Managed to fight off a huge craving, almost caved
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
Managed to fight off a huge craving, almost caved
So I just got back home from being on the road the last several days. I’m home alone (my wife works part time in a different state), and that was my favorite time to drink (home alone). Home is not safe, at least not for me, like someone said in here a couple of weeks ago.
Anyway, I come home and I get this massive craving washing over me. And just like last time, I don’t have any illusions that I can moderate, I just think (in my craving-ridden AV logic) that “I will just be not-moderate (which means, get really drunk) one day, and then go back to staying sober for another couple of weeks. What is one day of drinking if it goes two weeks between? I don’t need to be moderate that one day, it’s ok.” And so on.
It went so far that I got out, bought the bottle, came home, and put a whiskey glass next to the bottle. I was struggling for a long time, debating with myself. How amazing that feeling is when the buzz first kicks in.
But I managed to rip myself away, sat down and read posts here on SR. Started thinking about something I said before (and many before me I’m sure), that not drinking is me making sure that I don’t wake up tomorrow hating myself. I really really hate that feeling.
Also, I was thinking about the nightmares I would get when I drank. My self loathing translated to some horrendous nightmares a few times (usually dreams about insects crawling out of my stool, or crawling inside me), and I don’t want that either.
So I realized I needed a diversion, so I started eating anything and everything I could find in my pantry, until I was so stuffed that my stomach hurt. And it worked! The craving passed. And I poured out the bottle. I’m happy to pay the $15 pouring it out if that’s the cost of not drinking.
Anyway, I just wanted to share. I’m happy to say that I just finished day 12, and I did not drink.
FT
Anyway, I come home and I get this massive craving washing over me. And just like last time, I don’t have any illusions that I can moderate, I just think (in my craving-ridden AV logic) that “I will just be not-moderate (which means, get really drunk) one day, and then go back to staying sober for another couple of weeks. What is one day of drinking if it goes two weeks between? I don’t need to be moderate that one day, it’s ok.” And so on.
It went so far that I got out, bought the bottle, came home, and put a whiskey glass next to the bottle. I was struggling for a long time, debating with myself. How amazing that feeling is when the buzz first kicks in.
But I managed to rip myself away, sat down and read posts here on SR. Started thinking about something I said before (and many before me I’m sure), that not drinking is me making sure that I don’t wake up tomorrow hating myself. I really really hate that feeling.
Also, I was thinking about the nightmares I would get when I drank. My self loathing translated to some horrendous nightmares a few times (usually dreams about insects crawling out of my stool, or crawling inside me), and I don’t want that either.
So I realized I needed a diversion, so I started eating anything and everything I could find in my pantry, until I was so stuffed that my stomach hurt. And it worked! The craving passed. And I poured out the bottle. I’m happy to pay the $15 pouring it out if that’s the cost of not drinking.
Anyway, I just wanted to share. I’m happy to say that I just finished day 12, and I did not drink.
FT
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
HOLY SH*T!
I'm so, so surprised you dumped that out...I am the one that said "home is not safe" and it is not for me EITHER.....Its an awful feeling pulling in the driveway and feeling the sense of gloom come over you because you know when you walk in the door all those demons that drive us to temptation are going to be there....and it hasn't gotten better for me either...I just distract myself...OR EAT as you did.
That was a very close one...I liked when you said...you really, really hate the feeling in the morning of hating yourself...because that rang so true for me also...
I have that "built in forgetter" that I don't know if you have heard about...but I seem to forget the pain of the drinking days...the hungover mornings...all of it..I forget very quickly when I crave a drink.
I need to read how people like you think...and how you get thru these battles.
You WON....best 15 dollars wasted ever!
Great job...I'm super impressed..If I buy alcohol...I'm pretty sure i would not have the strength you had to NOT drink it....
I'm so, so surprised you dumped that out...I am the one that said "home is not safe" and it is not for me EITHER.....Its an awful feeling pulling in the driveway and feeling the sense of gloom come over you because you know when you walk in the door all those demons that drive us to temptation are going to be there....and it hasn't gotten better for me either...I just distract myself...OR EAT as you did.
That was a very close one...I liked when you said...you really, really hate the feeling in the morning of hating yourself...because that rang so true for me also...
I have that "built in forgetter" that I don't know if you have heard about...but I seem to forget the pain of the drinking days...the hungover mornings...all of it..I forget very quickly when I crave a drink.
I need to read how people like you think...and how you get thru these battles.
You WON....best 15 dollars wasted ever!
Great job...I'm super impressed..If I buy alcohol...I'm pretty sure i would not have the strength you had to NOT drink it....
Eating usually worked for me too, when I had bad cravings. Good for you! 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
Thank you Missy! You have been one of my greatest inspirations here, I feel that I don’t want to let you down.
Yes! Have that built in “forgetter” too. I don’t understand it, but it is so true.
I’m so happy I didn’t drink today, and now the craving is complete gone, I can’t even fathom what on earth I was struggling with. I suppose the “forgetter” works in two directions, I forget that I’m actually struggling, and get complacent.
Yes! Have that built in “forgetter” too. I don’t understand it, but it is so true.
I’m so happy I didn’t drink today, and now the craving is complete gone, I can’t even fathom what on earth I was struggling with. I suppose the “forgetter” works in two directions, I forget that I’m actually struggling, and get complacent.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
That was close!! The thing about every drinking episode is we never know what it is going to cost us. We might get away with it. We might crash the car. We might send someone important a drunken email. Sometimes I got away with it but the days I didnt almost destroyed my life. Its like playing russian roulette and the fear/anxiety the next morning is horrific.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 239
Glad you fought through!!! I admire your determination and persistence. I had a typo in my post above! It most certainly is NOT an easy fight! (I use my phone, so sometimes auto correct gets in the way)
I hope today is another good day for you!
I hope today is another good day for you!
Last edited by nadt; 06-12-2019 at 09:31 AM. Reason: Typo
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 290
Congratulations! And Inspiring!!!
I seem to remember reading somewhere that that "forgetter" is an actual biological function. In nature we have to overcome fear, for example, so over time an experienced hunter would not be as afraid of a charging lion as a boy on his first hunt. Repeated exposure suppresses the fear response. By drinking like we have we've trained our brains that we gotta have this booze...we must or we wouldn't do it so much! So our brains release whatever chemicals that suppress our ability to remember the pain and grief of our last binge. They're trying to help us because our repeated use has told our brains that we MUST drink, so they try to help us make the best of it.
I'm not 100% if this is on target, but it sure did seem to describe my experience!
I seem to remember reading somewhere that that "forgetter" is an actual biological function. In nature we have to overcome fear, for example, so over time an experienced hunter would not be as afraid of a charging lion as a boy on his first hunt. Repeated exposure suppresses the fear response. By drinking like we have we've trained our brains that we gotta have this booze...we must or we wouldn't do it so much! So our brains release whatever chemicals that suppress our ability to remember the pain and grief of our last binge. They're trying to help us because our repeated use has told our brains that we MUST drink, so they try to help us make the best of it.
I'm not 100% if this is on target, but it sure did seem to describe my experience!
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