Caught myself in time
 

Having a bit of a crap time. It's been two months since I relapsed and I've been stuck in some pretty awful relapse thinking again, the last couple of weeks.

I'm sick of being stuck in this place. Knowing rationally I can't drink but really wanting too. Going round in circles, bargining with myself. I could drink if.....
But I know I can't. All that's left for me in my relationship with alcohol is three day benders, chronic anxiety and potententially seizures. I still don't think I've fully recovered from the last time and it's so so dangerous.

Why is it so hard to accept? To let go?

Thank god for antabuse. It's the only reason I'm sober just now.

So...what are you doing in your recovery, I hear you say! Not enough. So I've decided today to:

1) Go to a meeting (in 15 mins) share honestly and ask about a sponsor.
2) Get extra support (I contacted an alcohol counselling service today.)
3) Chase up the referral my GP made for me two months ago. I still haven't heard anything.
4) Put some boundaries in place at home. My husband persists with drinking excessive when he is off. It eats into the time we spend together and I can't cope with it anymore.

The only way forward is through this. I'm so tired of feeling stuck.

Thank you all for being here. I needed to share this. Love Gabe 💞

Two months of sobriety is great. I'm glad that you knew you were vulnerable and that you are taking action. It sounds like you have a good plan.

So this probably isn't the greatest piece of advice but it really helps me. The idea being , I am my thoughts. So if I entertain drinking, well guess what? I'm going to think about drinking.

When I say to myself "I will not drink, no matter what. I won't change my mind" every single time I even think about booze, it starts to become my reality. When I say stuff like, I will not drink 'today' my crazy brain says, maybe tomorrow. Resulting in the same white knuckle feeling of drinking still being some kind of option.

Take it off the table. Say NO. That is a complete sentence.

Good to see you still here and fighting the AV, Gabe.

Thanks very much for you replies folks, it's much appreciated.

I feel better having gone to a meeting. The daily reflection was about being open to change and taking responsibility. It really had an impact on me. My mind, especially my addictive mind is resisting change so strongly at the moment and telling me that there are no positive alternatives. There are loads and loads of positive things to be excited by, to learn and to experience!

I think I may have found a sponsor too and I'm really excited about that but aware that now it's time to move forward and put the work in. I always fall back to that place of feeling like the Decision not to drink is the work.....it's only the beginning.

Entropy - thanks for that. I was thinking today about how we really create our own reality. My thoughts took me down a horrible road this last wee while. I try challenging my thinking about drinking this way. I like that.....NO is a complete sentence.

Off to sleep - best wishes xx

Gabe - I'm so glad you're taking action. It sounds like you're doing all the right things to help yourself through this. I don't know why I found it so hard to let go, either. I wanted to hold on to the fun times - but if I was honest, there never were any fun, carefree times anymore. Every time I let alcohol in my system, dangerous & embarrassing things happened. I had to let go of the idea that I could ever have just one - or be a social drinker. Once I had proof - by doing even more damage :( - I was determined to save my life by admitting even one drop was too much. You are going to do it, Gabe.

Taking action is key Gabe - I'm really glad you're doing that :)

D

Good job Gabe.

Yeah I am my thoughts...and I've been raging lately . I do have a lot going on, but seriously. I know where rage gets me...thirsty. So its on me to change my reactions. Change the thinking. Like how bout a shout out for some darn gratitude there Entropy? Haha. Rant over.

So we all struggle. I guess we addicts, in order to stay content, have to really stay in tune with our thinking. In a way, we're lucky. I believe we become more highly emotionally evolved over time. That's kind of arrogant huh? But it is what I've seen.

Doesn't mean I don't relapse into crappy thinking. Just gotta right the ship quickly.

Actually, I think that's very good advice. The eventuality of recovery is that we stop entertaining drinking and cravings. It's no longer part of our lives. So early on, we should practice taking it off the table, which is exactly the goal in recovery.

I didn't use that advice to stop drinking, not consciously, at least, but as soon as I read your post, I recognized it as valuable, because it's something I learned to do when dealing with resentments. Don't worry about why resentments (or cravings) are there. Just stop focusing on them.

It's seems counter intuitive, but it actually works. I don't want to oversimplify and say that's all it takes (although it may be all it takes), but if you need more, taking these issues off the table can be a valuable supplement to your other tools.

Thanks everyone for your posts and I'm sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I have no phone at the moment and intermittent internet - bit of a nightmare!

I appreciate all the words of encouragement. I'm doing OK. Not that great mentally but the obsessing about drinking seems to have lessened a bit. I'm just really tired and I find it hard to keep the momentum going for anything, so it's so important t find a way of maintaining a good recovery and life routine.

I bought the AA Daily Reflections book and I love it. We read a passage at the beginning of meetings and I've started reading it in the morning too. I find it helps me to think about the process and challenges of change, how to see past the feelings of loss about alcohol and the massive gains of recovery. It's got me thinking alot about responsibility, commitment and just nurturing faith.

I am not perfect and I'm making loads of mistakes but I continue to try and I'm happy enough with that.

Have a great weekend! Gabe xx

I'm glad you're doing ok in your recovery Gabe :)

Hope you get your phone and internet sorted :)

D

Thanks Dee. Phone should hopefully be working again next week xxx

On the subject of thoughts. I have to be really vigilant with my thinking. My many years of negative loops are easy to fall back into.

I have this as a sticky note above my kitchen sink. Sticky note positive thoughts in strategic places are really helpful for me.

"I will notice my thoughts. They are creating, not just reflecting my life."

Thanks Bimini. I think I'll write that down and put it somewhere I can see.

I think the thing I have to watch just now is telling myself I'm too tired to do anything, outside. It gets dangerous as I end up in bed at 7pm, watching netflix and getting frustrated with where I am in my recovery. Then I don't sleep well and end up feeling really emotional. Its a fine balance between resting and creating a situation that makes me feel exhausted.

I would just like to integrate a few positive, recovery focused things into my daily routine and build on those. It's makes all the difference to my mental and emotional health. When I fall into having a pity party, that's when things go south for me pretty quickly. Gabe xx

Action is good Gabe :)

D