more complicated.
 

Hi, I have just come back in to my flat, I decided I would go see my 'sort-of girlfriend'. I know I should stay away from bars, but I have a choice to drink... and I choose not! So... I go and find her, it was not hard,, and she is SO drunk she hardly seems to know who I am. And I feel so mixed up... is like I love and hate her both at the same time. She has guys near her buying drinks i think. When I am there they go away, I suppose because I am very big (physical) guy...It is just the way I was born, but honestly ? - I am soft as .... , if you understand. And I know I am a really nice guy. and I honestly get scared of violence, but I can LOOK the part, and usually it does not need anything more than this to sort a situaton, SO I am alone at the bar with Marina and she hardly recognises me. And I am feeling so sad and also upset because I can still see a lovely girl in her, it is tragic - I would give anything for her to stop drinking. I have a diet coke in my hand, and then her 'friend' arrives (who I have never seen before) and SHE 'hits' on me... I think this is the right words (I am not american, but I think you understand this) , And I give her my number and now she texts saying we could meet up next weekend. So I think 'why not?' but part of this is because she knows M. I suppose it is because I am lonely that I went for this, But i have not had a (alcoholic) drink. I am really worried about being close with anyone. I also dont know why I am posting here, but also I am so lonely, would be so nice to meet someone who is just okay, And as an alcoholic I now understand that you are the only people who can understand me. I also think I fall 'in love' too easy. Story of my tragic life.....

Sounds like a dangerous situation. You're fighting to stay sober, you have a complicated relationship with "M", and when she finds out her friend hit on you and you met with her, it's only going to make things more complicated.

I would respectfully suggest telling her friend you're sorting some things out right now, you really appreciate the compliment, but need at least a couple weeks to let things settle down. If she's really interested in you she'll understand. If she isn't patient or respectful enough to allow you to put your life in better order, it's a good thing you didn't get more involved.

Just my opinion. I haven't been on a date in 15 years and don't plan to start anytime soon, so take it for what it's worth :)

I think it sounds like a dangerous situation, too, CG. You're dealing with Marina and her friend. And, while you have every right to go out with her friend, it could cause quite an explosion in your life. As Brian suggested, maybe step back for a few weeks and then decide what you want to do. I understand that you're lonely and are looking for companionship, but I hope you can protect your recovery while doing so. :)

I think these things are as complicated as we make them. Being in recovery but going round bars looking for a gf who is so drunk she barely recognises you and then being given the come on by her friend seems pretty unhealthy behaviour.

You deserve so much better. I don't think we meet suitable life partners drunk in bars and clubs. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't even recognise you or someone who hits onto her friend,s man.

Thanks Brian.
Yes, I guess to go with her friend could get complcated. Also, to be honest I would really like to meet someone on the same 'wave' about life. Not just one-night-stand if you understand. I have done this too much, in the end you just feel like rubbish, I think maybe her friend feels that maybe she feels good that she can 'steal' her friends boyfriend, maybe I an wrong, but I never met her before so she knows nothing about me, so I think it is just 'shallow' ???
But you say you have never been on date for 15years? wow!- this is really to blow my mind. I want to ask 'why?' but I will not because that is too personal amd maybe you are a deep spiritual person ? maybe you have been hurt too much ? I am guessing and I really dont want to intrude, but I suppose I just want a normal life, whatever that is.

I share about my lack of dating life so I don't come off as knowing all about dating advice. Simply put, I was married for a couple years, neither of us had a spiritual life, and I've spent the last 15 years drinking on and off, trying to find my career path and my place in the world. I'm not ruling out finding someone, but I'm leaving it to God to make it clear, and becoming more accepting if it doesn't.

No problem with asking about it..I offered the info in the first place :)

thanks Brian. I really apprecite your replying. I have never been married, I think mybe if I met the right girl, who thinks like me (and enjoys metal music, festivals and motorcycles,,, ha ha )... then maybe all the pieces of my jig-saw life would fall into place. So I keep hoping. And I know I am a really nice guy. I hope that does not sound too much ego, but this is really true, I never wanted to hurt anyone in my life, truly. i just have dream that maybe I meet this girl and I will look after her, even lie my life down if I had too, And then maybe life would be so nice, to have 100% trust in another person. This is my dream I suppose, Maybe Im too much of a dreamer.

and I am a damn good cook !!! really!

Well, that certainly is an asset that can make the ladies swoon!

CG, I completely understand what you are saying. I'm in a somewhat lonely place myself, having moved to a different part of the country a year ago where I didn't know a soul.
You've expressed your dilemma quite well, and you know where the pitfalls are. If this would be anybody but the friend of you drinking buddy I'd say go for it and just stay aware that you are mostly driven by loneliness. But this combo is an almost guaranteed recipe for disaster, *especially* since you describe yourself as a nice guy (which I have no doubt you are). Nice guys tend to want to do damage control when things go pear shaped and this situation will. You will hurt people (3 to be exact) and you yourself the worst. You'll put yourself into severe danger of drinking again and you'll end up lonely on top of this.
Also, what are the odds that this girlfriend of your buddy will want to support your sobriety? After all, you met in a bar... I don't know. And would she want to stay friends with your on-off drinking partner?

I want to say that what's going through your mind is absolutely normal but just can't produce a tenable situation. Easy for me to say, I know - I deal with being on my own reasonably well and still feel the sting. If you do go ahead and call her you've got to brace yourself for the moment it all implodes, and surviving that would mean for you to be not so nice, which is against your nature. Could you deal with that?

I think you need to focus on your recovery right now.

Like most of us in early recovery, it sounds like you're a bit all over the place emotionally - that's not a good time to start any kind of relationship no matter how casual.

I know you want to fix your life right now and having girlfrieds seems like a great way to do that - but it's the same kind of easy fix solution that got us dinking.

Have the courage to work on yourself for a few months CG - you won't regret it :)

D

Hi, CG. You did explain yourself and your situation well, and I think you're right about many of the people on this site understanding things in a way that some people can't.

It is hard to feel lonely, especially when we have the added brain changes of early sobriety, but I have to agree with others. Now may not be the best time.
I'd also like to add that hitting on a friend's man or even someone they used to date, does not show good character.
Doing something now that brings more confusion to your life doesn't seem like a good idea to me.
keep posting. We are here to support you!

Hi Confused,

I’m another one who thinks this situation is a dangerous one. Give yourself some time to get comfortable with you in recovery, and then start going places where you might meet someone with similar interests.

I can understand the being lonely piece, but you don’t want to get into a situation that causes drama.

Work on your own life and recovery first. Do what's best for your well being. I wouldn't suggest hanging out in bars either.

This morning it seems stupid to be 'hanging out' in bars, with or without drink. And so Im going to stay away from M, and her friend. It all seems a lot clearer today. Bars = trouble, with or without drink. I think the atmosphere from there has made me a bit uneasy today. Oh well... on we go.

I just send text saying 'This is not a good idea' etc. etc. - maybe I should change my name to 'Stupid Guy'. I really need to sort out me, and stay away from drinking people.
Thanks.

Avoid bars. Avoid relationships.

What are things to do in early sobriety Alex?

That. And, I do know it's hard and confusing - and- but truly, it was those things at the time because I made them so by my choices to self-inflict v self-care, to mangle words.

Sobriety first, then clarity, then increasingly better decisions. I became someone deserving of good things and people as I became a good person who lived a good life myself. You can, too.

Well, it's good that you woke up and have a clearer vision about this. As ReadyAtLast pointed out, these things can be as complicated as we want to make them. From an outsider's view, it doesn't look complicated. But the situation did make for an interesting read.

Hey ConfusedGuy, you're sounding not so confused with this.

Probably best to let M and her friend go for now, focus on yourself. You're no good to anyone drunk or dead. Can you join a gym or something? You can meet people there, and it keeps you out of the bar.

ConfusedGuy, what's up? Doing ok?