Still suffering and could use a little help.
 

Good afternoon, been on a few times before and was told I had to quit by my GI doctor because of Celiac, Esophagitis, etc.
Wanted to get out this chain of events and see if anyone can give their opinion on where I should turn next.
A little background
- I have Celiac (8 years) but it’s silent Celiac so even if I do eat Gluten I don’t have the reactions that a “normal Celiac person would have.
- I would consider myself a moderate to heavy drinker. 3 OZ of hard liquor and 2 or 3 glasses of wine when I drink which was about 4-5x a week (maybe more sometimes but this is average).
- I do have some health anxiety which can be pretty bad at times and I think it is also some kind of depression (I’m pretty sure). The reason I’m sure is that I can be a real ***** when I’m not drinking something, like a whole other person.
So moving on here’s where I’m currently at and I want to be totally honest.
I’ve known for some time that I need to quit booze altogether but as most of us know here, knowing that and doing that are heaven and hell.
So starting about 4 or 5 months ago, things were pretty well (I was drinking and having fun with the family) but then I had some tenseness in my chest for apparently now reason.
Went to a walk in clinic where they did chest Xrays and told me that there is nothing mechanically wrong with me but the MD thought it was stress and that I should take some anti depressant. I said OK and was 80% satisfied with her answer.
2 weeks later had my yearly physical (blood work, etc.). The doctor said blood work was an “A” and cholesterol was a “B” which I’m fine with. I explained the tightness in my chest and he said to see a cardiologist for a stress test, etc.
1 week later, had a stress test and EKG which turned out fine. I asked the MD about stress/depression, etc. and she said that yes, it could lead to tightness but I still wasn’t satisfied.
I then said I’ve had enough and went to my GI who has done colonoscopies for me and the original endoscopy which found Celiac. I went in and he said you have acid reflux (GERD) but I didn’t have the burning that goes with it, just tightness in my mid chest. He told me that I needed another endoscopy to see where I’m at for damage, etc. I googled everything from Barrett Esophagus to esophageal cancer for days and know everything about it without being a GI.

Had the endoscopy and on naked eye, everything looked OK but the dreaded labs came back with esophagitis which he’s sees 20x a day. Was told to lay off caffeine, booze, spicy foods, tomatoes, chocolate, pretty much anything I liked and this is in addition to the Celiac so it’s a real bummer.
At the annual physical I also told my PCP that I’ve had this pain in my side right below my rib cage on the right hand side. During the exam he did the usual belly kneed and said he didn’t feel anything out of the ordinary but “to put your mind at ease” I’m going to give you a script for an ultrasound which leads me to here and the honesty part.
So last week I turned 51 on Memorial Day and from Friday afternoon until Wednesday around 2 PM, I pretty much drank. Not crazy (most of the time) but I drank, period.

I didn’t care about work, barely about family, etc. I just drank to get this stupid pain in my right side to stop or have me forget about it as I couldn’t get over the fact that it was liver cancer, pancreatic, gall bladder or who knows what. Drinking just took that feeling in my head away but not the pain.
Needless to say, Wednesday morning was not a pretty site. I was throwing up in the yard and everything else and now had to face this pain head on. So I scheduled the ultrasound and it happened on Thursday morning. I asked the tech how it looked and she said she couldn’t say anything about it by rules of the MD and of course my MD is now on vacation until next week so I haven’t heard the results.
To end this long rant (sorry), I haven’t had a drink since Wednesday afternoon and just hit 3 days w/o it and I don’t feel all that great but physically don’t want to drink at all.
Did some stuff with friends this morning but didn’t say much at all and just left afterwards.
So here’s my questions/call for help if you will.
1) Depression/Health Anxiety- They must be tied at the hip as I have no motivation to do anything other than sit in front of the TV and be a zombie. Could have done a thousand things with the kids today but w/o booze, they’re not “fun” for me (horrible father!).
2) I feel that if I just keep not drinking that slowly this feeling of worthlessness may go away or when/if the MD calls with my results on Monday (when he’s back) and tells me that everything is OK than I’ll snap out of this, just not sure.
3) I like waking up to a clear head but 10 seconds after I’m awake, this pain is there and I don’t what the hell it is so I start to worry, all day just about every minute. Pretty bad existence.

Not sure what else I can say at this point. Sad to say that I’m going to bed early just to get the day over with and don’t make any plans to do anything at all. Not sure whether to see a psych, stop drinking and see if this goes away or maybe both.

Hey sorry you are going through this. I have had bad health anxiety in the past as well and went through a number of test and almost everything was psychosomatic. I did have gastritis but overall I was healthy, googling things online can make the healthiest person feel like they are dying. I would recommend seeing a psych and put the drinking on hold at least for now. Very hard to work through internal issues when drinking, wishing you all the best!

Thanks for the reply!

Going to bed earlier became part of my nightly routine. Amazing how much better I feel when alcohol was eliminated along with proper rest added to my life.

Now I don't pass out - I fall asleep.
I don't regain consciousness - I wake up!

It took the gift of desperation for me to quit added with some desire and willingness. I had to realize that I would otherwise die an alcoholic death.

Nothing special - it's there for the asking

Best\Fly n buy

Well, you do have some complicated medical issues that would cause anxiety in a lot of people, but you are under the care of medical professionals, so that is a good start. I have Crohn's Disease, so I know what it's like to go through some of this stuff with GI doctors and the idea of living with a chronic disease. You can live a reasonably good, healthy life with changes.

One thing that has helped me a lot was giving up the alcohol -- physically and mentally. It's not going to be helpful to you, so I would stop. You can get a better medical and mental picture without it.

If you are concerned about your mental health, then go see a psychiatrist for an evaluation. Prolonged stress and anxiety isn't good for you, and if you are having depression and feelings of worthlessness that are interfering with your life, it's worth the visit. You might find that you just need some therapy or that medication is recommended, but you will need that advice also from professionals.

Don't you think that soothing yourself with alcohol over this is probably not the way to go?

Oddly, I think most of us have medical and generalized anxiety, yet, have continued to pour poison down our throats. I think the underlying anxiety also is a huge factor as that is how we have all been able to socialize and function when out in public.

You cannot change the lab tests, but you can change your future. As for the test, the Ultrasound techs are not allowed to give you any info, so don't overthink that. If you know you need a change, then do it now. If the results come back fine...then don't take that as cue to keep drinking ( I did that in the past).

You have a great, supportive group here. Hope you keep checking in.

Hi JADIII, and welcome to SR. It's a great source of information and support. Congratulations on three days.

Cutting out the booze will do nothing but good for your physical health. Seems like a no-brainer, especially for someone with your health issues.

Depression and a lack of motivation is pretty common for the early days of sobriety, JAD.

Sometimes I just had to do what I could...and things got better :)

D

Just a quick follow. May have to have my gall bladder out. Any feedback on what to expect pre and (mostly) post surgery. Eating etc.

Thanks.

Glad you are here and sharing. so sorry about all the medical stuff- I have found that personally as well as what I hear from most folks is that we all suffer from things that are often directly connected to our drinking (and certainly, indirectly).

Here's something you said that is the crux of it for me:
"Not sure whether to see a psych, stop drinking and see if this goes away or maybe both."
I'd flip that to stop drinking, then see a psych/counselors/go to AA...and be proactive. ANY health issues can only be helped (not saying cured) by sobriety. Everything in your life? That too, and far more than you might even imagine now.

Take care and hope you stop drinking.

I also experienced radical improvement to my digestive tract (top and bottom) as well as health in general by quitting alcohol entirely.

Alcohol was like acid to my gut. It got worse over time. I also had anxiety, depression, and panic when I was drinking a lot. That's also gone away.

Why don't you try six months of total sobriety and see if it helps? I'm pretty much betting it would help a lot :)

I've been without intoxication for over 4 years. I still have a ton of issues, but being an active drunk is not one of them.

When I wake up and feel like hell, the first thing I remember is...thank God I am not drunk at least.

Being a non drinker, after so many years under the influence, left my less capable of dealing with conflict and anxiety.

My boss has seen the worst of it because of his personality. I explained to him that he sends me into a state of fight or flight sometimes.

After telling him that, it seemed to open the pathways for a while, until he got a promotion.

Now, he barely acknowledges my presence. It doesn't bother me that much, but I feel like one day he is going to want to talk and I may not handle it well.

But, I am prepared for it. I plan to look him directly in the eye, with my full power and deal with him.

That is the plan. That should remain intact until contact.

Bottom line...everything's better when I am a non drinker.

Thanks.

Update
 

Wanted to wait a few days to post and get my thoughts together.

As I mentioned, I had a ultrasound last week on Thursday. Of course my MD went on vacation for 4 days on Friday morning so I had to wait until Monday to hear the results. Got the call on Monday morning from him and basically it was the following.

Gall bladder and pancreas- OK which was good.
He then said that you have a little fatty liver but you had an ultrasound 11 years ago and it's the exact same is it was. I didn't even recall having an ultrasound 11 years ago but apparently I did.
I asked him a few questions , etc. and what causes it. He said with me it could be a combo or booze, genetics and diet. I have a f/u with him on Tuesday to discuss a long term plan of diet, alcohol (haven't had anything since). He is also 11 years removed from drinking and has known me a long time so I feel good with him.

I can predict what everyone will say and I know you're right. I'm almost relieved as now that it's a health issue it gives me more of a reason than just quitting to feel better or avoid a future health issue-which I already have. What a wonderfully logically way to think for a college educated family man!!!

Thanks for listening to me. I do have a question as I've read EXTENSIVELY on this site.

1) I not so much afraid to quit drinking (maybe I am). Whats happening to me now is I'm looking at every situation in the future or things I took for granted with drinking and saying, "Holy ****, how am I going to golf, go to parties or anything that I've done socially feeling this naked". How did/do you deal with that?

I'm sure there's book that can and are written on this but any feedback on this would help.

Thank you.

Like your update on the whole!

To specifically answer your question....I took TIME. As in, I was very conservative on what I did and where I went and with whom. I only went out to dinner a dozen times maybe, in my first 90-100 days, and it was with my parents. I didn't do ANY socializing with people drinking, places drinking, etc. I didn't take my first trip out of town til 9 mo- and it was with my now husband who is also sober; sidenote, we had to wait awhile at a restaurant while in DC and could only find seats at the bar...he wasn't comfortable waiting there so we went to a different place for dinner. First party, 14 mo sober, wedding 19 mo....

When I DID start doing stuff, I was getting emotionally sober and steady. I also had a plan for everything- something in hand to drink, a sponsor/friend/mom to text (I left a small dinner party in a tizzy around 7 mo sober), I left at the first spark of anxiety, I had an exit strategy...and honestly? I only started re-inviting or approaching people who would support me, and are trying to live their own best lives.

In shorter form- put being sober first, read around here on the things people will suggest and saying no til you can handle stuff is A-OK.

And I can promise you that I have found that stuff is a lot easier and more fun once I learned I could do things sober- and my idea of fun has changed big time. And sober? I have total control over what I do bc it's not controlled by how much alcohol can be involved.

Hey JADIII,
I remember a few years ago trying to drink away the pain for over a month and landing in the hospital with severe pancreaitis. I was on morphine for a couple of days and nearly died.
Fear can be just an evil presence in our lives. Look at how fear was consuming me over this court date. You really helped calm my nerves! I just wanted to say that.
I think we can agree that alcohol will only worsen your situation. It is so cunning, baffling and powerful but with the tools we can wade through any difficult situation. Do you have support program you can lean on? AA and this site has really helped me through some tough times.
I'll be be praying for you! This too shall pass. : )
Garrison

[/QUOTE] 1) I not so much afraid to quit drinking (maybe I am). Whats happening to me now is I'm looking at every situation in the future or things I took for granted with drinking and saying, "Holy ****, how am I going to golf, go to parties or anything that I've done socially feeling this naked". How did/do you deal with that?

I'm sure there's book that can and are written on this but any feedback on this would help.

Thank you.[/QUOTE]
That is how we feel, isn't it? Yet I never regret my behavior in situations when I'm sober compared to when I'm drunk. I might misspeak or be a little impatient or inconsiderate when sober, but when I'm drunk a switch often flips in my head and I try to push the limits of decorum just to see what I can get away with, like I'm showing off the "real me." :scorebad So for me it's a matter having a little discomfort in the moment when sober, versus having a "good" time drunk and wanting to crawl in a hole and die of embarrassment the next day. :headbange

Honestly, I think one of the reasons I'm scared is I don't really know myself which is f***ing odd. I'm not always drinking by a long shot BUT I knew that anytime I had to face any situation whether it be social, work, etc. I always could take the easy way out. Now I don't have that.

One thing I've noticed more is how much more dialed-down we're allowed to be and that it's ok. I go to church, or a meeting, or grocery shopping, and without making a conscious decision to try to be nice to people, I just let myself be, and I notice I don't have to put on a show or image for people, and they don't have to for me. When I was drinking and overly expressive and outspoken, I always thought people who weren't like that were too reserved or scared to be "real." Turns out they were being real and I was being a cartoon version of myself.

It's awesome when I catch myself in the moment of interacting with people and being real and kind and genuine, and really feeling it, and thinking about myself, "Who is this guy and where did he come from? He's ain't so bad!" :c007:

Quitting drinking can only make your medical situation and life better. Also, I wouldn't beat myself up too much - I sure wouldn't consider you a "heavy drinker" at 2 to 3 glasses 4 to 5 times a week. That's actually a healthy level. (As someone who's been drinking at least 10 drinks a day, seven days a week, I know unhealthy.) But the risk of it escalating is always there, and if your Dr. says to quit, it would be prudent to do so. Best of luck with your health.