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To move or not to move?

Old 07-09-2019, 12:31 PM
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Red face To move or not to move?

Hi everyone! This is my second post to this website. I am trying to stay strong as my bf is on his 6th week of rehab out of 9 months. I just returned out of state last night after being there for a week with my family. It is so beautiful out there, peaceful & country. Before my bf went to rehab, I had expressed my desire for us to move down there. At first he was all for it, however he mentioned the need to stay at his job for a few more years. In the last letter he wrote me (at rehab) he said that he's still deciding whether or not he'll be going back to this job when he gets out. In my letter to him that I will be sending today, I mentioned to him about moving down there again in regard to his unsure factor about his job. I feel as though moving away from this area would benefit us and a fresh start all the way around. I understand moving is not a cure-all. However, I do believe that it would help to be away from the temptation up here & negative influences, and old routines. I'm afraid however, that he may not want to move. Even if the addiction were not a factor, I still want us to move & start a family down there. However, I'm not going to just leave without him. Any thoughts?
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Old 07-09-2019, 01:26 PM
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That is a big step. Feel me . how stable is he in his recovery? Cuz if I'm not mistaken a big decision like that could be a trigger?
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Old 07-09-2019, 01:30 PM
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I would wait till he gets home and then some to decide. Or even think about.
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Old 07-09-2019, 01:31 PM
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I think you should let him be. Rehab etc is such a big step and maybe he wants the stability and security of his old job when he gets out. Moving away I agree could be a massive trigger.

Sounds like maybe you are more into the move than he is? If it's right for you then go for it. You don't say how long you've been together or if you live together now or not but prob just best to let him be,
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Old 07-09-2019, 01:36 PM
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I do believe that it would help to be away from the temptation up here & negative influences, and old routines.

do you also have an addiction problem? or are you trying to manage HIS?

if you very much want to move but he does not and you choose to NOT GO for him, you are setting yourself up for resentment. he is in a very fragile state right now and shouldn't be thinking too long term. in fact he seems to be trying to keep it simple. he has a long ways to go and it will be HIS bus to drive.

if the beauty and the peace of the place called to YOU - answer it. go or don't, but don't make YOUR life decisions on what you think might be best for someone else.
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Old 07-09-2019, 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
I do believe that it would help to be away from the temptation up here & negative influences, and old routines.

do you also have an addiction problem? or are you trying to manage HIS?

if you very much want to move but he does not and you choose to NOT GO for him, you are setting yourself up for resentment. he is in a very fragile state right now and shouldn't be thinking too long term. in fact he seems to be trying to keep it simple. he has a long ways to go and it will be HIS bus to drive.

if the beauty and the peace of the place called to YOU - answer it. go or don't, but don't make YOUR life decisions on what you think might be best for someone else.
This. Perfect.
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Old 07-09-2019, 07:52 PM
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Hmmm

I attend my Al-Anon meetings each week and have already mentioned that I want to move out-of-state where my aunt and uncle live. Everyone in the group was supportive and let me know that they believe that would be a great idea to get out of this bad area where there are negative influences that will continue to try and bring him down. These same people have been trying to get ahold of him while he has been in rehab to hang out not knowing he's there. I totally get that it's not a cure-all and that he needs to focus number one on his recovery right now. However I do not see the harm in lightly mentioning my desire to move down there eventually and I would like him with if it's God's will. I told him that in the letter that I know the right thing will work out & no pressure, just my thoughts. My fellow group members and Al-Anon said they believed it would be conducive to his recovery as opposed to coming back to the same negative area with constant temptation from his peers that he used to spend time with frequently before rehab. This is my first time mentioning it in a few months. I am his girlfriend and I'm completely open and honest with him.
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Old 07-10-2019, 07:09 AM
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Itis,
It doesn’t surprise me that you are receiving advice here that contradicts the opinions of some of the Al-anon folks. Having been on both sides of the fence, I agree with the opinions expressed here. You are likely to hear the same from people in recovery, as we know that change must come from within and a “geographic” solution usually doesn’t promote recovery and can actually make things more difficult.

Quitting regular use of any substance is a major life change. Generally speaking, other changes are best postponed. In addition, no matter where they land, an addict who wishes to continue using will find a way. Accepting that there is little a loved one can do to help is one of the great challenges those in Al-anon struggle to accept. The desire to help those you love recover is universal, and it takes careful thought to make sure that those actions are actually helpful.

You obviously care about your boyfriend and want to support him. Ultimately you will make your own choices...I just hope this helps explain why the advice you are hearing here, though different, comes from an equally supportive place.

As an aside, Anvil is spot on with the suggestion that you continue to evaluate what is in your own best interest for the future. All relationships are difficult, and including addiction in the mix makes them more so. We all must continually reevaluate our lives and decisions, as sometimes a change in course is needed.
Best wishes to you both,
-bora
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Old 07-10-2019, 07:51 AM
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Some people view a fresh start as a way to begin anew and it works wonderfully, but for others, the stability of what they already know seems to be important and the stress of moving and pressure to begin again is too much in early recovery.

Only he can decide what is right for him, and I agree with Anvil, if your heart is telling you to go, you should maybe listen or you may come to resent him and staying, especially if he relapses, which often happens. But he could also relapse in the new place--there is no way to know what is "best" for another person.

I hope you both find healing and happiness in whatever form it finally takes--
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Old 07-11-2019, 08:48 PM
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Thank you for your thoughts!

I absolutely agree that a change in geographic location will not solve anything. As you mentioned, he is the only one who can decide his choices. As I mentioned he and I talked months before he went to rehab about moving and he was all for it. I realize that his recovery is number one right now. I absolutely want to move but the relationship I have with him is more important. I don't feel that I would resent him because he has expressed the desire to move there eventually even if it's not right now when we talked about it a few months ago. We've been together a couple years and I've known each other since middle school. I realize there's a potential for relapse as he went to rehab once before and that happened. However I have a bright outlook on everything. The individuals in my Al-Anon meeting mentioned that it would be conducive to his recovery to move away from this bad area. I get that it seems like just uprooting would wreak havoc but in fact I think if we give it a little time as we have the next 8 months to think about it (his recovery being #1 of course) that it would in fact potentially be the opposite.
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Old 07-11-2019, 09:01 PM
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I'd wait for him to get back home and see how he is doing in his recovery
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Old 07-12-2019, 01:32 AM
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It seems as though you want to move and Al Alon are confirming this is a good thing but you are not listening to what he is saying. He does not want to move and he is not going to move. However nicely and gently is is saying it he IS saying it.

One thing I've learned on here is to listen to and believe people when people they say something no matter how much we don't want to hear or believe it.
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