Childhood Emotional Neglect
 

After a couple decades of searching for answers for why I feel so different than others, I finally found the problem: I have been suffering the effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect my entire life.

It explains all my struggles and why I developed ADHD. I couldn't see it because it is not abuse or trauma that can be memorable. It's about attention I didn't receive as a child. It didn't happen so I can't have formed memories. zit was so subtle that it is impossible to identify as it's happening.

I am 42 now. Huge problems in every aspect of my life. Alcohol was a coping mechanism for a problem I could never put my finger on. I answered yes to every question on a 20 question screening quiz.

What really made things come to light was the death of my mother last November. I was waiting for it to hit me emotionally ever since. Still nothing. No real emotion over her death. There was never an emotional bond created when I was an infant. Same with my father. No bond was created as a child.

I tried therapy a few years ago but I don't think I was capable or even willing to see it. My therapist tried but I don't think I could have responded to it. It made sense but I couldn't see it because I had no memory since emotional neglect about what didn't happen.

It is really sad that it took my mother dying to finally realize what has been wrong with me my whole life.

Anyone else experience Childhood Emotional Neglect?

I'm glad you've put a name to the problem., That a big step towards healing Canuck :)

D

I think I probably did. I didn't make the discovery until I was in my fifties and remaking contact with my extended family . They told me some things which kinda filled in a few blanks. It also explained some of the apparently nasty things my mother did to me even after Dad died. I cut off contact with her after that. She is BTW a chronic alcoholic of the hate filled variety. She hates me and the whole extended family equally. She is very fair minded like that.

Up till then I had no idea. Your parents are your parents, there is no basis for judging how good they are from the point of view of a child, they are just your normal parents.

It doesn't change the fact that I am an alcoholic. Early in my journey I cast about for reasons, but I concluded that even if I could pin it down to the fault of a single person, what good would it do? It may just create a resentment and I don't need one of those.

So I have concentrated on what is rather than why it is.

It was probably the biggest reason why I ended up becoming an alcoholic. My father was a terrible father and for many years I suffered from avoidant personality disorder as a result. I can be much more sociable now but I'll never be completely comfortable around others.

Forgiving my father was even harder than becoming sober but it needed to be done. These days our relationship is amicable and I don't wish for it to go beyond that.

It's good to know what's been bothering you. :hug: I hope you find some peace of mind. :hug:

I had an abusive childhood and my emotions/feelings were always ignored, always. I understand how much of an impact this can have on your life. I stopped expressing my feelings early on in my childhood. And, I had a hard time finding a direction in my life because I didn't know myself and I didn't know what I wanted.

What I would say to you is, use the fact of your mother's death and your enlightenment, as an opportunity to move forward with your life. Maybe you could be more open to therapy now. Life unfolds as it should and this is the right time for you to do some soul-searching. :)

Same thing here
 

I always knew something was wrong, but I never knew what. In my 50's I began to read psychology books and related my growing up to CPTSD. That is complex post traumatic stress. Too long a story to go into here, but I also used alcohol as a coping mechanism. At 17 I was introduced to beer and weed and it made things so much better and easier to deal with my home situation. It also became a life long problem. Some things I resolved myself, others time did it for me. So I can't say there was ever a clear path. Things that happen to you growing up can have a life long effect in my experience. How do you improve when you don't know what is wrong with yourself? If you are struggling, professional help is a huge benefit in my view.

Yes, I too experienced the childhood neglect and I figured it out many years ago myself...I think I figured it out when I was 16 and they kicked me out...

I just opened this thou..hoping that "we" or "I" would not blame the disease of alcoholism on Emotional Neglect....Many things have happened to me in my lifetime....serious bad....ugly things...but i never blamed them for my drinking.

I drank because I got the "gene" from my family tree to be an alcoholic...and I could have been born with a silver spoon in my mouth and loving parents...and I'm SURE I still would drink.

There are people out there that have had God awful things happen and they never turned into alcoholics or had problems with drugs....

We cover up **** with alcohol...but we also celebrate **** with alcohol...there was always a "reason" to have alcohol for me....but it was never the issue...the issue was I couldn't just have ONE or TWO drinks to take away the pain....I kept going cause I'm addicted to alcohol once I put in my body.

I don't blame my parents. They were seemingly caring and well-intentioned but they just didn't know how to provide for the emotional needs of a child. I am quite certain they both had also suffered from emotional neglect. My father certainly did. His father died when he was a child and he was sent off to boarding school. He never knew how to be a father.

My mother was also emotionally distant. She was an alcoholic for 30 years. In denial the whole time. I never really got a feel for who she was as a person. Very closed off. All we ever talked about on the phone was trivial stuff like the weather or something.

It was like my entire family were just masquerading as 'loving' family. I may be the only one so far to have realized the true emptiness that always existed in our household

One thing I am conflicted on is do I try to talk to my father about it. I don't think he would even respond to the notion at all. I don't know where to go from here but I believe I may have found the main catalyst for my alcoholism and substance abuse in general. Never could really understand why I couldn't stay sober for long.

Well it seems you have found also a catalyst for your recovery because you found this board...and its good to not be alone anymore...and have people that genuinely care....Its an odd feeling isn't it? :)

For many years I blamed my father for my alcoholism. Of course it was all BS, he never put a gun to my head and forced me to drink. I knew the road I was heading down a long time ago, I could have and should have gotten help many years ago before addiction really sunk its talons into my mind, body, and soul.

My drinking and the consequences of my drinking over the years is all my fault. I have forgiven my father for my painful childhood but the drinking falls squarely on my shoulders.

At the same time he is also accountable for his past misdeeds. I've made big strides in my two years of sobriety and I'm turning into somebody I can be proud of. I am my own man, my father's respect and admiration is not something I covet nor value. Our relationship is cordial and I have no interest in advancing it beyond that. I don't call him, I don't confide in him, and I don't ask for his advice. I wish for him to live out his remaining years on earth in happiness but we are never going to be pals.

Hopefully this was of some help to you.

I have never really known who I am. Probably why I never cared about the job I had or the relationship I was in. Didn't know what was was always missing: emotional connection. I guess I was just mimicking what I thought was how I should behave. Nothing ever felt right. I am basically a blank slate now that I realize what the issue is. Unfortunately, I am unemployed, broke, and don't have the resources for therapy. My father has been supporting me financially and paid for therapy a few years ago but I was still drinking and I had no clue what was going on with me. I couldn't be honest with my therapist. I just didn't know how to get in touch with my emotions.

This also explains why I have always been able to maintain friendships but not deeper emotional connections. My friends certainly have a different connection with their wives and children. I certainly care about my friends but could not develop the necessary connections in romantic relationships. Very different.

My heart goes out to you, Canuck. It sounds like you’ve had some real significant breakthroughs that will help propel you forward into recovery. If therapy didn’t work before, you probably weren’t ready yet and/or not with the right therapist. I would encourage you to go again. Perhaps you could talk through how to handle your father now? There’s different ways to approach this. Your father may never change, but letting him know how you feel could give you some peace. I don’t know the answer.

My early childhood years were good. But my family was highly dysfunctional, and somewhere along the way, starting in mid elementary school, both parents came unraveled, and from then on, I do think there was emotional neglect. Though I never quite thought of it that way because I know my parents loved me and were just sick in their own way. My mom had severe mental illness, an eating disorder and was an alcoholic and heavy smoker. My Dad was a workaholic and had other issues I won’t go into and was mostly absent. Later on, he started to change and be more present with me. That was after the death of two of my siblings who committed suicide. My mom died when I turned 40. Like you, I had delayed grief reaction and very conflicted emotions. I felt both grief and relief and guilt for not feeling more, the loss of a relationship I never had in the first place. I had brief therapy at the time but wasn’t ready. My alcoholism got worse after I had a child. The experience of having a child (he also has special needs, but is so much better now) forced me to look deeply into my own childhood. I finally went back to therapy and this time I was ready. I’m almost 2-1/2 years sober :)

I sometimes wonder if I am a sociopath because I may not have the correct emotional response to a situation. I think the more likely answer is that I suppress the emotions but that they are there.

Hi Canuck,

Sounds like you’ve had a breakthrough on what’s going on emotionally. If you aren’t able to afford therapy right now maybe you can find some good books on the topic to read and help you work through your feelings.

It’s great that your dad is supporting you financially, maybe he would bow up for listening to how you’re feeling.

I think I can probably turn to my sister and close friends. I have been isolating for years because I needed to figure it out. I got help for alcohol and ADHD, but knew there was something more profound that was eating at me. That's why I still didn't feel right whenever I got sober for long periods.

I am so overwhelmed right now. I don't know what to do with myself

I pretty much was raising myself, with the exception of some stints at my grandparents when I was sent away for the summertime, for my formative years. I had pretty much two emotional responses, fear and momentary times of happiness when things were not a state of fear. Nothing really in between there for me to grow upon.

I resented my parents a lot. I still don't have a really close bond with anyone in my family, just a couple of close friends who are separated by geography. It can be a lonely place, but I grew up lonely and am accustomed to it.

I'm not so afraid anymore, now that I have come to grips with being an addicted person, and that started at a young age for me as a coping thing that grew into full-blown alcoholism.

I'm happy that I have some sobriety under my belt now to let me lead a more normal existence, but I'm still working out my thoughts on relationships.

You have issues like we all do Canuck but you do not sound like a sociopath to me! You have a troubled past, which is not your fault, and you are just coming to terms with it. You are not alone here. Your self awareness is a giant step in recovery and growing as a better person :)