WhoDeyPI

Hey ya'll. Today is day 303 for me.

As I get healthier, and feel healthy, I've been really loving life. That being said, these last few days I've been feeling a certain kind of way. I'm not craving alcohol, but I just have that thought in the back of my head of "maybe I can just celebrate with a few drinks one of these days".

To make matters worse, as I've been noticing from other people, and from the media (shows/movies) that "relapsing" is talked about like it is a normal and acceptable thing. Almost like it's a good thing.

I've gone back and read my "Day 1" post, and how miserable I was.

I've read the hospital notes and my diagnosis.

I've looked at all the pics of me looking terrible as a drunk.

I know I don't WANT to drink....but in the back of my mind there's that little feeling of "would it really be all that bad?".

needshelp111

My first-day post is still so fresh and I'm dealing with it still that I can only imagine how wonderful 303 days would be. Thanks for sharing this.

tomsteve

dont think ive ever read HERE that relapse is acceptable. shows and movies are entertainment- they should be taken that way.

MLD51

I sometimes hear people say that relapse is a part of recovery. I have heard that here, even. I don't believe that. Not everyone has to relapse. And I think relapse is a part of alcoholism or drug addiction, not a part of recovery. I mean, I understand what people are trying to say - I think what they mean is that relapses do not mean that you'll never get sober, that there's hope no matter what, and that you shouldn't beat yourself up too much for a relapse, but relapses are by no means inevitable. And not something that should just be shrugged off as a normal part of recovery.

When i have those "would it really be that bad" thoughts, I do what you did WhoDey - think back to the really dark times right before I quit (picturing myself in handcuffs in the back of a police squad after my DUI usually does it) and say to myself "maybe not, but are you willing to take that chance?" Nope. Big fat nope.

Callas

303 days is such an achievement. Well done. Many would want to be where you are. Hopefully the “what if” feeling will pass.

entropy1964

I have those feelings too at times. And it is unnerving.

I have to remind myself that I am no different than any other addict. When my own dark tales don't become enough (and my GAWD they should) to stop that negotiating, I read here. I take very close to my heart, the suffering of others who share here. The ones detoxing, or feeling that their lives are completely hosed up, or are headed to the hospital. One drink, and that will be me. I cannot deny that.

If I drink, I bring my world down around me. And hurt others in the process. I don't have the right to do that. Its a harsh reality, but its a fact.

vxper

I'm a little bit behind you at 199 days and I get this completely. I do miss the "social" side of drinking but then think about how there was never anything social about the way I drank. I think the "what if" feeling may just be something that I will live with for the rest of my life but I can deal with that if the reward is sobriety.

WhoDeyPI

I think you've hit the nail on the head....thanks.

"Relapse is a part of recovery" is basically what I was talking about. I've heard "you can't fully heal until you've relapsed" and nonsense like that. I think also this goes back to what I've talked about in the past, how the media seems to "romanticize" alcoholism.

When I first got sober I had a random woman tell me "You don't drink? So like, you're an addict in recovery? That's so hot." No. No! Nothing "hot" about it!

I got off track a bit, but all these different things have just been swirling around in the back of my mind.

PrayBreathe

I really like this explanation. I thought relapse was a part of recovery too, but I really think MLD51 said it well. I feel that maybe it's on the way TO recovery, but not necessarily A APART of recovery.

Please don't think it's ok to drink. You have made it so far. I wish I was where you are. I'm only on day 3. You've accomplished so much, please don't throw all that very hard and agonizing work away. I know you don't WANT to drink and maybe don't plan on it. But don't let the mindset of having a couple is a good thing. It's not.
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​​​​​​Maybe you should do something that makes you feel good that doesn't involve drinking that you really like. Remind yourself that you don't need alcohol to celebrate or feel good.

My Edit: I don't think that it's ok or good to relaspe. Not what I meant. It has happened many times for me and if I looked at it as I'm a failure because i couldn' resist that would be really discouraging and I would want to not try anymore.

lessgravity

I also think MLD hit it on the head - though I never liked the term "relapse" for these very reasons, the term itself seema to almost justify the actions that underlie it. It's not a relapse, it's just a conscious choice to drink. Sure people decide to do this all the time, against the evidence that it might ruin their lives. But people make horrible decisions all the time - doesn't mean that it's ok or best or what should be done.

I think it's also helpful for you to focus on the whys of your sobriety since your having these thoughts. What values are you elevating and celebrating by being sober? I know you knit much of this, but it bears repeating.

Simply playing the movie out when I have a thought about drinking again works best - you know as well as anyone where that story ends.

Kdon853

No one ever said that you wouldn’t think about a “few drinks” at times. The sirens call pops in occasionally in my mind. The are just thoughts. You played the tape looked at old posts , medical records etc. I drank for 40 yrs how could it not come back . We are only human.

Dee74

Relapse is a part of my addiction, not my recovery.

There absolutely nothing in my life that could be improved on by drinking or drugging - but it's all at risk if I do.

I love this life - I like sober me - not gonna roll the dice on it.
The game is crooked and the house always wins that bet

Not gonna happen

D
D

Tetrax

Yup.

Flower2327

I'll be at 1.5 years tomorrow, and while I don't get cravings per se, I do occasionally find myself engaging in stupid, existential lines of thinking, like, it's really not that complicated an action, to pick up a glass of wine. Silly unproductive thoughts that I shuffle off as quickly as I can. I know I cannot ever drink again, and if I do, it will be for the sole purpose of getting obliterated every time, again.

I've told a couple of friends, if I ever come to you with all sorts of high-minded reasons why I'm going to start drinking again, why it's really fine now, etc etc etc, you need to know that I'm in a bad way and need help, because the only thing that lies that way is death.

Hevyn

I'm glad you posted, WhoDey.

It would definitely be 'all that bad' for me. I decided to test myself once. 3 yrs. of sobriety gone - 7 yrs. of hell, as I crashed & burned. It can never happen again. I would not survive it.

least

It took a while before not thinking about drinking was normal. But now I rarely get thoughts like that, and they are easy to dismiss. I know what's down that road and I'm not going there.