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Wondering if I can keep this up

Old 06-24-2019, 07:06 AM
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View your sobriety as a good thing, not a misfortune ~ after all it is what we are striving for here. And you have it now. Too precious to let it go.

Obviously your husband is a habitual daily drinker, chained to it by the clock, not in control but being controlled by addiction. Is that you want to become?

Look on not with envy or contempt but with gratitude that you found your pathway out. And with hope that someday he will follow your footsteps and join you, not take you back to a place you don't want to be.
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Old 06-24-2019, 07:41 AM
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It sounds like you've already decided what to to which is great!

My husband went to a stag do (bachelor party) this weekend. Two nights of drinking and gambling at casinos with the guys. When he got home yesterday morning, he stuck to lying on the sofa drinking water and watching movies, complaining about how rotten he felt.

All I could do was think 'If I still drank, what would be the difference in this scenario?'

The difference would be that if I were hungover like him, I'd have started drinking from about 11am to bury that hangover asap. You know, just the one or two mimosas to feel a bit better. Oh, but one turns into the whole bottle. Then hey, I feel great and it's a sunny afternoon! Why not crack open the rum and start having a few rum and cokes. Haha I'm all drunk and giggly now, this is great! Oh my God it's Monday morning and I feel like I'm dying and don't remember anything from yesterday.'

The difference is he is someone who drinks on occasion and gets drunk maybe once or twice a year at an event. I am an alcoholic and once I start that party it's not going to end until I physically can't drink another drink.
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Old 06-24-2019, 09:18 AM
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My spouse drinks too but not always daily.

I really had a huge problem with it for awhile, but lately I've been staying on my side of the street and that has allowed me much more peace around the situation. He has a much right to choose his lifestyle as I do.

We can't control what they do, only if we want them in our lives or not.

Sounds drastic, perhaps, but if it was a choice of sobriety or him, I think it would be tough because as much as I love him, I don't think I would survive a relapse of any real significance.

You have to love yourself before you can really love someone else. That's something I've taken a lifetime to discover. Still haven't absorbed it into my soul yet, but I'm working on it.
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Old 06-24-2019, 11:09 AM
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Thanks y’all! Your responses have really helped me. I think I just needed to put my thoughts out there for feedback. It’s good for me to acknowledge that this is actually a difficult thing I’m doing — sometimes it’s easy, but other times it really, really isn’t.

I’ve done difficult things before. If I were to sit here and actually list them, getting and staying sober doesn’t seem like such a big deal by comparison. But it’ll be one of my most important personal achievements.

Oh well, I think the hardest part is behind me, as long as I keep moving forward instead of backward.
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Old 06-24-2019, 05:05 PM
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Hi Bonnie,

Congrats on your sober time. My husband is an alcoholic so to say we have very different views regarding alcohol would be an understatement. For me, I just focus on myself and what I am trying to achieve. As others have said, I stay on my side of the street. It’s not always easy but it is what I need to do, for me. I just over one year sober so it is definitely something that can be done. Hang in there and take care of you.
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Old 06-24-2019, 05:23 PM
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You’re going great Bonnie 6 months is a great achievement, and even more so in a challenging home environment. I’m at 13 months and I still have moments where I wonder if I can keep this up. My partner also drinks, most days, although not as much as he used to when I was drinking. He’s able to control how often and how much he drinks, unlike me. There are some great responses to your post here, and I thank everyone for your words, as it helps me too.

I think taking it one day at a time is my best tool. When I think about the future and future temptations I often feel like I won’t be able to resist the temptation to drink. But if I stick to just not drinking now, today, I seem to be able to not drink today. Even when the AV monster strikes, when cravings wash over me, I just make the decision to not drink now, not drink today. And I’m always relieved the next day when I wake up sober.

I think a good deterrent for me is reminding myself of the consequences of giving in to the urge to drink, that unlike normies, I’d be straight back into that vicious cycle of drink lots, hangover, drink lots more to cope with the hangover, worse hangover, drink again.... and on it would go, day after day. That reminder to myself that I wouldn’t just have one or two and then that would be it, that’s what stops me from joining my partner, or my friends, in “just one”. For me, it never ever was just one. I don’t have an off switch when it comes to alcohol, just a “lets speed things up” switch.

So for me, it’s one day at a time, and playing the tape forward to the consequences that keeps me sober.

I know you can do this
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Old 06-25-2019, 03:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Bonniefloyd View Post
It’s good for me to acknowledge that this is actually a difficult thing I’m doing — sometimes it’s easy, but other times it really, really isn’t.
Yes, it's not easy, and you deserve to take pride it what you have accomplished.

Originally Posted by Bonniefloyd View Post
I’ve done difficult things before. If I were to sit here and actually list them, getting and staying sober doesn’t seem like such a big deal by comparison. But it’ll be one of my most important personal achievements.
And an achievement with a lot of reward.

Originally Posted by Bonniefloyd View Post
Oh well, I think the hardest part is behind me, as long as I keep moving forward instead of backward.
Yes, you are past the parts where a lot of us have stumbled. From here on, it's being watchful for those traps that your AV likes to set, like those times when you're feeling like you have achieved the strength to have a drink without consequence. Your strength comes from not giving in, and you gain nothing by running serious risks trying to prove otherwise.
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Old 06-25-2019, 03:54 PM
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Congratulations on 6 months Bonniefloyd!

Perhaps you could ask your husband toat least not leave booze in the house ie he can still drink but to just purchase enough for himself each evening so that the temptation is not there 24/7
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Old 06-25-2019, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by saoutchik View Post
Perhaps you could ask your husband toat least not leave booze in the house ie he can still drink but to just purchase enough for himself each evening so that the temptation is not there 24/7
Lol — that seems reasonable, right? But he likes to keep a large bottle of vodka on hand, plus a couple of boxes of wine. He gets anxious when he runs low.

I hope I’m not making him sound awful. He’s really sweet and we get along great. But there’s no flexibility here. I’ll have to just keep doing my thing. I know it would be easier if I didn’t constantly have someone sitting right next to me drinking all evening though.

I do like going to bed sober and waking up without a hangover. So there’s that.
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Old 06-26-2019, 10:20 AM
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Bonnie - You are doing great. 6 months is a dicey time for a lot of folks, I know it was for me. In over 4 and a half years sober, that was the only time when I really struggled. It was an internal battle. I really couldn't drink at the time, because I was still dealing with legal fallout from my DUI, but I sure wished I could some days. By the time the legal stuff was taken care of later that summer, I felt strong again. It really does get easier as time goes on.

As for your husband's drinking - I know how tough that can be. I have a boyfriend who drinks. Sometimes quite heavily, and barely a day goes by that he doesn't drink something. He's not going to quit anytime soon. He goes about 3 months at the beginning of every year without drinking, but when he starts up again it's back to the races. I'm thankful we don't live together. I don't know what it would be like if he were sitting next to me every day having his wine. Early in my sobriety I didn't think I could handle it and we broke up for a while. We were both miserable. So we got back together, with some conditions surrounding his drinking. I am free to declare alcohol-free days every once in a while, so we can go do things we both enjoy, without having to worry about his drinking. I am always the designated driver when we go out to dinner or anytime he's likely to have a drink or two when we are together. I am free to go home from his place if he's drinking while we watch movies or TV and it's making me uncomfortable. He never drinks at my house. This works for us. We have no plans to move in together or get married, though. I probably wouldn't do that as long as he still drinks, but neither of us wants to do it anyway. Oh, and he is my biggest cheerleader in my sobriety, has never once pressured me to drink, and tells me often how proud he is of my steadfastness.

My point is, there are ways to make it work. Even if you are married. You can try to set up some ground rules that support your decision not to drink. Do you two ever talk about it? Does he know it's hard for you sometimes? Would he be open to that discussion?
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Old 06-26-2019, 10:42 AM
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You're doing great. It's so good that you posted here about your situation. I sure do understand the vulnerability you feel in certain moments and it would be nice to not have any alcohol around. As you said, what you're doing is hard, but you're doing it.

Can you ask your husband to keep the alcohol completely out of sight?
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Old 06-26-2019, 10:52 AM
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Thanks MLD. It’s good to know that these struggles are normal at 6 months.

My husband is generally very supportive as long as I don’t start placing demands on him. One difficult thing is that we used to love sitting out on the patio with our wine, having these long, meandering conversations. It was great — We’d bitch about whatever annoyed us that day, make each other laugh, make stupid big plans, argue over books. Pointless, but it was a good way to relax, connect, blow off steam.

I don’t have the patience for these kinds of conversations now. When I’m sober everything has to have a point. It’s hard for me to sit there drinking tea while my husband grows tipsy and starts talking about how it would be cool to retire to Arizona or whatever. My brain can’t slow down enough to indulge in idle chit chat. I miss that.

And now my stepdad is in failing heath and I am going to have to figure out what to do for my mom, who has Alzheimer’s. This has been on the horizon for a while, but things are happening sooner than I thought they would. On one hand, thank god I’m sober! On the other hand, ****, I wish I could catch a buzz and blow off some steam.
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Old 06-26-2019, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
You're doing great. It's so good that you posted here about your situation. I sure do understand the vulnerability you feel in certain moments and it would be nice to not have any alcohol around. As you said, what you're doing is hard, but you're doing it.

Can you ask your husband to keep the alcohol completely out of sight?
Yeah, I guess I haven’t really had a frank conversation with him about this. I don’t want him to resent the changes in me, so I’ve been hesitant to ask anything of him.
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Old 06-26-2019, 01:07 PM
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I hear you on the meandering conversations. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't. Depends on how relaxed I feel that day. But I really can, sometimes. Maybe you'll get to a point where you can, too.
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Old 06-26-2019, 06:43 PM
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I wish I could catch a buzz and blow off some steam.
Not sure about the buzz, but two things help me blow off steam - playing music and exercise

D
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Old 06-26-2019, 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Mummyto2 View Post
Hi I got to 6 months before and thought I could drink normally, after about a week I was back in that horrible dark place again, you are doing so well don’t ruin it, you may drink sensible for the first time but then it’s a very fast decline, stick with it even when it gets tough, good luck 👍
The same thing for me. Don't do it and you'll so much happier. I went around 8 days and then was like I'm fine. 3 months later I'm back in a dark place feeling like a dirtbag who is always messing up.
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Old 06-26-2019, 08:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Not sure about the buzz, but two things help me blow off steam - playing music and exercise

D
Yeah, music and exercise really help. Also I like listening to podcasts during my walks — usually true crime or paranormal. I guess I enjoy getting creeped out; it gets my mind off things.
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Old 06-27-2019, 06:53 AM
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Bonnie, not sure what podcasts you listen to specifically but I have really enjoyed the following:

The Shrink Next Door
Sword and Scale (pretty hardcore crime so listener discretion is advised)
Dr. Death
Serial Killers
The Dropout
The Band Played On (also some disturbing content)
Sawbones (medical history!!)

Just in case you needed some recs. I love true crime and stuff too. I have a ton of fictional podcasts also if you need new stuff to listen to. Sorry to just butt in but I love podcasts and wanted to share. I think you're doing really well considering your circumstances!
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Old 06-27-2019, 07:44 AM
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dpac, these all sound great! I’ve been running out of stuff to listen to and am looking forward to checking these out. I walk a couple of hours every day so I go through a lot of podcasts. Thanks!
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