My wife told me I need to quit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
My wife told me I need to quit
Hi all. First post. Male 46 yo, good well ordered life. On the surface at least. I’ve known that I drink too much for some time, but I’ve kept it hidden. I pretend to be a normal drinker when other people are around. I would pretend to drink half a bottle of wine, then say I’m tipsy and time to stop, but in secret I would take big swigs from the whiskey bottle or vodka bottle or any hard liquor really that we happen to have in our liquor cabinet in the kitchen (which I would frequently visit to make little “snacks” each night) when nobody is there to watch.
A few times I also bought bottles that I would hide, but it did make me feel guilty, so I would usually pour them out the day after.
Anyway, my wife is a drinker, but doesn’t seem to have the same issues as I do, she actually doesn’t feel like drinking sometimes, and when she drinks she would more often than not just have one glass of wine. I’ve expressed my concern about my own drinking a couple of times, casually, not in a way that would raise an alarm (or so I thought), so finally today (I’ve been drinking daily for months now, probably a bottle and half of wine, or equivalent thereof) she told me that I need to stop drinking.
She is right, but it makes feel so... embarrassed maybe. The problem is that I feel that my wife resents me for being so weak. She’s not quitting, and she thinks I should be able to just not drink as much. I feel like I’m a failure somehow.
I’m going to try to quit, today. But I know I need help, I don’t think I can do this alone. I don’t think AA is going to work for me, so I’m hoping coming here can help instead. I’m afraid of failing, to be honest. I so want to do this, but it’s so hard when I come back home after work every day. That comfort of a mild buzz is... hard to let go of.
Day 0 today, Day 1 tomorrow.
A few times I also bought bottles that I would hide, but it did make me feel guilty, so I would usually pour them out the day after.
Anyway, my wife is a drinker, but doesn’t seem to have the same issues as I do, she actually doesn’t feel like drinking sometimes, and when she drinks she would more often than not just have one glass of wine. I’ve expressed my concern about my own drinking a couple of times, casually, not in a way that would raise an alarm (or so I thought), so finally today (I’ve been drinking daily for months now, probably a bottle and half of wine, or equivalent thereof) she told me that I need to stop drinking.
She is right, but it makes feel so... embarrassed maybe. The problem is that I feel that my wife resents me for being so weak. She’s not quitting, and she thinks I should be able to just not drink as much. I feel like I’m a failure somehow.
I’m going to try to quit, today. But I know I need help, I don’t think I can do this alone. I don’t think AA is going to work for me, so I’m hoping coming here can help instead. I’m afraid of failing, to be honest. I so want to do this, but it’s so hard when I come back home after work every day. That comfort of a mild buzz is... hard to let go of.
Day 0 today, Day 1 tomorrow.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
You'll always find support here. 
We understand how hard this is, even if your wife doesn't. I hope our support can help you stay sober for good. Waking up feeling good never gets old. 
We understand how hard this is, even if your wife doesn't. I hope our support can help you stay sober for good. Waking up feeling good never gets old. Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
Originally Posted by Finallytime 
That comfort of a mild buzz is... hard to let go of.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7194885 (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 444)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-2-a-6.html
Why do you feel that AA would not be right for you?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,508
It's really hard for others to understand how difficult it is for us to stop drinking. That's why it's good that you're here because we do get it.
My suggestion would be to change up your routine. Instead of coming home from work looking for the buzz, how about doing something totally different - maybe going to the gym, something like that. You can do this!
My suggestion would be to change up your routine. Instead of coming home from work looking for the buzz, how about doing something totally different - maybe going to the gym, something like that. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
I'm sorry I don't think it is fair for your wife to say "you" need to stop drinking.
I would ask her to do it as a team....that you feel you can not do this alone...it doesn't make you WEAK...it makes you a strong husband to be able to say "I need you to do this with me".
If she doesn't want to do it with you..possibly "she" has a problem as well.
I'm not married but I had a life partner and I would do ANYTHING for "us"....So I wouldn't usually say this but in this situation put it back on her.
And then in your own mind...sure...start thinking about how you can slow down...and not make it such a problem even if she doesn't.
I would ask her to do it as a team....that you feel you can not do this alone...it doesn't make you WEAK...it makes you a strong husband to be able to say "I need you to do this with me".
If she doesn't want to do it with you..possibly "she" has a problem as well.
I'm not married but I had a life partner and I would do ANYTHING for "us"....So I wouldn't usually say this but in this situation put it back on her.
And then in your own mind...sure...start thinking about how you can slow down...and not make it such a problem even if she doesn't.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hello and welcome.
You've got a tough one on your hands. I wish I could relate, but I was too drunk to ever get married.
Long term girlfriends called me out on my drinking, though, even if they drank like your wife.
I was a flat out drunk and didn't care who knew, so our situations are quiet different.
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in wanting to quit drinking.
You'll find a lot of support here. So hang around.
Best to you.
You've got a tough one on your hands. I wish I could relate, but I was too drunk to ever get married.
Long term girlfriends called me out on my drinking, though, even if they drank like your wife.
I was a flat out drunk and didn't care who knew, so our situations are quiet different.
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in wanting to quit drinking.
You'll find a lot of support here. So hang around.
Best to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Maybe she doesn't see it as weak so much as she's genuinely worried for you?
In any case what she wants is really secondary to what you want - do you want to quit - for yourself Finallytime?
sounds like you do?
D
In any case what she wants is really secondary to what you want - do you want to quit - for yourself Finallytime?
sounds like you do?
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
That evening buzz is difficult to let go. Not impossible, though.
Most of us here also found that the compulsion to drink overcame our good intentions. I certainly didn't intend to join this club, but here I am.
It is so worth it to stop drinking. Everything - E.v.e.r.y. single thing gets better without it. Trust and step into it.
Welcome, I hope to see you around.
Most of us here also found that the compulsion to drink overcame our good intentions. I certainly didn't intend to join this club, but here I am.
It is so worth it to stop drinking. Everything - E.v.e.r.y. single thing gets better without it. Trust and step into it.
Welcome, I hope to see you around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
Thank you all for the quick response and encouraging words, it’s really inspiring!
least: Thank you, I am hopeful that this site will be the right thing for me. And you make a great point about waking up fresh. So many times have I regretted drinking when I wake up in the middle of night feeling like crap, promising myself that I won’t drink or overdo it next night, but in the end I can never seem to keep my promises. I look forward to waking up feeling good again!
Coldfusion: Thank you! I will look at the links. As for AA, it’s a combination of a few thing. The religious aspect is hard for me to overcome. I know that I can try to pretend it’s not about that, it makes me feel uneasy. That aside though, I also feel very uncomfortable in groups in general, I have a bit of a social phobia, so groups of people are stressful to me. I know they are all people who have been in similar situations as I, and that they mean well, but I know I will just want to get out of there as soon as possible. Individual counseling might be a better option if I could afford it.
Anna: Thank you for the encouraging words. Changing routine is a good idea. I’ve never been a gym rat, but I could sure use some exercise. I’m definitely not in great shape, I’m sure the extra 1000+ alcohol calories every night hasn’t been helping.
Missy2: Thank you. Yeah, I think she is making it a bigger problem than it should have to be that I’m quitting. I think she is mourning something, maybe an “idea” of us. She probably doesn’t have a healthy relationship with alcohol, but for some reason that I can’t understand, she only ever drinks moderately. She cares about me though, and I am so very grateful for that. But, in the end, I have to do this for me, not even her. She’s not the one waking up every other morning feeling like crap.
Ghostlight1: Thank you. My drinking was never quite like that, it has gotten worse, and I imagine that at the end of the road I will also be a flat out drunk if I don’t stop. I, happy you managed to stop, I can’t imagine how hard it must have been.
Dee74: Yes, you are right, she is genuinely concerned, and at the same time I think she resents that I can’t control it better. I am happy to have someone who is worried about me, although in the end it doesn’t matter, I have to do this for me.
Thank you all so much again. I will try to make it a habit to check in here every night. I’m not sure I’ll have the energy or motivation to go to the gym (we’ll see), but I will try to think of some new routine or ritual at night.
least: Thank you, I am hopeful that this site will be the right thing for me. And you make a great point about waking up fresh. So many times have I regretted drinking when I wake up in the middle of night feeling like crap, promising myself that I won’t drink or overdo it next night, but in the end I can never seem to keep my promises. I look forward to waking up feeling good again!
Coldfusion: Thank you! I will look at the links. As for AA, it’s a combination of a few thing. The religious aspect is hard for me to overcome. I know that I can try to pretend it’s not about that, it makes me feel uneasy. That aside though, I also feel very uncomfortable in groups in general, I have a bit of a social phobia, so groups of people are stressful to me. I know they are all people who have been in similar situations as I, and that they mean well, but I know I will just want to get out of there as soon as possible. Individual counseling might be a better option if I could afford it.
Anna: Thank you for the encouraging words. Changing routine is a good idea. I’ve never been a gym rat, but I could sure use some exercise. I’m definitely not in great shape, I’m sure the extra 1000+ alcohol calories every night hasn’t been helping.
Missy2: Thank you. Yeah, I think she is making it a bigger problem than it should have to be that I’m quitting. I think she is mourning something, maybe an “idea” of us. She probably doesn’t have a healthy relationship with alcohol, but for some reason that I can’t understand, she only ever drinks moderately. She cares about me though, and I am so very grateful for that. But, in the end, I have to do this for me, not even her. She’s not the one waking up every other morning feeling like crap.
Ghostlight1: Thank you. My drinking was never quite like that, it has gotten worse, and I imagine that at the end of the road I will also be a flat out drunk if I don’t stop. I, happy you managed to stop, I can’t imagine how hard it must have been.
Dee74: Yes, you are right, she is genuinely concerned, and at the same time I think she resents that I can’t control it better. I am happy to have someone who is worried about me, although in the end it doesn’t matter, I have to do this for me.
Thank you all so much again. I will try to make it a habit to check in here every night. I’m not sure I’ll have the energy or motivation to go to the gym (we’ll see), but I will try to think of some new routine or ritual at night.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
biminiblue: Thank you! Yes, that evening buzz is so very warm and welcoming. At the end of the work day I would just look forward to that so much. But I’m sure you are right that everything will be better when I don’t drink. Most of all I look forward to not waking up in the middle of the night feeling crappy every other night.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
Finallytime, you are only 46, once you quit drinking you might find you totally have the energy for the gym.
I always knew I had a drinking issue, I used to take little month long breaks, sober January, sober November, sandwich the debauchery of the holidays
When I finally quit, I started 1 month, then 6 months, then a year, then a decade... Now I know it is permanent and I have accepted that, I don't pine for my drinking days, I celebrate my sober days and life.
AA has saved a lot of people. I did some meetings, read their book. Not my cup of tea. Fortunately there are as many ways to get sober as there are to get drunk. This site has info on all of them.
Welcome to the sober life, it's a pretty nice place to be.
I always knew I had a drinking issue, I used to take little month long breaks, sober January, sober November, sandwich the debauchery of the holidays
When I finally quit, I started 1 month, then 6 months, then a year, then a decade... Now I know it is permanent and I have accepted that, I don't pine for my drinking days, I celebrate my sober days and life.AA has saved a lot of people. I did some meetings, read their book. Not my cup of tea. Fortunately there are as many ways to get sober as there are to get drunk. This site has info on all of them.
Welcome to the sober life, it's a pretty nice place to be.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi FT, I think the hardest part for me was accepting that I had to give up drinking completely. Once I got over that hurdle, there were some other steps that helped, and maybe you could try.
- Even if your wife doesn't want to stop drinking, ask her to help by not drinking in front of you, and not keeping alcohol in the house. It's just for a while, not forever but it's hard to stop with temptation right in front of your nose.
- If you're like most, you look forward to drinking at the end of the day. I made sure I ate straight after work, and didn't hold back on sweet things, which I like. Your urge to drink is a routine your body looks to for relaxation. You can substitute other routines and gradually you'll associate them with relaxation.
- Anything that stresses your body or mind can trigger cravings for alcohol because that's been your go-to up until now. Don't allow yourself to get too hungry, thirsty or tired. If you do have a wave of cravings deep breathe, concentrating on your body. This will help you relax and the cravings will go.
- You'll be much better off with support. I suggest you visit your doctor and be completely frank with him/her about your drinking. It really helps to share.
Good luck and make a plan.
- Even if your wife doesn't want to stop drinking, ask her to help by not drinking in front of you, and not keeping alcohol in the house. It's just for a while, not forever but it's hard to stop with temptation right in front of your nose.
- If you're like most, you look forward to drinking at the end of the day. I made sure I ate straight after work, and didn't hold back on sweet things, which I like. Your urge to drink is a routine your body looks to for relaxation. You can substitute other routines and gradually you'll associate them with relaxation.
- Anything that stresses your body or mind can trigger cravings for alcohol because that's been your go-to up until now. Don't allow yourself to get too hungry, thirsty or tired. If you do have a wave of cravings deep breathe, concentrating on your body. This will help you relax and the cravings will go.
- You'll be much better off with support. I suggest you visit your doctor and be completely frank with him/her about your drinking. It really helps to share.
Good luck and make a plan.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
Welcome finallytime. Glad to have you here at SR.
For me, I successfully quit when I reframed my thoughts. I couldn’t think about how I was going to miss that buzz, instead I made myself think about how I was looking forward to waking up clear and rested.
That made me feel less like I was missing out on something or more like I was gaining something.
Hope me to see you around the boards.
For me, I successfully quit when I reframed my thoughts. I couldn’t think about how I was going to miss that buzz, instead I made myself think about how I was looking forward to waking up clear and rested.
That made me feel less like I was missing out on something or more like I was gaining something.
Hope me to see you around the boards.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Those closest to us often make quiet observations and mention things as if they are not big deals. I had this happen with my wife, and one former girlfriend. I could have paid closer attention. I wish I would have, but I really didn't stop until I made the observation on my own. But the positive was that those outsider observations got filed away in the back of my mind, and helped me see the problem a little clearer, albeit many years later.
From your description of yourself, it seems to me that your wife's observation is probably spot on.
From your description of yourself, it seems to me that your wife's observation is probably spot on.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 365
Hey Finallytime, welcome. I'm still early in sobriety and not really in a position to give advice, but I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. AA doesn't work for me either, but I know this because I've tried it. Have you tried it? The first step, "We admitted that we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable" trips me up. Like you, my life never became unmanageable, and I don't feel that I am powerless -- as long as I don't pick up that first drink.
For others, all the steps ring true, and it works for them. You might want to give it a shot.
What's been working for me lately is AVRT. It just made perfect sense to me. Rational Recovery | The Crash Course On AVRT
Anyway, you do start to feel a lot better after even a couple weeks. The first few days are tough so you might want to consult with your doctor. Therapy helps a lot too once you get over that initial hump, and you'll find that you get much stronger at the gym.
Good luck!
For others, all the steps ring true, and it works for them. You might want to give it a shot.
What's been working for me lately is AVRT. It just made perfect sense to me. Rational Recovery | The Crash Course On AVRT
Anyway, you do start to feel a lot better after even a couple weeks. The first few days are tough so you might want to consult with your doctor. Therapy helps a lot too once you get over that initial hump, and you'll find that you get much stronger at the gym.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by Misssy2
I'm sorry I don't think it is fair for your wife to say "you" need to stop drinking.
I would ask her to do it as a team....
If she doesn't want to do it with you..possibly "she" has a problem as well.
I would ask her to do it as a team....
If she doesn't want to do it with you..possibly "she" has a problem as well.
Finallytime: Welcome to the forum! You will find a wealth of support and information here. Many of us have used these boards alone to quit. I do think if you need more help with giving up you should give things like AA a go. I noticed you said you're socially uncomfortable. I am exactly the same, however I noticed that when I gave up alcohol I actually started to struggle a lot less with being around people. I'd been using booze to ease into social situations, but it was causing me to forget what it's like to handle said situations sober. The more sober time I had, the more I adjusted to being around people as my normal self. Basically everything gets easier when you give up!
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Did you stop? If so, congrats.
"Trying to quit today" doesn't cut it. "I will not drink again" or "I'm no longer a drinker" is better language to your Addictive Voice.
There are many different methods to get and stay sober, AA is but one of them. It didn't work for me in the end, but I did try a lot of different meetings in the first 3 months, got a sponsor, started working the steps, and realized that the religious overtones were just too much for me. But I really tried to make it work, and it was very valuable in the beginning. AND it works brilliant for many people.
This forum is a HUGE help, especially where you are now. Join the "Class of May (or June) 2019 thread with others who are giving it a go. Explore. Definitely check out the secular recovery forums for information on other non-12-Step/higher power methods.
I used many many things to get sober, and the combination worked to keep me there. The point isn't the method, the best sobriety plans and methods are ultimately what helps to keep you from drinking/using.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
"Trying to quit today" doesn't cut it. "I will not drink again" or "I'm no longer a drinker" is better language to your Addictive Voice.
There are many different methods to get and stay sober, AA is but one of them. It didn't work for me in the end, but I did try a lot of different meetings in the first 3 months, got a sponsor, started working the steps, and realized that the religious overtones were just too much for me. But I really tried to make it work, and it was very valuable in the beginning. AND it works brilliant for many people.
This forum is a HUGE help, especially where you are now. Join the "Class of May (or June) 2019 thread with others who are giving it a go. Explore. Definitely check out the secular recovery forums for information on other non-12-Step/higher power methods.
I used many many things to get sober, and the combination worked to keep me there. The point isn't the method, the best sobriety plans and methods are ultimately what helps to keep you from drinking/using.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,565
Finallytime - I'm really glad you decided to take action. I waited many more years, causing chaos & destruction in all areas of my life. This won't happen to you. Remember, we all understand what you're going through, & you're never alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
Im about 10 years younger than you, but went through just about the same scenario. I will this, I was right where you were before my last 6-8 months of drinking, and then things got horrendous. Where you are at now, I knew my drinking was a problem, but had no insight that i could live a rich and happy life without it. Thought once I made a few changes and slowed down my drinking a bit, everything would go back to how it was a few years prior. Your at a challenging point, but trust me a way better point to where the progression goes next. There a lot of helpful options and a lot of people going through similar circumstances. Just be cognizant that alcohal can be a beast to come off of, so please try to do things as safely as possible. Welcome and please keep us up to date when comfortable.
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