ZeroNowhere570

Hello everyone. I haven't posted here in probably 4 years, although nothing has changed much. I am still the daily binge drinker I've always been, just older now (28).

I wanted to re-introduce myself because I believe I'm going to be a regular poster here from now on. The time for me to stop is now while their is still precious time left for me to do so.

A bit of my background; I grew up in an alcoholic household. My grandparents both consumed beer daily, although it was my grandfather who took drinking to the extreme. It was commonplace for me to have to dodge areas of urine soaked carpet and feces had he not made it into the bathroom in time. Im no expert on addiction or what can lead to it but man... that had to have an effect on me growing up.

My two uncles had also lived in the same house (double-block) and both were heavier drinkers. Growing up I hated alcohol, and seeing people in that state always raised the question to me "Why would someone do this to themselves?"

Fast forward, I turned 21 and I was off to the races. I drank every single day, closing the local bar and waking up just a few hours later heading to work reeking of booze. I met a girl shortly after and we're still going, and so is my drinking.

Last Friday night, I went to a local bar with my uncle and got destroyed on tequila. Came home and my girlfriend spilled something on our kitchen table & apologized, I went absolutely psycho and tossed the dinner she was cooking in the garbage, made her cry with hurtful words, and passed out in a heap.

This Friday night, I met up with a female friend whom I've known for 14 years. We were going to have drinks around the fire. I was with my friend, and I had been chugging beers since I got out of work. Everything was fine until she had brought out vodka.

What ensued next has given me extreme waves of guilt. I believe we both made moves in an attempt to sleep with her (again, an engaged women with 4 kids). I am actually not quite sure to be exact, I was completely out of my mind drunk blacked out. I had fallen asleep and woke shortly after still outside by the fire, got on my bike and rode home. I ended up crashing into a car, knocking the side-mirror off with my body.

I came home, attempting to carry my bike up 2 flights of steps, ended up falling down them an into the side of my girlfriends car, leaving two nasty areas of scratches. She has since forgiven me, but I haven't forgiven myself. What an embarrassment I have become. How did I get this far off the path?

I am a completely responsible, good-hearted young man with morals when I am sober. When I am drunk, all of that disappears and the person you get is a crap-shoot. I hope to god I am not too far gone. I hope to god I can stay sober, and learn to accept the things I've done while inebriated. I hope I can be the loving partner mine is to me.

BrianK

I don't think you're too far gone, and it sounds like you're putting your hope in the right Person! For me it was a question of what else I was willing to lose. I haven't lost it all, and don't want to. Sounds like you're in a similar situation.

Glad you're here and looking forward to seeing you more in the threads!

Dee74

Welcome back ZN

One of the great benefits of recovery to me is I act according to my character now, not against it

I'm really glad you made it back and to hear you'll be posting regularly

D

Anna

Welcome back,

And, you can be the person you want to be. It sounds like you're ready to make sobriety work for you. You don't have to feel this kind of shame again.

Maudcat

Hi, ZeroNowhere.
Yah, time to quit.
How about finding a way forward with a program?
AA, therapy, Smart Recovery.
There are many programs out there that can help.
Go find one. You will be glad you did.

Toughroad1209