KinseyMillhone

I had a few weeks under my belt, and I took my kids out to dinner and ordered a beer, as though I hadn't been struggling, and journaling, and reading books and memoirs, and doing hypnotherapy, and walking everyday, and...I just ordered that drink like...someone addicted to alcohol might do.

I sat awake, at 3 am, wondering what I'm missing. All I came up with was fear. Fear of what feels like long stretches of loneliness, fear of having to reach out and make connections, of doing the work of mending my relationships.

So I'm turning a light on this. I've stopped drinking before, but telling myself I can achieve long lasting sobriety without honesty, without work, and without accountability adds up to me, sitting in a restaurant, ordering a drink and wishing I wasn't.

Not quite sure what my first step in this direction is, but if I'm feeling uncertain and on shakey, foreign ground without looking for a drink, I hope I'm on the right path.

Atlast9999

DriGuy

It sounds like your doing the first step as stated in AA, or any other problem solving activity for that matter; You are recognizing the problem. What resonates with me is that automatic response of ordering a beer like it's a perfectly normal thing to do. Not that normies don't have such automatic responses. But for alcoholics such responses have serious consequences. Normies don't need to worry.

So your step after you get "recognition" out of the way is to become vigilant, becoming constantly aware of these automatic subconscious decisions and not responding to them. But that's only a start, because your body and mind are going to start making your life Hell when you change course. You going to need a more detailed plan when that starts happening.

BrianK

This sounds to me like heightened awareness. If it is, it can be a huge asset. Not a comfortable one, but valuable. We don't have to second-guess every single thought, but when we notice we're thinking something it can be helpful to allow the thought to stay on the stage, pan back from it, look at the surroundings, see what let to it, where we naturally want to go with it, where we think we really ought to go with it (in my case this is rarely the same as where I naturally want to go with it )

We don't have to judge ourselves for having thoughts, especially when our brains have been altered by alcohol. Just being aware and allowing a thought to be can lay warning signs around the trap, so to speak. If we put our whole selves in the trap, we're caught up in our old behavior again, but if we're willing to take a closer look and study the trap even for a few moments before sticking our hand in it (or reaching it out for a drink), we might get a few more warning signals next time. Seems to work for me, anyways. Hope it was helpful

MLD51

but telling myself I can achieve long lasting sobriety without honesty, without work, and without accountability adds up to me, sitting in a restaurant, ordering a drink and wishing I wasn't.

Yep. Honesty, work, accountability. You have hit the nail on the head. These are the ingredients in the soup of my sobriety. I need all 3 to pull it together. Without even one of them, it's not a complete recipe. There are plenty of ways to achieve these things, to each his/her own on that. I use AA, online resources like this, mindfulness, lots of reading and reflection of "sober lit," and regular interludes in nature.

(I love your avatar and screen name. Big fan of Sue Grafton.)

Dee74

Sounds like a good path to me Kinsey

D

KinseyMillhone

Thank you all, for your comments. I'm starting to get, I think!

Remaining mindful is challenging but powerful. Taking a moment to observe what has precipitated a thought, feeling, behavior or urge has been really helpful in getting to the point that have an addiction that needs to be addressed. That addiction has rewired my brain so that rational thought is outweighed by just the smallest desire (always there) or reason. I could give you a long list of the reasons to quit drinking, but the one pro-drinking thought tips the scale in the other direction.
It's not a rational process. It just proves that I can't take my eyes off my goal of being free for one second. And I have to build an external support system that I can lean on when something comes up.
I also need to change other things about myself that will support sobriety. They will change and take different forms over time, but I can't really ever stop doing those things.

awuh1

Your last post with reference to rationality reminded me of a letter to one of the two founders of Alcoholics anonymous from Carl Jung (who within psychological circles is nearly as famous as Sigmund Freud). Anyway, there truly are things that are "beyond the confines of mere rationalism". The thought is better expressed 'in context' so I'm including a copy of the letter.

All the best to you.

KinseyMillhone

Thanks, Awuh1! It was timely to read this letter. It was interesting to note that Jung felt both spiritual experience and a strong community could have such an impact. It's pretty clear (from experience) that isolation feeds an addiction. Changing my mind must include changing my heart.

awuh1

I sincerely hope you find and can fill that unrecognized spiritual need Kinsey. Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is the first step.
Namaste

SoberRican

My thing is to put that stinkin think in inCheck. For me it's not so much more the physical part of it thank goodness I've already went through my with draw my thing is now is staying sober so I'm a lot more diligent and obtaining that goal I'm on day 59 today another thing is leaning on my higher power or whoever you choose to call your higher power it works