Advice needed please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 829
Advice needed please
Hi all I'm day 55 today
My 2 daughters are going on holiday together today. They have asked my husband for a lift to the airport.
Both no longer live at home.
My youngest, who is 22 came over last Sunday as it was fathers day. She only stayed about an hour and ignored me. My husband did say something to her when I left the room. This is all due to my drinking I know. She hasn't lived at home though for 4 years so hasn't seen me in a state should we say for a long time.
My husband says we will both go to the airport but I don't know whether to or not. I cried after she left last week.
My eldest daughter is fine with me, although I know I have a long road ahead of me.
The thing is when my youngest daughter came out gay at 16 my husband couldn't handle it and was awful. I was going to leave my marriage to support her. I wasn't drinking really heavily then and she, as she should really needed me to be there and support her. And I did as her mum.
Fast forward and I don't know what to do.
Do I deserve to be ignored? Should I not go to the airport? I want to see my eldest daughter though before she goes.
Sorry
My 2 daughters are going on holiday together today. They have asked my husband for a lift to the airport.
Both no longer live at home.
My youngest, who is 22 came over last Sunday as it was fathers day. She only stayed about an hour and ignored me. My husband did say something to her when I left the room. This is all due to my drinking I know. She hasn't lived at home though for 4 years so hasn't seen me in a state should we say for a long time.
My husband says we will both go to the airport but I don't know whether to or not. I cried after she left last week.
My eldest daughter is fine with me, although I know I have a long road ahead of me.
The thing is when my youngest daughter came out gay at 16 my husband couldn't handle it and was awful. I was going to leave my marriage to support her. I wasn't drinking really heavily then and she, as she should really needed me to be there and support her. And I did as her mum.
Fast forward and I don't know what to do.
Do I deserve to be ignored? Should I not go to the airport? I want to see my eldest daughter though before she goes.
Sorry
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Hi Pinky, if it was me I would definitely go to the airport. As you say, you want to see your eldest daughter before she goes and I guess the truth is you want to see your youngest daughter too but you don't want to be ignored by her again. My advice would be to go, be cheerful, wish them both a wonderful holiday, hug whoever wants a hug and don't take anything too personally. Your youngest daughter is only 22, there's lots of time for you to strengthen your relationship with her. Try not to make this about you .... I say that with love. This is about you seeing them off and wishing them a great time. And how wonderful that 2 sisters want to go on holiday together btw! That's awesome. If you go, stay calm and be cheerful, your youngest daughter can leave with positive thoughts about you. Give her time. Stay sober, be consistent and let her see that you want... more than anything.... to rebuild your relationship with her. Good luck xxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,152
I doubt that you deserve to be ignored. If it is about your drinking, it may take time for your daughter to see you in a new light. She may have gotten so used to you drinking, that she can't see any other possible way for now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 162
Honestly, I think this is more difficult than anything else you have to deal with in recovery. Family should come around. And you should definitely do as people say here and go and farewell your daughters. They need to adjust to your sobriety as much as much as you do. It will take them time just as it will with you.
However, with former friends, colleagues etc. There is that terrible feeling that those bridges are burned forever because the opportunity to prove yourself to them may simply never arise.
However, with former friends, colleagues etc. There is that terrible feeling that those bridges are burned forever because the opportunity to prove yourself to them may simply never arise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 829
Thank you for your replies.
I went to the airport as suggested. They came to ours first as my youngest wanted to leave her car on our drive whilst she was away. My husband asked whose car are we going in before they got to our house. I said mine and I will drive so that's what we did.
She was fine and spoke. My husband did his "group hug" at the airport and I wasn't pushed out. They did say to him we're not a close enough family for that. He just replied, well you're not going until I get we have a group hug and just made light of it
8 weeks sober tomorrow
I went to the airport as suggested. They came to ours first as my youngest wanted to leave her car on our drive whilst she was away. My husband asked whose car are we going in before they got to our house. I said mine and I will drive so that's what we did.
She was fine and spoke. My husband did his "group hug" at the airport and I wasn't pushed out. They did say to him we're not a close enough family for that. He just replied, well you're not going until I get we have a group hug and just made light of it
8 weeks sober tomorrow
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,344
I'm really glad you went Pinky 
I dunno about you but sometimes I felt so guilty about my years of drinking I assumed everyone else thought lowly of me too - and, altho some people were mad at me, many others were not...eventually time healed those wounds.
D
I dunno about you but sometimes I felt so guilty about my years of drinking I assumed everyone else thought lowly of me too - and, altho some people were mad at me, many others were not...eventually time healed those wounds.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,278
It's good that you went. Time will be the healer here. Give her time and space .
I had a similar situation with my daughter. She's 24. She lives in another province and when we saw her once while attending a function in that province, her dad suggested that I visit her in the future to help out with her garden - well, she said in no uncertain terms that I was not welcome.
That was 10 months ago. Things have changed so much. She has been home to visit a few times, is in contact with me every few days, asks my advice, and is asking when I am coming for a girly visit with her.
We had a talk a while ago and she explained to me how she felt while I was drinking. I think it is very important to hear them out - when they are ready - and to admit to the damage you have done. It is important both for their healing and yours.
But, bottom line is, give it a little time, she will come around once she sees you are committed and she can trust you once again. Daughters need their mothers, but they also need to work through their feelings and emotions, because we have broken their trust , big time.
I had a similar situation with my daughter. She's 24. She lives in another province and when we saw her once while attending a function in that province, her dad suggested that I visit her in the future to help out with her garden - well, she said in no uncertain terms that I was not welcome.
That was 10 months ago. Things have changed so much. She has been home to visit a few times, is in contact with me every few days, asks my advice, and is asking when I am coming for a girly visit with her.
We had a talk a while ago and she explained to me how she felt while I was drinking. I think it is very important to hear them out - when they are ready - and to admit to the damage you have done. It is important both for their healing and yours.
But, bottom line is, give it a little time, she will come around once she sees you are committed and she can trust you once again. Daughters need their mothers, but they also need to work through their feelings and emotions, because we have broken their trust , big time.
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