2muchpain

No I don't and that bothers me a lot. I've tried many things to stay sober, going to AA meetings, staying busy, planning my day to help with structure, checking in with SR, exercising, etc.
TI had around three years sobriety a long time ago, but that was when I had family and friends around to support me That along with AA and group and individual therapy and of course working out was why I did so well. The family support eventually ended and my insurance will only cover so much therapy.
As some people here know, I'm on my own now with no outside support and that's the problem. It would make all the difference if thee were people that would call or drop by to see how I'm doing, but that isn't gonna happen. Right now, if I can't get and stay sober on my own it is gonna happen long term. John

mariposa

Dee74

Hi John

I think if you make your recovery conditional - like you need people to come round and check on you and encourage you to stay sober- you're giving yourself a big 'out clause' there.

When people let you down it's almost giving you permission to drink.

I really think you need to change that.

What happened for me was I had no real world support - but I used SR - I got sober and I stayed that way...I dealt with problems...I got interested in things again and I got out of my house and I started to connect with people again... and life got better.

Theses days I have people around me - as much as I want (sometimes I prefer some solitude )

but they're not there to police my recovery - my recovery has nothing to do with them being there or not - they're just there as a natural consequence of me building a sober life I love?

D

August252015

John, so glad you are back and sober. I did the cold turkey thing and I'm glad I did it that way, but it was brutal.

I really, really, REALLY have ditto every single thing Dee said.

I have a friend who is a lot like you describe yourself- if people were around, if they or that or....and just had a conversation with him about how he's still making things conditional, and still drinking, and keeps trying to change the scenery but "needs" others to really stop. I just can't view recovery that way, for me - and most folks I see get and stay sober have to figure out the difference between self-accountability and support.

I hope you consider making SR a plan or I'd say even better adding an IRL component. Especially if you are by yourself, making a habit of AA meetings, say one a day, at least put you "around" humans for a small amount of time.

Stay sober and with us.

2muchpain

I understand what you are saying Dee but don't most people look for outside help to get sober? If getting and staying sober was just an inside job, then why do people bother to go to AA meetings, or see an addiction therapist? Aren't they looking for outside help to get sober? I admire people that can get sober on there own with no outside support, but I doubt that is common. Many people here on SR say they are on their own when it comes to getting sober, but mention family or friends that they interact with. That alone is support even if it is not directly connected to their sobriety. Frankly, I think its close to a miracle that people are able to get sober on there own. I just don't think it happens very often. Dee, I'll bet even you had some people you interacted with even though they weren't part of your sobriety. John

boreas

John,
For a variety of reasons, getting sober was a solo affair. Friends who know me know I used to drink, and don’t drink now. My family knows nothing, nor do I feel it would be appropriate to share with them.

I was a solo, secretive drinker. I accepted the fact that this problem was of my own creation, so in the same way I took responsibility for implementing the solution. Not ideal, and I think AA and other forms of IRL support are important and beneficial, but this was my reality.

Just wanted to offer the encouragement of my own experience. I wish I had the kind of friend/family support available to others (in all areas, not just sobriety), but the truth is there are many that are isolated for one reason or another. Sobriety is still available to us.

I wish you the best going forward.
-bora

Newbeginning421

I have just been using this website as a recovery tool for the most part and have 0 family support. In fact I am often told by my mom to go to bar and leave her alone. Also giving myself self therapy by reading this DBT book which i have learned methods to use when feeling stressed and healthier ways to handle things. DBT has many benefits for alcoholics as it was designed to treat borderline personality disorder who also have many impulsive self destructive impulses. One thing I have learned over the years is the only one who can fix you is you, while it might be easier with a supporting cast if you are determined and don't drink no matter what you can do this.

2muchpain

I think I understand what you are saying. Sometimes having people around you that are toxic can be much worse than getting sober on your own. Maybe I just miss the days when I did have support but is no longer there.
This might seem like a strange comparison, but I just got home from a vacation. I noticed a lot of people that were arguing with the people they were traveling with. I felt so lucky to be traveling by myself not having to deal with that. I can make a plan without outside distractions. I never thought about it that way. I'm kind of lucky to not have to deal with this. Still, a phone call from someone to see how I'm doing would be nice, but nobody calls to see if I'm ok on a trip, why should anybody call to check on my sobriety. I am good at planning a trip on my own, so making a plan for sobriety is like planning a trip. Taking a trip to sobriety sounds possible. Got to make a plan for sobriety like do a trip. cool. John

Anna

John, I so agree with what Dee said. You can't put conditions on getting sober. It would be nice to have lots of support face-to-face, but it's not essential. Know for sure that you can do this.

2muchpain

OK guys, fair enough and you make great points. It would be helpful to hear from people that have been able to get sober with absolutely no support from anybody. I mean NO CONTACT FROM ANYBODY, weather they are a good influence or bad regarding getting sober. I mean NOBODY man. I'm not looking for people that suggest joining a church, etc. I am asking for advice from people like me that are totally alone. I'm not trying to use this as an excuse. If I drink, it's because I choose to drink. I just wonder how many people spend their days 24/7 by themselves and were able to quit drinking. I know most people will say that is a choice, but for some people that lives this lifestyle knows that isn't true. Spending most days alone is not an excuse to drink. I know that. Feeling sorry for myself is also not an excuse to drink. But spending most days alone will create problems. Some people here just do not seem to get this. Not that they are don;t care, they just have a problem connecting with this. Again, I'd like to hear from people that are in my situation and have found a way to get sober. The last time I posted this question, I got almost no posts. John

Hevyn

John - I don't know how I missed this thread from last month. I've always tried to follow what's going on with you. Proud of you for getting sober when faced with a huge challenge.

I can't say I had zero help, but my family & friends had no idea what I was going through. So SR was my savior - knowing I wasn't alone meant everything (even though not face-to-face support). I did have to attend court ordered AA meetings though, for my dui - & I had a therapist briefly. However, the thing that kept me sober was the terror I felt every time I even considered returning to the hell my life had become.

Newbeginning421

As I said I literally spend all my days alone and happy that way. I do have contact with 2 to 3 people I talk to on the regular a close knit circle of friends. I teach school so basically off for the entire summer so very little interaction in terms of work. Is going to AA not an option, why is meeting new people not an option. At minimum there are always people on here to support you.

entropy1964

Hmmm. I choose to be alone most of the time. I think what bugs me the most about my self imposed isolation is that I 'feel' like I should 'feel' bad about it. But I mostly don't. And frankly, I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be. The world is out there. Yeah, its not knocking on my door but I can go grab it if I want.

For example. I am going through quite a bit right now. Its not happening 'to' me. Its just life. And there's a good bit of it right now. And a lot of it really requires me to reach under my skirt and grab my you know what's. That's hard. So I'm having to man up in a womanly kinda way. And I'm kinda scared.

So I'm going to start back to AA when I get back from a parental care giving trip. I know that being alone all the time right now isn't healthy. I'm going to force connection. It is necessary for me to grow through all these current challenges.

So, we have the same situation. Only, you WANT connection. I have to force it. Go get it. I believe you and I are about the same age. If AA isn't it join meet ups. There is a meet up for pretty much everything you can imagine. Take a class. Join Toast masters, soroptomist int. I dunno. There are so many ways to connect. But yeah, they don't call you. You gotta call them

2muchpain

Maybe look at it this way. Imagine being stranded on an island by yourself. You have everything you need, food, water, etc, But you also have an endless supply of booze. What would you do? John

aasharon90

You know John.....I hear ya loud and clear.

For me 28 yrs ago, when I hit bottom, I was
sick and didnt know really how sick I was until.....
my family stepped in to get me help.

Seriously, I dont know where id be today if
it hadn't been for them. However, because
I was placed in a controlled environment,
rehab, I had to stay for 2 weeks and then,
the ball was in my court to either go away
from family for 6 week out of state, OR....

Allow me to remain where I was and complete
a 28 day rehab stay with a 6 week outpatient
aftercare program attached in which I agreed
and completed.

After that, when I returned home....it was me.....
and only me to do whatever I needed to do to
remain sober and build a strong solid recovery
foundation to live upon each day moving forward.

No one in my immediate family truly understood
me and my own addiction to alcohol. Yes, they saw
me sick and did get me help, which was a blessing
and gift or......who knows where id be today.

No one worked my program, took me to
meetings, baby sat me or anything like that.

Because I wanted and needed to remain
sober, it was up to me to do the footwork.
No one was gonna call me. Come hold my
hand or cry in my corner if I felt alone, angry,
or anything else.

If I wanted friendship and recovery, I had to
go get it. I went to meetings to be surrounded
by others who knew me and what I was going
thru without ever asking, because they told
my story every time they spoke.

As a mom back in early recovery, I marched
to my own tune and didnt latch on to many
because everyone had their own agendas.

Many were young folks, many were older folks,
many were single, many were married and many
worked. As an at home mom with family, I had to
find balance with them and recovery.

Still today, I'm pretty much on my own and
I dont mind it, just as long as I know where
recovery support is located and is needed
to help me each day. I have the formula and
guideline taught to me from day one and still
incorporate it in my everyday life on a continuous
bases.

I dont look for pats on the back for my times
sober. This is a personal achievement within
myself and putting to rest a deadly serious
addiction that affects many still today.

With recovery over the years comes humility
for without the help of those instrumental in
helping me get sober and teach me how to
remain sober over the years, as well as doing
the footwork necessary, then I would be....

Lost. Crazy. Drunk. Jailed. Hospitalized. Dead.

If I wanted and needed sobriety then I went
out and got it myself, because I learned early
on that no one was gonna get it for me.

Zevin

But you're NOT stranded on an island.
I stay sober without much support, quit going to AA a while back because several people in my home group died and then that group sort of fell apart. My spouse and the rest of my family (siblings, nieces and nephews etc.) still drink heavily around me. Used to bother me, not it just bores me.
Nobody calls and asks "how's your sobriety going?" I guess if I asked them to do that, they would but, to be honest, that would get on my nerves.
That's why I like SR....I can be honest if I relapse and reading other people stories can scare me enough to NOT relapse.
Like you falling and hurting yourself. I've been there and received a broken nose, seized out several times, etc. etc. Your stories encourage me to stay away from drinking.
You KNOW how to get and stay sober, right? Get back to it and I think you will slowly find people to support you or just to be a friend to you.
Good luck John.
PS---- How are you doing today?

aasharon90

I suppose if I would ask others each day how they
are doing then maybe, just maybe others will ask
the same of me. Do unto others as you would have
them do the same of you.

However....sometimes I do find this untrue and
should not expect others to do the same of me.

It is in doing for others that should and often do
give me the greatest reward without asking for
anything in return.

ScottFromWI

Imaginary scenarios don’t help with real world problems. You aren’t stranded on a desert island. And you’ve been down this rabbit hole conversation about being alone before. You have been sober and you know that when you get like this it’s your addiction talking and not the real you. Can I ask if you are drinking again? Because it sounds a lot like you are. And if so, this conversation will go nowhere until you stop because it’s the booze talking. Even if you aren’t drinking you need to remember that you are not unique in your situaton—far from it. Many people here are giving you support and have for many years actually. And there are people locally you can reach out to...but you have to be willing to accept who they are and that you need to seek help, not the other way around.

AnvilheadII

firetrucks (first responders aka HELP) don't just drive around looking for smoke so they can put out a fire. they wait until someone calls in reporting a fire.

i understand that living alone CAN be lonely. however no man is an island, and within some radius of miles there must be other humans.
things like:
a YMCA with gyms and pools
community pools
community classes such as water painting, ceramics, acting, salsa classes, computer classes, etc.
farmers markets, gardening clubs, bird watching, hiking groups, kayak lessons, learning a new language, writing classes, music lessons.
museums, libraries, community college.
volunteer activities - cleaning a park or playground, reading to children, visiting the elderly, delivering meals on wheels to those who are aged or infirm and true shut ins. pet shelters.
and of course AA meetings.

Dee74

Hi John -I'm glad you got some responses this time.
I hope you'll see that everyone is trying to help.

I'll try and say what I said before in a different way.

If you wait for people to knock on your door you'll be waiting a long time, man.
I remember doing that myself for years.

You can either ponder and stew on how unfair that is, or whatever- or you can do something about it.

I believe you need to get out there and make connections - thats the way to change your life.

if nothing else, go some volunteering or something, maybe?

You have a lot to offer but no ones going to see that behind a locked door.

D