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Old 06-14-2019, 05:47 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Hassled by an AA member


This person has sent me inspirational quotes every two days for the past two months. I only met her a couple of times because we don't attend the same meetings.

Recently she has been using tactics which I find rather annoying. Example , she asked me if she may have seen me at a certain meeting last week. Clearly not because I wasn't there.


This morning she texted me to say it would be good to see me at meetings so that I have what "she has".

I told her that I am attending AA meetings on a regular basis, just not her homegroup obviously.

How do I tell her politely to bugger off and leave me in peace?
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Old 06-14-2019, 05:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I had a guy hounding me once...and I pulled him aside....face to face..and said listen...I am flattered that you seem to care about me and are drawn to helping me...however, I am here to FOCUS on myself...and I really need to keep that focus...I made a decision that this time in AA ....I was going to keep my distance from all people of the opposite sex and concentrate on my program....

He took it well and stopped bothering me....even stopped trying to talk to me every time he saw me.
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Old 06-14-2019, 06:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Politely remind her that your program is yours and hers is hers. It's really none of her business. The fact that she has the stones to tell you that you should want what "she has" is a major red flag. If that doesn't do the trick, simply tell her you'd appreciate it if she worrried about her side of the street, not yours.
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Old 06-14-2019, 06:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Misssy2 View Post
I had a guy hounding me once...and I pulled him aside....face to face..and said listen...I am flattered that you seem to care about me and are drawn to helping me...however, I am here to FOCUS on myself...and I really need to keep that focus...I made a decision that this time in AA ....I was going to keep my distance from all people of the opposite sex and concentrate on my program....

He took it well and stopped bothering me....even stopped trying to talk to me every time he saw me.
Good for you...think I will have the same approach in the future as I don't believe everyone is there to genuine help. Some of them are just plain needy
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Old 06-14-2019, 06:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Politely remind her that your program is yours and hers is hers. It's really none of her business. The fact that she has the stones to tell you that you should want what "she has" is a major red flag. If that doesn't do the trick, simply tell her you'd appreciate it if she worrried about her side of the street, not yours.
Its odd how she thinks that I have opted out of AA just because I don't go to her homegroup.

But yes I will tell her next time
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Old 06-14-2019, 06:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Always best to be straight up and honest in my experience. Tell her to stop messaging you 🙏
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Occasionally I find it necessary to let other people know what is on my mind because after all none of us are mind readers. When I do get to that point, I just try to make sure that I don't give them a piece of mind, but give them a peace of my mind instead. Honesty is the best policy for me as long as it doesn't stray into brutal honesty. :~)
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:28 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm confused. How does she have your contact information? I've never been asked to provide mine at an AA meeting. Is this common in other regions than mine?

And couldn't you just block her?
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:43 AM   #9 (permalink)
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A fairly similar situation happened to me recently. I went along to a meeting I don't normally go to, and was immediately pounced on by another woman convinced I needed her help. I'm not normally given to hyperbole, but this wasn't a greeting, or fellowship, it was a pounce. Even though it was another woman, I felt uneasy and uncomfortable, it was beyond what would have been needed to support a newcomer, and it was not welcoming. It was odd.

She did not leave me alone the whole meeting. It was not attraction rather than promotion, it felt more like being interrogated. At the end of the meeting, she asked if I wanted her number, and I said thank-you but no, as I was unlikely to make use of it.

We are not obliged to give our contact details to anyone who asks us simply because they are in an AA meeting. Yes, I am responsible, but I can go through channels like a 12 step list, the official AA phone helplines if I need numbers to call, and I can wait to develop contacts in a home group that you trust.

I don't really have any advice about what to do now the situation has arisen. If it were me, I would ignore her messages if they were overly frequent, or felt intrusive. If they didn't, and it took me 30 seconds to say something kind and non-committal, then I may respond on that basis. But I'd definitely be careful who I shared my contact details with in the future.
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:47 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I agree with everyone else. There's nothing wrong with drawing boundaries and protecting your sobriety at all costs. Best to nip this one in the bud, I think.
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:47 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Always best to be straight up and honest in my experience. Tell her to stop messaging you 🙏
Thank you for your reply. Honesty is the best policy
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:47 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Occasionally I find it necessary to let other people know what is on my mind because after all none of us are mind readers. When I do get to that point, I just try to make sure that I don't give them a piece of mind, but give them a peace of my mind instead. Honesty is the best policy for me as long as it doesn't stray into brutal honesty. :~)
Totally agree not to be unkind. She means well but doesnít understand boundaries
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:51 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical View Post
I'm confused. How does she have your contact information? I've never been asked to provide mine at an AA meeting. Is this common in other regions than mine?

And couldn't you just block her?
i live in the UK and itís very common to exchange numbers . I probably have about 15 AA numbers in my phone but most of them donít contact me on a daily basis.

If she carries on being persistently after my last message then yes I will block her. I just didnít want an awkward atmosphere in case I bump into her again at a future meeting
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:55 AM   #14 (permalink)
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A fairly similar situation happened to me recently. I went along to a meeting I don't normally go to, and was immediately pounced on by another woman convinced I needed her help. I'm not normally given to hyperbole, but this wasn't a greeting, or fellowship, it was a pounce. Even though it was another woman, I felt uneasy and uncomfortable, it was beyond what would have been needed to support a newcomer, and it was not welcoming. It was odd.

She did not leave me alone the whole meeting. It was not attraction rather than promotion, it felt more like being interrogated. At the end of the meeting, she asked if I wanted her number, and I said thank-you but no, as I was unlikely to make use of it.

We are not obliged to give our contact details to anyone who asks us simply because they are in an AA meeting. Yes, I am responsible, but I can go through channels like a 12 step list, the official AA phone helplines if I need numbers to call, and I can wait to develop contacts in a home group that you trust.

I don't really have any advice about what to do now the situation has arisen. If it were me, I would ignore her messages if they were overly frequent, or felt intrusive. If they didn't, and it took me 30 seconds to say something kind and non-committal, then I may respond on that basis. But I'd definitely be careful who I shared my contact details with in the future.
My sponsor pounced on me too..and she was very quick to dump me too. So lesson learnt there. But this particular woman seemed very kind..itís hard to tell how a person is at the beginning .

Anyway I sent her a text message so hopefully she will back off
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Old 06-14-2019, 08:03 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I agree with everyone else. There's nothing wrong with drawing boundaries and protecting your sobriety at all costs. Best to nip this one in the bud, I think.
I told her that I am attending alot of meetings and very happy with my progress in AA.

Do you think this message will stop her hassling me? I donít mind if she just sends quotes ..
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Old 06-14-2019, 08:17 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I told her that I am attending alot of meetings and very happy with my progress in AA.

Do you think this message will stop her hassling me? I donít mind if she just sends quotes ..
If you tell someone to stop contacting you and they keep doing it, then why not just block them or ignore them?

You told her to stop? I would wait and see what happens, but she probably will. I'm sure she was trying to "help" but each person has a different definition of help.

AA has as one of its basic tenets to help the newcomer. Seems like this kind of thing should be expected in that setting.
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Old 06-14-2019, 08:18 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Maybe she thinks she is helping. she won't know shes annoying you unless you tell her, though I agree this can be done diplomatically and with kindness.

Maybe text something like 'thanks for your concern. but I'm happy with the way I'm doing things. I will contact you in the future if I need your help but for now I'm happy doing things the way I'm doing them'
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Old 06-14-2019, 08:22 AM   #18 (permalink)
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There are people like that in all walks of life- AA meetings, the workplace, school boards, churches, nosy neighbors, you name it. Setting boundaries is very important and it sound like that is what you are planning on doing so good for your.
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Old 06-14-2019, 08:28 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Quote:
Do you think this message will stop her hassling me?
Probably not, perhaps include this
Quote:
I donít mind if she just sends quotes ..
and say that anything beyond that you are finding to be a bit intrusive and so until you can figure out why you are reacting this way perhaps it is best that she not not to poke the dog with a stick. :~)
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Old 06-14-2019, 08:41 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Don't all those quotes take up lots of space on
one's phone? Yes, quotes are nice thoughts and
reminders to help us in recovery, but, for me, I
wouldn't want quotes tying up space on my phone.

If I want quotes, id get them myself and have
them available on my computer, or books. That
way, I did the footwork searching for what is best
for my own personal recovery. My own personal
quotes.

No more quote sending cancels unnecessary
communication or annoyance. Peace of mind
and taking responsibility for one's own recovery
and sobriety.

Just my own thoughts passing on your way.
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