Childhood Emotional Neglect
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Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 73
This thread lead me to researching and boy do I relate now. This may be my own revelation on the matter but I found this site:
https://drjonicewebb.com/emotional-n...questionnaire/
I may check out this book for further exploration of this issue.
https://drjonicewebb.com/emotional-n...questionnaire/
I may check out this book for further exploration of this issue.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Yes, I have recently come to the conclusion that I have some childhood emotional neglect issues. I didn't answer yes to ALL of the questions, but 12-13 I think. I don't blame anyone, it is what it is, and my parents did the best they could. My parents were divorced when I was 2. My mom remarried when I was 4, that lasted until I was 9. I know my mom loves me, and she did her best to make sure I knew it, but I was left to my own devices A LOT, even as a pretty young child. I'm an only child. When my mom was married to my step dad, they were both working and going to school. I was alone a lot. And when they were home, they were usually studying. Then he started abusing her. We were constantly moving, and I switched schools a lot. All of this added up to a pretty miserable young childhood, as a whole.
When I was doing my 4th step, the ONE THING that kept coming up over and over again was FEAR. I was always afraid. I felt so alone in the world. Different. Outside. But when I'd try to express that feeling as a child, it was brushed off. To this day, I don't think my mom realizes how I went through life in a constant state of fear. As I'm typing this, I think it would be worth sitting down and discussing this with her.
So, not a serious case of neglect, but I do think it was enough that I developed an unhealthy way of forming relationships. I've been divorced twice, after marrying people who were clearly wrong for me, but paid attention to me and told me they loved me. Looking back, I think I didn't love them. I don't know if I can love the way other people seem to. I have strong attachment to some people, and I love my kids, but I still don't feel as strongly as I think other people can and do.
And I'm horribly worried I'm not supporting my kids (27 and 17) emotionally, because I really don't know how. We are close, and now that I'm sober it's getting better, but I'm still worried they will feel the same way I do as they get older. I don't know what to do about it at this point, but I'm aware of it and I'm trying.
When I was doing my 4th step, the ONE THING that kept coming up over and over again was FEAR. I was always afraid. I felt so alone in the world. Different. Outside. But when I'd try to express that feeling as a child, it was brushed off. To this day, I don't think my mom realizes how I went through life in a constant state of fear. As I'm typing this, I think it would be worth sitting down and discussing this with her.
So, not a serious case of neglect, but I do think it was enough that I developed an unhealthy way of forming relationships. I've been divorced twice, after marrying people who were clearly wrong for me, but paid attention to me and told me they loved me. Looking back, I think I didn't love them. I don't know if I can love the way other people seem to. I have strong attachment to some people, and I love my kids, but I still don't feel as strongly as I think other people can and do.
And I'm horribly worried I'm not supporting my kids (27 and 17) emotionally, because I really don't know how. We are close, and now that I'm sober it's getting better, but I'm still worried they will feel the same way I do as they get older. I don't know what to do about it at this point, but I'm aware of it and I'm trying.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
I am glad you are figuring out some very important things, Canuck--and you don't seem at all sociopathic to me. I was certainly a victim of childhood emotional neglect; my father was a virulent alcoholic who scarcely achieved any level of emotional maturity and my mother was too busy enabling him and trying to 'fix' him to spend a lot of time on our needs. They weren't bad parents by any means, and we had material things, but they were so overwhelmed by their own issues that they could not be completely present to help me with mine. There was also an expectancy of perfection that I could never achieve, although I tried very hard, made good grades and had great musical talent. I am autistic (not diagnosed until well into adulthood) and never got help for the many issues that this caused, until much later; these also included isolation, and an inability to express emotional issues. I always just assumed I was "weird" and "bad" and unfixable. This led me to nearly-fatal alcoholism, in a vain attempt at self-medication. I wish you all the best going forward, Canuck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
Thanks for your responses everyone! My mother was an alcoholic for so much of my life but she refused to accept it. I called her out one night and was banished from the family household. She was hiding something. She knew she neglected me and decided to just drink herself to death. I feel for her now because mom probably grew up with the same emotional neglect.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
Thanks Dee! The voice of reason we can always trust. I am getting closer to my understanding of why I became an alcoholic. It all began in childhood for us in some way; didn't it....
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Lot of healing steps, thought process here!! So good! I would recommend reading on attachment disorder. You don't at all come across as a sociopath...they don't care or feel or have introspection at all. Does not appear to be your case.
So many of us suffered less than desireable childhoods for a litany of reasons and chose drinking, drugging, working, exercise, food, gambling, sex to escape thinking/feeling/processing. I've yet to hear of anyone who felt yuck and just went straight to get help. You are not alone.
Doing great though!
Jules
So many of us suffered less than desireable childhoods for a litany of reasons and chose drinking, drugging, working, exercise, food, gambling, sex to escape thinking/feeling/processing. I've yet to hear of anyone who felt yuck and just went straight to get help. You are not alone.
Doing great though!
Jules
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
I feel for her now because mom probably grew up with the same emotional neglect.
So identified with that, the seeds of compassion are right here, aren't they, in that recognition? Same here, it wasn't withheld, it just wasn't in their gift to give it....we don't only grieve for ourselves, it's that everyone has lost
I get a great deal from Pete Walker, whose speciality is complex PTSD Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy What I particularly like is his solution focus, check out the links on this page to flashback management and C-PTSD and grieving.
Thanks for starting such a thoughtful thread.
So identified with that, the seeds of compassion are right here, aren't they, in that recognition? Same here, it wasn't withheld, it just wasn't in their gift to give it....we don't only grieve for ourselves, it's that everyone has lost
I get a great deal from Pete Walker, whose speciality is complex PTSD Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy What I particularly like is his solution focus, check out the links on this page to flashback management and C-PTSD and grieving.
Thanks for starting such a thoughtful thread.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi.
Perhaps you have already come across ACA, If not it might be worth a look. It's 12-step recovery so free and anonymous. I've found their handbook enormously helpful, and the laundry list gave me so many lightbulb moments it was mad! https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/
Perhaps you have already come across ACA, If not it might be worth a look. It's 12-step recovery so free and anonymous. I've found their handbook enormously helpful, and the laundry list gave me so many lightbulb moments it was mad! https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Originally Posted by Canuck76 
After a couple decades of searching for answers for why I feel so different than others, I finally found the problem: I have been suffering the effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect my entire life.
It explains all my struggles and why I developed ADHD. I couldn't see it because it is not abuse or trauma that can be memorable. It's about attention I didn't receive as a child. It didn't happen so I can't have formed memories. zit was so subtle that it is impossible to identify as it's happening.
I am 42 now. Huge problems in every aspect of my life. Alcohol was a coping mechanism for a problem I could never put my finger on. I answered yes to every question on a 20 question screening quiz.
What really made things come to light was the death of my mother last November. I was waiting for it to hit me emotionally ever since. Still nothing. No real emotion over her death. There was never an emotional bond created when I was an infant. Same with my father. No bond was created as a child.
I tried therapy a few years ago but I don't think I was capable or even willing to see it. My therapist tried but I don't think I could have responded to it. It made sense but I couldn't see it because I had no memory since emotional neglect about what didn't happen.
It is really sad that it took my mother dying to finally realize what has been wrong with me my whole life.
Anyone else experience Childhood Emotional Neglect?
It explains all my struggles and why I developed ADHD. I couldn't see it because it is not abuse or trauma that can be memorable. It's about attention I didn't receive as a child. It didn't happen so I can't have formed memories. zit was so subtle that it is impossible to identify as it's happening.
I am 42 now. Huge problems in every aspect of my life. Alcohol was a coping mechanism for a problem I could never put my finger on. I answered yes to every question on a 20 question screening quiz.
What really made things come to light was the death of my mother last November. I was waiting for it to hit me emotionally ever since. Still nothing. No real emotion over her death. There was never an emotional bond created when I was an infant. Same with my father. No bond was created as a child.
I tried therapy a few years ago but I don't think I was capable or even willing to see it. My therapist tried but I don't think I could have responded to it. It made sense but I couldn't see it because I had no memory since emotional neglect about what didn't happen.
It is really sad that it took my mother dying to finally realize what has been wrong with me my whole life.
Anyone else experience Childhood Emotional Neglect?
I moved recently and got a new therapist. Same story - my other one, in retrospect, tried for years to have me see the “click” and I didn’t. I am just now seeing it. I have other issues, severe abuse and trauma, along with neglect, and hadn’t felt the feelings even being sober almost three years, and with clear memories of the stuff. It’s extremely difficult.
I believe there is truly no way to process this stuff drinking and I don’t know how one could do it without help. I hope you are getting it or can get it now. Love and healing to you.
-b
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: SPb Russia
Posts: 184
Thank you Canuck
I read this thread and is interesting, because I think maybe some of the stuff when I was child is maybe why I am how I am now.
I dont need to go into everything here, but I had very unstable and tramatic childhood for some reasons. But people have worse and they are ok.
I realised yes ago that my parents, from different cultures, did what they believe was right, I cannot blame them for that. It is just not how I would raise kids, if I ever have any!...
So yes. emotion problems, relation problems, feeling always the outsider. Maybe there is something but I think people from stable backgrounds also are alcoholics. So maybe I should not blame so much on this ? Does anybody really have a perfect upbringing ?
But I am only beginning a journey. I had two months of sobriety and lost it. And it is day 1 today. All I need to know is that I AM an alcoholic. Maybe I look at history in the future, not now!
But now I do wonder what would have happened if things had been different.
I read this thread and is interesting, because I think maybe some of the stuff when I was child is maybe why I am how I am now.
I dont need to go into everything here, but I had very unstable and tramatic childhood for some reasons. But people have worse and they are ok.
I realised yes ago that my parents, from different cultures, did what they believe was right, I cannot blame them for that. It is just not how I would raise kids, if I ever have any!...
So yes. emotion problems, relation problems, feeling always the outsider. Maybe there is something but I think people from stable backgrounds also are alcoholics. So maybe I should not blame so much on this ? Does anybody really have a perfect upbringing ?
But I am only beginning a journey. I had two months of sobriety and lost it. And it is day 1 today. All I need to know is that I AM an alcoholic. Maybe I look at history in the future, not now!
But now I do wonder what would have happened if things had been different.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,278
Canuk, I am sorry that you are feeling so lost at the moment. But look at the positives here - you now know why you feel the way you do.
Many people search their whole lives and never get the answer.
I do not think that any parent willfully goes into parenthood with the one and only aim to emotionally harm their child. I believe they do their best at the time, using their own emotional resources to the best of their ability.
You are fortunate to know where your emotional pain is coming from. I would work on that, with the help of a professional , to maybe teach you some coping strategies. And then, the most important thing, is to forgive your parents. Letting go of resentments is going to be the best medicine for you to heal your heart.
Many people search their whole lives and never get the answer.
I do not think that any parent willfully goes into parenthood with the one and only aim to emotionally harm their child. I believe they do their best at the time, using their own emotional resources to the best of their ability.
You are fortunate to know where your emotional pain is coming from. I would work on that, with the help of a professional , to maybe teach you some coping strategies. And then, the most important thing, is to forgive your parents. Letting go of resentments is going to be the best medicine for you to heal your heart.
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