Livingonwishes

Hi All,

I'm just back from my regular AA meeting and feel a need to vent/share/get my thoughts straight.

I'm just over 6 months sober but for the last few weeks I have felt like the wind has lulled and my boat has become becalmed. Life is feeling flat and (In the words of a friend) Grey.

I attended my first AA meeting 6 1/2 months ago, the day after my last drink, and that meeting has become my regular "Home" meeting. I also started attending a second meeting about 5 1/2 months ago at another location and I haven't missed either meeting since. Until now.

I have a certain sense of pride that I have managed make these meetings such a regular and integral part of my life and I know they are the primary reason I am still sober today so it is with a sense of trepidation and anxiety that I know I will definitely miss the next 2 meetings at my first group and will have to see what the logistics are for getting to the second group as I will be on a training course for 2 weeks and the times make it impossible to attend the first meeting and very difficult to attend the second.

I know there are other meetings I should be able to get to, and I have already been to some of them but, as someone once told me, alcoholics hate change and the thought of missing these meetings is really having an effect on me. I am on Step 2 and this will be a big test of my acceptance of a higher power.

I think some of the reasons I am feeling the way I do are that this has come at a time when I have things to deal with other than just my sobriety. I have recently started sleep walking, I am attending counselling which leaves me feeling raw and exposed and I have been feeling isolated and cut off from my friends and believe it is down to my own fallibility and feel I need to deal with that before it becomes a resentment.

I guess I have got used to only having to my sobriety to think about as I am unemployed and all I do is look for work and stay sober as best I can.

I see others who attend meetings and also hold down jobs, keep a family together, have a social life and inspire others with their words and actions and sitting here looking at my life I have little if any of that. And yet when I have a slight bump because I am going to miss my regular meetings, I have upset friends or something comes up in my counselling that upsets me it just makes me feel so inadequate and worthless.

I know that having recently found my higher power I don't feel as bad about everything as I would have a few months ago so I guess that I am waiting for my HP to fail so it could be a trust issue as it is the first real test of a new found relationship. I know I should deal with those things I can, make those apologies, see a doctor etc, and let my HP guide me through the mine field but I wish I didn't feel so flat, grey and unfocussed....

Thank you for listening....

biminiblue

Well if there is one thing I would place a bet on it's that change is inevitable.

The good part about that is - emotions and thoughts come and go, too.

You can stay sober without getting to your regular meetings. Your HP will never desert you and never leave you without the Power to remain sober in the face of change.

August252015

Glad you are here- and I can relate to feeling "lulls" of some kind in regard to meetings and the like.

You didn't mention a sponsor and if you are just on Step 2, that's super early! And awesome. I was still adjusting to a LOT at 6 mo, and subsequent "milestone" points. Any friends you keep in touch w outside of meetings? That took me awhile but I have a nice little group for support and just friendship now.

I also found that the service component can help enormously- and I mean that both in and out of the rooms. Somewhere along the way I picked up the idea that finding the simplest ways to be "of service" to anyone around me could include stuff like remembering the lady's name who always helps me at the grocery to randomly texting a friend who popped to mind or complimenting someone sincerely, and of course the obvious AA stuff like chairs/coffee/etc clean up....

As I've gone along, I've found inspiration in different readings and that means spiritual stuff, non-AA material, Instagram accounts that relate to both our kind of recovery and the bigger pop who is starting to consider "sober curious" and other reasons for not drinking any more....

I also know the kind of "burn out" that can come with a life of "just" recovery...I have mine, which is the backdrop of my life and always my top emotional priority- and my job is essentially PT hours but FT recovery work, leading a restaurant industry recovery group and managing social media for 7 cities and growing, plus other opportunities and admin of a growing non profit. It's a lot.

I might also suggest, if it's allowed in your meetings, volunteering to be mtg leader or discussion leader. Some here let people with 6 mo or more do it and I recently started signing up for one a month at my 2 main groups, just as a reason to make that specific mtg and also come up with an idea to throw out for discussion.

Keep going sober- and try anything that comes to mind that can be supportive - I finally started hot yoga in yr 2 and fell in love

doggonecarl

It's not unusual to hit a lull at certain milestones--6 months, a year. Around the same time that PAWS kicked up for me. Just keep working what worked.

boreas

Living,
I spent so much time avoiding things while drinking, that even now close to 2 years sober I’m amazed and the stuff that surfaces and must be dealt with. As time passes, things get easier and my vision continues to clear. I try to do the best thing today and be patient with myself.

Building a life outside of recovery was crucial for me. I had to do something outside of “stay sober”. For me, exercise and fitness has become a hobby. I’m working on improving the inside and the outside so it feels like an investment of sorts.

My life remains small, and I’ll continue to broaden it and branch out over time. But setting achievable goals has given me a great feeling of contentment and peace. 6 months is a great accomplishment. Don’t lose site of that as your peace of mind ebbs and flows with the challenges of life. Be patient with yourself. Best wishes going forward.
-bora

nez

Meetings are a valuable tool for me in recovery but they won't keep me sober. I faithfully attended meetings for 5 years before a feeling of being flat and unfocused ended in a relapse. During that 5 year period of attending meetings, I didn't work the steps, I kinda, sorta, danced with them a bit; but not really and not in sequence.

When I came back into the rooms, I worked the steps like my life depended upon; because it did!

I now have been sober and in recovery for 16 years thanks to fully working the steps and in the correct order. I don't really get those feelings of being flat and unfocused any more; probably because when they do start, I recognize the red flags and make sure that I am firmly entrenched in living the 11th and 12th steps. When I do that, those feelings don't get to gain any traction.

All I can say is that for me, everything that was promised, is coming true and I believe that as long as I keep moving forward, my recovery will continue to do so as well.

SoberCAH

One of my mentors stressed that there is a difference being "in" the program and "around" it.

I think I was always in it, but I felt like I was really a part of it when I began to work the steps with my sponsor.

These comments relate to your post and not to the OP, who raises very good points which are somewhat reminiscent of my memories of early sobriety.

August252015

Bingo, nez!

I hear lots of people who think just going to meetings makes a program - there's not magic connection to meetings and either sobriety or its much greater version, real recovery.

I need as many layers and aspects to keep a lovely life in recovery- and overall. I'm an alcoholic in recovery, yeah, but I'm also a wife, blogger, yoga-trying-again-chick, friend, daughter, good cook, on and on

SoberCAH

These are all great observations and I'm glad that you have shared them.

I would focus more on what you're doing to stay sober than on how you are feeling.

We have flat spots in recovery and in life.

But, if we are working the AA program with full intensity, because our lives depend on it, those periods tend to be more fleeting than when we are not doing so.

You have obviously made a tremendous commitment to getting sober and working the program.

My recommendations are meant to be consistent with the work you have already undertaken.

Just my 2 cents.

Glad you're here and sober.

Dee74

First off congrats on 6 months livingonwishes

I dunno - being unemployed, sleepwalking and dealing with tough things in therapy could be enough to make anyone feel the way you do, alcoholic or not?

Whenever I hit a rough patch I tried to reassure myself that this too shall pass - at least in recovery I only mostly have bad days now not bad weeks,months or years.

Hang in there - things will get better

Have you thought of volunteering your time in the community to help fill that explanse of fee time. It helped me immensely



D

AnvilheadII

you could think of it similar to the plateaus that people hit when losing weight - either thru exercise, change in diet or both. you can be doing all the right stuff and the body just says Hey, we're gonna shut this down for a bit and rest. We've been thru a lot of changes and need time to assimilate.

Recovery from addiction is much the same. it happens on different levels - physically, mentally, emotionally and some would say spiritually. not everything heals up at the same pace. and back to the "weight loss" comparison - some days we're hitting the gym hard, but didn't eat quite as clean as we'd hoped OR we had a perfect record on food choices but woke up with a cramp and didn't get our run in.

one of the common symptoms of "early" recovery is anhedonia. i think this link should be ok, it doesn't appear to be a commercial site:
https://www.withdrawal.net/treatment...ia-depression/

sugarbear1

Congrats, you are still healing! After this flatness, the world starts to become a really bright and prettier place. Work those steps with your sponsor and keep staying stopped. Don't stop before the miracle happens!

LiveLikeGold6