BrianK

40 year old single guy. Been drinking heavily for past 20 years. Came to AA 12 years ago, and it allowed me to let God into my life. I entered a church a year ago and have a wonderful community of friends. Yet, especially when things are going good, I pick the beer up to celebrate or pass the time. This last drunk didn't hurt worse than previous ones, but it's scaring me more and more. I know this is a dead end path, and I feel like being open to the world and any advice anyone cares to share with me. I want to hang on to this moment of clarity and grow as much as I can before the next craving hits. I can never thank God enough for all his gifts, especially the wonderful people in my life. I forget that in selfish, entitled, resentful moments, and that's often another trigger for drinking. I'm also grateful for all of you. It's because you stay sober that I'm allowed to find a forum like this!

least

Welcome to the family, from a fellow Buckeye.

You'll find lots of support for sobriety here. I hope we can help you get sober for good.

BrianK

Thanks, least! This time feels different. I found a meeting to go to tomorrow morning at a place I always enjoyed going when I was in the program. Just a really good energy in the place.

LiveLikeGold6

BrianK

Thanks, LLG! I also replied to an email from a friend from church to let him know I was having issues. He called right away and we chatted. Immediately felt better, like the problem was divided/shrunk. And he gave me the # of his friend who has been sober 36 years, who I'm going to set up a time to talk to tomorrow if he's available. What a wonderful gift hope is!!!

Hevyn

I'm so glad you joined us, Brian. I drank 30 yrs., & finding SR gave me the courage I needed to let go for good. It helps so much to be understood & offered encouragement.

BrianK

Thanks, Hevyn! I do feel different now that I finally signed up on SR. I've been journaling over the past year or so and it's been helpful making progress in the spiritual life, but this interaction feels like more of what I need right now. I never used to think of myself as a "people person", till I realized I never gave them or me a chance!

Dee74

Welcome BrianK

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PhoenixJ

good share and welcome Brian.

D122y

This time of night, when I have an easy day tomorrow, work out complete was always time to get hammered.

Watching survivor players enjoying a reward involving booze definitely triggers me.

But, just that quick the crave is gone and I am still a non drinker.

That is pretty much how it has gone for the last 4 years. I expect it to continue for the next 40 or so.

Proudly a born again non drinker.

Thanks.

Gottalife

Where does that energy come from? My home group is a high energy group I think because we are all involved in the program and carrying the message to the alcoholic, we have all bought into the "common solution" and we live it.

LiveLikeGold6

BrianK

I believe it's the Holy Spirit. Some teach "God is Love" and "God is the only Reality", so putting the two together, "Love is the only Reality." We're communal beings who are made for each other. So when we sit in a room together and strip away all the masks the world tells us to wear to defend ourselves, we see and appreciate the Reality in each other.

I love the high energy groups. I've been to a few and had the privilege of of a sponsor who also grouped with a few guys like that. To them, life was just good. I always have to put "meaning" on everything, and I'm working on getting past that and letting God decide what means what, since He created the universe and all. But as soon as I get a few weeks sober I find some kernal of self-entitlement and start thinking the world owes me more than I'm getting. And we all know where that leads! Straying a bit from your reply, but just feeling like being real and engaging this morning.

Have an awesome day!

BrianK

I feel you with the timing and the "reward", D122y! My first time really getting into drinking was my first term in college, and "finally" it felt ok to cut loose and party. I had always been disciplined and followed the rules growing up, but part of me felt like I was just towing the line till I could be on my own and do what I wanted. And it's like I've hung on to that mentality for 20 years while everyone else got it out of their systems and grew up.

Thank you for sharing about the triggers even 4 years in! Helps me to know triggers don't mean I'm not "spiritual enough" yet. I suppose getting drunk enough to be hungover 1,000 times (at least once a week for 20 years...ugh!) is going to have some after effects.

Seems like the bottom line for so many with long-term sobriety comes down to drinking just can't be one of the options on the table? Like as soon a you make it an option, even a silly thought experiment, it opens the door to the crazy train? I don't mean to try to "figure out" the problem, but when I hear real stuff like you shared about triggers I feel like I've been handed and solid tool versus an abstract idea.

Gottalife

Hi Bryan, I don't think you strayed at all so no need to apologise. You actually picked up on a point I was trying to get across about high energy groups. If I could float a couple of other ideas on the subject, based in my experience:

The only way to permanently join a "high energy" AA group is through the steps. Many come along for a while and get to experience the spirit of the fellowship, but only through the program can one join the fellowship of the spirit. That is what binds a "high energy" group.

Part of the change of personality that comes from the process seems to do away with the entitlement thinking by replacing it with something better. As Dr Bob said of his own motivations, and this is my experience also, I stay involved because it is a pleasure. In a sense I have found AA is like a benevolent slot machine. Every time I put a figurative dollar in, I get ten dollars out. When I put nothing in, I get less than nothing out.

There is something about the process that seems to remove the self discipline of making a contribution. A medical observer of AA noted that self discipline only goes so far and with alcoholics, just like any other human being, they eventually get tired of it. But where there is an emotional (or spiritual) reward contributing becomes effortless and pleasurable.

I don't believe I disciplined myself into this way of thinking and acting. For one thing I had no knowledge that life could be like this. Instead I was changed in the process, almost in spite of myself.

From another point of view there is a "dead spot" in AA. When I first came in and heard the stories of others, I identified immediately with the problem. It was fantastic, people who understood, we could talk for hours about the PROBLEM.

Then someone would, as an example, come floating into the room, positively glowing, and talking about their experience of having just taken step five. The change was incredible to me because suddenly they were talking about something I didn't understand and had no experience of.

And I would start to feel alone and apart. The more they talked about the SOLUTION, the less I had in common. The stories were getting boring and repetitive. The only way around that was to join the action and find out for myself what it was all about. That was the point I actually joined AA as opposed to merely going to AA. I learned the truth of sayings like you have to give in order to receive.

BrianK

I went to that meeting this morning and it was as I predicted yesterday: a gift from God. Perfect time, the energy level I had anticipated, and even ran into a neighbor I grew up down the street from. I felt like soaking in whatever people were sharing. And took that energy with me to the food pantry I volunteer at. By noon I felt worn out and ended up taking a nap, but I got more out of today because I put more in, and actively tried to stay out of "autopilot" mode.

I worked the steps 10 years ago, but I have a much closer relationship with God now and am willing to try again. I do remember the difference, especially after doing Step 4.

I'm still feeling humbled by what a gift this program, the people, this forum have all been. Even a couple decades ago, if you were getting off balance and couldn't muster the energy to go to a meeting or call someone, there wasn't even the option of going online. And that fact that I'm alive at a time when I can is truly a gift!

Gottalife

Those fifth step promises are spectacular, in fact soo good that I see a lot of people making the mistake of going back there trying to repeat the experience.
It doesn't seem to work like that. The way it is repeated is when I take someone else through that part of the program and experience the sheer joy of seeing them change, right before my eyes. That can be experienced over and over.

CRRHCC

The way you think determines the way you feel, and the way you feel determines the way you act. If you want to change the way you act, start by changing the way you think.

Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind

LiveLikeGold6

So so beautiful to read your posts Brian, keep posting the good the bad the real. I’m here for it ❤️

BrianK

Love this! I sometimes get too far into my own head and, even when I'm doing well, start thinking, "Is this real or am I just acting." Then a little challenge comes and it goes into, "Yeah, I must have been faking it. These other folks have it together, but I must not be getting it." But I see more clearly this time what a lie that is. Just responding to the inner impulse to be kind, considerate, compassionate, outgoing...took a lot of years of spiritual reading, direction, and with booze till someone explained, "Um, yeah, that's the Spirit...keep responding to Him when things are good...AND talk to Him when the tough stuff comes, too!" I feel like this time around (Day 3) I'm more committed, and to a much simpler program.