The obsession
 

It’s crazy to think how much I let drinking become so much of my sense of self!
I know many people tried to keep their addiction under wraps, but I was so deluded that I thought my love affair with booze was something to show off. I identified as a drunk and I let almost anyone I met know it. T-shirt’s, music, keychains - all about alcohol.
People I met who didn’t abuse alcohol were the weird ones, and I felt an instant connection with those who did. Talk about the insanity of our disease!

Not once during college did I make plans with friends that didn’t involve drinking. I felt if our hangout wasn’t spent in my room drinking until we puked, no one would want to see me :rolleyes2

Even now I feel as if a huge part of what makes me who I am is missing. But I realize that part was consuming the things I like about myself, and if I didn’t stop there wouldn’t be anything left. My alcoholic behavior DOES NOT make me an interesting and cool person, and nobody wants to make plans with someone who doesnt remember their names because they blacked out!

When I quit drinking I found, over time, I started to remember a me I'd forgotten about - a me who didn't rely on drugs or drink and who didn't need to get smashed - the real me :)

I'm sure you'll find your real you too, Kevin. :)

D

I can empathize! Alcohol was everything once; I organized my life around it.

I still don't fully understand why people drink other than to get drunk. I would rather of had a lemonade than one glass of wine. :dunno:

Towards the end I managed to involve alcohol in virtually all of my non-work activities.

I still struggle to be more low-key when I interact with people. And so many new friends I've made are amazingly positive toward me after just simple small-talk. I finally realized that most people are naturally kind and positive at their deepest level, and all these masks and shows and "quick-witted one-liners" and other nonsense just hide our true selves. I have to concentrate on sharing my real thoughts versus tweaking what I say to get a specific response from the person. It's getting better, but it still takes effort. I admire more and more the people who can just Be who they are, whatever the situation.

It's amazing how much energy goes into creating some artificial persona that we show the world and hope it tells us we're "ok".

It’s what we were how lived and how I was identified. Alcohol was a factor in every decision I made. All my bar t shirts and other swag are gone. I must have thrown away 50 t shirts and other stuff.

The good news is that you are here and you understand that type of thinking is not "normal" (then again, what is normal?). Good people here will help you out.

I also identified as the party drunk back in the day as a preemptive strike. I'd be the guy telling jokes, telling stories from my drunken escapades and while my friends would be laughing I would be miserable on the inside. I hated the person I was but didn't know how to get out.

Since it was glaringly obvious that I had a problem I embraced that persona in the hopes that nobody would know just how empty I was on the inside.

Some people try to disguise their addiction as a hobby or a legitimate past-time. I've noticed this is especially true for women in my demographic (30-50 year olds) and it always has wine as the headliner. Every "vacation" is spent drinking their way through various wineries. There are also make-up and wine pairing parties (I kid you not!). How ridiculous is that?!? Give me one logical explanation as to how wine and make-up pair together? It's so dumb! I've also see Botox and wine parties, because nothing sounds more legit than having someone inject your face with botulinum toxin while being under the influence. It's madness!