I need to be honest...I feel myself slipping
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Location: Warwick RI
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I need to be honest...I feel myself slipping
And I DID go to the beach today and it made me feel worse...being there alone....
I haven't been to the beach ALONE in my entire life....lol.
And the last time I went to this specific beach I was with my sister...last August and she is dead now. So, I pushed THAT thought away as soon as it came up and started focusing on the activity around me.
Not sure it was such a good idea to go to the beach today...
When I got out of the car...I started to have a panic attack...I said STARTED...I think panic attacks are over exaggerated..I think a lot of people say they have panic attacks when actually they have "anxiety" attacks"....
I have only had one full blown "panic" attack in the last 3 years....
It was an uncontrollable shaking of my whole body that I didn't realize was starting and then I couldn't stop it and it scared me so much I happened to have a chair behind me that I collapsed into and couldn't breathe, I didn't know what was wrong with me or that it would pass...I thought i needed an ambulance.......that did not happen today....Thank God.
But my anxiety raised to a level of flight or fight today getting out of the car and onto the beach and I kept telling myself it was ok....
Then all of a SUDDEN... I was telling myself to leave and go get some alcohol....
I actually turned around and started back to my car...and then said NO....you are going to lay on the beach and if you go get alcohol AFTER whatever...but you are NOT leaving here without getting some color....And I stayed.
When I was leaving the feeling of needing to drink had subsided thank God....and I knew it was really important for me to get something to eat really fast because I barely ate at all today...(trigger)..
So I did get something to eat....Crawling in bed tonight I was thinking...HAD I left the beach at 2pm when I arrived and got beer I would be so smashed right now.
I'm glad I am not smashed and tomorrow I think I am just going to stick with my Dad....as much as I complain about having to take care of him
I realized...I feel "safe" around him.....if I can waste enough of the day taking care of him...and back to the routine of watching the Price is Right....lol.....than I probably can make it thru some more days.
Another scary thing is I am not even entertaining the thought of returning to AA yet....and that is another sign I am slipping.....
I feel another drink coming on even thou I avoided it today. I'm going to try to think it thru thou.....
Another thing that I think stopped me from thinking about alcohol was my X husband called me while I was on the beach to see what I was doing....I said I was on the beach....he said ALONE? WOW.
I said YEA Alone....and he asked...have you been drinking? I said NO...He said Wow...Good for you.....
And so there was no way I was going to drink after that conversation...he was really happy I wasn't....and probably told both my kids (one lives with me) that he was surprised that I was not drinking...so the last thing I wanted to do was come home drunk.
But it is very RARE for me to get thru a strong craving like I had today.
I was also thinking about this room and how some of us are in the same time frame of recovery and how I didn't want to let anyone down....
So this room has helped me as well.
Sorry for the long rant...I'm about to erase it....but I know I like to know how everyone is doing....so if anyone is wondering about ME...this is how I am doing.
I haven't been to the beach ALONE in my entire life....lol.
And the last time I went to this specific beach I was with my sister...last August and she is dead now. So, I pushed THAT thought away as soon as it came up and started focusing on the activity around me.
Not sure it was such a good idea to go to the beach today...
When I got out of the car...I started to have a panic attack...I said STARTED...I think panic attacks are over exaggerated..I think a lot of people say they have panic attacks when actually they have "anxiety" attacks"....
I have only had one full blown "panic" attack in the last 3 years....
It was an uncontrollable shaking of my whole body that I didn't realize was starting and then I couldn't stop it and it scared me so much I happened to have a chair behind me that I collapsed into and couldn't breathe, I didn't know what was wrong with me or that it would pass...I thought i needed an ambulance.......that did not happen today....Thank God.
But my anxiety raised to a level of flight or fight today getting out of the car and onto the beach and I kept telling myself it was ok....
Then all of a SUDDEN... I was telling myself to leave and go get some alcohol....
I actually turned around and started back to my car...and then said NO....you are going to lay on the beach and if you go get alcohol AFTER whatever...but you are NOT leaving here without getting some color....And I stayed.
When I was leaving the feeling of needing to drink had subsided thank God....and I knew it was really important for me to get something to eat really fast because I barely ate at all today...(trigger)..
So I did get something to eat....Crawling in bed tonight I was thinking...HAD I left the beach at 2pm when I arrived and got beer I would be so smashed right now.
I'm glad I am not smashed and tomorrow I think I am just going to stick with my Dad....as much as I complain about having to take care of him
I realized...I feel "safe" around him.....if I can waste enough of the day taking care of him...and back to the routine of watching the Price is Right....lol.....than I probably can make it thru some more days.
Another scary thing is I am not even entertaining the thought of returning to AA yet....and that is another sign I am slipping.....
I feel another drink coming on even thou I avoided it today. I'm going to try to think it thru thou.....
Another thing that I think stopped me from thinking about alcohol was my X husband called me while I was on the beach to see what I was doing....I said I was on the beach....he said ALONE? WOW.
I said YEA Alone....and he asked...have you been drinking? I said NO...He said Wow...Good for you.....
And so there was no way I was going to drink after that conversation...he was really happy I wasn't....and probably told both my kids (one lives with me) that he was surprised that I was not drinking...so the last thing I wanted to do was come home drunk.
But it is very RARE for me to get thru a strong craving like I had today.
I was also thinking about this room and how some of us are in the same time frame of recovery and how I didn't want to let anyone down....
So this room has helped me as well.
Sorry for the long rant...I'm about to erase it....but I know I like to know how everyone is doing....so if anyone is wondering about ME...this is how I am doing.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 290
Please don't erase it. I had a few low spots today myself. Nothing like you dealt with. But they forced me to rely on God, this group, other folks at church. But I could feel the critical point in the day when I would normally go get beer. I was aware of it, but didn't entertain it. But for me, those two things are WAY to close together for me to be casual about.
What really stands out to me is you're dealing with a number of things at once, any one of which would be a reasonable excuse for a non-alcoholic person to have a drink and relax. Sometimes all I wanna hear is, "Ouch! I can see why you're struggling now!"
We can't figure out the answers for each other, but we can learn and hope and pray for each other. You've been especially helpful to me these past few days, and are part of the reason I'm sober today.
Please come back tomorrow!
What really stands out to me is you're dealing with a number of things at once, any one of which would be a reasonable excuse for a non-alcoholic person to have a drink and relax. Sometimes all I wanna hear is, "Ouch! I can see why you're struggling now!"
We can't figure out the answers for each other, but we can learn and hope and pray for each other. You've been especially helpful to me these past few days, and are part of the reason I'm sober today.
Please come back tomorrow!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
I hope you won't give in to the cravings to drink. You don't want to be back at square one. 
Post here if you can. Or go to bed early. Sleeping is a good way to get thru cravings.
Post here if you can. Or go to bed early. Sleeping is a good way to get thru cravings.
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Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by BrianK 
Please don't erase it. I had a few low spots today myself. Nothing like you dealt with. But they forced me to rely on God, this group, other folks at church. But I could feel the critical point in the day when I would normally go get beer. I was aware of it, but didn't entertain it. But for me, those two things are WAY to close together for me to be casual about.
What really stands out to me is you're dealing with a number of things at once, any one of which would be a reasonable excuse for a non-alcoholic person to have a drink and relax. Sometimes all I wanna hear is, "Ouch! I can see why you're struggling now!"
We can't figure out the answers for each other, but we can learn and hope and pray for each other. You've been especially helpful to me these past few days, and are part of the reason I'm sober today.
Please come back tomorrow!
What really stands out to me is you're dealing with a number of things at once, any one of which would be a reasonable excuse for a non-alcoholic person to have a drink and relax. Sometimes all I wanna hear is, "Ouch! I can see why you're struggling now!"
We can't figure out the answers for each other, but we can learn and hope and pray for each other. You've been especially helpful to me these past few days, and are part of the reason I'm sober today.
Please come back tomorrow!
You have also helped me...and I have noticed that you are a very intelligent articulate man....so don't you blow it either
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 239
Hey, Missy! Way to fight through. You're awesome!
You are going through so much. You are obviously amazingly strong! Use that strength to keep moving forward!
Glad the group could be a little motivation for you You have motivated and encouraged so many of us!
You are going through so much. You are obviously amazingly strong! Use that strength to keep moving forward!
Glad the group could be a little motivation for you
You have motivated and encouraged so many of us!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by least
I hope you won't give in to the cravings to drink. You don't want to be back at square one.
Post here if you can. Or go to bed early. Sleeping is a good way to get thru cravings.
Post here if you can. Or go to bed early. Sleeping is a good way to get thru cravings.
Speaking of sleep...I forgot my sleep gummies today ......I took the last 2 last night....so NOW I am shooken that I don't have them.
But I will get up right now and take a 1/2 Trazadone.
I can't take the whole thing...but if I don't take anything I will be wired all night and not be able to sleep.
Prescribed....and anti anxiety prescribed....so they will help....
I have Frontal Temporal Dementia as well (not caused by alcohol, cause I asked) which makes me very moody...and interferes with my sleep patterns...I found these gummy bears over the counter that are super helpful...but expensive (16 bucks).....OLLY Restful Sleep if anyone has trouble sleeping.
Chew two and I'm out like a light....up 2 hours later...but at least I don't toss and turn.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
Today was rough for me too, and I can feel that I’m getting into some danger zone. In my mind I wouldn’t have a relapse, I’ll just have one night and then continue not drinking the next day. Of course, I know that if I do it once, then it probably won’t take long until I do it the next time, and then it goes downhill. My trigger today was that I was meeting a couple of very influential people in my line of work, and they sat down at a restaurant and ordered a drink each and asked what I was having. I wavered for a second, but am happy to say that I managed to stick with soda water. I’m happy I did because they both just sipped their drinks the entire meeting, and then left both glasses half full. I would have gulped down a drink in a second and then been super frustrated that they didn’t drink faster.
Anyway, my problem was that it set some cravings in motion, and I was again thinking that I could just do one night. My AV is smart though, because it was telling me that it wasn’t about moderation (I know moderation doesn’t work, that’s why I’m here in the first place); Instead, I would drink non-moderately only for one evening, and then go back to not drinking. So see, I’m not trying to be moderate, because we know that doesn’t work. Anyway, I managed to say no, and got myself some popcorn and soda water for the motel.
I too was thinking about this group, how I don’t want to let everyone down, particularly those who have about the same amount of days, I think my slipping could cause someone else to slip, and I would be devastated about that.
Anyway, day 10, still here.
Anyway, my problem was that it set some cravings in motion, and I was again thinking that I could just do one night. My AV is smart though, because it was telling me that it wasn’t about moderation (I know moderation doesn’t work, that’s why I’m here in the first place); Instead, I would drink non-moderately only for one evening, and then go back to not drinking. So see, I’m not trying to be moderate, because we know that doesn’t work. Anyway, I managed to say no, and got myself some popcorn and soda water for the motel.
I too was thinking about this group, how I don’t want to let everyone down, particularly those who have about the same amount of days, I think my slipping could cause someone else to slip, and I would be devastated about that.
Anyway, day 10, still here.
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Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by nadt
Hey, Missy! Way to fight through. You're awesome!
You are going through so much. You are obviously amazingly strong! Use that strength to keep moving forward!
Glad the group could be a little motivation for you You have motivated and encouraged so many of us!
You are going through so much. You are obviously amazingly strong! Use that strength to keep moving forward!
Glad the group could be a little motivation for you
You have motivated and encouraged so many of us!I am going to keep moving forward...I think my Father and sister will be impressed that I am not moaning that I screwed up again tomorrow....I think they will be shocked actually.
Cause I wrote my sister a TEXT when I was on the beach in capital letters...I WANT A F-ING BEER! And all she said was "Oh no".
And I just thought of it that I did not write her back and tell her that I did not drink...she drinks every night so she probably forgot about me tonight...but I will be texting her tomorrow...she will be happy for me too.....
Thank you for your support...Let me know how you feel.
I may go play solitaire....but I will definetly see it in the morning...I'm not going to play yet thou.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
Balance is everythign to me. I've read about your situation and I know its hard to find balance, or carve out a little bit of you time, but I hope you will - it's more than important for me - it's vital.
As long as I have a life I want to escape from - and as long as my only means of escape or respite is drinking...I'm in trouble.
I did this a while ago hope all the links are current:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...f-respite.html (Relief and Respite)
some great ideas here about a recovery action plan too:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
Stick with us Misssy
D
As long as I have a life I want to escape from - and as long as my only means of escape or respite is drinking...I'm in trouble.
I did this a while ago hope all the links are current:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...f-respite.html (Relief and Respite)
some great ideas here about a recovery action plan too:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
Stick with us Misssy
D
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by Finallytime
Today was rough for me too, and I can feel that I’m getting into some danger zone. In my mind I wouldn’t have a relapse, I’ll just have one night and then continue not drinking the next day. Of course, I know that if I do it once, then it probably won’t take long until I do it the next time, and then it goes downhill. My trigger today was that I was meeting a couple of very influential people in my line of work, and they sat down at a restaurant and ordered a drink each and asked what I was having. I wavered for a second, but am happy to say that I managed to stick with soda water. I’m happy I did because they both just sipped their drinks the entire meeting, and then left both glasses half full. I would have gulped down a drink in a second and then been super frustrated that they didn’t drink faster.
Anyway, my problem was that it set some cravings in motion, and I was again thinking that I could just do one night. My AV is smart though, because it was telling me that it wasn’t about moderation (I know moderation doesn’t work, that’s why I’m here in the first place); Instead, I would drink non-moderately only for one evening, and then go back to not drinking. So see, I’m not trying to be moderate, because we know that doesn’t work. Anyway, I managed to say no, and got myself some popcorn and soda water for the motel.
I too was thinking about this group, how I don’t want to let everyone down, particularly those who have about the same amount of days, I think my slipping could cause someone else to slip, and I would be devastated about that.
Anyway, day 10, still here.
Anyway, my problem was that it set some cravings in motion, and I was again thinking that I could just do one night. My AV is smart though, because it was telling me that it wasn’t about moderation (I know moderation doesn’t work, that’s why I’m here in the first place); Instead, I would drink non-moderately only for one evening, and then go back to not drinking. So see, I’m not trying to be moderate, because we know that doesn’t work. Anyway, I managed to say no, and got myself some popcorn and soda water for the motel.
I too was thinking about this group, how I don’t want to let everyone down, particularly those who have about the same amount of days, I think my slipping could cause someone else to slip, and I would be devastated about that.
Anyway, day 10, still here.
Because everything you said is right on the money....I was also telling myself that it would just be tonight...You sound SURE that for you it would have been but then soon after the **** would hit the fan.
Me...not so sure that I wouldn't drink tomorrow if I drank tonight which was another thing that stopped me....But I was trying to fool myself that it could be true that I could drink today and then not tomorrow....WOW.
And like you said too....I'm here for a reason....I CANT moderate...I have tried, and tried and tried....I'm 55 years old....I have tried way too many times and I keep getting lucky going thru horrendous detoxes....and living thru them.
I'm not someone who remembers what my last detox was like....I do remember it....but I convince myself it won't be that way this time....yea...OK.
Thank you so much for your support and getting the popcorn and soda water was super smart...and they don't care if you drink or not....And If I was there and decided to drink....I'm sure I wouldn't have made a very good impression on these clients...cause I've never been in a resturaunt and had less than 3 drinks...I would have been stalling them...and I'm sure that would not have been good.
So great for you that you got thru that...now you know YOU CAN.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
Thanks Missy, those are true words. We can do this!
I’m so proud of everyone here at SR, we all go through the same thing, and we stick together. We know what the other is going through, and I think that might be the most helpful thing of all actually, that I know that everyone else here is experiencing more or less the same thing, and understand how it feels, the struggles we go through.
I’m so proud of everyone here at SR, we all go through the same thing, and we stick together. We know what the other is going through, and I think that might be the most helpful thing of all actually, that I know that everyone else here is experiencing more or less the same thing, and understand how it feels, the struggles we go through.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by Misssy2
You sound really good today NADT....I hope that you are feeling better...
I am going to keep moving forward...I think my Father and sister will be impressed that I am not moaning that I screwed up again tomorrow....I think they will be shocked actually.
Cause I wrote my sister a TEXT when I was on the beach in capital letters...I WANT A F-ING BEER! And all she said was "Oh no".
And I just thought of it that I did not write her back and tell her that I did not drink...she drinks every night so she probably forgot about me tonight...but I will be texting her tomorrow...she will be happy for me too.....
Thank you for your support...Let me know how you feel.
I may go play solitaire....but I will definetly see it in the morning...I'm not going to play yet thou.
I am going to keep moving forward...I think my Father and sister will be impressed that I am not moaning that I screwed up again tomorrow....I think they will be shocked actually.
Cause I wrote my sister a TEXT when I was on the beach in capital letters...I WANT A F-ING BEER! And all she said was "Oh no".
And I just thought of it that I did not write her back and tell her that I did not drink...she drinks every night so she probably forgot about me tonight...but I will be texting her tomorrow...she will be happy for me too.....
Thank you for your support...Let me know how you feel.
I may go play solitaire....but I will definetly see it in the morning...I'm not going to play yet thou.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
The beach and anxiety are huge triggers for me as well. The good thing is you got through this today, reinforcing how strong you are and the longer you go without giving in the less likely future cravings hold any power. I too felt I would slip by going to the beach. I went today and last Sunday. I sat there watching the water, the sky, hearing the sounds, feeling the sand and warm air. I realized I don’t need the BS distractions of alcohol. It doesn’t add to the experience. I got in and actually swam and if I had drank I wouldn’t have swam, I would have sat in the sand getting bloated and distracted from the real beauty of the beach. To be honest I thought no way this morning, maybe 1 or 2 beers to fit in with friends but I had water and got through it, I didn’t slip. it was better than any drunk time at the beach.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by Dee74
Balance is everythign to me. I've read about your situation and I know its hard to find balance, or carve out a little bit of you time, but I hope you will - it's more than important for me - it's vital.
As long as I have a life I want to escape from - and as long as my only means of escape or respite is drinking...I'm in trouble.
I did this a while ago hope all the links are current:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...f-respite.html (Relief and Respite)
some great ideas here about a recovery action plan too:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
Stick with us Misssy
D
As long as I have a life I want to escape from - and as long as my only means of escape or respite is drinking...I'm in trouble.
I did this a while ago hope all the links are current:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...f-respite.html (Relief and Respite)
some great ideas here about a recovery action plan too:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
Stick with us Misssy
D
Member
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by nadt
Hey! I definitely am feeling some better, but not any where near well. It's embarrassing, but finally today...at day 5... I was able to take a shower. I also was able to eat a little bit of oatmeal. So at least I've had a little more than just watermelon today. Just not enough.
Eating the oatmeal is a good sign that Day 6 is going to be even better...FINALLY.....
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Originally Posted by mariposa
The beach and anxiety are huge triggers for me as well. The good thing is you got through this today, reinforcing how strong you are and the longer you go without giving in the less likely future cravings hold any power. I too felt I would slip by going to the beach. I went today and last Sunday. I sat there watching the water, the sky, hearing the sounds, feeling the sand and warm air. I realized I don’t need the BS distractions of alcohol. It doesn’t add to the experience. I got in and actually swam and if I had drank I wouldn’t have swam, I would have sat in the sand getting bloated and distracted from the real beauty of the beach. To be honest I thought no way this morning, maybe 1 or 2 beers to fit in with friends but I had water and got through it, I didn’t slip. it was better than any drunk time at the beach.
I have never been drunk ON the beach since I have been an adult...I don't even really like the beach but I don't like tanning booths more.
And I am a very pasty white person...so I wanted color to feel better about myself...
Its inspiring to me that you have gone 2x and wanted to drink and didn't...I will think of YOU next time I am at the beach..
Thank you for your support!
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Hey Missy- like others said, don't delete the long posts (or shorter ones!) - they help you and I'm pretty sure others - like a couple people here have said!!
A couple things you did perfectly -
wait, the most important one: you . did. not. drink!
Each of us have experiences of the kind you did, in our own way or moments or whatever. It is normal and it is your journey and - you know bottom line what to do.
I'll just pick up on one other thing you did, and I'd tweak about based on your share - pick a different location. Go somewhere else. I had to realize that if something I thought I was "supposed" to like or find calming just wasn't - leaving was the best thing. Literally changing location a) takes up a little time b) can help your mind change more quickly and c) get you to a mentally safer place.
I'd agree with others who said sometimes I just wanted words of support (so if I didn't get them from a sister like you didn't - trying someone else
) and other times straight talk (like some of us have said w your dad) and other times practical advice. Sometimes I didn't even know which I needed -
It all takes time and I do love one thing you did: "I won't drink - NOW" - sometimes, putting off that decision a bit, so to speak, gets us thru just enough to realize we don't want to do it that day at all. Kind of like when I started running again and I'd say 1/4 mile is enough. Then, if it was the treadmill, say ok, just 1/4 more - and I kept building muscles and strength. I found sobriety like that in the beginning.
glad you are here!
A couple things you did perfectly -
wait, the most important one: you . did. not. drink!
Each of us have experiences of the kind you did, in our own way or moments or whatever. It is normal and it is your journey and - you know bottom line what to do.
I'll just pick up on one other thing you did, and I'd tweak about based on your share - pick a different location. Go somewhere else. I had to realize that if something I thought I was "supposed" to like or find calming just wasn't - leaving was the best thing. Literally changing location a) takes up a little time b) can help your mind change more quickly and c) get you to a mentally safer place.
I'd agree with others who said sometimes I just wanted words of support (so if I didn't get them from a sister like you didn't - trying someone else
) and other times straight talk (like some of us have said w your dad) and other times practical advice. Sometimes I didn't even know which I needed - It all takes time and I do love one thing you did: "I won't drink - NOW" - sometimes, putting off that decision a bit, so to speak, gets us thru just enough to realize we don't want to do it that day at all. Kind of like when I started running again and I'd say 1/4 mile is enough. Then, if it was the treadmill, say ok, just 1/4 more - and I kept building muscles and strength. I found sobriety like that in the beginning.
glad you are here!
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OH! And one very strong suggestion I have: get rid of the word SLIP.
Everything we do to not drink- or drink- is a choice. Implementing the literal strategies to take us further away from a drink not closer to one are critical.
Everything we do to not drink- or drink- is a choice. Implementing the literal strategies to take us further away from a drink not closer to one are critical.
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Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by August252015
OH! And one very strong suggestion I have: get rid of the word SLIP.
Everything we do to not drink- or drink- is a choice. Implementing the literal strategies to take us further away from a drink not closer to one are critical.
Everything we do to not drink- or drink- is a choice. Implementing the literal strategies to take us further away from a drink not closer to one are critical.
And when he is not around..I sneak it in...fill the cooler with ice...put it in my room and 90% of the time he doesn't know on the first day of drinking....usually by day 3 is he is aware...he has told me by the things I start cooking (usually hamburgers cause they are easy)...lol
The scary part for me right now is I don't know why I am not willing to go back to AA yet...I'm not shy...don't care what others think...but something is holding me back.
I KNOW it has saved my life before...there are a ton of meetings in my area...literally all within a mile or two radius of me at all times of the day 10, 11, 12, 5 and 7...even 9....
I know I can't do this alone...I know I'm in danger....
I woke up feeling so GOOD about not drinking yesterday..that I will try to hold on to that feeling and all of the support I have received here to get me thru the day...
Maybe sometime during this week....something will get thru this thick skull and i will go back to meetings...
Thanks again.
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