BrianK

Came across this this morning:

Now, yesterday was depressed. Not sad. Though there were a couple moments I wanted to cry and nothing had made me sad. But depressed, like someone was literally pressing down on me and I had to make a conscious effort to get myself to move. And I had also gotten a decent amount of sleep and was eating well.

Ok, Day 4, I figured, what do I expect? (Day 5 now). Then I wondered if this time I hadn't made the decision to quit drinking from a deeper place. I wasn't so much ashamed this time or afraid of what I did or could have done, as afraid that if I keep this up my life is going to end up pointless. A few weeks ago someone suggested I pray for deep healing with the drinking issue. I wonder if God stepped in more intensely yesterday, and that was part of the overall feeling.

I can't know for sure what happened, but what I do know is that when I considered that this might be what's going on, that God might just be reaching in to places I'm not willing to go, ("that God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves") my relationship with the soreness and depression changed. It was till there, but it had more purpose. I visualized each hurt and low mood I felt, no longer as something being pushed on me by a world that I wanted to get away from, but as a toxin being pulled from deep within me, up to the surface, and released into the atmosphere.

By the end of the day I was dragging, but not sad; tired, but not beaten. It was Friday night, I was wiped out, and I had a "boring" evening ahead of me at home. I think we all know what this is a recipe for.

Yet drinking simply wasn't something I wanted to do. Yes, as I passed my usual landmarks where I decide whether or not to pick up beer on the way home I remembered how my usual Friday evening routine went. But I just didn't want to. I wasn't avoiding it. It just wasn't something I wanted to do. I just felt cleaner, in a deep place that I haven't always done the best job of keeping clean.

And this morning I came across the quote above.

This whole experience felt like too much to keep to myself, so I wanted to share it in the hope that the next time someone else feels a bit bogged down this might make your stride a little more focused and the terrain a little less soggy.

Plus I've put it out there, which makes me accountable to practice patience and be mindful myself, and I can always use a healthy dose of accountability

Peace, and

August252015

thank you for sharing! This, and your other recent posts.

I love when something timely comes in our path- keeping going thru these progressing feelings and moods. I believe they are instructive also and I need God's help to learn and trust- and that dr thing, too!

D122y

After this amount of time without being under the influence of booze I still get weird emotions and feelings.

I can't say they made me get drunk in the past because I drank because I was physically and mentally addicted and had no knowledge of what I was dealing with.

Now educated I know that booze causes almost immediate addiction. It is a neurotoxin that alters my central nervous system. Like anything else I ingest, it becomes part of my inner makings (e.g. permeates every cell of my body).

Now I know this and as a bright and aware human I can decide what I do to myself. I know that since I got unknowingly addicted it is going to take a long long long time to normalize. I am still normalizing.

Along the way I suffer through bouts of cravings. The first few months the craves were like hell on earth. Then they didn't hurt as much, but my addict mind rationalized this as a reason to celebrate. So basically, the craves morphed.

This has gone on and on until now. The crave morphs, but the fundamental rules is that I am a born again very proud non drinker. My eyes are bright white, I have more stamina the 90% of the drinking people I know because I am so healthy.

I will never give this back.

Thanks.

nadt

Thank you for sharing. Way to go on your mindfulness in your sobriety.

Misssy2

Brian K...I know that for me depression is just part of the cycle of recovery for the first couple of weeks.

You sound REALLY good...and you are so blessed that the "triggers" and "reminders" are not sending you down the same path.....

I can tell that you "have" the gift.....I was given this gift in 2005...and kept it until 2013.

Don't ever let it go...because if you drink you may never be able to "feel" this way again.

BrianK

Wow. Thank you for sharing this! That is what it feels like this time: a gift. I didn't "figure anything out" for sure. A couple months ago something told me that part of the "new freedom and the new peace" we receive is that new sliver of a window of awareness between a trigger and the first drink; the ability to say "yeah, I can feel the urge, and I have a choice, God...help me." It wasn't something I read, but there is just this understanding that I don't HAVE to drink, and that that understanding might be the "gift", and I'd better make use of it. I know they say we don't all get "zapped" with a white-light experience, but for years I guess a tiny part of me secretly thought that people who "got it" really had had some sort of experience like that. What you shared helps me feel like I'm standing on firmer ground!

nadt

Hope you have had a good day, Brian.

Glad you are here. Thank you for the morning inspiration