NAnewguy

Hi all! New to NA...have 30 days and feeling good. Only concern right now is my sponsor. I don't know if I am overreacting or if it legitimately cause for concern.

I have been working with him for a month. Chose him because he was very kind in one of my first meetings. The issue is this...we met in person for the third time this past Friday. At the beginning of the meeting I talked about being a "caretaker" for others problems/feelings and said how that gets me in trouble. He said I didn't have to worry about care taking him. However, about 15 minutes later he asked me if I could drive him and pick him up from a surgery he was having in 3 weeks. I said I could not. Then towards the end of our meeting he asked if I could come over to his place and type out a legal letter he needs to send to someone...because he cannot type well. I said ok but didn't feel good about the fact that he is asking me for favors.

The other issue is that a decent amount of time in the 3 times we have met have focussed around him and his health/life struggles. While I care about these things it feels strange for me to have to redirect him to the step work I am doing..which he has told me I may need to do because he can sometimes zone out or wander. He has a lot of health issues and economic struggles.

Does this sound off or am I overreacting? I am really motivated to do the step work and am concerned that I will not get much out of working with him in spite of him being kind and caring. He has a lot of clean time and is very active in the fellowship...but I am concerned this is just how he is.

Thanks for any thoughts!

least

I'm not in NA or AA, but I do know that a sponsor's role is to guide you thru the steps. Doing favors for him is not part of your role as his sponsee. I would tell him it makes you uncomfortable when he asks you for favors. See how he reacts to that. Sounds kind of creepy to me.

fini

hi NAnewguy,
i can see why you are concerned; i would be, too.
doesn’t sound like his focus is on “the job”. sounds kinda backwards: usually it is the sponsor 5hat needs to redirect the sponsee to the task at hand, if focus wanders.
yeah, that may well be the way he is, and sounds like not a good fit for getting the work done.

BrianK

If he knows he's prone to mentally wandering I wouldn't be comfortable doing step work with him because they require focus and attention. They help us to uncover our own blind spots, and it takes focus and attention to shine light on the nooks and crannies that our ego doesn't want us to see.

I'm thinking saying something like, "I'd like to pause on the step work (which is true, as far as working with him goes), but I'd still like to stay connected since you're so dedicated to the fellowship." You might find you like helping him here and there and consider it service work. Here's an easy way you can give back to someone who's given a lot, and you don't have to rack your brain about what to do or walk a mental tightrope since it's just doing tasks. Dial down the interaction with him to the level of friendly mentor and find another sponsor to formally work the steps.

Just one possibility among many

Good luck and hope you get a solution soon, and congratulations on getting in to the steps and being serious about it!!!

DriGuy

You could offer to be his sponsor.

NAnewguy

Thanks for all the feedback everyone. My plan is to be more open with him about what I need and see if that has an impact. Will give it another 6 weeks or so and if things are better will make a switch. And if the "favors" continue will consider doing it sooner. Appreciate your thoughts!

djlook

Hello, NAnewguy. Welcome.

I speak only for myself.

I chose my first sponsor because she was a business owner, like myself, at that time. It didn't work out. I chose my second sponsor because she had 30 years in the program. That didn't work out either. I chose my last sponsor because she was happy and loved the program. I could hear from her share that she had worked the steps out of the book. She also shared a lot about her sponsor. She had been sober for eight years when I asked her to help me. I have 21 years of continuous sobriety. I had a lot of respect for that lady and still do today.

My thought is for you to trust your gut instinct. I would feel mighty unsafe if a person I had asked to help me when I was serious about the program told me that their mind wandered or that they spaced out. The most important thing my sponsor did for me was validate my feelings. I had her undivided attention and I knew it. When I read what you said, all kinds of red flags went up. I would never say that to anyone I sponsored, never have and never will.

There were a couple of guys in meetings I used to attend and they sponsored lots of newcomer guys. They had the newcomers washing their boats, painting their houses, fixing stuff, all for free, and I never did think that was right. Bottom line, they were just taking advantage of them.

I helped my sponsor paint the inside of her home, but we had become really good friends and we enjoyed spending time together, after she took me through the steps. She paid me for it, not much, but I accepted the little bit she offered because I realized she needed to do that for herself, and I needed to learn how to accept gifts from other people, graciously.

I agree with your moving on if your relationship continues the way it is. It probably won't take you six weeks to figure it out. I don't think you're overreacting.

Congratulations on 30 days, for attending meetings, and being willing to take directions. Best of luck to you.