is one of the biggest kindness that you can give yourself right now. But it sounds like you have got this, you are handling it so well. Thinking of you.

I'm sorry for your news about your Nan Bodhi but please treasure this time you have with her - be 'present' for all of it

you'll look back and be so glad you stayed sober throughout :)

D

Thanks again everyone. Today feels a little easier in terms of the drink cravings but I feel a bit empty. I'm trying to be more productive today at least. Really kind words from everyone and I appreciate them all.

I'm clean for a good long time but I craved this morning around 5 am.

Why?

Because everything is going amazingly well. My life is about as normal and ideal as I can hope for. I want what I have.

So my av, who will be with me for the rest of my life and beyond, says...go for it. Have your cake and eat it too. You can get away with one or 10 little slips. A few snorts of high quality top shelf tequila will clear you out. Go for it. Nobody cares and nobody can stop you.

I have to fall back on my foundation sober training. Everything Sr taught me. Then the crave is gone.

I know it will return and I am ready. In the mean time, life is amazing.

Thanks.