Feeling so many things
 

I go through a lot of different feelings throughout the day. Some of them I accept as warranted and reasonable while others I do not. I have been going through a great deal of self inquiry in an attempt to find out who I really am. Not the things I like or the way I dress or the color of my skin or the archetypal category I fit into. I mean who I really am, who hears the things I hear and thinks the thoughts I think. Why do I feel those things? Why don’t I feel those things? To what extent does my ego distort reality and to what extent does reality distort my ego? There is an ultimate truth I believe, then there is the truth as we perceive it individually. Where do they meet? Can I undo my anxiety and anger by practicing compassion in everything? Is true forgiveness and untethered love the only thing that will keep me on the straight and narrow? My own feelings of jealousy or anger cause me pain to a noticeable degree now. I wish to undo that pain. I want only to be satisfied with what I have and feel happy for others who have what I perceive to be “more” than what I possess. But there is so much
”I” in my mind still. I don’t want to be concerned with me anymore. I want to transcend. I want to move with purpose in a way that isn’t forced or predetermined, to do what is right and think what is right in spite of anything and to be grateful in failure as well as victory.
What is it...where do I find a lasting peace that I can aspire to embody? That I can exist within and make a part of everything that is what I am?
Sobriety, I know, is a stepping stone to these ideals I strive to envelop. But in striving...am I missing the bigger picture? We must try in ordered to succeed. But I believe that we are all inherently perfect just as we are. It’s not that we need to learn how to be...it’s that we need to remember how to be. As a child I never did drugs or drank and I was incredibly happy. How is it I knew something back then that I don’t know now?....
in any case I’m just thinking out loud.

An ultimate truth? I don't see it. At least not for me. For me the goal is to move in a positive direction. Progress not perfection.

If you aren't sober, start there. Nothing makes sense until you have some time under your belt.

If you have been sober since your DUI in May, it hasn't been long enough. Time. Patience.

Listen to your higher self, each day, and do the next right thing. That can be as simple as cleaning or getting some exercise...or helping another person.

I recently read The Wisdom of the Enneagram, and there's some great videos about it on youtube by Richard Rohr. 4 vids; 2 hours each. Your questions in your OP reminded me very much of the things this book and videos address.

Just a passing thought from a passerby :) Peace to you!!!

Wow! No one can accuse you of not thinking enough, and you outlined a laudable mission, but while I was reading your post, I was thinking, "Hey, WhatsDone, slow down and just take on a few things at a time. Maybe only one thing at a time. Keep in mind that not all the questions you ask may have answers, and you have to live with that much of the time.

We all have ego issues. The nature of sentient life is that everything we perceive and react to goes through our brains, not some collective consciousness. We are literally at the center of everything around us so yes, we are egocentric by evolution or design. It's probably not the ideal, and it certainly causes us grief, but it's who we are. We try and temper it as best we can, but none of us will ever be perfect.

As for ultimate truths, the finest philosophical minds haven't figured that out, and they've been working on it since Plato, so don't expect to figure it all out overnight.

As AAPJ said: "An ultimate truth? I don't see it. At least not for me. For me the goal is to move in a positive direction. Progress not perfection. " And you've got your whole life to work on it, and you're not going to complete it, even if you live hundreds of years, so slow down and enjoy the journey.

It's good to have you here.