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Coping with work

Old 06-06-2019, 10:49 AM
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Coping with work

Iím 33 and have been at my current job for 9 years and pretty much drank every single day of those, except for a short break years ago. I was diagnosed with a minor heart condition in 2013 and I have really exaggerated the condition to my employer. I get special treatment like getting to leave early ocassionally or working from home when I request it. I think they are really worried I will keel over at work.

The thing that makes me feel guilty is Im taking advantage of them, I have used it as an excuse to drink. If I wake up with a terrible hangover I just mention the heart condition and boom another day off. I have regular check ups so no problem making it seem plausible. They even pay me full sick money.
Iím done with the lying to my employers, i canít do it any more and its sttessing me out so much but i cannot admit to them or they will 99% fire me. I have not had a drop for a week and stayed at work each day, no leaving early or anything in fact i have been doing overtime to keep myself busy. I just hate the idea that i have cheated them due to this terrible addiction through all the support they gave me.

Today i had to take so many breaks (every half hour or so) as i was feeling like i wanted to cry at my desk. Nobody knows im an alcoholic at work or has ever mentioned it. It makes me feel awful that i am this good of a liar. Im sure many fellow friends here have also lied to keep their job?
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Old 06-06-2019, 12:12 PM
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I have called in sick with hangovers. The great thing about being sober is the honesty, I missed one day due to an appointment out of 4 months now that Iím sober. You should maybe put the past behind you, stay sober and the guilt will lessen. Take time off only when you are genuinely sick and give your employer your best.
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Old 06-06-2019, 12:31 PM
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Tictoc,
First off, awesome that youíve got a week in the bag, congrats! Now itís totally normal to feel guilt and shame about what youíve done in the past, but you are trying to be better person and youíre also doing whatís right (fair) to your employers.
The best thing you can do is stay sober, put time between you and your last drink. Time is the great healer - keep doing a great job at your company and in six months/one year from now everything will be in balance. Being patient and, most importantly, forgive yourself for what youíve done! Itís over, youíve started a new life.
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Old 06-06-2019, 04:19 PM
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I'm amazed you have that strong of a conscience, period! It's awesome to see that, especially in our modern narcissistic culture. I don't have nearly enough sober time to make suggestions, but I did want to show my appreciation for seeing someone with integrity. I just have a feeling that the fact that you're seeking to do the right thing is going to provide you with the solution you seek in due time.
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Old 06-06-2019, 04:42 PM
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I think we all have things that we feel guilty about from our drinking days. I know I had a lot of problems with dealing with the shame and guilt of my actions and how I hurt people. I think you should accept you made some mistakes but you are changing and intend to live an honest life. I often, really often, think of the brilliant Maya Angelou's quote: "I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better."

I think it's never a good idea to discuss your alcoholism with co-workers. I think there is too much of a stigma, unfortunately. Also, if there is a situation where you don't feel well or you are late for work, you leave yourself open to bosses/co-workers thinking the worst.
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Old 06-06-2019, 04:44 PM
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Hi TicToc

I think, if you're not going to tell them, you'll need to find another way to put this guilt to rest.

I tried to make my life a living amends, I try to do good everyday, I make contributions to charity, I've volunteered for things in my community.

All of that stuff helped me focus on today rather than always looking back to yesterday,

D
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Old 06-07-2019, 01:08 PM
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I just wanted to say thank you all for the responses and words of support to me. It means the world. I was feeling very bad the last couple of days, but today felt better at work. One day at a time
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Old 06-07-2019, 01:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Tictoc View Post
It makes me feel awful that i am this good of a liar.
Ugghhh. I know exactly what you mean. I've felt the same way recently. I can't believe how good of a liar I have become. It's shocking, really. I think you've received some great advice here. I really don't think you'd want to do anything to risk losing your job. That could seriously disrupt your sobriety.
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Old 06-07-2019, 01:47 PM
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One of the hardest things I had to do was tell my employer of 3 years that I was an alcoholic. When I finally told my boss, he said:

"I know. You think no one notices, but my ex-wife was an alcoholic...I could smell the alcohol on you almost every single morning".

This made me even more ashamed. But then what happened next changed my life. He told me he is proud of me for admitting that I have a problem, and he told me to take as much time off as I needed. He came and visited me in the hospital, every single day. He made it clear that when I was ready, and healthy, my position was waiting for me.

I'm sitting at my desk as I type this. That same desk where he could smell the alcohol on me. Every day he reminds me that I'm valued, that I'm important, and that he's proud of me. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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Old 06-07-2019, 01:50 PM
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That is great that you like your job.

I dont like mine, but i don't hate it. The main reason I don't like it is because I am a senior person, therefore believe, have earned special favor. E.g special hours and pick of my job duties. We are union. I get none of that.

The boss plays the union very well and has earned huge rewards because of this and other things. I don't like him but respect him for that.

My job is very cool, I have been there a long time and routinely do the toughest duties and still get a chance to make a difference and learn.

My situation seems different now than it was when I was actively addicted.

Now clean, I have a new found respect for all of my coworkers and boss. I now feel grateful they didn't wreck me. In my job, drinking is part of the culture. I decided to have my cake and eat it too...ala rock star.

I was on a bad path from the time I was 5 years old. I thank God and my Angel's everyday and they answer.

When I was your age, i was able to process the booze better. I was just getting warmed up. I quit for 8 months. Physically, it was easy. I now believe mentally I could not hack it. I needed more information that was not available. I had no internet. I had no SR.

Education and suffering got me this clean.

Thanks for the therapy.
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