22 year old trying to help her alcoholic mother
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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22 year old trying to help her alcoholic mother
Hey ya'll, this is my first time posting here. I just really could use advice about my mother, it's a long story so please bear with me..
it pretty much all started when she had gastric bypass surgery to lose weight-she was told she could not drink ever again. Shortly after this my youngest sister moved out of the house and my mom entered a downward spiral. The alcohol has caused so many major problems besides affecting relationships with her family. She has almost died 3 times, one time she was so intoxicated she forgot she took a whole bottle of tylenol and was on the brink on death. Some of the other scares we had involved her shooting up some type of pill and when I was 8th grade she almost died twice from that. So I feel she has an addictive personality. This pretty much brings us to where we are now... my dad is divorcing her...her liver is failing shes always yellow and sickly, her life is falling apart but she blames everyone around her. She recently got kicked out of her house and I let her stay with me for a few days. I try to support her but I try not to enable her. Its just hard thinking about your mother sleeping in her car. I told her she could only stay for a few more days (we had a rule 25 scheduled for her to go to hoping to get her in treatment) but she left my house and said she was going to the er, she wouldn't tell me why. I called the er and they said she was never there, but I was able to get on the phone records and see the last place she called was the battered women's shelter near me. She said she would not tell me or my sisters where she was at and she is shutting of her phone and is never going to talk to us again because 'we took our dads side in the divorce' which we did not we expressed always we love them both and will support them both. She is even making claims that she is going to say my dad beat her because she broke her nose from falling face first drunk. She is being so pretty and vindictive but I still feel so guilty and bad for her that shes staying in a shelter with no family no money probably crying herself to sleep every night but theres nothing I can do I cant force her to do anything. I'm her child I should not have to parent her. I read somewhere that you have to let their actions cause them to experience negative consequences and hope they hit rock bottom, but I feel like shes going to end up going off somewhere not caring about her life and get hurt or die and no one is there to help her. Any advice would greatly be appreciate. Again sorry for the book, but I dont think these kind of stories are ever very short.
it pretty much all started when she had gastric bypass surgery to lose weight-she was told she could not drink ever again. Shortly after this my youngest sister moved out of the house and my mom entered a downward spiral. The alcohol has caused so many major problems besides affecting relationships with her family. She has almost died 3 times, one time she was so intoxicated she forgot she took a whole bottle of tylenol and was on the brink on death. Some of the other scares we had involved her shooting up some type of pill and when I was 8th grade she almost died twice from that. So I feel she has an addictive personality. This pretty much brings us to where we are now... my dad is divorcing her...her liver is failing shes always yellow and sickly, her life is falling apart but she blames everyone around her. She recently got kicked out of her house and I let her stay with me for a few days. I try to support her but I try not to enable her. Its just hard thinking about your mother sleeping in her car. I told her she could only stay for a few more days (we had a rule 25 scheduled for her to go to hoping to get her in treatment) but she left my house and said she was going to the er, she wouldn't tell me why. I called the er and they said she was never there, but I was able to get on the phone records and see the last place she called was the battered women's shelter near me. She said she would not tell me or my sisters where she was at and she is shutting of her phone and is never going to talk to us again because 'we took our dads side in the divorce' which we did not we expressed always we love them both and will support them both. She is even making claims that she is going to say my dad beat her because she broke her nose from falling face first drunk. She is being so pretty and vindictive but I still feel so guilty and bad for her that shes staying in a shelter with no family no money probably crying herself to sleep every night but theres nothing I can do I cant force her to do anything. I'm her child I should not have to parent her. I read somewhere that you have to let their actions cause them to experience negative consequences and hope they hit rock bottom, but I feel like shes going to end up going off somewhere not caring about her life and get hurt or die and no one is there to help her. Any advice would greatly be appreciate. Again sorry for the book, but I dont think these kind of stories are ever very short.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Oh my gosh my dear I'm so sorry.
This is not your fault in any way. Please get some support from counseling or other to help you deal with this trauma. That is what it is, trauma.
Hurt people hurt people. Your mom is hurting and is caught up in this disorder of addiction. The things she says and believes at this time are because of her addiction. Doesn't mean she isn't responsible for them, but try to detach from them. She's basically insane right now and is doing whatever she can to protect her ability to drink. Rationalization, victim behavior, justification and blame are all part of the disorder...and many other things.
I don't know if you've been told about the huge connection between Gastric Bypass and alcoholism....its a major thing. I'm not an expert but I believe the folks who get this surgery are not treated as the addicts they probably are (food being their drug of choice). The ability to binge on food is removed so they basically switch drugs, often to alcohol. The underlying cause of addiction should be addressed prior to surgery but I think it rarely is. Or that's been my experience.
I would continue to tell your Mom its rehab or no contact. You can't save her and you aren't to blame. You are young. Take care of you.
This is not your fault in any way. Please get some support from counseling or other to help you deal with this trauma. That is what it is, trauma.
Hurt people hurt people. Your mom is hurting and is caught up in this disorder of addiction. The things she says and believes at this time are because of her addiction. Doesn't mean she isn't responsible for them, but try to detach from them. She's basically insane right now and is doing whatever she can to protect her ability to drink. Rationalization, victim behavior, justification and blame are all part of the disorder...and many other things.
I don't know if you've been told about the huge connection between Gastric Bypass and alcoholism....its a major thing. I'm not an expert but I believe the folks who get this surgery are not treated as the addicts they probably are (food being their drug of choice). The ability to binge on food is removed so they basically switch drugs, often to alcohol. The underlying cause of addiction should be addressed prior to surgery but I think it rarely is. Or that's been my experience.
I would continue to tell your Mom its rehab or no contact. You can't save her and you aren't to blame. You are young. Take care of you.
I'm sorry for your situation with your mother.
There is little you can do unless and until your mother decides to stop drinking and to recover. I hope that you take care of yourself at this time. You might check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you.
There is little you can do unless and until your mother decides to stop drinking and to recover. I hope that you take care of yourself at this time. You might check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Lilbabychewchew.
I understand how helpless you feel trying to help your mother. I went through the same thing with my dad and my brother, and then my family went through the same thing with me. I've been sober now for 21 years. I sought recovery when my family and friends started doing things differently, such as, they wouldn't answer the phone, they wouldn't co-sign my BS anymore, they stopped listening to me blame everything and everybody in my life for my circumstances. Many of them totally cut me out of their lives.
Please find some Al-Anon meetings near you so you can learn about this devastating disease and how it affects not only your mother but every life it touches, including yours.
You can't change, cure, or control your mother's disease, but you can attend Al-Anon meetings and learn some tools that will help you cope whether she chooses to give in to the disease or makes the choice to get help on her own.
Al-Anon meetings have helped me so much, and I hope you'll look into when they are and where they are.
Please keep us posted, and I'll say a prayer for you and your family.
I understand how helpless you feel trying to help your mother. I went through the same thing with my dad and my brother, and then my family went through the same thing with me. I've been sober now for 21 years. I sought recovery when my family and friends started doing things differently, such as, they wouldn't answer the phone, they wouldn't co-sign my BS anymore, they stopped listening to me blame everything and everybody in my life for my circumstances. Many of them totally cut me out of their lives.
Please find some Al-Anon meetings near you so you can learn about this devastating disease and how it affects not only your mother but every life it touches, including yours.
You can't change, cure, or control your mother's disease, but you can attend Al-Anon meetings and learn some tools that will help you cope whether she chooses to give in to the disease or makes the choice to get help on her own.
Al-Anon meetings have helped me so much, and I hope you'll look into when they are and where they are.
Please keep us posted, and I'll say a prayer for you and your family.
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