Falling apart
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1
Falling apart
I have been sober for over 18 months now and it seems as if my wife picked up where I left off. He drinking has increased over the past few months and now our marriage of 7 yrs is falling apart. We were both married before and we met in a bar...so alcohol was our relationship hub. We drank good together..we did. But now that Im sober she doesnt want to slow down or stop. Her BFF is a nice person but also terriable influence at the same time. Im tired of arguing about her excessive drinking. As a alcoholic I know that alcohilics will always have an excuse to drink. It took me a DUI and jailtime to see I had a problem. How do I get her to see she has a problem without her hitting "rockbottom" ? I love her and dont wanna see her go thru what I did, but she says she doesnt have a problem and refuses to stop. Its killn me from the inside out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
glad youre here Bb but not what brings ya here. i dont think theres any magical statement,phrase, or action to get a practicing alcoholic to see the problem they have. Lord knows none of that helped me. it was a decision i had to make for myself-even after my fiance became my ex fiance the night of my last drunk and tossed me to the curb the next morning-it was still up to me to admit i had a problem and get help.
i hope ya take a visit over to the friends and families of alcoholics forum here.theres a lot of great advise and support there from the side youre now on. .
i hope ya take a visit over to the friends and families of alcoholics forum here.theres a lot of great advise and support there from the side youre now on. .
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,057
Welcome Beachbuoy, well done on your 18 months sober.
I don't think anyone can stop another person drinking. Your wife has to want to stop and then the hard work begins. Maybe time apart might make her see what she could potentially lose.
It must very difficult for you, stay strong. Great that you came looking for help.
I don't think anyone can stop another person drinking. Your wife has to want to stop and then the hard work begins. Maybe time apart might make her see what she could potentially lose.
It must very difficult for you, stay strong. Great that you came looking for help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
First off congrats for staying sober. That is no easy task in a 'drinking buddy' relationship.
There is a friends and family subforum here...check that out. Those folks can probably really support you.
As has been said already, she has to find her own way. I think the best you could probably do is set some boundaries (no drinking in the house or when she's with you...that kind of thing). But I know I loved breaking rules and pushing boundaries when I was drinking. So they almost beg to be broken and then what do you do?
There is a friends and family subforum here...check that out. Those folks can probably really support you.
As has been said already, she has to find her own way. I think the best you could probably do is set some boundaries (no drinking in the house or when she's with you...that kind of thing). But I know I loved breaking rules and pushing boundaries when I was drinking. So they almost beg to be broken and then what do you do?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi BeachBuoy - welcome 
Unfortunately for me there was nothing anyone could do or say to stop me until I wanted to stop.
If you've expressed your concern and she's dismissed them I'm not sure what else you could do right now, but others with more experience on the 'loved ones' point of view may have some ideas.
I think entropys ideas about boundaries are good too.
I hope you'll stick around tho - this is very supportive community, both here and in our Family and Friends forums
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family
D
Unfortunately for me there was nothing anyone could do or say to stop me until I wanted to stop.
If you've expressed your concern and she's dismissed them I'm not sure what else you could do right now, but others with more experience on the 'loved ones' point of view may have some ideas.
I think entropys ideas about boundaries are good too.
I hope you'll stick around tho - this is very supportive community, both here and in our Family and Friends forums
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family
D
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
My wife was the almost non drinker in the situation. I drank.
She was very naive. She would ask...why do you drink all the time. I would say...because I am an alcoholic. She started to usually get mad at me the moment I started drinking.
I remember getting very drunk often and then feeling so out of control. I felt guilty. I remember thinking why can't I get this under control.
The key was me. Like the song says...we hold the key to our chains. When I finally tried to quit, my wife became my role model. What did she do to stay sober. I copied her.
Often, she would fiddle around with this and that until it was time for bed. It worked. I fiddle with this and that, fully enjoying myself, until it is time for bed.
At first it was terrible. Now that my natural dopamine production returned it is amazing. From day 1, I got adrenaline and dopamine from exercise. Now I get it more often from many other things. I have adjusted.
As an addict for life, when I feel amazing I want to celebrate. I want to drink. That is what addiction has in store for me for the rest of my life. I call it growing up.
Eventually, your wife will quit. One way or another.
If you love you wife enough you can stay with her. That is what my wife did. But, I could sort of sense she was moving along a path of eventually giving up on me. She never made it. I stopped drinking.
You can keep living your life sober and the examples, e.g. your energy level and patience, will show through.
As your wife's addiction thickens, eventually she may long for what you have. You may be able to support her better because you walked the walk.
We here at SR are absolutely on the right track.
Thanks.
She was very naive. She would ask...why do you drink all the time. I would say...because I am an alcoholic. She started to usually get mad at me the moment I started drinking.
I remember getting very drunk often and then feeling so out of control. I felt guilty. I remember thinking why can't I get this under control.
The key was me. Like the song says...we hold the key to our chains. When I finally tried to quit, my wife became my role model. What did she do to stay sober. I copied her.
Often, she would fiddle around with this and that until it was time for bed. It worked. I fiddle with this and that, fully enjoying myself, until it is time for bed.
At first it was terrible. Now that my natural dopamine production returned it is amazing. From day 1, I got adrenaline and dopamine from exercise. Now I get it more often from many other things. I have adjusted.
As an addict for life, when I feel amazing I want to celebrate. I want to drink. That is what addiction has in store for me for the rest of my life. I call it growing up.
Eventually, your wife will quit. One way or another.
If you love you wife enough you can stay with her. That is what my wife did. But, I could sort of sense she was moving along a path of eventually giving up on me. She never made it. I stopped drinking.
You can keep living your life sober and the examples, e.g. your energy level and patience, will show through.
As your wife's addiction thickens, eventually she may long for what you have. You may be able to support her better because you walked the walk.
We here at SR are absolutely on the right track.
Thanks.
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Chilling post. Congratulations on YOUR sober time. Alls i can say is stay FOCUSED on your sobriety as much as possible. It takes what it takes and there’s no way to tell if and when she’ll realize its a problem.
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