Just had a lapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 4
Just had a lapse
I'm not sure exactly what to write here so I tell you some of my story.
I come from a family of alcoholics, my father is alcoholic but was able to quit "cold turkey" many years ago. To hear him tell it he thinks anyone with inner strength should be able to quit in that way and everyone else is weak. My older brother is an alcoholic and has lost everything, his career, his family, his health. He has been in and out of rehabs, ER's and detox beds for 10 years. His sobriety usually never lasts more than a few days to weeks. Not sure that he will live much longer to be honest.
I am an alcoholic and cocaine addict. I have been a heavy drinker since I was a young teenager, I am 42
now. Most, if not all of my 20's I was a heavy daily drinker. Taking breaks just long enough to manage to kick the occasional horrendous hangover. My addiction had never preventing me from keeping a good job, until one day when I was 28. That day at my younger brothers house we had all got together to drink and play horse shoes. We had all sorts get togethers, and they all included heavy drinking. It was that day that I walked into the bathroom to find my brother and a good friend cutting lines of coke on the sink. It was the first time in my life that I had every seen cocaine. I was stunned to find people I had known for most of my life doing coke. I thought coke was what hardcore drug users did. I had never known anyone who did it.
I accepted the invitation to do a line on the sink that day and my life has been destroyed by it every since. The feeling I had was one of such complete comfort I never wanted it to go away. I knew that I needed more, and over the course of the next 2-3 years would stop at nothing to get my hands on coke. I was at the lowest point of my life, struggling to find a decent job, and back living at my parents for the first time in 10 years. I became a heavy cocaine user. I would use an 8 ball to get me started. I always struggled with a steady supply, but when I could get it it was always good. My supplier didn't snort it, he always smoked it and this eventually led me to crack. Although that was partly because crack became easier for me to get. I liked that I could come down off of crack easier, but it was not something I could do socially. It didn't really matter because by this point I had isolated myself when using so I didn't have to share with anyone. I would literally locked myself away, sometimes in a room or even a closest. After a few years, the visous cycle of spending every dollar of my paycheck on coke became something and that I couldn't even come close to stopping.
I knew I had a serious problem but I was powerless to stop the cycle. I had recently met someone new and we were casually dating. This woman was someone I felt I could confide in. And one morning about 8am, when most people were headed off to work, I was leaving a house that I had spent the end of a booze and coke filled night in. I had reach my end emotionally, I really wanted to stop and I knew if I didn't get help I may not have a future worth living. I called my girlfriend and just let it all out, I may have even cried, I don't recall. She promptly helped set me up in a local rehab and invited me to live with her to remove any possible external influences. The rehab was a 1 month intensive outpatient program and I learned a lot of tools there to help break the cycle, listen to my thoughts etc. I also learned here that my addiction problem was alcohol, not cocaine, and that I only used cocaine while or after consuming alcohol and losing my inhibitions. It was a lot of great information. If I could just overcome the alcohol addiction I would be home free.
Afterward I remained sober for a period of time, I don't recall how long, maybe 6 months. I eventually picked up a drink, which of course lead to getting drunk and an all night coke binge. That's when it became really difficult of course because there was someone at home to keep me accountable when I was gone all night. I was really miserable for the next year. Everything fun in my life I associated with drinking. It was if I had to accept that I would never have fun ever again. I recall planning my next lapse in a way that I could hide it from everyone. Somehow if I could keep it a secret, it my mind it was much better. I began scheming of ways that I could use coke again. Eventually I would drink again. Often after a few months, and it may have been only a couple drinks. But within a month of that first lapse in drinking I would get completely drunk which would lead to an all night coke binge.
The relationship I was in ended, partly because of my addiction and continued lapses.
It was then that I got my own apartment again. This was a rebuilding time in my life. But with nobody to hold me accountable, the drinking increased and became heavy at times. It didn't always lead to a coke binge, but I was still binging again maybe once or month or so. After a year or so, I again met someone new and we began dating. The relationship got serious fairly quick, but I was completely hiding my deep dark secret from this person. She became suspicious when I wouldn't answer my phone for a day at a time because I was hiding in my apartment with the shades drawn and the doors locked on a paranoid coke bender. Eventually I had to fess up because I really didn't want to loose this woman, I felt that we were in love. So, after a year or so of dating I got rid of my apartment and moved in with her and her daughter. After 2 years, we bought a new house with an acre of land and we seem really happy. We have been in our new house for 4 years.
During this 6 year period, I have had several periods of a month or so when I would return to drinking, which always leads to a coke bender and I quit everything again. I eventually reached a point where this cycle is about every 6 months. The main problem now is almost every time that I drink I
get completely wasted and binge on coke. I have never brought it into the house. I am now stuck in this 6 month cycle in which every 6-8 months, I find myself somewhere drinking, drunk and on a coke bender. And then I don't drink for 6 months.
I really don't want either in my life. And the pain I cause my wife is devasting. The shame I feel afterwards is overwhelming.
This has become very exhausting because it feels for months that I'm really making progress and
then wham, when I least expect it I'm drunk and off looking to get some crack.
I have made great progress to get to this point.
I have been stuck at the same point in my recovery for many years now and I am eager to get past and move on with life.
Thanks for reading.
I come from a family of alcoholics, my father is alcoholic but was able to quit "cold turkey" many years ago. To hear him tell it he thinks anyone with inner strength should be able to quit in that way and everyone else is weak. My older brother is an alcoholic and has lost everything, his career, his family, his health. He has been in and out of rehabs, ER's and detox beds for 10 years. His sobriety usually never lasts more than a few days to weeks. Not sure that he will live much longer to be honest.
I am an alcoholic and cocaine addict. I have been a heavy drinker since I was a young teenager, I am 42
now. Most, if not all of my 20's I was a heavy daily drinker. Taking breaks just long enough to manage to kick the occasional horrendous hangover. My addiction had never preventing me from keeping a good job, until one day when I was 28. That day at my younger brothers house we had all got together to drink and play horse shoes. We had all sorts get togethers, and they all included heavy drinking. It was that day that I walked into the bathroom to find my brother and a good friend cutting lines of coke on the sink. It was the first time in my life that I had every seen cocaine. I was stunned to find people I had known for most of my life doing coke. I thought coke was what hardcore drug users did. I had never known anyone who did it.
I accepted the invitation to do a line on the sink that day and my life has been destroyed by it every since. The feeling I had was one of such complete comfort I never wanted it to go away. I knew that I needed more, and over the course of the next 2-3 years would stop at nothing to get my hands on coke. I was at the lowest point of my life, struggling to find a decent job, and back living at my parents for the first time in 10 years. I became a heavy cocaine user. I would use an 8 ball to get me started. I always struggled with a steady supply, but when I could get it it was always good. My supplier didn't snort it, he always smoked it and this eventually led me to crack. Although that was partly because crack became easier for me to get. I liked that I could come down off of crack easier, but it was not something I could do socially. It didn't really matter because by this point I had isolated myself when using so I didn't have to share with anyone. I would literally locked myself away, sometimes in a room or even a closest. After a few years, the visous cycle of spending every dollar of my paycheck on coke became something and that I couldn't even come close to stopping.
I knew I had a serious problem but I was powerless to stop the cycle. I had recently met someone new and we were casually dating. This woman was someone I felt I could confide in. And one morning about 8am, when most people were headed off to work, I was leaving a house that I had spent the end of a booze and coke filled night in. I had reach my end emotionally, I really wanted to stop and I knew if I didn't get help I may not have a future worth living. I called my girlfriend and just let it all out, I may have even cried, I don't recall. She promptly helped set me up in a local rehab and invited me to live with her to remove any possible external influences. The rehab was a 1 month intensive outpatient program and I learned a lot of tools there to help break the cycle, listen to my thoughts etc. I also learned here that my addiction problem was alcohol, not cocaine, and that I only used cocaine while or after consuming alcohol and losing my inhibitions. It was a lot of great information. If I could just overcome the alcohol addiction I would be home free.
Afterward I remained sober for a period of time, I don't recall how long, maybe 6 months. I eventually picked up a drink, which of course lead to getting drunk and an all night coke binge. That's when it became really difficult of course because there was someone at home to keep me accountable when I was gone all night. I was really miserable for the next year. Everything fun in my life I associated with drinking. It was if I had to accept that I would never have fun ever again. I recall planning my next lapse in a way that I could hide it from everyone. Somehow if I could keep it a secret, it my mind it was much better. I began scheming of ways that I could use coke again. Eventually I would drink again. Often after a few months, and it may have been only a couple drinks. But within a month of that first lapse in drinking I would get completely drunk which would lead to an all night coke binge.
The relationship I was in ended, partly because of my addiction and continued lapses.
It was then that I got my own apartment again. This was a rebuilding time in my life. But with nobody to hold me accountable, the drinking increased and became heavy at times. It didn't always lead to a coke binge, but I was still binging again maybe once or month or so. After a year or so, I again met someone new and we began dating. The relationship got serious fairly quick, but I was completely hiding my deep dark secret from this person. She became suspicious when I wouldn't answer my phone for a day at a time because I was hiding in my apartment with the shades drawn and the doors locked on a paranoid coke bender. Eventually I had to fess up because I really didn't want to loose this woman, I felt that we were in love. So, after a year or so of dating I got rid of my apartment and moved in with her and her daughter. After 2 years, we bought a new house with an acre of land and we seem really happy. We have been in our new house for 4 years.
During this 6 year period, I have had several periods of a month or so when I would return to drinking, which always leads to a coke bender and I quit everything again. I eventually reached a point where this cycle is about every 6 months. The main problem now is almost every time that I drink I
get completely wasted and binge on coke. I have never brought it into the house. I am now stuck in this 6 month cycle in which every 6-8 months, I find myself somewhere drinking, drunk and on a coke bender. And then I don't drink for 6 months.
I really don't want either in my life. And the pain I cause my wife is devasting. The shame I feel afterwards is overwhelming.
This has become very exhausting because it feels for months that I'm really making progress and
then wham, when I least expect it I'm drunk and off looking to get some crack.
I have made great progress to get to this point.
I have been stuck at the same point in my recovery for many years now and I am eager to get past and move on with life.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Hi..I really wish you hadn't made your screen name "losername" only for YOURSELF....I have done something similar in the past where everytime I logged onto that website I had to look at the way I described myself during a really bad time in my life.
Some of keeping sober is to keep positive...which I learned the hardway...I just don't want you to be brought down everytime you come log on to a site that is going to be so beneficial to you....
As far as your addictions...wow.... 6-8 months is a pretty long span between binges...I'm wondering if it is just a craving the whole time and you white knuckle it OR if you can identify triggers that maybe you can eliminate to help you to not drink/use every 6-8 months?
I'm so sorry you have these addictions...just as it sux I have mine.
I'm so glad you found this place to vent....so many nice people....So far I have not seen much "judgement"....
If you ever lose your wife it is not because of you...it is because of these damn addictions...I had to leave the love of my life because I couldn't handle how he was when he did crack.
I'm an alcoholic...and he chose to handle my crap....but I COULD NOT handle the crack crap...at least with him....I love him....but I do not love him on crack.
You said something about your poor wife....so I assume she knows now that you have both of these problems....If she doesn't...maybe she should know and maybe you two could get in counseling and maybe that would help YOU.
We tried counseling but my "mate" would not be honest...he denied doing crack....as I sat there and gave my whole alcohol history.
I really feel if he was ready to be honest the counselor could have helped HIM and US....Just a thought for if you ever get desperate...cause I know men really don't like to hear ..."Lets go to therapy"...unless they are desperate...at least the man I know.
Some of keeping sober is to keep positive...which I learned the hardway...I just don't want you to be brought down everytime you come log on to a site that is going to be so beneficial to you....
As far as your addictions...wow.... 6-8 months is a pretty long span between binges...I'm wondering if it is just a craving the whole time and you white knuckle it OR if you can identify triggers that maybe you can eliminate to help you to not drink/use every 6-8 months?
I'm so sorry you have these addictions...just as it sux I have mine.
I'm so glad you found this place to vent....so many nice people....So far I have not seen much "judgement"....
If you ever lose your wife it is not because of you...it is because of these damn addictions...I had to leave the love of my life because I couldn't handle how he was when he did crack.
I'm an alcoholic...and he chose to handle my crap....but I COULD NOT handle the crack crap...at least with him....I love him....but I do not love him on crack.
You said something about your poor wife....so I assume she knows now that you have both of these problems....If she doesn't...maybe she should know and maybe you two could get in counseling and maybe that would help YOU.
We tried counseling but my "mate" would not be honest...he denied doing crack....as I sat there and gave my whole alcohol history.
I really feel if he was ready to be honest the counselor could have helped HIM and US....Just a thought for if you ever get desperate...cause I know men really don't like to hear ..."Lets go to therapy"...unless they are desperate...at least the man I know.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 290
I turn 41 next month and I haven't had more than 90 consecutive days in the last 20 years, and my drugs of choice were just beer and cigarettes. So hearing you can put multiple 6+ month stretches together tells me you have a lot of ammo to fight this and win. The huge thing for me is that I know at that level too deep for words that I simply can't live any kind of life I want to live if alcohol is a part of it. Sounds like you're in a similar place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Misssy2 
Hi..I really wish you hadn't made your screen name "losername" only for YOURSELF....I have done something similar in the past where everytime I logged onto that website I had to look at the way I described myself during a really bad time in my life.
Some of keeping sober is to keep positive...which I learned the hardway...I just don't want you to be brought down everytime you come log on to a site that is going to be so beneficial to you....
As far as your addictions...wow.... 6-8 months is a pretty long span between binges...I'm wondering if it is just a craving the whole time and you white knuckle it OR if you can identify triggers that maybe you can eliminate to help you to not drink/use every 6-8 months?
I'm so sorry you have these addictions...just as it sux I have mine.
I'm so glad you found this place to vent....so many nice people....So far I have not seen much "judgement"....
If you ever lose your wife it is not because of you...it is because of these damn addictions...I had to leave the love of my life because I couldn't handle how he was when he did crack.
I'm an alcoholic...and he chose to handle my crap....but I COULD NOT handle the crack crap...at least with him....I love him....but I do not love him on crack.
You said something about your poor wife....so I assume she knows now that you have both of these problems....If she doesn't...maybe she should know and maybe you two could get in counseling and maybe that would help YOU.
We tried counseling but my "mate" would not be honest...he denied doing crack....as I sat there and gave my whole alcohol history.
I really feel if he was ready to be honest the counselor could have helped HIM and US....Just a thought for if you ever get desperate...cause I know men really don't like to hear ..."Lets go to therapy"...unless they are desperate...at least the man I know.
Some of keeping sober is to keep positive...which I learned the hardway...I just don't want you to be brought down everytime you come log on to a site that is going to be so beneficial to you....
As far as your addictions...wow.... 6-8 months is a pretty long span between binges...I'm wondering if it is just a craving the whole time and you white knuckle it OR if you can identify triggers that maybe you can eliminate to help you to not drink/use every 6-8 months?
I'm so sorry you have these addictions...just as it sux I have mine.
I'm so glad you found this place to vent....so many nice people....So far I have not seen much "judgement"....
If you ever lose your wife it is not because of you...it is because of these damn addictions...I had to leave the love of my life because I couldn't handle how he was when he did crack.
I'm an alcoholic...and he chose to handle my crap....but I COULD NOT handle the crack crap...at least with him....I love him....but I do not love him on crack.
You said something about your poor wife....so I assume she knows now that you have both of these problems....If she doesn't...maybe she should know and maybe you two could get in counseling and maybe that would help YOU.
We tried counseling but my "mate" would not be honest...he denied doing crack....as I sat there and gave my whole alcohol history.
I really feel if he was ready to be honest the counselor could have helped HIM and US....Just a thought for if you ever get desperate...cause I know men really don't like to hear ..."Lets go to therapy"...unless they are desperate...at least the man I know.
But I certainly understand your concern, thank you.
Yes my wife knows of both of my addiction. She is able to actually pinpoint exactly when a lapse is coming due to my change in behavior etc. Of course I ignore her warnings.
We have been to counselors etc..She really doesn't understand addiction and tends to just get angry and so that isn't really productive. Thank God she has stayed by my side to this point.
The pain of not knowing where i am, whether I alive, in jail etc..really takes a toll on her.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Thanks for sharing a little of your story LN 
SR made a differnce to me - it meant a lot to know other people understood.
As for methods - some people just quit, like your dad, others use sites like this, or AA or CA for coke or some other meeting based group.
I think the strongest people I know are the folks here trying, every day. to quit something they know is not good for them
D
SR made a differnce to me - it meant a lot to know other people understood.
As for methods - some people just quit, like your dad, others use sites like this, or AA or CA for coke or some other meeting based group.
I think the strongest people I know are the folks here trying, every day. to quit something they know is not good for them
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by Losername
Missy - I used the losername because it rymed with username 😀. I don't by any means think of myself as a loser, and I am no where near fragile enough that this user name will effect my well being.
But I certainly understand your concern, thank you.
Yes my wife knows of both of my addiction. She is able to actually pinpoint exactly when a lapse is coming due to my change in behavior etc. Of course I ignore her warnings.
We have been to counselors etc..She really doesn't understand addiction and tends to just get angry and so that isn't really productive. Thank God she has stayed by my side to this point.
The pain of not knowing where i am, whether I alive, in jail etc..really takes a toll on her.
But I certainly understand your concern, thank you.
Yes my wife knows of both of my addiction. She is able to actually pinpoint exactly when a lapse is coming due to my change in behavior etc. Of course I ignore her warnings.
We have been to counselors etc..She really doesn't understand addiction and tends to just get angry and so that isn't really productive. Thank God she has stayed by my side to this point.
The pain of not knowing where i am, whether I alive, in jail etc..really takes a toll on her.
And yours because you have addictions and I do too.....Its hard....I hope you find your way somehow...maybe this forum will help you in some way...it seems to help so many.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by BrianK
I turn 41 next month and I haven't had more than 90 consecutive days in the last 20 years, and my drugs of choice were just beer and cigarettes. So hearing you can put multiple 6+ month stretches together tells me you have a lot of ammo to fight this and win. The huge thing for me is that I know at that level too deep for words that I simply can't live any kind of life I want to live if alcohol is a part of it. Sounds like you're in a similar place.
What's really scary now is that I'm afraid my next binge may be the end of the line for me. I was hospitalized 2 years ago for an overdose.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 4
Thanks for the encouragement Dee74. I am really hoping that SR and a couple other tools that I add to my recovery will take me over this hurdle. I am scheduling with a local counselor today, and will go the see her once a month.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
Reading this is awesome. I hope that you accomplish it. You sound like a very smart person.
I have the same problem with alcohol and cocaine. The last time, it led me to a very close point of overdosing. And, I'm sure you know the feeling on the days following that binge. I have never done cocaine sober.
Step by step.
I have the same problem with alcohol and cocaine. The last time, it led me to a very close point of overdosing. And, I'm sure you know the feeling on the days following that binge. I have never done cocaine sober.
Step by step.
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Alcohol was my gateway to hard drugs as well. I went long stretches between binges too. The sucky part is i feel worse in general both physically and mentally after each binge. Even though there’s space in between the binges really take a long term toll. That’s how it is for me. I know that u can find recovery just dont give up n keep trying different methods till u find the one that works for u
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Hey Losername,
Thanks for being here.
I have been clean from Meth for about 12 years, I think... I stopped counting at some point after 10. Well, anyways. Life is so much better without that crap.
Just the legal anxiety alone is awesome. Knowing if I ever get pulled over I do not fear what I may have in the car.
I have all my teeth, they needed some work but nothing major. I was also weird and would over brush and bathe myself as I always felt so gross when I was high.
I have no felonies, but I was not far off from catching a few.
I did get pulled over once with a good amount in my car, I had a warrant for my arrest but I hid the drugs and they never found them. So, I no longer do stupid crap such as that.
My job is not at risk of losing because the come down would put me in my bed for 3 days just to wake up on that 3rd day looking for more.
My life is not surrounded by crooks, thieves, manipulation, toxic people.
Dealers are not looking for me
The list is endless.
Now, alcohol. That was legal.
I did get a DUI
I did a lot of stupid things while I was drinking.
That old me is gone.
Today I live sober.
I practice sobriety daily.
My son is happy and I am much less grabby (hung over)
I found a hobby that really helped me. I paint. it wasn't too expensive and I was able to mix color and just pour my anger into it. Never did it matter what the painting looked like, the goal was to remove the negative energy in me. And it worked.
I also picked up weights again, and I tell you what, that WORKS too. Exhaustion!
I will pray for you and your family.
You can overcome this.
You do not have to pick up again in 6-8 months.
Is it worth it?
Hell no.
'Find something to keep your hands and mind busy.
Maybe now is a good tie to pick up something you never thought you would have an interest in and get involved in it.
Blessings,
DC
Thanks for being here.
I have been clean from Meth for about 12 years, I think... I stopped counting at some point after 10. Well, anyways. Life is so much better without that crap.
Just the legal anxiety alone is awesome. Knowing if I ever get pulled over I do not fear what I may have in the car.
I have all my teeth, they needed some work but nothing major. I was also weird and would over brush and bathe myself as I always felt so gross when I was high.
I have no felonies, but I was not far off from catching a few.
I did get pulled over once with a good amount in my car, I had a warrant for my arrest but I hid the drugs and they never found them. So, I no longer do stupid crap such as that.
My job is not at risk of losing because the come down would put me in my bed for 3 days just to wake up on that 3rd day looking for more.
My life is not surrounded by crooks, thieves, manipulation, toxic people.
Dealers are not looking for me
The list is endless.
Now, alcohol. That was legal.
I did get a DUI
I did a lot of stupid things while I was drinking.
That old me is gone.
Today I live sober.
I practice sobriety daily.
My son is happy and I am much less grabby (hung over)
I found a hobby that really helped me. I paint. it wasn't too expensive and I was able to mix color and just pour my anger into it. Never did it matter what the painting looked like, the goal was to remove the negative energy in me. And it worked.
I also picked up weights again, and I tell you what, that WORKS too. Exhaustion!
I will pray for you and your family.
You can overcome this.
You do not have to pick up again in 6-8 months.
Is it worth it?
Hell no.
'Find something to keep your hands and mind busy.
Maybe now is a good tie to pick up something you never thought you would have an interest in and get involved in it.
Blessings,
DC
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