My wife told me I need to quit
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 771
Hey, FT, welcome! I just want to say you can do this. I’m close to your age, was drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a night. I’ve tried a few times to get sober, had many setbacks (which I’ve shared here — this is a nonjudgmental community), and have been sober for close to 5 months now. That’s the longest I’ve been sober since I was a teenager, if you don’t count the times I had to abstain during pregnancies.
I have ups and downs, but the early weeks were the hardest. I’ve struggled a little lately, but I don’t want to have to go through the hard part again.
Also, it is hard having a drinking spouse, but you can do it. My husband drinks every night, right in front of me. I just had to make a decision that my life is mine, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make the best of it. My family will benefit from my sobriety, but this is for me.
Anyway, stay close and post! You can get through the worst part, if you are tempted to cave post here first! This place has saved my caboose many times.
I have ups and downs, but the early weeks were the hardest. I’ve struggled a little lately, but I don’t want to have to go through the hard part again.
Also, it is hard having a drinking spouse, but you can do it. My husband drinks every night, right in front of me. I just had to make a decision that my life is mine, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make the best of it. My family will benefit from my sobriety, but this is for me.
Anyway, stay close and post! You can get through the worst part, if you are tempted to cave post here first! This place has saved my caboose many times.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
Wow, thank you all so much for all these wonderful replies, I’m a little overwhelmed. Thank you, I’m excited to be part of this community. I will read all replies in more detail, so much experience between everyone here, there’s much I need to think about.
Overall I’m really excited to finally have made the decision to quit. It was time. I think I’m... relieved maybe?
Day 1 went ok so far, no real cravings, a bit antsy maybe. We’ll see how sleep goes. I’ll keep you posted, and thank you again for everything so far.
Overall I’m really excited to finally have made the decision to quit. It was time. I think I’m... relieved maybe?
Day 1 went ok so far, no real cravings, a bit antsy maybe. We’ll see how sleep goes. I’ll keep you posted, and thank you again for everything so far.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
If you want more inspiration and hope, read our stories in the Stories forum. 
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/stories-recovery/
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/stories-recovery/
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by Finallytime 
Day 1 went ok so far, no real cravings, a bit antsy maybe. We’ll see how sleep goes. I’ll keep you posted, and thank you again for everything so far.
As for combating those cravings, there are tools that help. The one that worked for me was to distract myself from the cravings rather than mentally focusing on them in a battle of wills. What worked for me was going to AA. Like others here, I couldn't buy the whole program, especially the religion part, but you will meet some successful recovering alcoholics who understand your struggle. They were where you are one time. Nightly meetings talking to these people reduced the cravings between meetings to a manageable level. My first Day 4 may have been worse without knowing I had another meeting in a few hours. I don't know what Day 4 would have been otherwise, but after a week, I had gained enough confidence to know I was going to win the battle for good. As I gained confidence, my lust for alcohol faded. But daily contact with others who understood seemed like the key.
Others here have gone for walks. Getting exercise makes sense. Get up and engage in something else. The thing you probably shouldn't do is sit there and engage in a mental battle of wills with your cravings. Occupy your mind with something else, which is what you want to eventually do naturally. You know: Like a normal person.
Do keep us posted. I was afraid we may not hear back from you, and that was unsettling. Many here care about your struggle. It's a different kind of forum, with people who care. Imagine that; People who care in an Internet full of trolls and egomaniacs.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by MindfulMan
Did you stop? If so, congrats.
This forum is a HUGE help, especially where you are now. Join the "Class of May (or June) 2019 thread with others who are giving it a go.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
This forum is a HUGE help, especially where you are now. Join the "Class of May (or June) 2019 thread with others who are giving it a go.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 600
Finally, My wife drinks too so I can relate & I am about 10 years older than you & have been through quitting & relapsing several times. I believe you are reading this right about the resentment. Why can’t he drink like me? Why do we have to give up this part of our life? This time I’m 10 plus months sober. And you know what happened? Her resentment turned to respect. She loves that I’m on this site because she sees the difference. Stay here & good luck on your journey. I’m rooting for you.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
I was drinking daily (and hiding it very well) until the age of 47 when I ended up on a 3 day bender. My wife was working and I was using up some vacation days and things just got out of control.
I also used alcohol to unwind after a hectic day at the office, and as I grew older the amount of alcohol necessary to produce that mild buzz increased. And my ability to recover from a night of drinking decreased.
This website and AA were the two keys to helping me to quit. Since my 3 day bender at 47, I stayed sober until my early 50's. Following a miserable period of relapse I've now been sober over 9 years, so that's possible for you too.
Come back and visit this website everyday.
I also used alcohol to unwind after a hectic day at the office, and as I grew older the amount of alcohol necessary to produce that mild buzz increased. And my ability to recover from a night of drinking decreased.
This website and AA were the two keys to helping me to quit. Since my 3 day bender at 47, I stayed sober until my early 50's. Following a miserable period of relapse I've now been sober over 9 years, so that's possible for you too.
Come back and visit this website everyday.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
Thank you all again for this wonderful support!
I joined the June class, and as I wrote there this morning, it’s just amazing to wake up to day 2 with no awful regrets from the night before. I feel good this morning, that was a while ago. I do see that my fingers are a little shaky, but I’ve been expecting that.
DriGuy - Thank you for all the tips and insight, I can imagine that day 3 is the worst. Right now I’m traveling, and that actually helps me stay away from the drink. My worst time is when I’m home alone, that’s when I really need to come up with alternative plans for the night. But the next several days I’ll be out and about, so I think that will stir up my routine in a helpful way.
least - Thank you for the link, I’m actually already super hopeful, I really want this.
Bonniefloyd - it sounds like I’m in a similar situation that you were a few months ago, it’s an inspiration to see that you’ve made it this far! Thank you for the encouragement and kind words!
Zucc36 - yeah, that kind of the feeling I’ve had, that if I don’t stop now, things can get much much worse very soon. I think that’s why my wife’s words hit home so deeply, I felt she was right. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Hevyn - Thank you for the kind words, it’s amazing to have so many to talk to on this forum who have been going through the same thing. Most of all it just feels amazing to finally be honest about my drinking.
MindfulMan - I hope you are right! I think I am genuinely stopping this time, I think I had my last drink ever 2 days ago. I once quit tobacco after 20 years of heavy use, and when the day finally came that I quit, I had a similar feeling inside as I have right now. I just feel over it, I’m done.
Rd2guit - I agree, I also feel that it is up to me and not my wife if I’m going to stop. My decision to not drink should not be impacted by what other people do. She may or may not have a problem, but my drinking is my problem, not hers.
NerfThis - Thank you for the encouraging words! It’s a good point, I look forward to the day I feel more comfortable with crowds. It’s funny actually, I have no problem standing up in front of a large audience and give a presentation, but being in a room with 10 people just being ME, that is much harder.
ImNotThatGuy - Thank you for the link on AVRT! I’ll definitely read when I get a moment. I have not tried AA, so you are right, I really can’t know, and I’m not giving that up as an option if things don’t work out the way I hope (I’m just not making it my first choice right now). I hope it doesn’t come to that, but if it does, I will try everything, including AA.
Atlas9999 - That’s a very good point of re-directing thoughts to what I gain and not that I lose that buzz. Like I read somewhere else on this forum, what I’ve been missing the most is good sleep, so I’ll make sure to think every night that “tonight I will secure a good nights sleep for myself!”.
FeelingGreat - that’s really good advice, I particularly relate to eating right when I get home. My favorite thing after work was to immediately when I get home take a few big gulps of some hard liquor to feel that immediate buzz kicking in on an empty stomach. Any time I’ve eaten before the first drink, I lose some of that craving, so making that a routine is a great idea.
MyLittleHorsie - Thank you for the welcome! I think you were more successful than I when it came to month long breaks, I tried doing those (but never as an actual attempt to stop, just to pretend that I’m a responsible drinker), but never lasted more than a few days. This time I feel it is different. It is finally time to quit for real.
So. I’m on Day 2 now. I’ll keep you all posted on my progress, and thank you again so much for all the encouragement, this has been so overwhelming in a wonderful way!
FT
I joined the June class, and as I wrote there this morning, it’s just amazing to wake up to day 2 with no awful regrets from the night before. I feel good this morning, that was a while ago. I do see that my fingers are a little shaky, but I’ve been expecting that.
DriGuy - Thank you for all the tips and insight, I can imagine that day 3 is the worst. Right now I’m traveling, and that actually helps me stay away from the drink. My worst time is when I’m home alone, that’s when I really need to come up with alternative plans for the night. But the next several days I’ll be out and about, so I think that will stir up my routine in a helpful way.
least - Thank you for the link, I’m actually already super hopeful, I really want this.
Bonniefloyd - it sounds like I’m in a similar situation that you were a few months ago, it’s an inspiration to see that you’ve made it this far! Thank you for the encouragement and kind words!
Zucc36 - yeah, that kind of the feeling I’ve had, that if I don’t stop now, things can get much much worse very soon. I think that’s why my wife’s words hit home so deeply, I felt she was right. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Hevyn - Thank you for the kind words, it’s amazing to have so many to talk to on this forum who have been going through the same thing. Most of all it just feels amazing to finally be honest about my drinking.
MindfulMan - I hope you are right! I think I am genuinely stopping this time, I think I had my last drink ever 2 days ago. I once quit tobacco after 20 years of heavy use, and when the day finally came that I quit, I had a similar feeling inside as I have right now. I just feel over it, I’m done.
Rd2guit - I agree, I also feel that it is up to me and not my wife if I’m going to stop. My decision to not drink should not be impacted by what other people do. She may or may not have a problem, but my drinking is my problem, not hers.
NerfThis - Thank you for the encouraging words! It’s a good point, I look forward to the day I feel more comfortable with crowds. It’s funny actually, I have no problem standing up in front of a large audience and give a presentation, but being in a room with 10 people just being ME, that is much harder.
ImNotThatGuy - Thank you for the link on AVRT! I’ll definitely read when I get a moment. I have not tried AA, so you are right, I really can’t know, and I’m not giving that up as an option if things don’t work out the way I hope (I’m just not making it my first choice right now). I hope it doesn’t come to that, but if it does, I will try everything, including AA.
Atlas9999 - That’s a very good point of re-directing thoughts to what I gain and not that I lose that buzz. Like I read somewhere else on this forum, what I’ve been missing the most is good sleep, so I’ll make sure to think every night that “tonight I will secure a good nights sleep for myself!”.
FeelingGreat - that’s really good advice, I particularly relate to eating right when I get home. My favorite thing after work was to immediately when I get home take a few big gulps of some hard liquor to feel that immediate buzz kicking in on an empty stomach. Any time I’ve eaten before the first drink, I lose some of that craving, so making that a routine is a great idea.
MyLittleHorsie - Thank you for the welcome! I think you were more successful than I when it came to month long breaks, I tried doing those (but never as an actual attempt to stop, just to pretend that I’m a responsible drinker), but never lasted more than a few days. This time I feel it is different. It is finally time to quit for real.
So. I’m on Day 2 now. I’ll keep you all posted on my progress, and thank you again so much for all the encouragement, this has been so overwhelming in a wonderful way!
FT
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 771
Originally Posted by DriGuy
Others here have gone for walks. Getting exercise makes sense. Get up and engage in something else. The thing you probably shouldn't do is sit there and engage in a mental battle of wills with your cravings. Occupy your mind with something else, which is what you want to eventually do naturally. You know: Like a normal person.
.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you're here and just a couple thoughts.
You have to quit for you. Not a joint effort with anyone else. Do you want to? Doesn't sound like you're there yet but that's the true first step.
I'd suggest learning more about what AA is and is not, especially if you just have some ideas. For example, it's not a religious program. It's about whether you are willing to believe that there is something- anything- bigger than you.
What else would you be willing to try - if you are willing to stop drinking, that is?
People have different thresholds in their individual and relationship lives where one or the other (or both) start to consider quitting, or do. Anything that relies on another person's agreement is external to the whole shebang.
Glad you are here, hope you listen to the good folks here trying to help, and give sober life a try. Actually - give it a DO.
You have to quit for you. Not a joint effort with anyone else. Do you want to? Doesn't sound like you're there yet but that's the true first step.
I'd suggest learning more about what AA is and is not, especially if you just have some ideas. For example, it's not a religious program. It's about whether you are willing to believe that there is something- anything- bigger than you.
What else would you be willing to try - if you are willing to stop drinking, that is?
People have different thresholds in their individual and relationship lives where one or the other (or both) start to consider quitting, or do. Anything that relies on another person's agreement is external to the whole shebang.
Glad you are here, hope you listen to the good folks here trying to help, and give sober life a try. Actually - give it a DO.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
Tailai- yes, I think it is mostly that change that she resents, something that she thinks of as a nice thing that we do together, why do I have to ruin that by not being able to just stop at that? But I think you are right, I think she’s already getting used to the idea, and now she can have a designated driver anytime we go out instead of having to take an Uber.
Zebra1275 - Thank you for that. Yes, I could tell that my tolerance had gone up quite a bit the last couple of years, and I would start earlier in the day when I had days off. Days when I was home alone were the worst, and I recently started looking forward to having a drink in the morning if I had the opportunity. Deep down I knew that would eventually lead to my first real bender, and that would not have been pretty. I’m so lucky that I decided to quit before it got to that.
Zebra1275 - Thank you for that. Yes, I could tell that my tolerance had gone up quite a bit the last couple of years, and I would start earlier in the day when I had days off. Days when I was home alone were the worst, and I recently started looking forward to having a drink in the morning if I had the opportunity. Deep down I knew that would eventually lead to my first real bender, and that would not have been pretty. I’m so lucky that I decided to quit before it got to that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by Bonniefloyd
Walking was a huge help for me. Once I got serious, I made a deal with myself — if I think I’m on the verge of drinking. I have to walk first. One time that meant bundling up in layers of sweaters and getting out there with an umbrella and rain boots. Usually by the time I got back home, the craving had mostly subsided.
Such distractions don't have to be hard work. They can be something you simply enjoy. But I think it helps if they are physical activities that get you away from the mental battle with yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Bonniefloyd
Walking was a huge help for me. Once I got serious, I made a deal with myself — if I think I’m on the verge of drinking. I have to walk first. One time that meant bundling up in layers of sweaters and getting out there with an umbrella and rain boots. Usually by the time I got back home, the craving had mostly subsided.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Welcome! This site is incredible. Not sure how I found it, but VERY thankful I did.
I think other people force us to recognize we have an issue with alcohol. We think we are hiding it well. The fact that we hide our drinking, stashing bottles about, is a good indication that our relationship with alcohol is unhealthy. Your wife, who can take it or leave it, drinking less than the legal limit, is a normal drinker. I am not at all a normal drinker.
The *only requirement of AA is a desire to stop drinking. There is no religious affiliations. There is a suggestion that you find a very personal to you, power greater than yourself. Anything you'd like. People in the rooms may talk of a specific God, but it is theirs. You pick your own. The rooms of AA are instrumental (& lovely, imo) but the program is in the literature and your personal action toward solving your alcohol problem. One of of greatest things I heard in AA about AA is "some are sicker than others" You may or may not run into a couple of nuts, tbh. Moreover, you will find a new level of understanding of life and how to live it without alcohol and a refreshing dip into spirituality. Not religion. Vastly different.
People who find crouds overwhelming drank to ease the uncomfortability. When these people quit drinking they went to hang out sober and learn how to live again, in the rooms of AA. You will be comforted as you quickly begin to identify with others. You are not alone, and you are a bit like them. And the truth you will learn there? You are not special. You are doomed to drink again unless you smash the idea of a drink. You can learn how to do that there. I would read "We agnostics" in the Big Book and attend a few different meetings with an open mind.
I would explore all of the facets in which we recover. SR was key to saving my life. Well before I went to AA. Many people recover in so many different ways here, its the greatest thing to "witness". And the fact of the matter is we don't do it alone. We can't do it alone. You will be amazed at the relationships you will develop there & here. Try a coffee commitment and give it a fair shot before you pass judgement. Otherwise it is an ill informed assessment. If you go and dislike it, you find something else f2f. I highly recommend, what you know you're going to already do, is stick around here!! I'm looking into a Buddhist based Recovery yoga class. Not my God of choice, but I am open to *anything that will keep me this happy and this healthy and not drinking. I
need to work for this healthier way of life.
I love what someone suggested; walk. Get out there. I took my mind with me naturally, but being on the move tempered the raciness of my head. My body got stronger. I started eating (!) and eating healthier...and I got pretty darn healthy. This is hard stuff, getting sober. But it gets better. So much better. Sleep, health over all. Not feeling "as desperate as the dying can be". You are only a few years older than I...We are still young. Time to really live!
I'm excited for you! You can really do this, *however you choose to, and you will never regret drawing a sober breath. Promise.
Good luck,
Jules
I think other people force us to recognize we have an issue with alcohol. We think we are hiding it well. The fact that we hide our drinking, stashing bottles about, is a good indication that our relationship with alcohol is unhealthy. Your wife, who can take it or leave it, drinking less than the legal limit, is a normal drinker. I am not at all a normal drinker.
The *only requirement of AA is a desire to stop drinking. There is no religious affiliations. There is a suggestion that you find a very personal to you, power greater than yourself. Anything you'd like. People in the rooms may talk of a specific God, but it is theirs. You pick your own. The rooms of AA are instrumental (& lovely, imo) but the program is in the literature and your personal action toward solving your alcohol problem. One of of greatest things I heard in AA about AA is "some are sicker than others" You may or may not run into a couple of nuts, tbh. Moreover, you will find a new level of understanding of life and how to live it without alcohol and a refreshing dip into spirituality. Not religion. Vastly different.
People who find crouds overwhelming drank to ease the uncomfortability. When these people quit drinking they went to hang out sober and learn how to live again, in the rooms of AA. You will be comforted as you quickly begin to identify with others. You are not alone, and you are a bit like them. And the truth you will learn there? You are not special. You are doomed to drink again unless you smash the idea of a drink. You can learn how to do that there. I would read "We agnostics" in the Big Book and attend a few different meetings with an open mind.
I would explore all of the facets in which we recover. SR was key to saving my life. Well before I went to AA. Many people recover in so many different ways here, its the greatest thing to "witness". And the fact of the matter is we don't do it alone. We can't do it alone. You will be amazed at the relationships you will develop there & here. Try a coffee commitment and give it a fair shot before you pass judgement. Otherwise it is an ill informed assessment. If you go and dislike it, you find something else f2f. I highly recommend, what you know you're going to already do, is stick around here!! I'm looking into a Buddhist based Recovery yoga class. Not my God of choice, but I am open to *anything that will keep me this happy and this healthy and not drinking. I
need to work for this healthier way of life.
I love what someone suggested; walk. Get out there. I took my mind with me naturally, but being on the move tempered the raciness of my head. My body got stronger. I started eating (!) and eating healthier...and I got pretty darn healthy. This is hard stuff, getting sober. But it gets better. So much better. Sleep, health over all. Not feeling "as desperate as the dying can be". You are only a few years older than I...We are still young. Time to really live!
I'm excited for you! You can really do this, *however you choose to, and you will never regret drawing a sober breath. Promise.
Good luck,
Jules
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
This is great to read. Stick with it and I bet your wife will come around.
For me, I did nothing f2f, I have kept close here for years and I also did a really cool online/offline recovery program called hip sobriety -- now Tempest, mostly women but super. Highly recommend checking it out.
The key for me is something Dee says -- abstinence is not control.
I can stop, but staying stopped was a bit harder. I get confident, think I can have a few. NO, I can't. My husband can, me not. But I can do lots of things he cant. So there!
I think the concepts behind rational recovery were helpful there, which Hip Sobriety also embrace -- I do not drink and I will never quit the decision. I may want to drink but I dont drink and I will never quit the decision. Any thought of drinking, not me, cause I dont drink etc etc.
I also love something Sassy says which is that your sobriety has to be the MOST important thing in your life. No matter, what, it comes first. Skip the wedding, drop a friend, whatever that could risk it. Without it, we are lost.
If we did this, you can. trust us on that one.
For me, I did nothing f2f, I have kept close here for years and I also did a really cool online/offline recovery program called hip sobriety -- now Tempest, mostly women but super. Highly recommend checking it out.
The key for me is something Dee says -- abstinence is not control.
I can stop, but staying stopped was a bit harder. I get confident, think I can have a few. NO, I can't. My husband can, me not. But I can do lots of things he cant. So there!
I think the concepts behind rational recovery were helpful there, which Hip Sobriety also embrace -- I do not drink and I will never quit the decision. I may want to drink but I dont drink and I will never quit the decision. Any thought of drinking, not me, cause I dont drink etc etc.
I also love something Sassy says which is that your sobriety has to be the MOST important thing in your life. No matter, what, it comes first. Skip the wedding, drop a friend, whatever that could risk it. Without it, we are lost.
If we did this, you can. trust us on that one.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 108
I too found walking therapeutic. Think good thoughts about life for once, enjoy nature, good exercise. I walked 40 miles this week after work. Great having a natural high. Sure beats drinking poison to feel good for 5 minutes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
Just a quick update. Day 2, I would have been buzzed by now. Doing ok. Headache, I feel foggy, and irritable. Still a bit shaky, but at the same time, I just feel relieved. Grateful. I’ve made up my mind, so it’s really quite simple. I don’t drink.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
The best advice I ever got to bolster my sobriety was to practice gratitude every day. It gives me a positive attitude and makes me happier.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
It gives me a positive attitude and makes me happier. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
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