andyh

Happy Solstice

andyh

and Happy Two Years of abstinence to me

Dee74

Congrats Andy

I'm not afraid of relapse. If I should ever get the urge to drink again, I have a whole mental list of things do instead of drinking again.

The urge to drink is no longer powerful enough for me to derail my life/future.
Its a good place to be

D

Mags1

Congratulations on 2 years Andy!

Mags1

Dee, it’s a good place to be! I feel I’m there, I have my ‘tools’ if ever the urge to drink came.
I never want to forget how it was though, and how it is now. I have a life now, not just an existence.

Kaily

Congrats Andy

PhoenixJ

congrats Andy

STDragon

Congratulations Andy!

Happy summer solstice to all northerners!

Hawkeye13

Well done andyh

theVman31

Nice job Andy.
Salutations weekenders

Della1968

Congratulations Andy!!

Atlast9999

DriGuy

Everyone's bottom is a personal thing, and there is no specific event one has to experience that constitutes a bottom. It's just the point at which you turn it around. My bottom was a lot higher than some others, which is similar to your situation. I've heard people like us referred to as "high bottom" drunks. But no matter where you turn it around, high or low, there is always a chance you could drink again, and go even lower. In that way, I don't think that a low bottom drunk has any better chance of not drinking again, on the grounds that his bottom was lower. In fact, such people may be at greater risk.

I experienced that fear early on, even after I was consciously sure I wasn't going to drink again. In fact, I hung onto it as a tool to help keep me sober. And while that fear did eventually leave me, I have never forgotten how miserable my "high" bottom was. You got to a point where you were sick of being sick. I personally don't think that's going to fade from your memory.

There is a plus side to losing the fear. At least this is how I view it. While fear is a strong motivator, it's still fear, and as you pointed out, you can't predict the future, so this fear is a fear of the unknown, which makes it somewhat irrational. I don't think living the rest of your life with a fear like that is actually healthy, even if you're currently using it to keep you sober. Since that fear will fade eventually, you have to switch to rational logic instead relying on a negative emotion to stay sober. Emotional judgments aren't that trustworthy anyway. And I think logic beats emotion any day of the week in decision making. This means that every time a drinking thought surfaces, you will need to play it forward, starting with the premise that you are an alcoholic and alcoholics can never drink without serious risk. Much of this switch to the logical safety net is going to happen naturally, but it doesn't hurt to concentrate on it in the beginning. Logic is probably the most powerful tool I have in my box. Some people here call it "playing it forward". Playing it backward makes sense, too. Just keep in mind the outcome.

I don't think you're going to forget this. You're biggest danger is in ignoring it.

Exactly. Vigilance cannot be overstated.

This makes it seem like more work than it always will be. You're right that focusing on these issues will be unavoidable, and even more important, NECESSARY, at least early on. But eventually the voice disappears too as not drinking becomes as normal as breathing. Really, eventually you won't have to put in so much effort. Not drinking becomes the unconscious default response, and as it does, the voice fades. And before you get to that point you will start noticing that the little voice is no longer a terrifying jump scare, but a laughable insane thought. You know... like having some crazy thought pop into your head that is so dumb that it makes you chuckle.

They all sound perfectly normal to me, even the ones I think are unfounded fears. I've had them.

biminiblue

andyh, I love that gif.

Two !! Well done, you.

Take. That. AV.

Hawkeye13

DriGuy, you post was incredibly helpful to me this morning.
I also was a so-called "high bottom drunk" who managed to keep up social appearances though my drinking was steadily getting worse at home.

Because of that, I kept the dream alive of one day being able to "have a few" but just like dpac, I would be back to getting as wasted or more wasted then before, except for me, the amounts had gotten much smaller. This I think was part of the progression of the physical toll drinking had taken over the years, though I outwardly was fit and able to work hard and play hard.

The last relapses I had really brought this home to me--my body started having almost an allergic response to alcohol. I would get a red face rash, rough skin, and two large strong cans of beer would do the same damage as the better part of a fifth of vodka used to do.

There is no "normal" drinking for me ever again. But you are right in that when I had nearly two years of sobriety, I barely thought about drinking. At all. It was wonderful.

I had shifted into seeing myself a sober person instead of a drinker. That's been happening again now that I'm getting further from the relapses and stepping up to the reality that the party continues, but sans alcohol.

Yes, I'm still getting those occasional strong waves to just have a couple, but I know if I can push that away and play out the tape, the next urge will be weaker and easier to overcome, and that eventually I can be back in the mindset of one who chooses not to drink, not a person who "can't drink".

A big difference in semantic agency for me that's important. I'm like a piece of string--I can pull myself anywhere but simply can't be pushed

Have a great day everyone!

biminiblue

Sorry, I know we're on to serious topics, but are cats right handed?? err...right pawed?

MLD51

This is so interesting - many many good points have been made.

I no longer actually fear that I'm going to relapse. I feel like I have a pretty good toolbox, and I have gotten through some really rough stuff in the past few years, sober, so I feel like I can handle any challenges that may come my way. Early on, though, I was terrified I'd drink again. The thought of going back to that hell could literally make me cry. I had seen so many people go back to drinking or using drugs after a period of sobriety, and it very rarely ended in anything other than a swan dive right back to where they were. I used that fear as a pretty effective tool for a while, and it did help.

But I didn't want to live in fear forever. As DriGuy said, living in fear is unhealthy. I think most if not all of us, if we do the work, get to a point where it's not a fear anymore. I don't know exactly when I got to that point, maybe after about 2 years? It's different for everyone. Having said that, I am forever vigilant. Like DriGuy, I also prefer to use logic now. I know what happens when I drink, I don't want those things to happen again, so I don't drink. Period.

And also - the semantic shift Hawkeye mentioned is so important to me. Early on I thought of myself as a person who can't drink ever again, and that felt like punishment. Now, I'm a person who chooses not to drink, because my life is better than I ever thought it could be, and I'd like to keep that going. Might seem subtle, but the day I came to that realization, it hit me like a ton of bricks and my whole outlook shifted.

Mags1

Bim, I think they’re ambidextrous!

PhoenixJ

I read on facebook (I subscribe to a LOT of affirmation stuff) that noted 'we are what we eat', meaning it is not just the food- but the lifestyle we have as well.
That is how I see my recovery- well, everything...it is all about how I live my life..so a relapse would be much more than just drinking, it would indicate something fundamentally screwy going on in all aspects of my life.

I sometimes pretend I am a pissed off family member demanding of me 'how do we know you will not drink again?'.....to which my reply - well- I died 3 times, have this disfigured body, my health is ruined, and I lost everything- that is a big motivator. BUT in my everyday life- I have to make sure I am flexible, accept, let go and stay sober- because if I relapse, I die.

A big stick, but vital to me.

Canadian Koala

Congrats on TWO YEARS Andyh!