Can it get worse?
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
If you haven't already, read some of the sober recovery stories in this section.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/stories-recovery/
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/stories-recovery/
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Thank you all again
My struggle with addiction began 33 years ago (I am 43 now). I have been highly functioning (which we all know is rather ******** because we’re progressing towards destruction the whole time we’re functioning) for 25 years. But at about 35 the wheels started to come off and in the last 3 I’ve arrived and end stage drinking. I’ll spare you the war stories but let’s just say they’re bad. Like most AA meetings I’m in I’m like, “What the frick are you doing here? If I drank like that I’d still be home drinking”. I say that tongue in cheek of course, the sooner you get in those doors and stay there the better!
I appreciate all the stories and the encouragement.
Some have asked what I’m doing to stay sober; I have the best sponsor I’ve ever had and we meet daily and go through the big book. I take disulfiram to keep me from drinking (but I’ve built up a tolerance to even that now so when I really want to drink, I can deal with the terrible side effects if need be). I pray, I eat well, I go to therapy, I can’t do many meetings now because I live on the outskirts of town and the courts have suggested I don’t drive for a year or two. But I do watch a speaker now and again on YouTube if directed by my sponsor. I’ve never tried so hard for something and kept failing. If I’m being honest though, I’ve been sober probably as many days as I’ve been drunk in 2019 which is great. But when I drink, holy $hit, stand by for destruction and mayhem.
To compound all of this I’m going through a breakup from a very toxic person (note: I am very toxic as well, see: the monster I turn into while drinking). I really loved her but knew she wasn’t the one based on...well, a lot of things. Primarily because she was a liar and a sex addicted cheater. But the pain is intense because my drinking has isolated everyone in my life and she was the last friend/lover/partner in crime/proverbial punching bag I had. So now I’m left alone with this monster.
I did read a great book over the last 48 hours. In it the author said that in Japanese the word crisis means danger and opportunity. As I have come to understand that all of the mayhem and damage and fear and crap that I’ve been through has arrived me at a place of great opportunity. And I try daily to seize it and become a better man. I just fail a lot. And there is tremendous pain in this struggle.
Sorry for the rambling and thanks again for the support.
4 days sober.
I appreciate all the stories and the encouragement.
Some have asked what I’m doing to stay sober; I have the best sponsor I’ve ever had and we meet daily and go through the big book. I take disulfiram to keep me from drinking (but I’ve built up a tolerance to even that now so when I really want to drink, I can deal with the terrible side effects if need be). I pray, I eat well, I go to therapy, I can’t do many meetings now because I live on the outskirts of town and the courts have suggested I don’t drive for a year or two. But I do watch a speaker now and again on YouTube if directed by my sponsor. I’ve never tried so hard for something and kept failing. If I’m being honest though, I’ve been sober probably as many days as I’ve been drunk in 2019 which is great. But when I drink, holy $hit, stand by for destruction and mayhem.
To compound all of this I’m going through a breakup from a very toxic person (note: I am very toxic as well, see: the monster I turn into while drinking). I really loved her but knew she wasn’t the one based on...well, a lot of things. Primarily because she was a liar and a sex addicted cheater. But the pain is intense because my drinking has isolated everyone in my life and she was the last friend/lover/partner in crime/proverbial punching bag I had. So now I’m left alone with this monster.
I did read a great book over the last 48 hours. In it the author said that in Japanese the word crisis means danger and opportunity. As I have come to understand that all of the mayhem and damage and fear and crap that I’ve been through has arrived me at a place of great opportunity. And I try daily to seize it and become a better man. I just fail a lot. And there is tremendous pain in this struggle.
Sorry for the rambling and thanks again for the support.
4 days sober.
Last edited by BeABetterMan; 07-09-2019 at 03:32 PM. Reason: Misspellings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Today was a better day, but I’m always afraid and in a state of panic because my addiction is so insidious. I know it can get better, which keeps the hope alive but f*%# this will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. And the most worth it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Day 6. I didn’t post last night because I was all depressed and even tried to drink, told my sponsor too, but my local store closes at 7:30, thanks God. Either way, made it through. Thanks to God.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Hey.
I am 46. I have been sober fso nearly 15 months. My first AA meeting was like, 13 years ago. Never went back. Then 6 years ago after my daughter was born I tried again, then 3 years ago. Couldn't make it stick. I guess I wasn't done drinking. 15 months ago I was totally broken, fearing death. I prayed so hard to God for help. I practically crawled back into AA. I completely surrendered. Alcohol had me BEAT. I said I would do whatever it took to beat this. I wanted to drink SO bad. When I did, I prayed to my HP, I ate candy, I got on the phone to another alkie, and I got my arse to a meeting. I joined a support group on here and posted daily. I screamed and shouted and raged and begged God "do not let me drink". No matter what happens, no matter how **** I feel, I do not pick up a drink as I know it will make things a million times worse. I too had a really tumultuous relationship. With my daughter's dad (my ex) In fact, I blamed him for my drinking. Because of me staying sober and me working the steps, because I have changed, our relationship today is actually ok. I lost a lot of friends due to my drinking. I have made new ones. Ones that support my decision to not drink and respect that. It is NEVER too late. Fight for your sobriety with everything you have got. Some days I still want to drink, maybe I always will. I am an alcoholic after all!! But I can deal with these thoughts now before they turn into an obsession. I am embracing my new way of life. I've said goodbye to the old one. I was walking home from an AA meeting last night and the bars and pubs and restaurants were buzzing with people out and drinking on a warm summer evening. A year ago I would have been in full self pity. Oh poor me, I cant do that anymore. Last night walking home I felt peace. Because that isnt me anymore. That isnt my life. And it wasnt like that at the end anyway. I would much rather be in a church hall with grateful, recovering alcoholics than out drinking because for me to drink into die. My life is not perfect but it is 1000x better than what it was 15 months ago. And the steps are changing me as a person. I was full of anger and self pity, resentful, selfish, frightened. That is all changing. As I work my programme on a daily basis and not pick up a drink one day at a time.
It is NEVER too late to quit drinking and get your life back. But dont waste anymore time. Do it now!
I am 46. I have been sober fso nearly 15 months. My first AA meeting was like, 13 years ago. Never went back. Then 6 years ago after my daughter was born I tried again, then 3 years ago. Couldn't make it stick. I guess I wasn't done drinking. 15 months ago I was totally broken, fearing death. I prayed so hard to God for help. I practically crawled back into AA. I completely surrendered. Alcohol had me BEAT. I said I would do whatever it took to beat this. I wanted to drink SO bad. When I did, I prayed to my HP, I ate candy, I got on the phone to another alkie, and I got my arse to a meeting. I joined a support group on here and posted daily. I screamed and shouted and raged and begged God "do not let me drink". No matter what happens, no matter how **** I feel, I do not pick up a drink as I know it will make things a million times worse. I too had a really tumultuous relationship. With my daughter's dad (my ex) In fact, I blamed him for my drinking. Because of me staying sober and me working the steps, because I have changed, our relationship today is actually ok. I lost a lot of friends due to my drinking. I have made new ones. Ones that support my decision to not drink and respect that. It is NEVER too late. Fight for your sobriety with everything you have got. Some days I still want to drink, maybe I always will. I am an alcoholic after all!! But I can deal with these thoughts now before they turn into an obsession. I am embracing my new way of life. I've said goodbye to the old one. I was walking home from an AA meeting last night and the bars and pubs and restaurants were buzzing with people out and drinking on a warm summer evening. A year ago I would have been in full self pity. Oh poor me, I cant do that anymore. Last night walking home I felt peace. Because that isnt me anymore. That isnt my life. And it wasnt like that at the end anyway. I would much rather be in a church hall with grateful, recovering alcoholics than out drinking because for me to drink into die. My life is not perfect but it is 1000x better than what it was 15 months ago. And the steps are changing me as a person. I was full of anger and self pity, resentful, selfish, frightened. That is all changing. As I work my programme on a daily basis and not pick up a drink one day at a time.
It is NEVER too late to quit drinking and get your life back. But dont waste anymore time. Do it now!
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan 
Day 6. I didn’t post last night because I was all depressed and even tried to drink, told my sponsor too, but my local store closes at 7:30, thanks God. Either way, made it through. Thanks to God.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
I think it is amazing how many quit in their 40's I quit also at 41 and stayed stopped for 8 years...I'm 55 now and quitting again.
I opened the post because the title said Can it get any worse?
YES...My sister died last Sept from addiction....
You are still here on this earth...there is still hope for you and your daughters relationship.
It sounds like it is time to show some action toward stopping drinking...and things will get better with TIME.
I opened the post because the title said Can it get any worse?
YES...My sister died last Sept from addiction....
You are still here on this earth...there is still hope for you and your daughters relationship.
It sounds like it is time to show some action toward stopping drinking...and things will get better with TIME.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
How's it going?
I don't know if you said this exactly in describing your program - I'd talk thru these big fears and somewhat obsessive thoughts about the insidious nature of our disease with my sponsor, if I was feeling as you are. Guidance as to what steps I would need to (re)work to address this and give me a stronger method for handling them would be really important.
I don't know if you said this exactly in describing your program - I'd talk thru these big fears and somewhat obsessive thoughts about the insidious nature of our disease with my sponsor, if I was feeling as you are. Guidance as to what steps I would need to (re)work to address this and give me a stronger method for handling them would be really important.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Better Man - it sure seems like your taking excellent steps to get sober. It was difficult for me and it remains, after a pretty good bit of sobriety, the most important thing I do each day, all day long.
But it's really worth it. I have a life I could never have dreamt of when I was drinking.
And it all started with getting help and holding onto that help, even to this day.
Snitch - thanks for sharing your path to sobriety and success. Mine has been very similar.
But it's really worth it. I have a life I could never have dreamt of when I was drinking.
And it all started with getting help and holding onto that help, even to this day.
Snitch - thanks for sharing your path to sobriety and success. Mine has been very similar.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Yeah, it can get worse
since we last spoke I was petitioned to an institution for putting a gun in my mouth during a blackout.
So much to live for, too stupid to figure out out to stay sober.
Day 4.
So much to live for, too stupid to figure out out to stay sober.
Day 4.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
since we last spoke I was petitioned to an institution for putting a gun in my mouth during a blackout.
So much to live for, too stupid to figure out out to stay sober.
Day 4.
So much to live for, too stupid to figure out out to stay sober.
Day 4.
You may need some pshych help too.
Many of us in these threads have had to address that issue as well.
If you have to enter an institution (which could wind up saving your life), you can use that time profitably by working on your recovery program.
Keep us posted as to your efforts.
I would also give your gun(s) to a friend for safe-keeping.
I used to shoot guns when I was drinking (many, many years ago), and, from personal experiences (even though we would just drink and take target practice on farms), I advise against it.
We're all glad you're here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
I had a friend remove all my guns. I see a therapist but we’ve not uncovered any glaring issues. Just the run of the mill stuff that comes with or causes alcoholism; low self esteem, codependency, etc.
i don’t think I was suicidal, but who knows when one is in that state?!?
i don’t think I was suicidal, but who knows when one is in that state?!?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
But you are on Day 4! That is the GOOD thing.....are the cravings gone?
Maybe this is your time to stop...hopefully you can come look back on this and say...
I remember that and I'm glad I"m not there anymore
Maybe this is your time to stop...hopefully you can come look back on this and say...
I remember that and I'm glad I"m not there anymore
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I'm so glad the guns are gone.
I didn't think i was suicidal either but I felt such despair when drunk that anything was possible...like you I was lucky and lived to tell the tale.
If you feel your psych is not addressing the issues you want him/her to you can always raise that as a concern.
Congrats on day 4...and I agree with SoberCAH that it's a great time to start thinking about how you'll stay sober now...the stakes sound pretty high...
D
I didn't think i was suicidal either but I felt such despair when drunk that anything was possible...like you I was lucky and lived to tell the tale.
If you feel your psych is not addressing the issues you want him/her to you can always raise that as a concern.
Congrats on day 4...and I agree with SoberCAH that it's a great time to start thinking about how you'll stay sober now...the stakes sound pretty high...
D
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