Tetrax

My heart's pounding for fear of drinking tonight. Seems to have come out of the blue. I'm 99.9% sure I will not drink tonight but that 0.1% scares me.

I'd go running if I wasn't injured. I've done some weights and push-ups and stuff. Not enough. Just watching movies but maybe the violence of this movie is triggering me or something? I don't know. It's nearly over. Maybe a light movie after? A comedy? Zero appetite when heart is pounding like this.

The context is I'm alone at 10:30pm on Sat night; housemates have gone out (will surely come back late, drunk).

Anyways, just thinking out loud right now. I know people out there will understand.

awuh1

There's nothing so bad that a drink can't make worse.

Anna

I'm glad you posted.

Try to eat something light, even if you don't feel hungry. It might help you to feel better. Maybe you could go for a walk, since you can't run. And a comedy sounds great. You can get through this.

least

Don't drink! No matter what!!

Tetrax

Thanks all. Did some more working out, did some washing up. It's fading somewhat. Gonna find a comedy. There's ice cream if I'm ready for it. I'm not gonna walk cos I'm in a city and all there is out there is pubs and off-licences.

Dee74

Keep posting Tetrax

You've come a long way - its been inspiring to see you rack up the weeks.
Don't go back to where you've been. That was not a good space to be.

There are certain situations that can fill us with fear - I know Saturday nights and your housemates have been problematic for you - but it doesn't always have to be that way.

Things have changed and you've changed.

Cut the AV dead.
You can do this, man

D

dpac414

I feel this on a deep level, cuz it's where I'm at today. That .01% chance that I'll just throw it all away for no reason, for just a second of "relief." Ugh. Sucks.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not struggling alone today, and I believe you can ride this out and it will pass. Keep pushing forward.

Dee74

I believe in you too dpac

D

Tetrax

Thanks. You too. We got this.

Tetrax

Watching Bull Durham. Absolute classic. Ice cream enjoyed. 'If' by Rudyard Kipling read. Housemates in and relatively quiet...

August252015

Hey Tetrax and dpac - I konw it's only about 45 min since Tetrax's last (great!) post- how are you two doing?

I've been known to switch movies a few minutes in multiple times in a "sitting" when antsy....whatever it takes.

Have y'all looked around here for the 24 hour thread? Or weekenders? Those might be good as you get thru tonight sober and have a sober Sun ahead of you.

You can do this.

PhoenixJ

support in numbers

much better to post than drink

support offered

Tetrax

Thanks August, yeah I always seem to forget about those threads. But yeah now feel good to be heading to bed soon.

D122y

I used to fill up on whatever I could. I tried to keep it healthy.

Sugar tricks the brain. I ate lots of candy

It is easier said than done, but working out gets the adrenaline and dopamine flowing.

I definitely feel anxious when I miss a few days of workouts.

I guess I am craving a bit too, but i don't drink any more.

This is the end of my crave window.

Thanks.

lessgravity

Awesome job posting here before you drank or got too tempted or dealt with housemates. That's a huge move by you. Speaks volumes about what you really want and are able to do. Keep it moving, build on this. Really nice work man. An inspiration to people like me who are further down the sober road, not just newcomers.

Thanks for the post. Good, good stuff.

Tetrax

Thanks everyone! I've generally managed to avoid strong urges as I've built my commitment, but it was probably good to be tested - to avoid complacency - and know there is always support here. Another day sober in the bag

August252015

Great job ! Today is a great day to make specific plans to keep yourself occupied, I think. You can make it another sober day. Check in here for sure!

DriGuy

First, congrats on waking up without a hangover. Second, fear is a fair motivator, and I've used that to stay sober early on too. Like you, I had no intention of drinking, but there was always that .1% chance, or in dpac's case .01%. But such remote chances approach the irrational, and they really don't warrant that much attention. You don't worry about slipping on a bar of soap and fracturing your skull, and I could suggest that that's worse than getting drunk.

But so what? Much of this whole drinking problem is irrational to begin with. Maybe it's OK to depend on an irrational fear to fight the problem. But that doesn't make much sense either. I'm going to go out on one of my psychological limbs here and create a hypothesis to explain a couple of things about last night that keep popping to my head:

Why are you focusing on a .1% chance of something? Are you running out of fear and all you've got left is .1% chance of getting drunk?

Right now the glass is half full or half empty analogy makes sense. Yeah, it's a cliche', but it's still valid. what you are saying is that you are 99.9% confident you won't drink. This is progress. A month ago you probably didn't have 5%. If the chances of drinking get much lower than .1%, you will have to turn to demonic possession, where the Devil forces you to chug vodka against your will.

The brighter side of all this is that you may be moving on to the next stage of recovery, where fear is no longer part of your solution and is replaced with the rational. Now that's a step forward. I know pure reason may not seem as powerful as sheer terror. After all, can you think of a more boring offshoot of philosophy than logic? But replacing emotional responses with intellectual thought is IMO an adult approach to life.

Last night's problem could have been due to something else, I've thrown something from my personal experience against the wall to see if it sticks in your case, and I might be misunderstanding what last night was all about. However, I will defend bringing reason to recovery until I die. When you start fearing .1% of something, it's time for some new perspective.

Recovery down the road should not be about fear and struggle. It should be centered around confidence and ease. And eventually, it will be.

Tetrax

Thanks DriGuy, yeah I think there's a lot of sense in what you're saying, or at least in what I think you're saying. It's almost like I'm irrationally clinging on to what's left of the fear. Incidentally I have clinical OCD, which is very similar to having the AV in addiction: a 'voice' that always focuses on what is logically speaking very insignificant, but nonetheless very hard to shake, even when you know it's irrational. Usually it's almost like when it knows genuine progress is being made psychologically it gets louder to try and bring me down. It is in truth usually a very good indicator that, like you said, in reality, I am making actual progress.

Tetrax

Yeah you're right not having much to do and the monkey's back on my back. This is a tough weekend. At least this time there's a meeting I can get to. It's in a couple of hours. Maybe this is where a 12-step programme would come into play? I can't seem to intellectualise/CBT myself out of this one. It seems less about distorted thinking and more just about a heavy feeling.