JLknox52

Is there help for parents of adult children applying tough love? Our hearts are broken with having to remove our son from our home for substance abuse. Any words, thoughts or book suggestions would be appreciated.
Jan

Anna

Yes, you can check out AlAnon in your city for support for yourselves.

I'm sorry for your situation.

biminiblue

There is also a Friends & Family section of this site where you can read and post more about these kinds of issues. You're not alone, I'm sorry for your pain.

Here's a link:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family

Dandelion12

Can you "lovingly detach"?

I heard an addiction specialist say "True love not tough love"

As a survivor of abuse that ran through my family due to the problems of others, I am now suffering a great deal myself.

I have considered suicide just to escape the lunacy of a family that somehow thought more punishment would be healing.

I dont Know your family or situation, but please consider that folks have different and different opinions but YOU are going to live with the consequences, not someone else.

AlAnon, coda, there is a plethora of advise out there.

I just know that I hurt right now. Im sure your son is too

CRRHCC

In the 2019 movie, “Beautiful Boy,” the father asks his drug addicted son, "Why do you do all these drugs?" The son answers, “I don’t know why, when I tried it I felt better than I ever have, so I just kept doing it.”


Most people don't think about why they behave the way they do. Feeling compelled to use a drug (or any compulsive behavior) arises from important reasons inside people, not in an inanimate bottle or substance!​ If you think about it, you can't get addicted to a substance or a behavior, unless you have learned it does something for you!


My son started on pain pills from a skateboard injury and fracture. He became addicted to the pills after the pain was gone and turned to a cheaper fix, heroin. Heroin is from the German word, "Hero." Heroin makes you feel like a hero with no problems. My son escaped his overwhelming feelings with substances instead of facing them. That's what all addicts do. They escape their emotions with substitute quick fixes and mood changer of drugs and alcohol. For a variety of reasons, addicts never learn direct healthy ways to deal with their overwhelming circumstances in life.

My wife and I forced our heroin addicted son out of our house. He lived on the street. I would see him around town, unconscious in his car. Sometimes he would park in front of our house. You could tell he had just finished an injection. We never knew if he would regain consciousness.

My advice is to not cut off your verbal relationship, but just explain that this is my house with my rules. As parents, we are doing what we think and pray is best for you.

Always re-enforce that you love him and are here for him when he is ready to change his thinking and change his life.

You can't control him, you can only love him. Get him professional help if possible. Get yourselves help as well.

Matthew 11:28 "COME TO ME, ALL YOU WHO LABOR AND ARE HEAVY LADEN, AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST."

mityas

My husband and I applied tough love and kicked our son out of the house for heroin use. My husband was able to keep an open line of communication with him, but I wasn't strong enough. I knew I would feel bad and allow him back into the house. The best thing I did was attend Celebrate Recovery and Alan-on meetings. First of all I learned that I could not control my son's behavior but I could pray to God who has access to his heart and mind. Also, having the support gave me the strength to maintain healthy boundaries with my son. The meetings provided a safe place to share my feelings, which were overwhelming at times. Watching my son live in his car under a bridge was one of the most painful experiences of my life.