Day one again
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 119
Day one again
Hi all, I have been having a very hard time. I don’t feel like going into detail but up until about April I had over 80 days.
Husband basically hates me.
feeling so stupid and disgusting.
im trying to start today fresh but how many times will he forgive me? I am just so, so sad
Husband basically hates me.
feeling so stupid and disgusting.
im trying to start today fresh but how many times will he forgive me? I am just so, so sad
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
That is the worrying thing. How many times will he forgive you? So many alcoholics lose it all. The fact that you stayed sober for 80 days might help your case. That was great. Could you do it again? Do you know why you slipped?
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
That sucks that you should have to worry. Maybe you do not need to worry about that. Ask him. Ive been with my wife, who does not drink, for over 26 years. all the while I drank heavily. Now with not working I was basically, well not basically. I was drinking rum all day from early morning till I crashed out at 7 or 8. I did not try to quit once till now. I have no worries at all that she would forgive me as many times as possible. Its better than not trying at all. He needs to help you not hate you!
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 119
I honestly do not know how often he will forgive me. Not drinking for that long helped but I feel like things were still not great. He has been saying I let my anxiety win all the time. Also our daughter has been having some behavioral problems and this doesn’t help things bc our parenting styles are different (he says I don’t discipline her and am too “soft”)
i think what happened was he got lenient on me drinking again. He would offer me a beer but we both know I can’t have just one so I’d ask for more and more . He gets mad the next day but then offers again and then he has been getting me wine too. I think he wants me to just be able to “drink normally” but obviously I can’t.
i have just been so depressed bc even when I am sober I feel like it doesn’t even matter ....
i think what happened was he got lenient on me drinking again. He would offer me a beer but we both know I can’t have just one so I’d ask for more and more . He gets mad the next day but then offers again and then he has been getting me wine too. I think he wants me to just be able to “drink normally” but obviously I can’t.
i have just been so depressed bc even when I am sober I feel like it doesn’t even matter ....
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Originally Posted by Abraham 
That sucks that you should have to worry. Maybe you do not need to worry about that. Ask him. Ive been with my wife, who does not drink, for over 26 years. all the while I drank heavily. Now with not working I was basically, well not basically. I was drinking rum all day from early morning till I crashed out at 7 or 8. I did not try to quit once till now. I have no worries at all that she would forgive me as many times as possible. Its better than not trying at all. He needs to help you not hate you!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
I'm sorry you're sad. I know the feeling from my past drunken experiences.
Your husband has to forgive you one more time and that's this time. That's because you never have to drink again and therefore never need to be forgiven again.
You had eighty days and that's great. Now start over again. That's all we can do sometimes. But it's a big thing to do and may well earn your husband's trust back.
I hope you can stop drinking, and I hope you never have to be forgiven again.
Your husband has to forgive you one more time and that's this time. That's because you never have to drink again and therefore never need to be forgiven again.
You had eighty days and that's great. Now start over again. That's all we can do sometimes. But it's a big thing to do and may well earn your husband's trust back.
I hope you can stop drinking, and I hope you never have to be forgiven again.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
He waves beer and wine under the nose of an alcoholic and then gets mad at the same alcoholic for drinking???? Hmmmm. What next? Waving heroin under the nose of a heroin addict? I dont think your hubby understands addiction.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Originally Posted by sammymaguire
He waves beer and wine under the nose of an alcoholic and then gets mad at the same alcoholic for drinking???? Hmmmm. What next? Waving heroin under the nose of a heroin addict? I dont think your hubby understands addiction.
I have no one to blame but myself but he isn’t very understand about a lot of things.
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Originally Posted by sammymaguire
It sounds as if you are going to have to detach and get sober without his help, Are you strong enough to do that? You must be strong because you just clocked up 80 days in that environment.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Maybe he should go if he wants the break.
My spouse still drinks too, so I can relate to how hard it is sometimes. I have found it much easier to deal with him drinking in the house the longer I'm sober, but I did tell him to never offer me any alcohol as that is unfair. He respects that and doesn't. Maybe you should make the same suggestion to your husband?
Sounds like your husband has a lot of resentment and anger about your drinking--it may be justified, but it isn't really helping this situation at all. Have you thought about counseling to work through some of these negative emotions and to develop boundaries around problem areas?
I felt terrible because of some of my actions towards my spouse drinking.
Now that I'm sober, I don' have shame or guilt about my drinking behavior anymore which is so freeing.
You have 80 days so you know how to do it successfully. Start again and don't beat yourself up for what you cannot change in the past.
My spouse still drinks too, so I can relate to how hard it is sometimes. I have found it much easier to deal with him drinking in the house the longer I'm sober, but I did tell him to never offer me any alcohol as that is unfair. He respects that and doesn't. Maybe you should make the same suggestion to your husband?
Sounds like your husband has a lot of resentment and anger about your drinking--it may be justified, but it isn't really helping this situation at all. Have you thought about counseling to work through some of these negative emotions and to develop boundaries around problem areas?
I felt terrible because of some of my actions towards my spouse drinking.
Now that I'm sober, I don' have shame or guilt about my drinking behavior anymore which is so freeing.
You have 80 days so you know how to do it successfully. Start again and don't beat yourself up for what you cannot change in the past.
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Originally Posted by sammymaguire
Where does he want you to go? Its your home where your child lives. Do you have a second home somewhere else?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 239
It's good you're starting over. As hard as it may be, try to focus on yourself today. Just make it through the day. You have a whole lot more to deal with in your situation than just your addiction.
we are here to support you.
we are here to support you.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Welcome back hootowlhoot 
You;re not stupid or disgusting - you have the same problem everyone else has here
Many of us have had to deal with partners still drinking or unsupportive - it's hard but not impossible.
I am worried tho at the abuse you're suffering - and from what you've written it is abuse.
If your husband really genuinely wants you to stop drinking he needs to stop sabotaging your recovery - and you need to stop letting him.
There's tons of support here 24/7 - you're not alone
D
You;re not stupid or disgusting - you have the same problem everyone else has here
Many of us have had to deal with partners still drinking or unsupportive - it's hard but not impossible.
I am worried tho at the abuse you're suffering - and from what you've written it is abuse.
If your husband really genuinely wants you to stop drinking he needs to stop sabotaging your recovery - and you need to stop letting him.
There's tons of support here 24/7 - you're not alone
D
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 65
he obviously doesn't get it. I'm in a similar situation in that my partner who drinks quite a bit but never loses control thinks I/we can somehow "learn" to drink like normies. And that somehow white-knuckling it and making it 2 weeks-6 weeks, whatever, "proves" it can be done. And I/we want to believe that too because it is exactly what our drinking beast/addictive voice/alcoholic mind wants to believe so we can continue drinking. And how many Day 1s does it take for the unrefutable truth that we cannot finally be understood? I like to think that I wasn't always this way, but in truth even in my teens I never had that impulse of "whoa, you need to slow down" kick in....well, I remember telling myself that--over and over, really--but I didn't, I don't, and it sure has h*ll is not getting any better.
I'm not an AAer (can't even really say that I'm sober or in recovery, I'm just not drinking now, today, and this week), but I do recall something from the big book along the lines that it is the dream of every alcoholic to drink like a normal person, to believe that one can do it, but it just isn't true. we can manage disaster to disaster, have regrets, feel like crap and much, much worse. Or we can choose not to drink. to live free of the poison, and the more readily I can see it as freedom (as opposed to privation) the easier it is.
Maybe you should ask hubby why he can't give it up for a spell. even normies can take a break and reap benefits for themselves, never mind what benefits that can give to those they swore (before God and the state, usually) to stick by, through thick and thin....
I'm not an AAer (can't even really say that I'm sober or in recovery, I'm just not drinking now, today, and this week), but I do recall something from the big book along the lines that it is the dream of every alcoholic to drink like a normal person, to believe that one can do it, but it just isn't true. we can manage disaster to disaster, have regrets, feel like crap and much, much worse. Or we can choose not to drink. to live free of the poison, and the more readily I can see it as freedom (as opposed to privation) the easier it is.
Maybe you should ask hubby why he can't give it up for a spell. even normies can take a break and reap benefits for themselves, never mind what benefits that can give to those they swore (before God and the state, usually) to stick by, through thick and thin....
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by Hootowlhoot
he wants me to go to the state I grew up in where my parents are. He thinks my whole family are losers and says I am trash just like them ...
There is much more going on with HIM than your drinking I feel like he is using your drinking to brow beat you...
I stopped right here...so I don't know how old your kids are....or how long you have been married....but I'm sure if he said you were "trash" today or whenever he said it I'm sure it is not the first time he has been disrespectful and I'm sure the kids are being damaged by this.
Frig him...tell him to leave....you need to NOT CARE about what he THINKS about you...focus on feeling better..and doing the best you can....and your kids....really....he's the loser.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 290
Calling the your wife and the mother of your child "trash" is simply sick. And I don't mean "gross" or "disgusting." I mean sick in the sense of being ill. Like throwing up on someone. It sounds to me like he's trying to use some perverted version of "tough love."
In any case, you've been honest with him and yourself that you have a problem with alcohol. Yes, the choice to drink is ultimately yours. But encouraging you to drink is not only unfair, it's cruel. But deep down, I believe if we saw our own cruel moments as they really are, in all their spiritual ugliness, we'd never act like that again. In other words, I doubt he can possibly know how hurtful he's being. And if he doesn't know, and his soul desperately needs healing, can that be a tool to help you if he offers you alcohol again? Just knowing that the place he's coming from is more likely some inner pain or illness rather than who he truly is?
I would personally have an awfully hard time in that situation, if I could even make it a few days! So I only mean the above thoughts as some of the impression your sharing made on me.
Hope it's helpful and peace to you!!!
In any case, you've been honest with him and yourself that you have a problem with alcohol. Yes, the choice to drink is ultimately yours. But encouraging you to drink is not only unfair, it's cruel. But deep down, I believe if we saw our own cruel moments as they really are, in all their spiritual ugliness, we'd never act like that again. In other words, I doubt he can possibly know how hurtful he's being. And if he doesn't know, and his soul desperately needs healing, can that be a tool to help you if he offers you alcohol again? Just knowing that the place he's coming from is more likely some inner pain or illness rather than who he truly is?
I would personally have an awfully hard time in that situation, if I could even make it a few days! So I only mean the above thoughts as some of the impression your sharing made on me.
Hope it's helpful and peace to you!!!
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